I believe in love and disaster
Sometimes the two are just the same
I'm beginning to see, what is left of  me will have to be free to survive
And I'll be sleeping by myself tonight
     
              Eddie Vedder


I am still here. I'm still reeling from the shock of last week. My boys have been on vacation since last Friday so I've been acting my normal self on the outside during the day and crying and avoiding my husband at night. Yesterday I went to Mickey D's for dinner and ate in my car in the parking lot so I wouldn't have to sit with other people. I'm tired and sad, and tired of being sad. I'm sure my husband thinks that I will 'just get over it' and that if he keeps pretending it didn't happen then all the bad feelings will just gooooo awaaaaaaay. I'm sure that he thinks that the fact that I'm still here being the good mommy and the good wifey instead of stabbing him with a dull steak knife is proof positive that he's 'done the right thing'.

He must have called my desire to have another child and actually trying to make that dream come true CRAZY about 10 times or more between Friday and Monday. That's right, I'm crazy because I want something he doesn't want. The fact that he actually agreed to all three cycles, not just verbally but with his signature, and that he had his blood tested AND provided the clinic with a sperm sample, all while thinking I was crazy doesn't seem to phase him at all. I'm not the one whose thoughts and actions seem to be at odds with one another. Now because of his craziness our embryos are held hostage by the clinic. I'm sure they will stay there forever. The soonest appointment we can make, thanks to his crazy work schedule will be May 22, and nothing I can say will make any difference. I don't know why he couldn't just let nature be the bad guy. I was all prepared for this cycle to fail just fine all on it's own.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I know what I'm NOT going to do. I'm never leaving my house or my kids without being forced, and I'm not giving my husband so much as the time of day until he makes this right.

Total effing disaster

Friday totally sucked. My husband decided to have a total freak out and change his mind before we were supposed to go in for the retrieval. We did end up going, but we were very late, and things did not go smoothly. The nurses found us a little office to sit and talk about what we wanted to do. We could either throw in the towel and do a cycle another time, or we could go through with the retrieval if my husband was willing, and put the embryos on ice for another time. They refused to do a transfer on Monday. After all the shit my husband put me through, he decided that he would go through with it. I'm not sure what the point was, since I'm sure those embryos will never see the light of day. We have used up our insurance, so we will have to pay for a thaw cycle out of pocket, and we have to go to the IVF counselor first...which I doubt I will get my husband to attend. And all I kept thinking was I'm supposed to be pregnant right now! What the hell would he do when the baby arrived in July? Disown it?

I would never have bought the medications if I didn't have his support. I wrote right here on this blog that I called him before I put in the order and confirmed that it was ok to move forward. Friday was not the time to back out. Now I can neither hope to become pregnant, or have the closure I so desperately wanted. Now I don't get to be finished...this cycle is indefinitely frozen at it's midpoint. I don't know if, or when, I'll know when to get rid of the crib upstairs. Now I am in limbo forever.

I had 16 eggs, 15 were mature, 8 fertilized. Not that it makes any difference.

Cycle day 9

It's go time! Trigger is tonight and retrieval is on Friday the 13th. I had lots of follicles that were over 17mm, I think around 15 total, with a an additional 9 or so measuring at 15. I have to stay up until 12:30 tonight to get the trigger shot, and then I have to get up at 6 tomorrow to drive into the city to have blood drawn. Monday is the transfer day, since they always transfer 3 day embryos at my clinic. The amount of embryos they will transfer depends strictly on quality. They have written down 2, 3, 4, or 5 embryos...assuming that we have embryos to transfer. I'm trying not to do any assuming. Past failure doesn't mean we won't have success. And of course...past success doesn't mean that this cycle won't crash and burn. I just keep saying to myself think positive think positive think positive.

I found myself looking at my giant chart and wondering what they will do with it. Will they burn it? Can I take it home? After Monday, will I ever be here again? And if I have embryos enough to freeze....what then? Will I have the strength to dispose of them and move on? Or will they continue to torture me? I must have stood in the waiting room at the lab staring at the chart on the wall that spells out all the odds for a good 5 minutes or more. 103 IVF cycles for women 41-42 last year. 29.9% walked away with a live baby, and of that percentage, 34.4% had multiples. I looked at the statistics and thought that somewhere in those numbers, between women who got pregnant and women who took home a baby, there was me...and by the looks of it a couple of other women like me...who got knocked up but didn't stay that way. Which number will I be this time? Nobody knows. You spin the wheel and you take your chances.

Thank you to everyone who has stuck by me. Good luck to all the women who are spinning the wheel with me. Good luck to us all.

Cycle day 7

It's cycle day 7, or at least that's what I was told. I've got follicles popping out all over. The intern giving me my scan today said that my ovaries were "over achievers". That's nice to know :) I have a conservative count of about 12-14 follicles measurable follicles, with several smaller ones in the running. My estrogen was high enough to dial down the Gonal a couple of notches. Next check is on Wednesday. I'm betting on a Friday or Saturday retrieval.

I have been plugging along. We've bought paint, curtains, and hold backs. We've all gotten sick, and gotten better again. We've dyed Easter eggs, started seeds indoors, and spent countless hours enjoying the flowers and the sunshine. I've also spent many hours researching about IEPs and disability law, while reading with NB from the school book I purchased from Amazon and trying to bring him up to speed. But most of my time is just spent waiting. I'm waiting for the school to set a date for NB's PPT. I'm waiting for the painting of the trim to be done and for wallpaper to arrive. I'm waiting for warmer spring weather. And most of all, I'm waiting for retrieval and transfer, the 2ww, and the results.

I wish I had a back up plan for the worst case scenario. It would be great to be able to plan a tropical vacation or something of that sort. A class on something fun and totally unnecessary would be cool...like basket weaving or print making. Maybe even a new pet is a possibility. Out of all the animals my husband and I have adopted over the years only one cat remains. It would be nice to have something small and fluffy to love, to help fill the hole in my heart. I'm so afraid of facing the earthquake and the tsunami with only my children to keep me anchored. I'm so afraid of drowning under a wave of grief and the drudgery of the every day grind. I want my children to be safe from the after shock, and for my husband to be there with a life boat.

Socks! And other small and monumental things

Lindsay at Tiny Bits of Hope has sent me the most delicious socks through the sock exchange. (thanks to Cristy at Searching for our silver lining!). They are warm and cozy, perfect for the chilly damp of a New England spring. And they have polka dots...which I love. I wore them today (as you can see) because I couldn't wait, but I will be wearing them this Saturday when I have my next ultrasound, guaranteed.

Now I have to get some socks for my sock buddy. I'm working on it, I promise.

Yesterday I FINALLY got in for my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. Everything looked great, and I was all on track to start stims. Then I waltzed out the door without having my blood drawn. ARG! I can't believe I did that. So I had to go to the local lab bright and early today instead. Hopefully I will be able to start stims today. Geez Louise it's taking me forever to get started this cycle. Can you tell that subconsciously I'm dragging my feet? Because I think I am. Because if this cycle doesn't start...then it can't come to a painful end. I have become just a tad bit fatalistic about the whole thing. The way I see it, there are countless ways that this cycle can end badly, and only one way for it to end well.

When I started this last round of ttc, I was naively ignorant of the consequences. I wanted another baby, we had health insurance....I figured I was 'playing with house money'. This baby would be a total bonus, the icing on an already rich and wonderful cake. I thought I had nothing to lose. What did I know? I lost a piece of my heart. I was overjoyed to have three more chances for a baby, and if I hadn't gotten pregnant and miscarried, I would still be excited this last cycle. But the miscarriage sucked all the hope and all of the excitement of trying right out of me. I am still trying to put the pieces of my heart back in place, and not doing the greatest job of it, I have to say.

Good thing my heart doesn't talk to my uterus and ovaries, and that being sad, scared, and heartbroken hasn't kept me from getting pregnant in the past. There are icebergs in the water, but I'm still moving ahead.