First off, I have to say thank you for everyone who has been commenting and helping me through the last few days. Your advice and support has been greatly appreciated. I don't have many followers, but those of you who are here ROCK. Seriously...you all rock.
My husband and I have been together a long time. Seventeen years, to be exact. We went on our first date on June 10, 1994. (Holy crap, I'm old). To say that we know each other well is an understatement. Which is why I was so hurt and surprised when he stonewalled me on the ttc issue. I mean, how could he possibly expect me to stop on one FET when we have two insurance paid cycles still in the bag? It turns out he does know me, better than I know him, apparently.
Last night, shortly after I wrote my last post, I decided I would go and talk to DH again. Before I could start to beg and plead again he said "Ok.....this is what I want." And you know, just like he knew, the first word out of my mouth was "anything." Just tattoo the words SUCKER or EASY MARK across my forehead. Also JERK, because I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt. Because when something means that much to me he always tries to make me happy. And who can blame him for working the system? I'm the one who made the rookie mistake of showing my hand and going all in when I knew he held all the cards. In any case, I'm getting off easy, and I get to try again. And I know my husband's secret, he loves his kids, and he loves babies, and either way he comes out a winner. And I know he's afraid it will work, and I know he's afraid it won't work, and I know he's afraid that I'll end up hurt and broken...because I'm afraid too. And I know he loves me, and he knows I love him, and someday, with any luck, maybe there will be one more of us to love? I know the odds aren't good, but man, right now just the chance to try feels like victory :)
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Love has no pride
I am currently hiding upstairs away from my husband. I heated myself up some dinner and crept to the bedroom to eat it alone. I haven't spoken to him since we had our talk yesterday, and right now, I'm not sure when I'll want to talk to him.
I laid out everything on the table. I told him how I felt. And he doesn't care.
The heart of the matter is that the kids make me happy. I feel loved, needed, and appreciated. But not by him. My husband told me that I need to 'get a life'. I thought I had one. I told him that as much as he doesn't want a child, I want another child, and that somehow we have to compromise. He told me that he already compromised by letting me do a FET and that's it.
I respect his position. I do. But I am lonely and I'm sad. And I don't know how I'm going to look at the man who said 'no' to my dreams for the rest of my life. I have to pack up the dream I've held on to for two years now and say goodbye first. But it is so incredibly hard.
I never thought I would get another chance. I didn't think we had the insurance, and there was no way I would bankrupt us for another child. But then I was handed this gift of three more cycles. It is like being handed a winning lottery ticket, but my husband won't allow me to scratch it. I don't know where to go from here.
I laid out everything on the table. I told him how I felt. And he doesn't care.
The heart of the matter is that the kids make me happy. I feel loved, needed, and appreciated. But not by him. My husband told me that I need to 'get a life'. I thought I had one. I told him that as much as he doesn't want a child, I want another child, and that somehow we have to compromise. He told me that he already compromised by letting me do a FET and that's it.
I respect his position. I do. But I am lonely and I'm sad. And I don't know how I'm going to look at the man who said 'no' to my dreams for the rest of my life. I have to pack up the dream I've held on to for two years now and say goodbye first. But it is so incredibly hard.
I never thought I would get another chance. I didn't think we had the insurance, and there was no way I would bankrupt us for another child. But then I was handed this gift of three more cycles. It is like being handed a winning lottery ticket, but my husband won't allow me to scratch it. I don't know where to go from here.
Monday, August 22, 2011
If I can make it there I'll make it anywhere.
NY NY is a happening town. My friend and I had a great time walking, eating, and trying to see some things that we hadn't seen before. The city is amazing in so many ways. The wildest thing to me is that I've seen New York so much on TV and in movies that walking around there feels a little unreal, like I've stepped through the looking glass. It's almost like if you reach out and tough the walls they'll be made of wood instead of stone. Totally surreal.
My friend and I took the train into the city, then took a subway downtown. We walked around Chinatown looking for a dumpling place she'd heard good things about. We found it, it was a tiny little place, and it was immaculate. I swear we could have eaten off the floor. The food was every bit as good as hoped for, and cheap too.
The weather was strange. Every time we came out of a place, the weather had changed. It was breezy and overcast when we popped into the restaurant, but sunny and hot when we came out. We went into the Asian market, and when we came out it was sprinkling. I swear, all day, different weather. On one occasion we came out of a gallery and it was pouring. Then after two minutes of waiting under an overhang, the sky cleared and it became sunny and hot again. Freaky.
And there were pregnant women everywhere. We went to a fabric and fiber store called Purl and it was filled with nesting pregnant women. Everywhere I turned there was a pregnant woman buying yarn to knit a blankie or fabric for a quilt. Even the woman who worked there that cut my fabric was hugely pregnant. I wanted to be pregnant too...so badly.
Where there wasn't pregnant women there were babies, and toddlers in strollers. Sometimes pregnant women with a friend with a baby in a stroller. I saw a man pick up a stroller with an infant in it, prop it on his hip, and walk up a flight of subway stairs. It made my heart stop for a minute. On the train back home there was a little girl who looked so much like my daughter it made my heart hurt. Then I chided myself for not being able to take a day away from my kids without being sad...and stole another peak at her.
We got back to the train station in CT and there were more pregnant women. The bathroom was full of them. I sat in the stall and remembered the last time I came to NY. I was having my period then, too, and I'll never forget the date because it would be my last period for over a year...the LMP the OB asks for every time you visit. By the next month I would be pregnant with the twins.
I had a great time, but I would have given anything to have been unable to go because I was pregnant. If not that, it would be great to be about to start another cycle. At least the giant boulder of sadness that was weighing me down has become nothing more than a pebble. It is amazing, though, how much a little pebble can rub you raw.
I've got to talk to my husband about trying again. I know it won't be easy. I know he'll probably say no. But I have to try. I just have to.
My friend and I took the train into the city, then took a subway downtown. We walked around Chinatown looking for a dumpling place she'd heard good things about. We found it, it was a tiny little place, and it was immaculate. I swear we could have eaten off the floor. The food was every bit as good as hoped for, and cheap too.
The weather was strange. Every time we came out of a place, the weather had changed. It was breezy and overcast when we popped into the restaurant, but sunny and hot when we came out. We went into the Asian market, and when we came out it was sprinkling. I swear, all day, different weather. On one occasion we came out of a gallery and it was pouring. Then after two minutes of waiting under an overhang, the sky cleared and it became sunny and hot again. Freaky.
And there were pregnant women everywhere. We went to a fabric and fiber store called Purl and it was filled with nesting pregnant women. Everywhere I turned there was a pregnant woman buying yarn to knit a blankie or fabric for a quilt. Even the woman who worked there that cut my fabric was hugely pregnant. I wanted to be pregnant too...so badly.
Where there wasn't pregnant women there were babies, and toddlers in strollers. Sometimes pregnant women with a friend with a baby in a stroller. I saw a man pick up a stroller with an infant in it, prop it on his hip, and walk up a flight of subway stairs. It made my heart stop for a minute. On the train back home there was a little girl who looked so much like my daughter it made my heart hurt. Then I chided myself for not being able to take a day away from my kids without being sad...and stole another peak at her.
We got back to the train station in CT and there were more pregnant women. The bathroom was full of them. I sat in the stall and remembered the last time I came to NY. I was having my period then, too, and I'll never forget the date because it would be my last period for over a year...the LMP the OB asks for every time you visit. By the next month I would be pregnant with the twins.
I had a great time, but I would have given anything to have been unable to go because I was pregnant. If not that, it would be great to be about to start another cycle. At least the giant boulder of sadness that was weighing me down has become nothing more than a pebble. It is amazing, though, how much a little pebble can rub you raw.
I've got to talk to my husband about trying again. I know it won't be easy. I know he'll probably say no. But I have to try. I just have to.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Bad things come in threes
First off, my period. It sucks ass. It feels like my ute is trying to drop out of my body, and I'm fine with that. Go...just go. If I'm not going to be using you anymore, you might as well get out of here. Don't let the cervix hit you on the way out. My boobs hurt, my head hurts, my gut hurts, I feel nauseous and I'm having hot flashes. It's like my body is trying to be pregnant and go through menopause at the same time.
Second, my glasses broke. The temple snapped off. I am legally blind in one eye, and the other is quite crappy, so I need glasses to see everything. I spent the last two days super gluing the things together and trying to see out of a lens that was smeared with the stuff (and no, nail polish remover didn't get the glue off. bleh) I ended up going to the mall twice to get a new pair. Now I have a sparkly new pair...Yeah! But the left eye is KILLING me. I'm sure the doctor didn't care for the fact that I CAN'T SEE OUT OF MY LEFT EYE. No bumping up of the prescription will help. Trying to correct it will either make me see double and/or give me splitting headaches. If my eye doesn't adjust within a couple of days, that means I will have to go back. I'm not happy.
Third on the list, the minivan is seriously malfunctioning. On the way to the mall yesterday it overheated two times, requiring massive amounts of coolant being thrown into it that was purchased at two separate roadside gas stations. There was no puddles of coolant anywhere, but the back of the van was awash in oily coolant residue. This has led my husband to believe that the van has blown a head gasket. I am not happy about this. I am in fact seething with resentment. I didn't want to drop around 400 dollars for an eye doctor's appointment and a pair of glasses,( which in some weird twist is NOT covered by our insurance, so costs more than our last round of assisted reproduction). I do not want to drop over 600 fat ones to fix the van. I want to try to convince my husband to let me do another round of IVF, which now that our deductible has been met should be cheap. But with these expenses piling up, my husband is just that more unlikely to meet me half way on this...heck he wasn't likely to begin with. These unexpected expenses just leave me with no wiggle room at all.
On a good note, I am getting away with a friend to NYC on Sunday. Here's to hoping that my left eye and my ute start to cooperate with the rest of my body instead of causing me pain. I'm now going to curl up around a heating pad with my eyes closed for a while. Maybe next time I post I won't be feeling so damned sorry for myself. If I am, feel free to kick me in the ass.
Second, my glasses broke. The temple snapped off. I am legally blind in one eye, and the other is quite crappy, so I need glasses to see everything. I spent the last two days super gluing the things together and trying to see out of a lens that was smeared with the stuff (and no, nail polish remover didn't get the glue off. bleh) I ended up going to the mall twice to get a new pair. Now I have a sparkly new pair...Yeah! But the left eye is KILLING me. I'm sure the doctor didn't care for the fact that I CAN'T SEE OUT OF MY LEFT EYE. No bumping up of the prescription will help. Trying to correct it will either make me see double and/or give me splitting headaches. If my eye doesn't adjust within a couple of days, that means I will have to go back. I'm not happy.
Third on the list, the minivan is seriously malfunctioning. On the way to the mall yesterday it overheated two times, requiring massive amounts of coolant being thrown into it that was purchased at two separate roadside gas stations. There was no puddles of coolant anywhere, but the back of the van was awash in oily coolant residue. This has led my husband to believe that the van has blown a head gasket. I am not happy about this. I am in fact seething with resentment. I didn't want to drop around 400 dollars for an eye doctor's appointment and a pair of glasses,( which in some weird twist is NOT covered by our insurance, so costs more than our last round of assisted reproduction). I do not want to drop over 600 fat ones to fix the van. I want to try to convince my husband to let me do another round of IVF, which now that our deductible has been met should be cheap. But with these expenses piling up, my husband is just that more unlikely to meet me half way on this...heck he wasn't likely to begin with. These unexpected expenses just leave me with no wiggle room at all.
On a good note, I am getting away with a friend to NYC on Sunday. Here's to hoping that my left eye and my ute start to cooperate with the rest of my body instead of causing me pain. I'm now going to curl up around a heating pad with my eyes closed for a while. Maybe next time I post I won't be feeling so damned sorry for myself. If I am, feel free to kick me in the ass.
Monday, August 15, 2011
broken
I woke up this morning after having a bad dream that the clinic hadn't actually put my embryos in culture but had transferred them by mistake into someone else. I opened my eyes to see my son in front of me holding his precious balloon from the party in his hand. It had had flown out of his hands and been thrashed to bits by the ceiling fan, and his face looked every bit as sad and broken as I felt. "Can I plea ea ea ease have another one?" he sobbed. I held him in my arms and said "Of course."
Since Saturday that's all I've wanted. Another chance. All Sunday morning I ran about cleaning in a fog of misery. I threw out the trash that had the pregnancy tests and estrogen patches and cried inside. I took AK's cradle out of the parlor and put it, with baby doll X, back into her room and tried not to look at it lying there in the little outfit I had bought...hoping I would get to use it, and I cried inside. I put piles of flotsam and jetsam in the back room and tried not to look around and imagine it as the nursery, and failed, and cried some more...inside. When the party started it was like opposite day for me. Where I used to walk around with a hidden bubble of happiness and hope, I instead walked around with a bubble of sadness in my gut. I would be having a great time and then suddenly 'pop' something inside would break a little and I would feel broken and said, while still trying to smile.
Today I felt better, most of the time, but every once in a while a feeling sort of like squirrels running around in my gut came out of nowhere. All I could think was "I am so unhappy...what can I do what can I do what can I do?" but I had no answers. Then my husband came home so I could take AK to her annual well visit, and the clinic called. My husband answered the phone and handed it to me...and the embryos didn't make it to freeze. I felt like a giant hole had opened up at my feet. The nurse was asking me if I planned to try another cycle, or if it was just a "use up the embryos kind of thing" and my husband kept shaking his head NO NO NO. I mumbled something about talking it over and hung up the phone. I made it through the doctor's visit, AK was a great, and through taking the kids through the balloon store, but all the way home my heart kept dropping. I couldn't look at my husband, I couldn't open my mouth. I didn't want to start crying.
I made it upstairs. I blocked the bedroom door. And I haven't stopped crying since. I can see the picture of my embryos in my mind. They look so beautiful, the cells like perfect soap bubbles...popping one by one. And I just want someone to tell me I can get another one. Is that too much to ask? I guess it is.
Since Saturday that's all I've wanted. Another chance. All Sunday morning I ran about cleaning in a fog of misery. I threw out the trash that had the pregnancy tests and estrogen patches and cried inside. I took AK's cradle out of the parlor and put it, with baby doll X, back into her room and tried not to look at it lying there in the little outfit I had bought...hoping I would get to use it, and I cried inside. I put piles of flotsam and jetsam in the back room and tried not to look around and imagine it as the nursery, and failed, and cried some more...inside. When the party started it was like opposite day for me. Where I used to walk around with a hidden bubble of happiness and hope, I instead walked around with a bubble of sadness in my gut. I would be having a great time and then suddenly 'pop' something inside would break a little and I would feel broken and said, while still trying to smile.
Today I felt better, most of the time, but every once in a while a feeling sort of like squirrels running around in my gut came out of nowhere. All I could think was "I am so unhappy...what can I do what can I do what can I do?" but I had no answers. Then my husband came home so I could take AK to her annual well visit, and the clinic called. My husband answered the phone and handed it to me...and the embryos didn't make it to freeze. I felt like a giant hole had opened up at my feet. The nurse was asking me if I planned to try another cycle, or if it was just a "use up the embryos kind of thing" and my husband kept shaking his head NO NO NO. I mumbled something about talking it over and hung up the phone. I made it through the doctor's visit, AK was a great, and through taking the kids through the balloon store, but all the way home my heart kept dropping. I couldn't look at my husband, I couldn't open my mouth. I didn't want to start crying.
I made it upstairs. I blocked the bedroom door. And I haven't stopped crying since. I can see the picture of my embryos in my mind. They look so beautiful, the cells like perfect soap bubbles...popping one by one. And I just want someone to tell me I can get another one. Is that too much to ask? I guess it is.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
no.
BFN for me.
I don't know where I'm going from here. I still don't know if I have a blast or not from the two remaining embryos they put in culture.
I'm feeling sad and sick at heart. But I have a cold beer in my hand, and I'm crazy busy trying to get the house clean for tomorrow's party. I'll try to find some time to have a good cry later. At least this crazy 2ww is over.
I don't know where I'm going from here. I still don't know if I have a blast or not from the two remaining embryos they put in culture.
I'm feeling sad and sick at heart. But I have a cold beer in my hand, and I'm crazy busy trying to get the house clean for tomorrow's party. I'll try to find some time to have a good cry later. At least this crazy 2ww is over.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Pee, trees, and bees
Thank you Jo for pointing me to peeonastick.com. Not only did I find that I was using an unreliable test, but I learned that it's sensitivity is only 25. With my usually low beta numbers and bad doubling times, it is unlikely that I would see a positive result until my actual beta day. So, back to the drawing board.
In other news...I've got bees! As in honeybees, a whole buzzing nest of honeybees. We have a very large 200 year old black walnut in our backyard that has three trunks branching out of a single base. Or I should say, had three trunks. Now it has only two. The third is lying on the ground right now. The poor tree is sickly :( Since the base has three trunks, it has left an opening in the center, allowing moisture and insects to wreck havoc on two of the three trunks. My husband and I were in the process of trying to figure out what to do about it, cut it down? call a tree service? put it up for auction on ebay? when one of the trunks came crashing to the ground three days ago.
While playing in the backyard with the kids, I noticed a low hum, like an ac unit running in the background. Flying around a hole in the tree that would have normally been at least 20 feet in the air, was a squadron of bees...or wasps....I wasn't sure. In any case, I knew that no one was going to be going near that tree with a chainsaw anytime soon.
My husband asked questions of some guys at work, and it turns out somebody knew a guy who knew a guy who deals with honey bees. So...last night D went out and took some pictures and emailed them to the bee dude, who is now coming here on Saturday to do a bee nest-ectomy. I'm hoping that I can at least get a chunk of honey comb out of the deal. At least the bees will be safe in a new home. Honeybees have been falling prey to some kind of mite or fungus that is killing them off in droves, and from the pictures we took it appears that this hive is miraculously healthy! (when they are sick a white fuzz appears on their faces, and none of the bees in the picture appear to be afflicted according to bee dude). Yeah! The bees will have a new home and we'll be safe to saw to our hearts' content.
In other news...I've got bees! As in honeybees, a whole buzzing nest of honeybees. We have a very large 200 year old black walnut in our backyard that has three trunks branching out of a single base. Or I should say, had three trunks. Now it has only two. The third is lying on the ground right now. The poor tree is sickly :( Since the base has three trunks, it has left an opening in the center, allowing moisture and insects to wreck havoc on two of the three trunks. My husband and I were in the process of trying to figure out what to do about it, cut it down? call a tree service? put it up for auction on ebay? when one of the trunks came crashing to the ground three days ago.
While playing in the backyard with the kids, I noticed a low hum, like an ac unit running in the background. Flying around a hole in the tree that would have normally been at least 20 feet in the air, was a squadron of bees...or wasps....I wasn't sure. In any case, I knew that no one was going to be going near that tree with a chainsaw anytime soon.
My husband asked questions of some guys at work, and it turns out somebody knew a guy who knew a guy who deals with honey bees. So...last night D went out and took some pictures and emailed them to the bee dude, who is now coming here on Saturday to do a bee nest-ectomy. I'm hoping that I can at least get a chunk of honey comb out of the deal. At least the bees will be safe in a new home. Honeybees have been falling prey to some kind of mite or fungus that is killing them off in droves, and from the pictures we took it appears that this hive is miraculously healthy! (when they are sick a white fuzz appears on their faces, and none of the bees in the picture appear to be afflicted according to bee dude). Yeah! The bees will have a new home and we'll be safe to saw to our hearts' content.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...
Thank you everyone for helping me step off the edge. This 2ww has been driving me crazy since before it even started, and I knew it would. I have never POAS before, and obviously for a good reason, because I can't handle it.
I am usually very zen during the 2ww. I walk around with a little bubble of hope in my chest. I enjoy thinking to myself that 'right now I could be pregnant'. This time around though, I am just full of anxiety. The hope doesn't feel good, it feels like a lie I'm telling myself. I don't feel good about any of it. I guess I was hoping that I would get a faint BFP and put my mind at ease, although I knew reading the packaging how unlikely it was that I would see one. Maybe I'm just sabotaging myself? If so, it is probably because I would rather feel sad than nervous, if it makes any sense.
The good news is that it is Thursday. I only have tomorrow and Saturday to go, and they will be busy days. Sunday is my birthday, and I will be surrounded by friends and family in my new home, and if I get that BFN that I think I'll be getting, I'll be able to drink and celebrate my birthday. Even if my smile won't be as bright as it could be. And maybe, just maybe, I am wrong. At the very least, some of my anxiety is starting to fade and to become acceptance.
In the meantime, do any of you pee stick people know how good the test I took was? It was a CVS brand with a plus or negative sign instead of two lines. Any information regarding it's usefulness or lack thereof would be appreciated. (I know I should have gone with Jo's suggestion of using the Equate from Wal.mart, but my hubby bought it).
I am usually very zen during the 2ww. I walk around with a little bubble of hope in my chest. I enjoy thinking to myself that 'right now I could be pregnant'. This time around though, I am just full of anxiety. The hope doesn't feel good, it feels like a lie I'm telling myself. I don't feel good about any of it. I guess I was hoping that I would get a faint BFP and put my mind at ease, although I knew reading the packaging how unlikely it was that I would see one. Maybe I'm just sabotaging myself? If so, it is probably because I would rather feel sad than nervous, if it makes any sense.
The good news is that it is Thursday. I only have tomorrow and Saturday to go, and they will be busy days. Sunday is my birthday, and I will be surrounded by friends and family in my new home, and if I get that BFN that I think I'll be getting, I'll be able to drink and celebrate my birthday. Even if my smile won't be as bright as it could be. And maybe, just maybe, I am wrong. At the very least, some of my anxiety is starting to fade and to become acceptance.
In the meantime, do any of you pee stick people know how good the test I took was? It was a CVS brand with a plus or negative sign instead of two lines. Any information regarding it's usefulness or lack thereof would be appreciated. (I know I should have gone with Jo's suggestion of using the Equate from Wal.mart, but my hubby bought it).
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
BFN?????
8dp3dt I POAS and got a negative. It is still too early to give up hope, but I'm wishing that I hadn't caved. I will keep the second test in the pack to take on Saturday morning to make the wait easier. I'm feeling very sad, though, and defeated.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Bring on da Crazy!!!!
sung to the tune of 'my bonnie lies over the ocean'
The two week wait is driving me crazy
The two week wait is driving me mad
The two week wait is making me crazy
But beta day could make me sad
Bring back, bring back, oh bring back the happy to me, to me
Bring back, bring back, oh bring back the happy to me.
I've officially lost my mind. I thought I had until Wednesday to start slipping, but no, today is the day. You would think that I would be an old pro at this by now. I did too. You would think that because I'm going for a 'bonus baby' that it wouldn't matter to me either way. I thought that too, and apparently I'm wrong on that score too.
Why is it so HARD. I thought that I would have plenty to distract me. But no, the 2ww is distracting me from everything else. The mundane day to day tasks of laundry, dishes, and toy pick up allow me too much leeway to obsess about symptoms. I can't focus on any of the books I've bought or borrowed. And none of the other tricks I've used in the past will work for me. Before I've bought a cute baby outfit, or started knitting a blanket, something positive and hopeful...but I've always done it with the excuse that I can give the outfit and/or blanket to someone else when it doesn't work out, but now I've got nothing*.
The biggest thing that has always carried me through is the idea that I can try again. I still have the ace in the hole of two more cycles covered by insurance, but I'm not holding out any hope that I have any remaining embryos to use. And I know, I'm about 90% certain that my husband will put his foot down about trying a fresh cycle. To be honest, I don't really want to do one either. The chances of getting pregnant with my own eggs will be slim and the chance of miscarriage high. If only I had a blast in the hole I would feel so much better. (umm...that doesn't sound too good ;)
What I really want is to not want this soooo much. Aaaaarg!
*I think I may dabble in this option anyway. I can always send stuff to my internet buddies who have already gotten their BFP's, you know who you are. :)
The two week wait is driving me crazy
The two week wait is driving me mad
The two week wait is making me crazy
But beta day could make me sad
Bring back, bring back, oh bring back the happy to me, to me
Bring back, bring back, oh bring back the happy to me.
I've officially lost my mind. I thought I had until Wednesday to start slipping, but no, today is the day. You would think that I would be an old pro at this by now. I did too. You would think that because I'm going for a 'bonus baby' that it wouldn't matter to me either way. I thought that too, and apparently I'm wrong on that score too.
Why is it so HARD. I thought that I would have plenty to distract me. But no, the 2ww is distracting me from everything else. The mundane day to day tasks of laundry, dishes, and toy pick up allow me too much leeway to obsess about symptoms. I can't focus on any of the books I've bought or borrowed. And none of the other tricks I've used in the past will work for me. Before I've bought a cute baby outfit, or started knitting a blanket, something positive and hopeful...but I've always done it with the excuse that I can give the outfit and/or blanket to someone else when it doesn't work out, but now I've got nothing*.
The biggest thing that has always carried me through is the idea that I can try again. I still have the ace in the hole of two more cycles covered by insurance, but I'm not holding out any hope that I have any remaining embryos to use. And I know, I'm about 90% certain that my husband will put his foot down about trying a fresh cycle. To be honest, I don't really want to do one either. The chances of getting pregnant with my own eggs will be slim and the chance of miscarriage high. If only I had a blast in the hole I would feel so much better. (umm...that doesn't sound too good ;)
What I really want is to not want this soooo much. Aaaaarg!
*I think I may dabble in this option anyway. I can always send stuff to my internet buddies who have already gotten their BFP's, you know who you are. :)
Monday, August 8, 2011
7 Dwarfs
Grumpy: I still haven't gotten the letter from the clinic that is supposed to tell me if either of my
remaining embryos made it to the blast stage to be frozen. Grr... I called their answer
line, but I'm not betting they'll give me an answer. It's too hot. The house is a mess.
Bitch, bitch bitch, bitch, grumble, grumble.
I'm also convinced about every other minute that a) I can't possibly be pregnant and
b) if I'm feeling any symptoms they are either in my head or related to the hormones
I'm taking.
Happy: I feel symptoms! Yeah! And Jo saw two lines today. It's another day down, my birthday
is coming, and I could be pregnant! Yeah!
Dopey: Did I swap out the estrogen patch yesterday? I don't remember...I'll swap it today just
in case. Did I give AK her medicine? Where did I put my water glass?
Hungry: All the time. I want greasy garbage fried in lard and smothered in goo. NOW!
Sleepy: I'm so tired. I just want to take a nap.
Crampy: A twinge here, a cramp there, an ache every which way.
and Doc: Drink your water. Stay cool. Are you sure you should be lifting that? You didn't swap
out your patches yesterday, did you? You need to take your estrogen 3X a day. Now
go drink some more water! And don't forget that baby aspirin.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Everything is gonna be alright
I went to get my blood drawn to check my estrogen and progesterone levels this morning. Since Que.st labs isn't open on the weekends, this involved driving over an hour to my clinic just to get it done. Yesterday my husband had the bright idea of making this a family outing, we would get the kids up and dressed and out the door, quick dash in to get my blood drawn while they all waited, and then off to the neat little restaurant the two of us ate at transfer day, then to the little mall on the way home to see if the shirts he'd ordered were in.
It seemed easy enough. Except that I had to get up at the ass-crack of dawn to get in the shower. I woke up feeling a little...oogy. A little nauseous, everything seemed to smell a little strongly, and my coffee tasted bitter and metallic.* And then, the heavens opened up! It was POURING, buckets, cats, dogs, and elephants. On the way to the car, everyone got wet, and the drive was, in a word, tense. My husband was driving and he kept going way too fast. No matter how many times I asked him to slow down the speed kept creeping up there until I was ready to throttle him, and the road was barely visible in the downpour.
We got to the clinic alive. While dashing into the building I noticed that in spite of the fact that my shirt was nearly soaked there was a huge white stain right over my right boob, which I then remembered was toothpaste that I thought I had taken care of. Wrong. I dashed to the ladies to try and clean it, but the stuff was on there. Grrr....
I came out to find that hubby and the kids had been splashing in puddles to keep the troupes entertained. Everyone was wet and muddy, but thankfully smiling. On to the restaurant...
Where, naturally, being that it is Sunday morning, was totally PACKED. There wasn't even anywhere to sit and wait. The kids were thrilled, though, and the wait was promised to be short. Then hubby pointed at my boob and said "You know, you've got a little something there on your shirt." Yeah, I know, thanks.
We finally get to sit down, but the kitchen is swamped. The kids get crankier and we only have packets of jelly and hubby's cell phone to entertain them. But when the food arrived it was very good, which is a good thing because I felt like I could eat a horse. Then I started to hear the music. I'm not sure if they just put it on, or if I had been too distracted to notice, or if someone cranked the volume. It was Dave Matthews singing a cover of a Bob Marley tune, and all of my kids started bobbing to the music.
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright now
Everything is gonna be alright
Then my little Nate beamed his beautifulest smile and said "I'm so HAPPY!"
Everything is going to be alright, indeed, no matter how this cycle goes. It's gonna be all right. :)
*vaguely interesting possible pregnancy symptoms. They have since abated, but since HSG and it's symptoms are strongest in the AM, especially early on, this is typical for me. Doctor said that prog and estrogen are right where they want to see them. Yeah!
It seemed easy enough. Except that I had to get up at the ass-crack of dawn to get in the shower. I woke up feeling a little...oogy. A little nauseous, everything seemed to smell a little strongly, and my coffee tasted bitter and metallic.* And then, the heavens opened up! It was POURING, buckets, cats, dogs, and elephants. On the way to the car, everyone got wet, and the drive was, in a word, tense. My husband was driving and he kept going way too fast. No matter how many times I asked him to slow down the speed kept creeping up there until I was ready to throttle him, and the road was barely visible in the downpour.
We got to the clinic alive. While dashing into the building I noticed that in spite of the fact that my shirt was nearly soaked there was a huge white stain right over my right boob, which I then remembered was toothpaste that I thought I had taken care of. Wrong. I dashed to the ladies to try and clean it, but the stuff was on there. Grrr....
I came out to find that hubby and the kids had been splashing in puddles to keep the troupes entertained. Everyone was wet and muddy, but thankfully smiling. On to the restaurant...
Where, naturally, being that it is Sunday morning, was totally PACKED. There wasn't even anywhere to sit and wait. The kids were thrilled, though, and the wait was promised to be short. Then hubby pointed at my boob and said "You know, you've got a little something there on your shirt." Yeah, I know, thanks.
We finally get to sit down, but the kitchen is swamped. The kids get crankier and we only have packets of jelly and hubby's cell phone to entertain them. But when the food arrived it was very good, which is a good thing because I felt like I could eat a horse. Then I started to hear the music. I'm not sure if they just put it on, or if I had been too distracted to notice, or if someone cranked the volume. It was Dave Matthews singing a cover of a Bob Marley tune, and all of my kids started bobbing to the music.
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright now
Everything is gonna be alright
Then my little Nate beamed his beautifulest smile and said "I'm so HAPPY!"
Everything is going to be alright, indeed, no matter how this cycle goes. It's gonna be all right. :)
*vaguely interesting possible pregnancy symptoms. They have since abated, but since HSG and it's symptoms are strongest in the AM, especially early on, this is typical for me. Doctor said that prog and estrogen are right where they want to see them. Yeah!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Chicken the Pig
A few brief answers about me.
Thanks for reading :)
- Chickenpig comes from my maiden name ( Peck ham). It was a nickname given to me in college by some of my closest friends, when the internet wasn't even a twinkling in Al Gore's eye. But, we did have bulletin boards, mostly inhabited by college kids, and open chat rooms, and Chickenpig became my identity. It has been ever since. I was occasionally called 'the Oinkclucker' .
- I am 40 years old. I'll be 41 the day after my beta for my 7th IVF, 4th frozen cycle.
- I am an art historian and worked as a museum professional. Because of the difficulty of finding any job that pays in my chosen profession I have made eyewear, worked in a daycare, and passed my black jack dealer's audition at one of our local Indian casinos.
- My husband is a mechanical engineer. It is his job making giant machines of death for the navy that has paid for the conception of our children. Like being in the military, because his company and the military work hand in hand, he is often sent on long term work assignments, the longest for over a year. He is 41 years of age, and has wonky sperm.
- No, twins do not run in my family ;)
- I have 3 children, twin boys who are 5 and a daughter that just turned three. One of our sons has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, a mild form of autism.
- We all live in CT, our house was built circa 1810 on the town green. The neighborhood is on the national register of historic places. Before I ever dreamed of being married, or having children, I dreamed of this house.
- I can weave, hook rugs, sew a gown by hand, cook over an open fire, set type by hand, and operate a printing press all while telling tourists where the bathroom is.
Thanks for reading :)
Friday, August 5, 2011
State of the Ute
3dp3dt and all is well. :) I just felt like posting something to help me focus on the here and now instead of the ambiguous future.
What I'm doing:
What I'm not doing. (or trying to not be doing, take your pick)
What my embryos are doing (hopefully...fingers crossed)
What I'm doing:
- Playing a TON of Gardens of Time on FB. The twins, especially N, really like this, and I admit it kills a lot of time...and it's free.
- Trying to remember to drink plenty of water.
- Avoiding the stairs, lifting anything heavy, or raising my core body temperature.
- Spending every spare minute I'm not working reading the blogs of fellow cyclers of the Tour de Crotch.
- Eating...a lot. The progesterone makes me HUNGRY.
- Feeling very upbeat and optimistic. :)
- Staring obsessively at the picture of my embryos. They really are beautiful.
- Taking estrogen, baby aspirin, pre natal vitamins, estrogen patches, and shots of progesterone in the upper quadrant of my ample buttocks.
What I'm not doing. (or trying to not be doing, take your pick)
- Obsessing every minute about symptoms or how I'm feeling.
- Checking the mail every five minutes to see if the letter from the clinic about the remaining embryos is there.
- Worrying about how what I'm doing or not doing, eating or not eating, is affecting the embryos ,chances of implanting.
- Acupuncture, pineapple eating, wheat grass drinking, standing on my head, or any other 2ww craziness.
- Giving into feelings of despair or hopelessness that this cycle is a bust. (at least not yet)
- Peeing on a stick. I will not. no no no no no.
- Drinking alcohol, more than one cup of coffee a day, drinking anything caffeinated other than my 1 cup of coffee.
- Sleeping very much.
What my embryos are doing (hopefully...fingers crossed)
- At six days post ovulation the embryos are most likely still expanding and collapsing like supernovas on crack. At some point, maybe today (please, oh please), the embryos will stretch and polarize. They are now blastocysts and they snuggle into my uterine lining, as they continue to grow, and split, and then IMPLANT. (Woot!).
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Non pregnancy pregnancy symptoms
A couple more days and I'll be half way through the 2ww. Which is another way of saying that it has been a whopping 2 days since my 3 day embryo transfer ;)
Right now I have what feels like the worst case of PMS going on. Thanks to being shot with 1 and 1/2 cc's of progesterone in the butt, plus taking estrogen pills 3X a day on top of the patches, I'm a giant bowl of hormonal soup. My boobs are the size of Texas and are SORE , I feel weird random cramps and twinges, and I seem to be endlessly hungry. On top of this, the prenatal vitamins make me feel queasy and give me heartburn. (I take them at night, because otherwise it bothers me during the day. Now I remember why I stopped taking the *beeping* things during pregnancy last time. Vitamins don't agree with me).
These symptoms bother me because they will only continue the more progesterone I do. In the past, I have been able to separate the real pregnancy symptoms from the drug induced pregnancy symptoms, but I don't think I will be able to this time. I just wish I didn't feel like I'm on the verge of the period from Hell ;)
Right now I have what feels like the worst case of PMS going on. Thanks to being shot with 1 and 1/2 cc's of progesterone in the butt, plus taking estrogen pills 3X a day on top of the patches, I'm a giant bowl of hormonal soup. My boobs are the size of Texas and are SORE , I feel weird random cramps and twinges, and I seem to be endlessly hungry. On top of this, the prenatal vitamins make me feel queasy and give me heartburn. (I take them at night, because otherwise it bothers me during the day. Now I remember why I stopped taking the *beeping* things during pregnancy last time. Vitamins don't agree with me).
These symptoms bother me because they will only continue the more progesterone I do. In the past, I have been able to separate the real pregnancy symptoms from the drug induced pregnancy symptoms, but I don't think I will be able to this time. I just wish I didn't feel like I'm on the verge of the period from Hell ;)
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Pretty is as pretty does.
Transfer day! Everything went according to plan. Hubby and I arrived right on time. I had it timed just right, bladder full but not uncomfortable. Business as usual. Unfortunately, they had to thaw all 4 embryos to get two good ones to transfer. Both of those embryos are a grade 2, 8 cell, beauties. About as nice as you can get frozen, according to the Doc. The other two were both grade 2's also, one a 6 cell and the other only had two. They are putting them in culture for a couple of days to see if they make it to blast and then re freeze. My RE says there is a good chance the 6 cell will make it, but not so much the 2 cell.
I was saddened by the news. I wish now that I had told them to transfer the 2 cell embryo as well, what would it have hurt? I don't believe that the pretty embryos are always the ones that stick. In fact, I have lots of evidence to the contrary. My twins started out as lumpy, poor grade embryos of only 4 and 6 cells respectively, with lots of fragmentation to boot. On the other hand, I transferred 12 embryos that were picture perfect. You should have SEEN the 4 beauties I transferred in my first two cycles. They looked like embryos from a text book. And so did the ones I transferred today, with just a teensy tad of fragmentation from the thaw process holding them back from perfection. What a mystery this whole process is.
Anyway, chances are I don't have the fall back plan I was hoping for. This scares me, because in my mind I was already prepared for the next FET. If I don't get pregnant, and the embryos don't make it to the next stage, this may be the end of the road for me.
I was saddened by the news. I wish now that I had told them to transfer the 2 cell embryo as well, what would it have hurt? I don't believe that the pretty embryos are always the ones that stick. In fact, I have lots of evidence to the contrary. My twins started out as lumpy, poor grade embryos of only 4 and 6 cells respectively, with lots of fragmentation to boot. On the other hand, I transferred 12 embryos that were picture perfect. You should have SEEN the 4 beauties I transferred in my first two cycles. They looked like embryos from a text book. And so did the ones I transferred today, with just a teensy tad of fragmentation from the thaw process holding them back from perfection. What a mystery this whole process is.
Anyway, chances are I don't have the fall back plan I was hoping for. This scares me, because in my mind I was already prepared for the next FET. If I don't get pregnant, and the embryos don't make it to the next stage, this may be the end of the road for me.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Honey Badger Don't Care
I've been reading around the blogosphere lately, infertility blogs for the most part. (no surprise) And something has come to my attention. Women who become pregnant after infertility are a guilt ridden, apologetic, lot. I admit, I have succumbed to this phenomena as well. I have a fair share of survivor's guilt, or maybe it's just common sense. I don't want to throw the fact that I have been successful in anybody's face who may be reading this blog. I understand that I have signed up with other women who are undergoing treatment at the same time as I am. I have rolled out the red welcome mat, so to speak, to people who are trying RIGHT NOW to conceive. Chances are they don't want to read about my problems in the parenting trenches.
On the other hand, I am reading the blogs of women who are trying to get pregnant, and some that have recently become pregnant, and I want to continue reading their blogs. I'm hooked. I want to read about ongoing treatments AND ongoing pregnancies. But...I don't want to keep reading the apologies.
When you have had your head in a toilet bowl for 12 hrs straight because you're pregnant with twins, there is no need to preface your post with "I know I shouldn't be complaining about pregnancy symptoms, and I am really, really, grateful just to BE pregnant, BUT....." . You don't have to apologize. We get it. And if there are readers who don't get it, they should.
Listen up infertility universe, I'm talking to YOU. It is hard for us to get pregnant. And here's the kicker, it can be just as hard to BE pregnant. And after THAT (you're not going to want to hear this...sorry) it can be just as hard to parent. Yup, that's right, all three can really, really, suck. And at all three stages, we should have EVERY RIGHT TO COMPLAIN!
Complaining doesn't make you ungrateful. Having a hard day doesn't make you unworthy. Having to wait doesn't make being pregnant or parenting easier for us. (wish it did, but nope).
So bring it on, ladies. I will be reading your blogs, whether I get pregnant this cycle or not. I dare you all to say "I'm glad to be finally pregnant, but DAMN some days it just sucks!"
No apologies necessary :) Honest.
On the other hand, I am reading the blogs of women who are trying to get pregnant, and some that have recently become pregnant, and I want to continue reading their blogs. I'm hooked. I want to read about ongoing treatments AND ongoing pregnancies. But...I don't want to keep reading the apologies.
When you have had your head in a toilet bowl for 12 hrs straight because you're pregnant with twins, there is no need to preface your post with "I know I shouldn't be complaining about pregnancy symptoms, and I am really, really, grateful just to BE pregnant, BUT....." . You don't have to apologize. We get it. And if there are readers who don't get it, they should.
Listen up infertility universe, I'm talking to YOU. It is hard for us to get pregnant. And here's the kicker, it can be just as hard to BE pregnant. And after THAT (you're not going to want to hear this...sorry) it can be just as hard to parent. Yup, that's right, all three can really, really, suck. And at all three stages, we should have EVERY RIGHT TO COMPLAIN!
Complaining doesn't make you ungrateful. Having a hard day doesn't make you unworthy. Having to wait doesn't make being pregnant or parenting easier for us. (wish it did, but nope).
So bring it on, ladies. I will be reading your blogs, whether I get pregnant this cycle or not. I dare you all to say "I'm glad to be finally pregnant, but DAMN some days it just sucks!"
No apologies necessary :) Honest.
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