Put your hands in the air like you just don't care!

I have been working on my list like crazy. I found a wallpaper that my husband and I like for the dining room and a color scheme to go with it. I have spent hours on the computer trying to find a chandelier that won't cost an arm and a leg and curtains for both the parlor and dining room. Tuesday I went to Target with my daughter and bought some baskets on clearance to organize our mounds of paper, and I spent a good portion of my time today sorting through paper and dumping mounds into the recycling bin. It is only January, and in spite of still being sad about the miscarriage for at least part of every day, I feel like I'm really making progress. More importantly, I'm really enjoying doing something that feels like it has forward momentum so I'm not just treading water in place.

While some days it feels like my grief is a giant boulder that I'm trying to roll up hill, there is one immovable object that has become more of a barrier...and that's my husband. I love my husband, I really do, but he is HUGE procrastinating stick in the mud.

I need him to cut a board and attach the hooks to reclaim our entrance way. And although he promised he would do it last weekend, he only got as far as hanging the calendar. (and caused me to take a spill, I might add, since he yelled for my help instead of putting the calendar down and walking to get me.) I bought the baskets to get the paper under control, but if he isn't willing to spend a minute looking at his mail every day and sort it, none of the system I'm trying to get in place will work. The dining room will never get done without his input (thankfully he likes the wallpaper, it was like pulling teeth trying to get his opinion on colors) and I need him to extend me a little more cash flow to make the purchases necessary.

All of this wouldn't be as bothersome to me if not for the underlying reason for my resentment. I really need to make progress on stuff so I don't get bogged down in despair, but my DH isn't with me. I know that the loss of this pregnancy doesn't hurt him the way it hurts me. He seems totally indifferent as far as I can tell, he may even be relieved. When we were going round and round in circles debating whether or not we were going to do IVF again, I won the argument because it mattered so much to me, and my husband couldn't counter with anything that mattered equally as much to him. He could have named anything...he wanted to go snorkeling in Aruba, he had a life long dream to quite his job and open up a restaurant, he wanted to spend the next couple of years trying to master all the positions in the Karma Sutra. But he had nothing, and as far as I can tell, he still doesn't. Well...if he doesn't have any New Year's resolutions of his own, he might as well help me with mine. And a little more compassion and sympathy wouldn't hurt either. Just saying.