This too shall pass

I need to have some hope. I need something to look forward to. It is hard for me right now because I am a do-er person. I don't sit around and hope for things to happen. When I feel stuck (and boy do I feel stuck right now) I look around for something I can do about it. Which is how I got into this mess in the first place. Since there is nothing I can do about my current situation, I have decided to look back. There were so many times I have been down-in-the-ditch-low with seemingly no way out...and yet I'm here. I'm not in that ditch anymore. I may be in an equally nasty ditch of my own making, but if I made it out then, I can make it out now.

January of 2003 was a nasty spot. We had been ttc for 3 years, and had been undergoing ART for one of them. 2002 had been a whirlwind of doctors, tests, piles of medications...but only two actual cycles attempted. After the second cycle failed, a FET, my RE told us that he would not go forward and pursue any more treatments until I had my nasty fibroid removed. The only thing was that the fibroid was of a sort that had many tentacles reaching outward. There was a good chance that I would lose my uterus from blood loss. There was also a chance that it was cancerous because it was growing so fast. I wouldn't be able to go through the surgery until May, and then there would be months of recovery after that...if I had a uterus. I was already 33 years old. I didn't want to wait anymore. I didn't want to have surgery. I was a mess. But here I am now! I've still got my uterus, and it still works. I lost my job, I spent a whole summer pretty much an invalid, but it was worth it. I can say that now with my 20/20 hindsight.

January 2005 was equally depressing. After finally being allowed to do another round of ART, I was finally pregnant. But it was short lived, and I ended up using cytotec to end the pregnancy after 8 weeks because there was no heartbeat. I was terrified because I thought that the surgery had rendered my uterus totally inhospitable. We had some embryos frozen in storage, but I was afraid to try again. I began looking at our state's foster care website, and I began to have hope again...even if it wasn't the road to parenthood I'd been expecting. We had awesome insurance which paid for a limitless amount of cycles...and we had embryos in storage. We couldn't pursue adoption while leaving that chance up in the air, so in March we did a Hail Mary FET. It was both frightening and depressing, there wasn't much hope or happiness in it. But needless to say, it worked. By the end of 2005 our twins were born safe and healthy, and after 6 years I considered our TTC journey DONE. I was wrong, of course, but at least the hardest parts of the road were behind me.

There have been many other hard things than infertility to deal with along the way. Trying to buy a home comes to mind...it was really tough both times. Looking around at my house now I still can't believe it that we could afford this place. (I won't talk about all the frightening possible paranormal activity, or the mice, which are annoying but at least cute). And I haven't mentioned January of 2006, in which I was totally, utterly miserable from PPD with a dash of PTSD thrown in for seasoning.

I am here. I don't know what to do about my current state of unhappiness and helplessness, but this too will pass, and if it works out the way that I wish and hope for, how amazing will that be? Maybe next year I will be able to look back on this time and smile.

Hey, 2012, don't let the door hit you on the way out!

2012 was not the best year for me. It wasn't the worst, not by a long shot, but it wasn't great. I am glad to see it go!

The Christmas season was a lot of fun here. Aside from the moments of total melancholy on the 19th and the 21st, I was too busy preparing for Christmas, cleaning up after Christmas, preparing for in laws, cleaning up again,  having a New Year's party...then cleaning up again. I had offered to have Christmas dinner at our house this year, but I didn't expect my mom to take me up on it. I was very happy she did. Focusing on getting everything I needed done took my mind off of things until Christmas.


I spoiled my kids absolutely rotten. It was the first Christmas I have worked and had my own money to spend since the twins were born 7 years ago. I took absolute delight in choosing gifts I knew they would love. My sister and mother in law also spoiled them, buying all three of them big Christmas gifts for the first time ever. Christmas morning was a crazy delight...and then I had to find a home immediately for three kids worth of stocking stuff and a giant pile of wrapping paper.

By 10:30 I had the turkey on the spit and in front of the fire. (the pictures show a chicken, the turkey looked exactly the same when it was done, only twice as big). The contraption that you see there is called a 'tin kitchen' and it is an 18th century cooking device. It is the best way in the world to cook a turkey, and incredibly easy to boot. We had 14 adults and 4 children for dinner, including ourselves, and it was a bit of a trick making enough table space for everyone. We ended up pressing every table we own in the house into service, including our computer desk and the boys' desk from upstairs.The dinner went amazingly well, but I was exhausted and glad to have the last of our guests leave at almost midnight.

Now the holidays are finally over. I took the last of the decorations off of the tree today. I'm so sad to see it go. I wish I had big plans for 2013. But I am left with a weak resolution to not be so sad. 2012 had some great times. There was my daughter's birthday party and the first day of school.
Halloween and the boys 7th birthday. But the special times make me sad, too. I walked down the street on Halloween looking up at the stars and just wishing that I could stop time. If I could just hold my breathe, would they stay little, just a little bit longer? I'm not sad because I don't appreciate everything I have, but because I am infinitely greedy. I can't get enough. How many more years will my boys let me hold their hands as we trick or treat? How many years will they believe in Santa Claus? I don't know. And I am afraid that I will spend the rest of my life bitterly resenting my husband and never forgiving him for taking my last chance.