My grief was a giant that sat on my chest and blocked out the light. Then it was a feisty honey badger that scratched and bit and fought, even as I was strangling it and refusing to give in. Then my grief began to settle in and fade into the background. I had stuff to do and a plan to make it happen. Everything was going to be okey diddly dokey.
But then last weekend came, and my grief grew into a full size toddler. I read blogs, and the toddler screamed "I don't wanna!!!". It said terrible things. "I don't care. I hate that person. I want I want I want. " It pounded its little fists against my heart and kicked into my gut. I did the good parent thing. First I tried to divert it. I went to Pin.terest...and everywhere I looked baby stuff seemed to sneak in, until the toddler was howling. I tried everything I could, but everywhere I went baby things smacked me in the face. The mail had a Babies R Us catalog...the bottom of the laundry closet I was trying to organize had maternity clothes and baby blankets...The top drawer of my dresser had the baby booties I had saved 'just in case' that somehow managed to find me while I was trying to match odd socks. On Saturday a trip to Targe.t brought the toddler out in full force. Babies everywhere...and it doesn't help that my daughter needs pull ups and baby shampoo, smack dab in baby central. The toddler howled and cried, it gnashed it's terrible teeth and roared its terrible roar. And there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. IT'S NOT FAAAAAAIR. I finally had to pack the toddler up and bring it home.
That night I sat numbly on the couch with a beer and played Angry Birds until the toddler finally gave in, it's eyes all glazed over as it sucked its thumb and thankfully passed out.
I'm so tired. I wish for the first time I had never done this. I wish I had never gotten pregnant at all. I wish I couldn't remember how happy I was when I saw those two lines. I wish packing up my daughter's baby stuff didn't hurt so much. I wish my period would show up so I can try again.
*Pablo finally decided to show up. Now I know why I have been feeling so particularly terrible the last couple of days. Yeah for CD1!
Oh yes I think I can understand this feeling well. I hope that the next try decides to stick and stick well and long.
ReplyDeleteHuge (((Hugs))). I've been there. Grief really sucks. Especially when it won't go away and won't let us get on with our lives.
ReplyDelete*hugs* I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the way things like this simply never seem to go away. I wish I could offer you advice, but I frankly did a crappy job of handling my own miscarriage, so I can't really say much.
ReplyDeleteI hope you start having more happy moments than sad moments. Please let me know if I can help in any way.
PS--I'm so glad I can finally comment on your blog.
That was powerful. Hugz!
ReplyDeleteI'm hereby nominating this for your Creme de la Creme submission for 2012! It was extremely powerful.
ReplyDeleteOh hugs!! Glad you were finally able to quiet the feeling. I've been there so many times, I know ow you feel. I pray AF shows soon!!!!! I think trying again does wonders for the grief process.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your pain. ***Hugs***
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your pain. I think this post is great at describing it. I wish it weren't so real for you : (
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for this pain girl. It's an awful gnawing feeling that just eats at us. Sending you a big hug! xoxo
ReplyDeleteVery raw and emotional. Reminders don't go away, they just become less noticeable. My son was 18mths when we started ttc #2, and I kept all the baby stuff giddy with excitement. Our son is now 4 & half and the baby stuff is buried, but can surface to remind me I'm still not there, and question why our baby stopped growing to be a sibling.
ReplyDeleteKeep strong and keep fighting..xx
Huge hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteGrief is an unpredictable thing...I've found it can arise at the strangest times...your toddler metaphor is great...
Yay for CD 1, though. :) Wishing you the best of luck.
And PS I love love love all your comments and support on my blog, but I know it's very pregnancy/baby-centric right now, so if you ever need to take a break from it I'll totally understand...
I can't say that it doesn't hurt the toddler, but when I read ppl's blogs I send it to its room and tell it that it can't come out until it can behave itself :) Other ppl's blogs right now are the only distraction that keeps me going. :)
DeleteRock on for Pablox come on bubba bear x
ReplyDeleteI wish I understood what this means :)
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel... the toddler in me came out in full force over Christmas. This journey is so hard... I guess we need moments/days like that to ease the pain somehow xoxo
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