Today it has been a year since I found out I was pregnant with the bean. In another 4 weeks or so it will have been a year since I lost the bean. Happy times.
I'm no closer to trying again than I was 5 months ago. I feel like I was forced off of the IVF cycle train onto a platform in the middle of nowhere, and no train ever comes. I'm not sure what to do here. Should I jump off the platform and start walking? Wait for a train? Give up and decide that the platform is a great place to hang out indefinitely?
I'm so tired of being angry at my husband. I'm not all the time, but often enough, and rightfully so. He hasn't done anything about finding us a couples counselor or trying to bridge the gap between us. That's not to say that he hasn't been nice, or sweet, or that I haven't tried to do nice things for him and be sweet back. But sometimes I just get so angry. I am also tired of being sad. I don't want to be sad anymore...or hopeful...or to want another baby anymore. But I DO want, and I can't help it, and I can't make myself stop wishing or hoping that things will change.
I know how old my baby would have been. I feel its absence all the time. I missed the little costumed bundle on Halloween. I missed the baby in the backseat today when we visited the aquarium. I miss the crying in the night when I am lying in bed awake.
Kant says that the recipe for happiness is to have something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for. Well...I love my children desperately, but I have nothing much to do except laundry and yard work until I get my job back in the Spring...and as for something to hope for, I don't have much.
Thank You to all of the kind people who have dropped by here during my self enforced exile. Reading about pregnancies and babies is still very painful, but I still read your posts. I'm trying to crawl my way back, and I wish you all the best. I'm going to try to comment more and post more, even though I don't have anything to say.
