love conquers all

I have to say thank you all for your continuing support. Some of your thoughts and prayers must have been heard, because I have been getting more support...both from my husband and my mom, and I can't think of any other reason for the sudden turn around.

I spent the weekend avoiding my husband completely. On Sunday I spent a good amount of time putting Christmas stuff into the attic. The attic entrance is in the back bedroom, the would be nursery. I ended up sitting on the floor and thinking that maybe I could just live in that room instead. I would still be there for my kids, and my husband and I could still be civil with each other, but we wouldn't have to be together. Then I could hear NB calling for me. He cautiously pushed the door open and came to me. He wrapped his arms around me and started talking all about his day, and pulled me back out of my loneliness and grief like only my kids can.

That night I helped get the kids through their evening routine with my husband, without speaking much to him other than the most necessary communication. I threw in a load of laundry...I made an effort to include none of my husband's clothes since I was feeling petty and miserable. I heated up a meager meal and brought it upstairs to watch Downton Abby in our bedroom by myself. Needless to say, thinking about this being the rest of my life filled my heart with sadness, but I didn't think that I could forgive him his cruelty and his coldness towards me, to be honest. But leaving just isn't an option. I need my kids like breathing, and I love my home so much and have worked so hard for it. I decided that I had to go downstairs and talk to my husband about everything.

In spite of my husband's roaring tirade the other night, it seems he does in fact remember telling me that we had agreed to using all three cycles given to us by insurance. He agreed that he had in fact sat next to me and said that he was 'on board' with having a fourth child...although he said that in all fairness I was already pregnant so what else was he supposed to say? He told me that he had been too stunned to comfort me when I started crying because it was "unexpected", and that when I ran into the bedroom and curled up on the bed, he covered me with blankets and I pulled away...so he didn't know what else to do. (I don't remember him touching me or pulling away from him). He wanted to know if I wanted a divorce, if I still loved him. I told him I was sorry that I wanted to try again, and that I have my reasons for wanting a fourth child, and that I have lots of other plans still underway for my life. He said that he couldn't stand to see me hurting and not be able to do anything about it. I told him the best thing he could do was to let me try again, and this time stand behind me 100%. I told him that the hardest thing about this wasn't losing a baby alone, it was being pregnant and being alone. I didn't show him the positive pregnancy tests because I thought he wouldn't care, he didn't ask to see the ultrasound pictures. I told my husband that if he got a promotion for the most wonderful job, how would he feel if he couldn't call me right away to share his happiness? Or if someone he loved dearly died but he didn't include me because he thought I wouldn't give a shit? Then he told me that I was right, that he thinks we should use our last cycle, and that he was sorry.

I think my husband was shaken by this pregnancy loss. I think he didn't want to open his heart to the pain of ttc again, and when he agreed, it caused him pain. I think he placed the blame on me, and he is right. I don't know why I would torture myself either, except that I feel compelled too, and I can't completely explain why. It is much more than just wanting another baby, it is about how our family feels, and it feels like someone is missing. I just hope that my husband can find it in his heart to forgive me if we suffer another loss. He is a tender hearted and vulnerable person and I am so thankful that he has agreed to trust me one more time and follow me where my heart leads. I just hope his trust in me is well placed.

another terrible, horrible night

Last night while getting ready for bed I commented to my husband about how I was looking forward to getting another cycle underway because of how stuck I have been feeling lately, and he totally freaked the flying f@#k out! He started shouting at me about how he doesn't want this, that he agreed to try once (a lie...we went over this last time, he agreed to keep trying until it worked or the last two cycles were used up, whatever came first). He shouted at me that I'm ruining our family...that he is too old...that he doesn't want this. It came totally out of the blue for me, since I thought we had gone through all of this exact same shit the last time.

He hasn't supported me at all through this miscarriage. The only other person who knows about it is my mom, and only because I needed someone to watch the kids while my husband dropped me off for the D & C. (and no, he didn't stay with me). My mom's comment to me? "It's all for the best" and she hasn't mentioned it since. I didn't even get a hug. Thanks mom. I went upstairs to lie down after the procedure and cried my eyes out, and those were the last tears I've shed, until last night that is. I broke down into tears because I just can't stand the pain anymore, and I don't have anything to hold onto except my kids...which is exactly why I want another baby to begin with. Did my husband try to comfort me? Tell me that he has been hurting too? Offer suggestions to help? No. He told me that I was crying to emotionally manipulate him into agreeing to another cycle. THAT HE ALREADY AGREED TO DO.

I lost a baby. OUR baby. I wanted it so very, very much. I endured shots...that I gave myself, even the PLO, an egg retrieval, a transfer, the 2ww.... and the one thing that has kept me going is that I have one more shot.

I don't know what to do right now. I don't think I can love the person who stood there while I was at the lowest point in my life, watch me sob uncontrollably without comforting me, and blame me for manipulating him. In fact, I don't think I ever hated anyone as much as I hate him right now. I thought that I had reached my lowest point and that there was nowhere to go but up. I was wrong.

The toddler inside *updated*

My grief was a giant that sat on my chest and blocked out the light. Then it was a feisty honey badger that scratched and bit and fought, even as I was strangling it and refusing to give in. Then my grief began to settle in and fade into the background. I had stuff to do and a plan to make it happen. Everything was going to be okey diddly dokey.


But then last weekend came, and my grief grew into a full size toddler. I read blogs, and the toddler screamed "I don't wanna!!!". It said terrible things. "I don't care. I hate that person. I want I want I want. " It pounded its little fists against my heart and kicked into my gut. I did the good parent thing. First I tried to divert it. I went to Pin.terest...and everywhere I looked baby stuff seemed to sneak in, until the toddler was howling. I tried everything I could, but everywhere I went baby things smacked me in the face. The mail had a Babies R Us catalog...the bottom of the laundry closet I was trying to organize had maternity clothes and baby blankets...The top drawer of my dresser had the baby booties I had saved 'just in case' that somehow managed to find me while I was trying to match odd socks. On Saturday a trip to Targe.t brought the toddler out in full force. Babies everywhere...and it doesn't help that my daughter needs pull ups and baby shampoo, smack dab in baby central. The toddler howled and cried, it gnashed it's terrible teeth and roared its terrible roar. And there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. IT'S NOT FAAAAAAIR. I finally had to pack the toddler up and bring it home.

That night I sat numbly on the couch with a beer and played Angry Birds until the toddler finally gave in, it's eyes all glazed over as it sucked its thumb and thankfully passed out.

I'm so tired. I wish for the first time I had never done this. I wish I had never gotten pregnant at all. I wish I couldn't remember how happy I was when I saw those two lines. I wish packing up my daughter's baby stuff didn't hurt so much. I wish my period would show up so I can try again.

*Pablo finally decided to show up. Now I know why I have been feeling so particularly terrible the last couple of days. Yeah for CD1!

Advice

In honor of SOPA, and blackouts, and blah blah blah blahbbity blah blah, I'm writing an extremely brief bit of advice.

I have spent 12 years trying to conceive, on and off. And in that time I have learned a LOT. Boatloads of stuff. Great ways to give injections, what exactly those grades mean on your embryos, and what kind of stuff can help embryos implant. (not much). Out of the 8 transfers I've done, I've been pregnant after 5 of those transfers.

But the most important thing I've learned is: Live your life. Live it right now, as it is, not as it will be. If you don't want to spend your life bitter and angry, don't. If you want to go on vacation, do. Treat your pregnant friends as you would if they never got pregnant. Love your spouse as you would if you never have children. Make plans, and keep them. Enjoy your home and make it beautiful, eat well, enjoy a drink, eat sushi... And before you wrinkle up your nose at this advice and say "It is easy for her to say she has three kids." Well...I didn't. I spent 6 years trying before I brought home my boys. My husband was on the brink of giving up, that 4th round of IVF was going to be our last. I almost lost my uterus, and spent over a year benched from ttc. I was going to foster care sites looking at kids and finding out what fostering entailed. It was almost over for me, and I wasn't angry, I didn't get bitter.

Whatever life brings, it is too short to spend over a decade in pain. I spent over a decade doing round after round of IVF, having chemical pregnancies, surgery,and miscarriages...but I didn't spend a decade of my life unhappy. Go out there and enjoy the journey. Even the parts that suck. And drink your coffee if you want. Cutting caffeine doesn't do a thing except give you headaches and make you cranky. Honest.

Put your hands in the air like you just don't care!

I have been working on my list like crazy. I found a wallpaper that my husband and I like for the dining room and a color scheme to go with it. I have spent hours on the computer trying to find a chandelier that won't cost an arm and a leg and curtains for both the parlor and dining room. Tuesday I went to Target with my daughter and bought some baskets on clearance to organize our mounds of paper, and I spent a good portion of my time today sorting through paper and dumping mounds into the recycling bin. It is only January, and in spite of still being sad about the miscarriage for at least part of every day, I feel like I'm really making progress. More importantly, I'm really enjoying doing something that feels like it has forward momentum so I'm not just treading water in place.

While some days it feels like my grief is a giant boulder that I'm trying to roll up hill, there is one immovable object that has become more of a barrier...and that's my husband. I love my husband, I really do, but he is HUGE procrastinating stick in the mud.

I need him to cut a board and attach the hooks to reclaim our entrance way. And although he promised he would do it last weekend, he only got as far as hanging the calendar. (and caused me to take a spill, I might add, since he yelled for my help instead of putting the calendar down and walking to get me.) I bought the baskets to get the paper under control, but if he isn't willing to spend a minute looking at his mail every day and sort it, none of the system I'm trying to get in place will work. The dining room will never get done without his input (thankfully he likes the wallpaper, it was like pulling teeth trying to get his opinion on colors) and I need him to extend me a little more cash flow to make the purchases necessary.

All of this wouldn't be as bothersome to me if not for the underlying reason for my resentment. I really need to make progress on stuff so I don't get bogged down in despair, but my DH isn't with me. I know that the loss of this pregnancy doesn't hurt him the way it hurts me. He seems totally indifferent as far as I can tell, he may even be relieved. When we were going round and round in circles debating whether or not we were going to do IVF again, I won the argument because it mattered so much to me, and my husband couldn't counter with anything that mattered equally as much to him. He could have named anything...he wanted to go snorkeling in Aruba, he had a life long dream to quite his job and open up a restaurant, he wanted to spend the next couple of years trying to master all the positions in the Karma Sutra. But he had nothing, and as far as I can tell, he still doesn't. Well...if he doesn't have any New Year's resolutions of his own, he might as well help me with mine. And a little more compassion and sympathy wouldn't hurt either. Just saying.

Slam!

Boy, do I feel like an idiot today. Yesterday I was sweeping up pine needles and cleaning up after the Christmas tree, when my husband called for "Help!" from the kitchen. Being a good wifey, I got up from using the pan and brush and jogged, not shuffled, to the kitchen...and promptly went ass over tea kettle in the process. As I was turning to go through the doorway, I hit a pile of pine needles, and came crashing to the ground. I managed to wrench my back, land HARD on both my knees, and something from deep within my abdomen kind of went 'sproing'. The funny thing is that at the time all I could think of was "Good thing I'm not pregnant anymore, because that would have REALLY sucked!" Great thinking, stupid brain.

Needless to say, I spent the rest of the evening laid up with a heating pad and Advil, again. Today I'm functioning ok. A status report lists my back as still hurting, my right wrist throbs a bit, my knees are complaining, and deep within my abdomen, in the general uterine area, I ache...again.

Today, I lift my head to the heavens and say "Ok...I get it. " I have been officially given 'something to cry about'. No more wining posts from me. :)

Two weeks *updated*

It's been two weeks now since my D&C and the official end to my pregnancy that wasn't. I would be 11 weeks today. I wonder how long I will still know in my head exactly how many weeks I would have been? I wish it would stop because it doesn't do my heart any good.

Progress has been made. My husband and I agreed on a wallpaper choice for the dining room*, and it is almost completely in primer (thanks mom!). This weekend I hope to have a board up in our kitchen with the hand forged hooks for the kids coats. This Sunday I plan to meet with my sister for lunch, and then go to the giant antique store in hopes of finding something I can buy with my Christmas present money. Soon I'm planning to tackle the paper issue by buying...something to help organize. Maybe 3 different somethings, for different groupings of paper? I'm obviously still working on that one.

I am taking baby steps forward day by day. But I feel like there are two of me moving forward side by side. There is the happier, more positive me...and then there is the depressed me. I seem to feel the sadness around the corner, even as I'm having a good time or focusing on something I have to do. I don't know why I thought that making a conscious effort to move forward would actually make the sadness go away. At least the sad me isn't up front and center all the time. The hardest part is thinking of doing the last cycle of IVF. It frightens me so much that the cycle will be the end, my absolute last chance. I hope that I am able to do it soon and get it out of the way so I will know if I have to grieve completely and move on...or if I get to buy another hook for the wall.

*This is Rosalie in blue.

Wordless Wednesday

When the gods piss down the back of your neck, make a yurt.

I am sick to death of moping about feeling sad about this miscarriage. I am SO over it. I'm tired of the moment when I read a happy pregnancy post and my heart sinks...I want it gone. I'm sick to death of the emotions that broadside me out of nowhere. Most of the time now I'm fine. It's almost like the pregnancy never happened then WHAMO smack my daughter tells me that she wants a little sister to play with. I'm done. It's gone. Go away.

The only thing I can think of to put this whole sad mess behind me is to MOVE ON, already, so I'm moving on. I'm going to make myself a list of things I want to do this year and hopefully cheer myself the hell up a teensy bit. So....here goes nothing.

1. Use up my last cycle of IVF covered by insurance. What the hell, right? The only thing I have to pay is my $750 deductible with some minor things attached here and there. The worst that can happen is that I'll get a BFN...or a chemical pregnancy...or another miscarriage. But you know what they say, nothing ventured nothing gained.

2. Finish up at least a couple of rooms in the house. I have to paint the dining room at the very least, because it has already been started. I would also like to tackle the back bedroom. If I manage to get resolution #1 to work, it will be a necessity. If it doesn't, then I don't want it mocking me every time I go in there. I'll get rid of the crib, put the extra junk that's accumulated in the attic, and turn it into a nice guestroom or something. There are also a few furniture items I really need to purchase, like some sort of china hutch (we had a built in in our last house, and now our wedding china and stuff is in boxes with no safe place to put it).

3. Do some stuff for me that doesn't involve injecting myself with hormones or getting wanded with a dildo-cam. This can be anything, but I need to make time to do things that are just for me that make me happy. Work in the garden...paint a picture...spend more time with my sister just hanging out.

4. Spend more quality time with my husband.

5. Spend time thinking and working towards my future outside of the home. I need to figure out what I'm going to do with myself. I need some goals so I can get rid of this feeling that I'm just in free fall without a net. The kids are growing and soon I'll be out of a job. Somehow living in the moment and enjoying my kids has stretched into years. How did that happen?

6. Focus on little things in the here and now that give me pleasure and move me forward. Reading a good book, enjoying a glass of wine and a favorite TV show with my husband, snuggly pajamas, knitting baby hats for friends, looking at garden catalogs and drooling over the plants I want, playing with my kids...bathing them...snuggling with them while I read them books...hugs and kisses..and all the wonderful things they bring to my life every day.

7. Organize, organize, organize. I need a system to deal with all of the paper. I'm being buried alive! I also need a more organized way to deal with all of the laundry, right now I just end up with baskets of clean clothes all over our bedroom. And the entry way...Gah! I need hooks, and mats, and places for hats and mittens. It's a total disaster! And the toys. OMG the toys. I have toys that belonged to the boys when they were babies. I am great at getting rid of baby gear, and outgrown clothes, but the toys? For some reason I still have them all. (well, I know the reason, because every time I am about ready to get rid of something, AK decides that she must have it. She's a worse hoarder than her dad, and that's saying something.)

That's it so far. The trying-to-get-over-my-miscarriage-winter-post-holidays-blahs list. I hope it cuts the mustard.