love conquers all

I have to say thank you all for your continuing support. Some of your thoughts and prayers must have been heard, because I have been getting more support...both from my husband and my mom, and I can't think of any other reason for the sudden turn around.

I spent the weekend avoiding my husband completely. On Sunday I spent a good amount of time putting Christmas stuff into the attic. The attic entrance is in the back bedroom, the would be nursery. I ended up sitting on the floor and thinking that maybe I could just live in that room instead. I would still be there for my kids, and my husband and I could still be civil with each other, but we wouldn't have to be together. Then I could hear NB calling for me. He cautiously pushed the door open and came to me. He wrapped his arms around me and started talking all about his day, and pulled me back out of my loneliness and grief like only my kids can.

That night I helped get the kids through their evening routine with my husband, without speaking much to him other than the most necessary communication. I threw in a load of laundry...I made an effort to include none of my husband's clothes since I was feeling petty and miserable. I heated up a meager meal and brought it upstairs to watch Downton Abby in our bedroom by myself. Needless to say, thinking about this being the rest of my life filled my heart with sadness, but I didn't think that I could forgive him his cruelty and his coldness towards me, to be honest. But leaving just isn't an option. I need my kids like breathing, and I love my home so much and have worked so hard for it. I decided that I had to go downstairs and talk to my husband about everything.

In spite of my husband's roaring tirade the other night, it seems he does in fact remember telling me that we had agreed to using all three cycles given to us by insurance. He agreed that he had in fact sat next to me and said that he was 'on board' with having a fourth child...although he said that in all fairness I was already pregnant so what else was he supposed to say? He told me that he had been too stunned to comfort me when I started crying because it was "unexpected", and that when I ran into the bedroom and curled up on the bed, he covered me with blankets and I pulled away...so he didn't know what else to do. (I don't remember him touching me or pulling away from him). He wanted to know if I wanted a divorce, if I still loved him. I told him I was sorry that I wanted to try again, and that I have my reasons for wanting a fourth child, and that I have lots of other plans still underway for my life. He said that he couldn't stand to see me hurting and not be able to do anything about it. I told him the best thing he could do was to let me try again, and this time stand behind me 100%. I told him that the hardest thing about this wasn't losing a baby alone, it was being pregnant and being alone. I didn't show him the positive pregnancy tests because I thought he wouldn't care, he didn't ask to see the ultrasound pictures. I told my husband that if he got a promotion for the most wonderful job, how would he feel if he couldn't call me right away to share his happiness? Or if someone he loved dearly died but he didn't include me because he thought I wouldn't give a shit? Then he told me that I was right, that he thinks we should use our last cycle, and that he was sorry.

I think my husband was shaken by this pregnancy loss. I think he didn't want to open his heart to the pain of ttc again, and when he agreed, it caused him pain. I think he placed the blame on me, and he is right. I don't know why I would torture myself either, except that I feel compelled too, and I can't completely explain why. It is much more than just wanting another baby, it is about how our family feels, and it feels like someone is missing. I just hope that my husband can find it in his heart to forgive me if we suffer another loss. He is a tender hearted and vulnerable person and I am so thankful that he has agreed to trust me one more time and follow me where my heart leads. I just hope his trust in me is well placed.