When the gods piss down the back of your neck, make a yurt.

I am sick to death of moping about feeling sad about this miscarriage. I am SO over it. I'm tired of the moment when I read a happy pregnancy post and my heart sinks...I want it gone. I'm sick to death of the emotions that broadside me out of nowhere. Most of the time now I'm fine. It's almost like the pregnancy never happened then WHAMO smack my daughter tells me that she wants a little sister to play with. I'm done. It's gone. Go away.

The only thing I can think of to put this whole sad mess behind me is to MOVE ON, already, so I'm moving on. I'm going to make myself a list of things I want to do this year and hopefully cheer myself the hell up a teensy bit. So....here goes nothing.

1. Use up my last cycle of IVF covered by insurance. What the hell, right? The only thing I have to pay is my $750 deductible with some minor things attached here and there. The worst that can happen is that I'll get a BFN...or a chemical pregnancy...or another miscarriage. But you know what they say, nothing ventured nothing gained.

2. Finish up at least a couple of rooms in the house. I have to paint the dining room at the very least, because it has already been started. I would also like to tackle the back bedroom. If I manage to get resolution #1 to work, it will be a necessity. If it doesn't, then I don't want it mocking me every time I go in there. I'll get rid of the crib, put the extra junk that's accumulated in the attic, and turn it into a nice guestroom or something. There are also a few furniture items I really need to purchase, like some sort of china hutch (we had a built in in our last house, and now our wedding china and stuff is in boxes with no safe place to put it).

3. Do some stuff for me that doesn't involve injecting myself with hormones or getting wanded with a dildo-cam. This can be anything, but I need to make time to do things that are just for me that make me happy. Work in the garden...paint a picture...spend more time with my sister just hanging out.

4. Spend more quality time with my husband.

5. Spend time thinking and working towards my future outside of the home. I need to figure out what I'm going to do with myself. I need some goals so I can get rid of this feeling that I'm just in free fall without a net. The kids are growing and soon I'll be out of a job. Somehow living in the moment and enjoying my kids has stretched into years. How did that happen?

6. Focus on little things in the here and now that give me pleasure and move me forward. Reading a good book, enjoying a glass of wine and a favorite TV show with my husband, snuggly pajamas, knitting baby hats for friends, looking at garden catalogs and drooling over the plants I want, playing with my kids...bathing them...snuggling with them while I read them books...hugs and kisses..and all the wonderful things they bring to my life every day.

7. Organize, organize, organize. I need a system to deal with all of the paper. I'm being buried alive! I also need a more organized way to deal with all of the laundry, right now I just end up with baskets of clean clothes all over our bedroom. And the entry way...Gah! I need hooks, and mats, and places for hats and mittens. It's a total disaster! And the toys. OMG the toys. I have toys that belonged to the boys when they were babies. I am great at getting rid of baby gear, and outgrown clothes, but the toys? For some reason I still have them all. (well, I know the reason, because every time I am about ready to get rid of something, AK decides that she must have it. She's a worse hoarder than her dad, and that's saying something.)

That's it so far. The trying-to-get-over-my-miscarriage-winter-post-holidays-blahs list. I hope it cuts the mustard.