Wordless Wednesday

Great Day :)

Today my twins turned six years old, and I saw the heartbeat of our little bean! Caboose baby is measuring at exactly 6 weeks four days with a strong heartbeat. I got two VERY bad pictures, but I have an appointment for a follow up appointment next week so I'm hoping I'll get a better picture then. I've been told to make an appointment with my OB, but to make it after my follow up visit. That is a nicer transition than they used to do where if you saw a heartbeat they just sent you in to the wilderness. I also walked away with a prescription for gel to squirt up my lady bits in exchange for the needles. It couldn't come at a better time because I'm running out of places on my butt that aren't lumpy, bumpy, and sore.

We took the kids out to a chain restaurant for dinner, mostly because DA has been begging us to go. We had a wonderful time. The kids enjoyed their food, especially the ice cream Sunday with the candles at the end. :) The boys looooved their presents. The hard part was getting them to go to bed when we came home after only playing with them for about a half an hour. (NB got Thomas coloring books, stickers, and both a new big box of crayons and markers, DB got an Imaginext space thing). I barely ate anything. It was so hot in the restaurant I thought I would die. I took some time cooling off outside when I went to get the gifts out of the van.

Sunday is the boys' big family birthday party. Looking around the house this evening I realize just how much I have to clean before I have my family here. Eeew that carpet is nasty! I haven't been doing any heavy cleaning like vacuuming all the carpets and scrubbing floors. It's been mostly picking up toys and clutter and doing laundry around here, along with a light cleaning of the bathrooms since the embryo transfer. It seems like a layer of grime and grunge has settled on everything...including the children. (it was bath night tonight, but we left early and got back too late). Now that I've seen a heartbeat I'm feeling more confident, but my husband is still going to have to help pick up the slack.

I can't believe my twins are six. I can't believe I'm actually pregnant again. Pretty soon reality is going to start sinking in...any minute now. I'm really a mom...and I'm going to be doing the baby thing again. Somebody pinch me :)

Thank You!

Two great bloggers have given me the Liebster award. :) Thank you to both Rebecca at Pink lipgloss and prenatals and NewYearMum!

I am terribly ignorant about blogging, I just type and publish. So it's going to take me some work and time to figure out how to publish the award, and to list the blogs I want to award in return. I just want you guys to know that I really appreciate the award, and I appreciate you :) Tutorials are GREATLY appreciated, btw...just be easy on me because I'm old and slow ;)

Tomorrow is a big day. The boys turn 6, and I am going in for my first ultrasound. Tuesday I had bloodwork and the nurse informed me that all was well, and that they would see me for my ultrasound and "Then off to the OB." What chipper confidence! It is taking some doing, but I am determined to feel positive about this pregnancy until I'm given a reason NOT to.

Today I am 6 weeks 3 days pregnant. (isn't it nice doing IVF? we are able to know how old our embryos are practically to the hour.) I feel like crap most days. I may be shaky and nauseous in the morning, but perfectly fine in the afternoon...or I'm fine until it suddenly hits me that I haven't eaten within the last few hours and I immediately feel like crap. I do better when I eat and drink regularly in small intervals, but nothing sounds appetizing. Believe me when I tell you that I am not complaining about these symptoms. It is a bit of a catch 22. I am trying very hard to eat, drink, and rest regularly to keep the shaky/nauseous feelings away, but when it works and I feel good panic creeps in. It is so complicated being pregnant in a post infertility world.

On a lighter note... You may have noticed that I am making baby hats for one of my readers. I don't want to leave anyone out, but I also don't want to *jinx* anyone by offering hats early on in a pregnancy. Soooo..... if and when any of you reach a point in your pregnancy when you feel ready, drop me a comment and I'll put you on the hat list :)

*why yes, I am extremely superstitious.

Thanksgiving

I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband. I have a beautiful home, that we were lucky enough to purchase in this terrible economy for a price that we could afford without straining our budgets. And of course, more than anything else, I am thankful for my children. I am thankful that they are here, in spite of all the odds that were against them being here. I'm thankful for their good health, even though we've had a couple of scares. I'm thankful that NB continues to learn and thrive and to show everyone how non disabling a disability can be. I'm thankful that I was given the chance to have one more child, and that for the time being, that the chance has proven successful.

With so much to be thankful for, you might find it hard to believe that there was a time when Thanksgiving sucked hard core. It was in fact one of the lowest points in my life to date, and has put every Thanksgiving since under its shadow, to the point where I wish I could fast forward through the damn holiday completely.

Yeah, it's got family. But it is the same exact family that I'll have over my house for the following Sunday to celebrate the twins' birthday. Sure, it's got food, but I've never liked turkey, and we've got Christmas coming up in a few weeks anyhow. And so far the holiday just baffles the kids. All this food and family...but it's not somebody's birthday? What, no balloons or cake?

Seven years ago on Halloween I found out I was pregnant for the first time ever. A few days before Thanksgiving we found out that the pregnancy was no longer viable, and in spite of the fact that my HCG levels kept stubbornly rising, it was a 'missed miscarriage'. By Thanksgiving day I was no longer pregnant, but my body didn't know it. The smell of the turkey cooking was unbelievably nauseating. I would have loved to knock back a few to numb the pain, but alcohol tasted like metal in my mouth and made me gag. On top of feeling pregnant when I wasn't any longer, I was bleeding, aching, and tired. All I wanted was to curl up with a heating pad and weep...for days and days. In retrospect, I wish I had. Who cares what my family would think about my absence? If I had, maybe Thanksgiving wouldn't be the doomed holiday it has felt like ever since...even in the midst of my good fortune.

Please let this new and fragile pregnancy continue so I can look at Thanksgiving as a time of joy, and not the beginning of the end. And please bless my fellow infertile travelers who are pregnant the same peace of mind.

5 weeks

I'm 5 weeks pregnant today. It feels really weird to say it...but it will probably be really weird to be 10 weeks pregnant...or 22 if I should get that far. I even FEEL pregnant, which is weirder still, because I don't think I've ever really felt pregnant at 5 weeks before. Usually 5 weeks is the calm before the storm, the first symptoms of pregnancy have settled down, and the second bout that happens after 6 weeks has yet to kick in. But the last couple of days I have started to get a serious aversion to food, steady nausea, and a crazy sense of smell. Not to mention 'the girls'. They are so sensitive that the slightest cold draft makes them ache, which in this house is just about all the time. I'm wearing a sweater in the house 24/7, even though it has been unseasonably warm here in the North East.

Normally this would make me feel good about things. Pregnancy is progressing as expected...check. But I live in 'opposite world' where good embryos, good numbers, and good symptoms don't necessarily mean good outcomes...but where ugly embryos, low and non doubling betas, and no symptoms do. The last time I started out with a first beta like this and a good, solid doubling I ended up with a miscarriage. I guess I just don't know what to expect when I'm expecting anymore. But I'm still smiling :)

Beta 2

Whew! My second beta came in at 289, a little bit higher than doubling. I can't believe it took them until 4:30 to call today! I was about ready to crawl out of my skin by the time the phone rang. Progesterone looks good, too, for once at 29.5. (it is usually too low and I have to supplement with suppositories on top of the shots).

My ultrasound has been scheduled for November 29th, the twins' 6 birthday. I also have another blood check in between, next Tuesday I think.

Thanks to everyone who has weighed in on the dining room. There seems to be a lot of grey votes :) Ironically, I was just checking out a video of a beautiful Federal mansion where they had painted the entire first floor a pretty dove grey with bright white trim on the woodwork. Now THAT place was unbelievable! I wouldn't want to heat it though *shudder*. I'm checking out that website, too, Chon, every little bit helps! And wallpaper isn't a bad idea either... Maybe one with yellow and grey?

Now with pictures

This is the dining room in all of its green glory. And a gratuitous shot of the kidlets in their Halloween costumes. Please disregard the crazy hallway mess, it is mostly furniture, curtains, and odds and ends from the parlor, and assorted junk which collects on tables that are being ignored.

There were supposed to be a couple more shots from the other direction but it seems that the camera battery went belly up.

I have been perusing Pinterest and getting a few ideas. I have got to be careful of that site, I could spend all day there! Anyway... feed back much appreciated. Even if it is only "My g-d those are some butt ugly '70s chairs you've got there!" (yes, they are, and wickedly uncomfortable to boot).

call for help from the artistic designer types

I've got a dining room dilemma. I really, really wanted our dark cave of a dining room to be painted before the dark months of Winter, but I'm all out of ideas. My husband and I have three huge, beautiful wide boards that were being used as a work bench in our garage that we plan to re purpose as a dining table. Other than that, though, I'm stumped. If we are going to paint soon, and I really want to paint soon, I need color ideas and design ideas and I'm drawing a complete blank.

This room is pretty big and in the center-back of our house. It has only two windows that face East, but there are doors that are open to the parlor and front hallway that get good afternoon light. There is a chair rail around the entire room. The ceiling height is nice at around 11 feet, but the former owners painted the ceiling the same color as the walls, which is all a dark, greyish green.
The chandelier could also use to be replaced. It is older in style, but it has a modern finish, and feels heavy and clunky. I know they were going for intimate and cozy, not a bad idea for a dining room, but what we got is dark, depressing and cave like.

I was thinking blue at one point, and blue would still be nice, but I haven't been inspired by the blues I've seen. If anyone out there has any ideas, dining rooms they've seen, things they think would work, web sites to point me too...I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks in advance!

Beta day :)

First numbers look good. HCG came in at 69, which is a good 'singleton' number for me. Progesterone came in at a respectable 25. Whew! My only gripe is that my clinic no longer does a follow up beta until four days now because some insurance companies griped, so I won't know if this pregnancy is going in the right direction until Tuesday. But for now, I'm solidly pregnant, and feeling it! I'll take that! :)

I'm feeling pretty queasy in the stomach between meals and the smell sensitivity is starting to kick in. As familiar as it all is, I am every bit as happy this time around as I've ever been. I want to go out and celebrate with virgin cocktails! But I'll have to settle for celebrating by cleaning up the play room and cleaning a bathroom or two YIPPEEEE!!! At least I'll be doing it with a huge grin on my face :) Happy Day!!!

Future perfect

Today, according to the IVF pregnancy calendar I used, I am almost 4 weeks pregnant. I find it amazing that two weeks ago while I was having my eggs removed from my body, I was already 2 weeks pregnant. It seems unbelievably optimistic to call the bunch of cells that only started to stick about a week ago 4 weeks old already. While they are fast forwarding, can't we fly straight though to 8 weeks? 11? I want to go past these weeks of uncertainty and vulnerability.

Yes, I looked at a due date calendar. I may have even perused gender neutral baby clothes on Amazo.n. It isn't naivete or optimism, but sanity survival mode. And hope, it is also a boat load of hope. And we all know what a two headed bitch hope can be.

For now, the future is bright. I'm pregnant with a zygote-future baby that is the size of a poppy seed. How can so much happiness hang on something the size of a poppy seed? I guess I'll just wait and see. I'll keep counting my symptoms and keeping track like they are clutch of baby chicks, and peeing on sticks to make sure that in fact, yes, I did see a second line and that it is in fact darker than yesterday. I'm just relieved that along with my giant portion of uncertainty I have been given a whopping side dish of happy.

Two Lines!!!

I went and bought a two pack tests this morning. I figured I would test today, get a negative, and try again Friday morning before my beta. Buuuuuut......No, two lines instead!!! The second is a little fainter than the control line, but it is definitely there, even without squinting :) I'm pregnant, y'all!

I have never, ever had a positive on a stick before. I also almost hurled in the sink this morning, and that has never happened to me before 6 weeks. :) Hmmmm.....

To POAS, or not to POAS, that is the question

I wish that I had the courage to POAS right now. But I don't. I do have a lot of symptoms that seem to be saying 'pregnant', at least most of the time. While I know that I very well may be deluding myself, I don't have a problem with that. I'm all for living in the moment and believing that I'm pregnant. You can all call me a naive idiot later, I don't mind.

Buuuut on the other hand... Like everyone else, I would really just like to know NOW. I would love to not be stressing all day when that dreaded phone call comes in. If I could trust the results right now from taking a test I would do it. But here's the catch, my betas are always on the low side. When I was pregnant with my twins, my beta at 11dp3dt was 101. If I should be so lucky to be pregnant now, that would mean on Wed HCG would be about 50, and today 25. With my daughter, I had a whopping HCG of 40. That would mean maybe 20 on Wed and only 10 today. With my chemical pregnancy, that totally made me feel pregnant btw, my HCG was only 25.

The weird thing is, that every time I've been pregnant, whether it ended well or not, I have felt pregnant. I was so confident when I was pregnant with my daughter that when I answered the phone I said "I'm pregnant, right?". The thing is, no one but me thought I was going to stay that way. With a number that started out on the low side, and then only went up to 65, I was given about a 15% chance or less of that embryo turning into a baby. When the third beta came back, and it had struggled up to a respectable 117, my RE was so convinced it was an ectopic he had me come in for an early US. I was calm as a cucumber. I just knew that it was going to be ok. Which is strange in itself, because normally I'm totally pessimistic.

Right now, I feel like I'm floating on a bubble. One wrong move and it just...might...pop. I'm trying not to obsess about the symptoms, at the same time I'm trying not to be confident in what they might mean. What I wish is that just for once I could be confident enough to POAS and believe the results. But since I can't even get a couple of beta tests to make me confident in the results, that's not going to happen. *sigh*

Maybe if I'm still feeling pregnant on Wednesday?..... :)

Day 7

One week down, one to go! Halfway through the dreaded 2ww and all is well. That is to say, I feel a plethora of symptoms, real, imagined, and progesterone induced. What it all adds up to remains to be seen until next week, but the fact that I'm still feeling anything (besides the typical sore boobs) is helping me to remain hopeful and positive. Here's the list for anyone whose playing along:

• sore boobs, which are also very sensitive to cold and touch*
• constant twitches, pulls, and etc in my abdomen
• constant hunger*
• fatigue
• thirst
• more frequent urination
• feeling warmer than usual, sometimes uncomfortably so
• and as of yesterday, a little bit of nausea, and basically not feeling well, as if I'm coming down with something

I really, really hope that this all means something. I'm feeling happy and PUPO, though, which counts for something. I'll take it over the stressed and depressed feelings I had the last go round with my FET. One more week to go. If memory serves me right, these symptoms will come and go, change and morph...but if I'm pregnant they won't go away completely. Here's to hoping!

*typical progesterone symptoms that don't mean much.

P.S. Thank you to everyone that responded to my letter. You guys are great :)

a letter

Dear embryos,

I know that you guys only consist of a few cells, but I am already in love. I am staring at your picture right now, and let me tell you, you are all gorgeous. None of you are "perfect", but what is perfection, anyway? I have already memorized how each of you look. I can see you when I close my eyes, just like I will memorize your faces if you should make it that far.

Please stay. I say this to all of you, even if the thought of having all three of you snuggling in for the long haul makes me a little scared. I can take it, I promise. My body is strong and healthy, if not as young as it once was. I promise I will eat healthy food, drink plenty of water, and take my vitamins. I know my life is a little hectic, but I do get plenty of rest, and I will take even more if you stick around.

Please stay. You have three brothers and sisters who will love to play with you. Yes, they'll be a bit older than you, but they are for the most part, kind and gentle. I will try and keep your sister from fussing with you too much. We have a big house, with plenty of room for you to make your own, and lots of places perfect for playing hide and seek. We have a big yard with a play scape, woods to explore (when you're older!) and even a safe parking lot perfect for bike riding.

Please stay. Your Dad and I have so much love to give. We don't have all the money in the world, but we have enough to give you a comfortable life. We love life, and we love kids, and we love to play. It would be my pleasure to ignore the dishes and just play on the floor with you. Your Dad and I love to spend time picking out the perfect pumpkin and then carving it, or making Christmas cookies. But we also love just doing the ordinary things. Your Dad is crazy in the grocery store! We're not perfect, nobody is, but we are loving, and we try...we really try, to be the best, most patient parents we can be.

I love you. I will love you. I would love to see what babies, what children, you could become.

Please stay

Your adoring mother