Hey everyone in blog land. Just reporting that the D & C went well as can be expected. I really overdid it between Saturday and Christmas, and spent most of the day after Christmas pounding the ibuprofen and feeling sorry for myself.
I have spent a huge amount of time squeezing my kids until they push me away and being terribly over indulgent. Some of it because I'm just so thankful for their presence, but mostly because I'm tired and numb and don't see the reason why my kids need to be dressed before noon. I am trying to enjoy the things about this holiday season I like the most, but sometimes thinking about my favorite things just isn't enough, and this is one of those times.
2011 sucked ass. Our beautiful cat, our first pet that we took in as a kitten before we were married, died in September at the age of 15 years. My husband and I had terrible fights going round and round because of my desire to have another child. My wonderful husband gave in, and even came to be excited about the prospect of having another baby, only to have it come smack him in the face when we had the miscarriage. We had battles with our home owners insurance and had to tear down the garage...which is still lying mostly in a heap. And we got to see our lovely boy NB who LOVED school sooo much get further and further dragged down until the homework he used to beg for started driving him to tears. And I STILL have no idea for a color scheme for my dining room.
I wanted so much to have a baby to look forward to. Now I just have battles with the school and the drudgery of routine. There will be thousands of little joys and happy moments along the way, but they won't be the life changing ones I was hoping for. I am just so tired most of the time, and oh so very sad. I know that there will be happiness in the ordinary things, I just can't find it now.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Thank You, again
Thank you everyone for your kind words. In my virtual house, everything is clean and my fridge is stocked with delicious, mild food to eat. My kids all want their new friends to come back and play. It is a hard time, but your long distance support really helps. Even if it is only the virtual kind :)
In real life my husband had to go to work today. Of course, this had to go down during my husband's busiest time. I'm debating asking my mom to help me when the boys come off of the bus this afternoon. She is so busy right now, though, and I am not up to explaining everything about this pregnancy and my choice to get pregnant now that it is over.
I went in for my first OB appointment yesterday. I was sooo hoping that there wouldn't be anything to see. Unfortunately, the bean was still there, giving us all the finger. They scheduled me for a D & C on Friday morning. Joy joy joy. I can't believe there can still be something in there after the two days I've had!
I know it may be hard to believe, but I am over the moon about the new BFPs and heartbeats out there this week. After Christmas I'm going to start making baby hats and sending them out. My email address is Chickenpig2 at yaho.o dot com. Send me your mailing addresses for a hat at anytime.
In real life my husband had to go to work today. Of course, this had to go down during my husband's busiest time. I'm debating asking my mom to help me when the boys come off of the bus this afternoon. She is so busy right now, though, and I am not up to explaining everything about this pregnancy and my choice to get pregnant now that it is over.
I went in for my first OB appointment yesterday. I was sooo hoping that there wouldn't be anything to see. Unfortunately, the bean was still there, giving us all the finger. They scheduled me for a D & C on Friday morning. Joy joy joy. I can't believe there can still be something in there after the two days I've had!
I know it may be hard to believe, but I am over the moon about the new BFPs and heartbeats out there this week. After Christmas I'm going to start making baby hats and sending them out. My email address is Chickenpig2 at yaho.o dot com. Send me your mailing addresses for a hat at anytime.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
not okay
It seems like every hour I forget that I'm not pregnant anymore, and then something reminds me that I'm not and my world crashes in again. I'm so tired I wish I could have a cup of coffee...oh right..I can. That would be a lovely name if we have a girl...but we aren't having anything now. That yellow would be perfect for a nursery...oh damn it all to hell. How can my body be in such agony but my head and heart just refuse to get the message?
It doesn't help that my sense of smell is still hitting me full force. I opened up a magazine from its protective plastic yesterday and the inky-plastic smell nearly made me vomit. I can't stand to be in the kitchen, everything stinks to high heaven. I don't want to eat anything. After I've finally got something in front of me that I want, I eat two bites and feel nauseous. All of them wonderfully appropriate pregnancy symptoms...if you're PREGNANT. *sigh* If this fetus had to pack up and leave, couldn't it take all of its baggage with it??
I'm so tired and crampy. Everything hurts. Nothing like a miscarriage to remind me that my abdomen is a giant web of scar tissue attaching everything to everything else. One of these days my doctor is going to tell me to kick my uterus to the curb. Maybe today.
I just want to curl up in bed with a heating pad and a giant bottle of Adv.il.
I wish it was 100 years ago. I wish my doctor made house calls. I wouldn't have to take a shower and get dressed to sit in his waiting room for an hour in a room full of happily pregnant women. I wish I had a nanny. Someone who would get the boys ready for school and get them off of the bus. Someone who would play with my daughter so I wouldn't have her begging for me on the other side of the bathroom door while I'm bleeding and quietly crying my eyes out. I wish I had a maid or two who would clean me up and bring me what I need, a cook to make the meals, and a housekeeper who would tell me not to worry about a thing and who would efficiently take care of the household. I wish it wasn't Christmas time. I wish this was all behind me. But most of all I wish that I could see the bean's beating heart today and that this was all just a horribly bad dream. I wish.
It doesn't help that my sense of smell is still hitting me full force. I opened up a magazine from its protective plastic yesterday and the inky-plastic smell nearly made me vomit. I can't stand to be in the kitchen, everything stinks to high heaven. I don't want to eat anything. After I've finally got something in front of me that I want, I eat two bites and feel nauseous. All of them wonderfully appropriate pregnancy symptoms...if you're PREGNANT. *sigh* If this fetus had to pack up and leave, couldn't it take all of its baggage with it??
I'm so tired and crampy. Everything hurts. Nothing like a miscarriage to remind me that my abdomen is a giant web of scar tissue attaching everything to everything else. One of these days my doctor is going to tell me to kick my uterus to the curb. Maybe today.
I just want to curl up in bed with a heating pad and a giant bottle of Adv.il.
I wish it was 100 years ago. I wish my doctor made house calls. I wouldn't have to take a shower and get dressed to sit in his waiting room for an hour in a room full of happily pregnant women. I wish I had a nanny. Someone who would get the boys ready for school and get them off of the bus. Someone who would play with my daughter so I wouldn't have her begging for me on the other side of the bathroom door while I'm bleeding and quietly crying my eyes out. I wish I had a maid or two who would clean me up and bring me what I need, a cook to make the meals, and a housekeeper who would tell me not to worry about a thing and who would efficiently take care of the household. I wish it wasn't Christmas time. I wish this was all behind me. But most of all I wish that I could see the bean's beating heart today and that this was all just a horribly bad dream. I wish.
Monday, December 19, 2011
All over
The bean was only measuring around 7 weeks and change. No heartbeat. It was also shaped a little oddly, a very strange blob without a recognizable head or rump to measure. I'm having a stiff drink right now and waiting for the miscarriage to work itself out. I'm keeping my Wednesday appointment so they can check how things are progressing.
I haven't shed a tear. I feel oddly disconnected from the whole thing. I have three beautiful kids, and as much as I really, really want another baby it probably just isn't meant to be. My eggs are getting older, and with my husband's sperm being so crappy I'm sure it's just a recipe for disaster.
The hope and joy were so wonderful while they lasted, though. Good bye, my beautiful bean. You were wanted and loved more than you'll ever know.
I haven't shed a tear. I feel oddly disconnected from the whole thing. I have three beautiful kids, and as much as I really, really want another baby it probably just isn't meant to be. My eggs are getting older, and with my husband's sperm being so crappy I'm sure it's just a recipe for disaster.
The hope and joy were so wonderful while they lasted, though. Good bye, my beautiful bean. You were wanted and loved more than you'll ever know.
Not good *updated*
I woke up this morning to cramping and bleeding. The phone line for the OB office is busy and it took me an hour for me to get my husband on the phone. I'm hoping that this is just bleeding from the progesterone gel, but it doesn't look good. Please give any good thoughts that you can spare for the bean and me.
The bleeding has turned much lighter and brownish. I finally got a hold of the OB office and they won't be able to see me until 1 PM. WTH? I'm still cramping like crazy, and although there wasn't much blood to speak of when I went to the bathroom, there was some tissue looking stuff (small amount) at the bottom of the bowl that made the water all ominously red. This shouldn't be happening. I just keep telling myself that I've been through this scary stuff before and still been pregnant at the other end. I just wish I didn't have to wait all day to find out if there is still any hope for this one.
The bleeding has turned much lighter and brownish. I finally got a hold of the OB office and they won't be able to see me until 1 PM. WTH? I'm still cramping like crazy, and although there wasn't much blood to speak of when I went to the bathroom, there was some tissue looking stuff (small amount) at the bottom of the bowl that made the water all ominously red. This shouldn't be happening. I just keep telling myself that I've been through this scary stuff before and still been pregnant at the other end. I just wish I didn't have to wait all day to find out if there is still any hope for this one.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Living in two time zones
I'm 8 weeks and 4 days pregnant today. I had my first OB appointment yesterday, but it was just an intake visit. I got to pee in a cup and have my blood drawn, but I didn't get to see the bean :( I really came close to begging the nurse, or maybe slipping her a twenty or something. She tried to reassure me by saying that if I "felt pregnant" that I was doing ok. The problem is that I don't always feel that pregnant. Yeah, my boobs are kind of sore, but the nausea is mostly gone the last couple of days. I was tired yesterday, but I had plenty of energy on Sunday and Monday. I know that there isn't anything I can do but wait, but it is taking sooooo long. How can I still be at only 8 weeks? I feel like I have been nervously marking time in the first trimester for 17 weeks already!
On the other hand, Christmas is rapidly approaching. We just got the tree up on Sunday. It is already Wednesday, and I'm still not finished decorating the thing. We have NO gifts purchased, except for the stocking stuff I've been buying here and there. Every other day there is something else that I have to do things for, Friday it was the Historical Society potluck, next week there are two school parties. And so on and so on. I want the 21st to come sooo badly because I will get to see the bean again. But on the other hand, I need this time to get stuff done. I want to be happy that I'm pregnant, not scared stiff. I want to be excited about Christmas, not tired and stressed. I think I will have to focus on Christmas and try to enjoy doing some of the things I love the best, shop like crazy this weekend, and hope that some of my pregnancy symptoms come back in force to reassure me. The 21st is coming and Christmas is coming no matter what, so I'd better make the most of it.
On the other hand, Christmas is rapidly approaching. We just got the tree up on Sunday. It is already Wednesday, and I'm still not finished decorating the thing. We have NO gifts purchased, except for the stocking stuff I've been buying here and there. Every other day there is something else that I have to do things for, Friday it was the Historical Society potluck, next week there are two school parties. And so on and so on. I want the 21st to come sooo badly because I will get to see the bean again. But on the other hand, I need this time to get stuff done. I want to be happy that I'm pregnant, not scared stiff. I want to be excited about Christmas, not tired and stressed. I think I will have to focus on Christmas and try to enjoy doing some of the things I love the best, shop like crazy this weekend, and hope that some of my pregnancy symptoms come back in force to reassure me. The 21st is coming and Christmas is coming no matter what, so I'd better make the most of it.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
7w3days, awards and stuff
Today I am 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I had my follow up ultrasound today and all is well with the little bean. I had a scary moment lying on the table when my doc and his intern were studying the screen intently and looking puzzled and I was sure that there was no longer a fetus in there. Then they had to reassure me that there was indeed a fetus in there with a heartbeat pumping away and turn the screen to face me. I could see the bright spot flashing steadily, with a blob around it, but it was terribly fuzzy. (hence their puzzled expressions). They gave up trying to measure the little bugger after several minutes to get the heart rate (a respectable 152 bpm), and then had to go back to try and measure again. Eventually they got a decent measurement of 7w3d, right on target, but the pictures they gave me are so terrible that they are hardly worth having. Seeing the heartbeat again was wonderful, though, and well worth the painful prodding.
I have also been given an award. I would like to thank Pink Lip Gloss and Prenatals and Greetings from Nowhere, NM for this award:
I am a little fuzzy with the rules, but I think I have to state 7 things about myself and then give the award to 15(?!) bloggers and tell them that I've given them the award. Well...here goes nothing :)
1. I am a 14th generation American and I can trace at least one ancestor back the 11th century in England.
2. My husband and I met when we were both working at the Stap.les distribution center. (They pack up the orders that come in from the 1-800 number and ship them out overnight). He was working a Summer job and I was saving up for Graduate school.
3. My house was burned down by a drug addicted arsonist when I was 10 years old.
4. I play the flute. I was a marching band geek from when I was in 7th grade until I graduated from High School. Our marching band had a ton of respect though. We won both national and international awards.
5. I had a giant fibroid that was roughly the size of a grapefruit. I had to have it surgically removed and it benched me from ttc efforts for over a year. It was named 'Nessie, creature of the black lagoon'.
6. My favorite job was working at a living history museum. I cooked over an open fire, set type and worked a hand powered press, gave garden tours, and showed thousands of people where the restrooms were.
7. It took my husband and I 6 years of trying to conceive before we took home our twins. After that it took 4 more rounds of IVF to bring home my daughter and to get pregnant with this bean. I have officially been with my RE longer than I have been with any other doctor except my pediatrician as a child. He actually had a tear in his eye when I left his office today.
Now for the blogs. I nominate....
Everybody in my reader! I want to be more specific but I have to stop writing this RIGHT NOW so I don't have time to work out the hyper linky love. I'll get the hang of this, I promise.
I have also been given an award. I would like to thank Pink Lip Gloss and Prenatals and Greetings from Nowhere, NM for this award:
I am a little fuzzy with the rules, but I think I have to state 7 things about myself and then give the award to 15(?!) bloggers and tell them that I've given them the award. Well...here goes nothing :)
1. I am a 14th generation American and I can trace at least one ancestor back the 11th century in England.
2. My husband and I met when we were both working at the Stap.les distribution center. (They pack up the orders that come in from the 1-800 number and ship them out overnight). He was working a Summer job and I was saving up for Graduate school.
3. My house was burned down by a drug addicted arsonist when I was 10 years old.
4. I play the flute. I was a marching band geek from when I was in 7th grade until I graduated from High School. Our marching band had a ton of respect though. We won both national and international awards.
5. I had a giant fibroid that was roughly the size of a grapefruit. I had to have it surgically removed and it benched me from ttc efforts for over a year. It was named 'Nessie, creature of the black lagoon'.
6. My favorite job was working at a living history museum. I cooked over an open fire, set type and worked a hand powered press, gave garden tours, and showed thousands of people where the restrooms were.
7. It took my husband and I 6 years of trying to conceive before we took home our twins. After that it took 4 more rounds of IVF to bring home my daughter and to get pregnant with this bean. I have officially been with my RE longer than I have been with any other doctor except my pediatrician as a child. He actually had a tear in his eye when I left his office today.
Now for the blogs. I nominate....
Everybody in my reader! I want to be more specific but I have to stop writing this RIGHT NOW so I don't have time to work out the hyper linky love. I'll get the hang of this, I promise.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Great Day :)
Today my twins turned six years old, and I saw the heartbeat of our little bean! Caboose baby is measuring at exactly 6 weeks four days with a strong heartbeat. I got two VERY bad pictures, but I have an appointment for a follow up appointment next week so I'm hoping I'll get a better picture then. I've been told to make an appointment with my OB, but to make it after my follow up visit. That is a nicer transition than they used to do where if you saw a heartbeat they just sent you in to the wilderness. I also walked away with a prescription for gel to squirt up my lady bits in exchange for the needles. It couldn't come at a better time because I'm running out of places on my butt that aren't lumpy, bumpy, and sore.
We took the kids out to a chain restaurant for dinner, mostly because DA has been begging us to go. We had a wonderful time. The kids enjoyed their food, especially the ice cream Sunday with the candles at the end. :) The boys looooved their presents. The hard part was getting them to go to bed when we came home after only playing with them for about a half an hour. (NB got Thomas coloring books, stickers, and both a new big box of crayons and markers, DB got an Imaginext space thing). I barely ate anything. It was so hot in the restaurant I thought I would die. I took some time cooling off outside when I went to get the gifts out of the van.
Sunday is the boys' big family birthday party. Looking around the house this evening I realize just how much I have to clean before I have my family here. Eeew that carpet is nasty! I haven't been doing any heavy cleaning like vacuuming all the carpets and scrubbing floors. It's been mostly picking up toys and clutter and doing laundry around here, along with a light cleaning of the bathrooms since the embryo transfer. It seems like a layer of grime and grunge has settled on everything...including the children. (it was bath night tonight, but we left early and got back too late). Now that I've seen a heartbeat I'm feeling more confident, but my husband is still going to have to help pick up the slack.
I can't believe my twins are six. I can't believe I'm actually pregnant again. Pretty soon reality is going to start sinking in...any minute now. I'm really a mom...and I'm going to be doing the baby thing again. Somebody pinch me :)
We took the kids out to a chain restaurant for dinner, mostly because DA has been begging us to go. We had a wonderful time. The kids enjoyed their food, especially the ice cream Sunday with the candles at the end. :) The boys looooved their presents. The hard part was getting them to go to bed when we came home after only playing with them for about a half an hour. (NB got Thomas coloring books, stickers, and both a new big box of crayons and markers, DB got an Imaginext space thing). I barely ate anything. It was so hot in the restaurant I thought I would die. I took some time cooling off outside when I went to get the gifts out of the van.
Sunday is the boys' big family birthday party. Looking around the house this evening I realize just how much I have to clean before I have my family here. Eeew that carpet is nasty! I haven't been doing any heavy cleaning like vacuuming all the carpets and scrubbing floors. It's been mostly picking up toys and clutter and doing laundry around here, along with a light cleaning of the bathrooms since the embryo transfer. It seems like a layer of grime and grunge has settled on everything...including the children. (it was bath night tonight, but we left early and got back too late). Now that I've seen a heartbeat I'm feeling more confident, but my husband is still going to have to help pick up the slack.
I can't believe my twins are six. I can't believe I'm actually pregnant again. Pretty soon reality is going to start sinking in...any minute now. I'm really a mom...and I'm going to be doing the baby thing again. Somebody pinch me :)
Monday, November 28, 2011
Thank You!
Two great bloggers have given me the Liebster award. :) Thank you to both Rebecca at Pink lipgloss and prenatals and NewYearMum!
I am terribly ignorant about blogging, I just type and publish. So it's going to take me some work and time to figure out how to publish the award, and to list the blogs I want to award in return. I just want you guys to know that I really appreciate the award, and I appreciate you :) Tutorials are GREATLY appreciated, btw...just be easy on me because I'm old and slow ;)
Tomorrow is a big day. The boys turn 6, and I am going in for my first ultrasound. Tuesday I had bloodwork and the nurse informed me that all was well, and that they would see me for my ultrasound and "Then off to the OB." What chipper confidence! It is taking some doing, but I am determined to feel positive about this pregnancy until I'm given a reason NOT to.
Today I am 6 weeks 3 days pregnant. (isn't it nice doing IVF? we are able to know how old our embryos are practically to the hour.) I feel like crap most days. I may be shaky and nauseous in the morning, but perfectly fine in the afternoon...or I'm fine until it suddenly hits me that I haven't eaten within the last few hours and I immediately feel like crap. I do better when I eat and drink regularly in small intervals, but nothing sounds appetizing. Believe me when I tell you that I am not complaining about these symptoms. It is a bit of a catch 22. I am trying very hard to eat, drink, and rest regularly to keep the shaky/nauseous feelings away, but when it works and I feel good panic creeps in. It is so complicated being pregnant in a post infertility world.
On a lighter note... You may have noticed that I am making baby hats for one of my readers. I don't want to leave anyone out, but I also don't want to *jinx* anyone by offering hats early on in a pregnancy. Soooo..... if and when any of you reach a point in your pregnancy when you feel ready, drop me a comment and I'll put you on the hat list :)
*why yes, I am extremely superstitious.
I am terribly ignorant about blogging, I just type and publish. So it's going to take me some work and time to figure out how to publish the award, and to list the blogs I want to award in return. I just want you guys to know that I really appreciate the award, and I appreciate you :) Tutorials are GREATLY appreciated, btw...just be easy on me because I'm old and slow ;)
Tomorrow is a big day. The boys turn 6, and I am going in for my first ultrasound. Tuesday I had bloodwork and the nurse informed me that all was well, and that they would see me for my ultrasound and "Then off to the OB." What chipper confidence! It is taking some doing, but I am determined to feel positive about this pregnancy until I'm given a reason NOT to.
Today I am 6 weeks 3 days pregnant. (isn't it nice doing IVF? we are able to know how old our embryos are practically to the hour.) I feel like crap most days. I may be shaky and nauseous in the morning, but perfectly fine in the afternoon...or I'm fine until it suddenly hits me that I haven't eaten within the last few hours and I immediately feel like crap. I do better when I eat and drink regularly in small intervals, but nothing sounds appetizing. Believe me when I tell you that I am not complaining about these symptoms. It is a bit of a catch 22. I am trying very hard to eat, drink, and rest regularly to keep the shaky/nauseous feelings away, but when it works and I feel good panic creeps in. It is so complicated being pregnant in a post infertility world.
On a lighter note... You may have noticed that I am making baby hats for one of my readers. I don't want to leave anyone out, but I also don't want to *jinx* anyone by offering hats early on in a pregnancy. Soooo..... if and when any of you reach a point in your pregnancy when you feel ready, drop me a comment and I'll put you on the hat list :)
*why yes, I am extremely superstitious.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Thanksgiving
I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband. I have a beautiful home, that we were lucky enough to purchase in this terrible economy for a price that we could afford without straining our budgets. And of course, more than anything else, I am thankful for my children. I am thankful that they are here, in spite of all the odds that were against them being here. I'm thankful for their good health, even though we've had a couple of scares. I'm thankful that NB continues to learn and thrive and to show everyone how non disabling a disability can be. I'm thankful that I was given the chance to have one more child, and that for the time being, that the chance has proven successful.
With so much to be thankful for, you might find it hard to believe that there was a time when Thanksgiving sucked hard core. It was in fact one of the lowest points in my life to date, and has put every Thanksgiving since under its shadow, to the point where I wish I could fast forward through the damn holiday completely.
Yeah, it's got family. But it is the same exact family that I'll have over my house for the following Sunday to celebrate the twins' birthday. Sure, it's got food, but I've never liked turkey, and we've got Christmas coming up in a few weeks anyhow. And so far the holiday just baffles the kids. All this food and family...but it's not somebody's birthday? What, no balloons or cake?
Seven years ago on Halloween I found out I was pregnant for the first time ever. A few days before Thanksgiving we found out that the pregnancy was no longer viable, and in spite of the fact that my HCG levels kept stubbornly rising, it was a 'missed miscarriage'. By Thanksgiving day I was no longer pregnant, but my body didn't know it. The smell of the turkey cooking was unbelievably nauseating. I would have loved to knock back a few to numb the pain, but alcohol tasted like metal in my mouth and made me gag. On top of feeling pregnant when I wasn't any longer, I was bleeding, aching, and tired. All I wanted was to curl up with a heating pad and weep...for days and days. In retrospect, I wish I had. Who cares what my family would think about my absence? If I had, maybe Thanksgiving wouldn't be the doomed holiday it has felt like ever since...even in the midst of my good fortune.
Please let this new and fragile pregnancy continue so I can look at Thanksgiving as a time of joy, and not the beginning of the end. And please bless my fellow infertile travelers who are pregnant the same peace of mind.
With so much to be thankful for, you might find it hard to believe that there was a time when Thanksgiving sucked hard core. It was in fact one of the lowest points in my life to date, and has put every Thanksgiving since under its shadow, to the point where I wish I could fast forward through the damn holiday completely.
Yeah, it's got family. But it is the same exact family that I'll have over my house for the following Sunday to celebrate the twins' birthday. Sure, it's got food, but I've never liked turkey, and we've got Christmas coming up in a few weeks anyhow. And so far the holiday just baffles the kids. All this food and family...but it's not somebody's birthday? What, no balloons or cake?
Seven years ago on Halloween I found out I was pregnant for the first time ever. A few days before Thanksgiving we found out that the pregnancy was no longer viable, and in spite of the fact that my HCG levels kept stubbornly rising, it was a 'missed miscarriage'. By Thanksgiving day I was no longer pregnant, but my body didn't know it. The smell of the turkey cooking was unbelievably nauseating. I would have loved to knock back a few to numb the pain, but alcohol tasted like metal in my mouth and made me gag. On top of feeling pregnant when I wasn't any longer, I was bleeding, aching, and tired. All I wanted was to curl up with a heating pad and weep...for days and days. In retrospect, I wish I had. Who cares what my family would think about my absence? If I had, maybe Thanksgiving wouldn't be the doomed holiday it has felt like ever since...even in the midst of my good fortune.
Please let this new and fragile pregnancy continue so I can look at Thanksgiving as a time of joy, and not the beginning of the end. And please bless my fellow infertile travelers who are pregnant the same peace of mind.
Friday, November 18, 2011
5 weeks
I'm 5 weeks pregnant today. It feels really weird to say it...but it will probably be really weird to be 10 weeks pregnant...or 22 if I should get that far. I even FEEL pregnant, which is weirder still, because I don't think I've ever really felt pregnant at 5 weeks before. Usually 5 weeks is the calm before the storm, the first symptoms of pregnancy have settled down, and the second bout that happens after 6 weeks has yet to kick in. But the last couple of days I have started to get a serious aversion to food, steady nausea, and a crazy sense of smell. Not to mention 'the girls'. They are so sensitive that the slightest cold draft makes them ache, which in this house is just about all the time. I'm wearing a sweater in the house 24/7, even though it has been unseasonably warm here in the North East.
Normally this would make me feel good about things. Pregnancy is progressing as expected...check. But I live in 'opposite world' where good embryos, good numbers, and good symptoms don't necessarily mean good outcomes...but where ugly embryos, low and non doubling betas, and no symptoms do. The last time I started out with a first beta like this and a good, solid doubling I ended up with a miscarriage. I guess I just don't know what to expect when I'm expecting anymore. But I'm still smiling :)
Normally this would make me feel good about things. Pregnancy is progressing as expected...check. But I live in 'opposite world' where good embryos, good numbers, and good symptoms don't necessarily mean good outcomes...but where ugly embryos, low and non doubling betas, and no symptoms do. The last time I started out with a first beta like this and a good, solid doubling I ended up with a miscarriage. I guess I just don't know what to expect when I'm expecting anymore. But I'm still smiling :)
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Beta 2
Whew! My second beta came in at 289, a little bit higher than doubling. I can't believe it took them until 4:30 to call today! I was about ready to crawl out of my skin by the time the phone rang. Progesterone looks good, too, for once at 29.5. (it is usually too low and I have to supplement with suppositories on top of the shots).
My ultrasound has been scheduled for November 29th, the twins' 6 birthday. I also have another blood check in between, next Tuesday I think.
Thanks to everyone who has weighed in on the dining room. There seems to be a lot of grey votes :) Ironically, I was just checking out a video of a beautiful Federal mansion where they had painted the entire first floor a pretty dove grey with bright white trim on the woodwork. Now THAT place was unbelievable! I wouldn't want to heat it though *shudder*. I'm checking out that website, too, Chon, every little bit helps! And wallpaper isn't a bad idea either... Maybe one with yellow and grey?
My ultrasound has been scheduled for November 29th, the twins' 6 birthday. I also have another blood check in between, next Tuesday I think.
Thanks to everyone who has weighed in on the dining room. There seems to be a lot of grey votes :) Ironically, I was just checking out a video of a beautiful Federal mansion where they had painted the entire first floor a pretty dove grey with bright white trim on the woodwork. Now THAT place was unbelievable! I wouldn't want to heat it though *shudder*. I'm checking out that website, too, Chon, every little bit helps! And wallpaper isn't a bad idea either... Maybe one with yellow and grey?
Now with pictures
This is the dining room in all of its green glory. And a gratuitous shot of the kidlets in their Halloween costumes. Please disregard the crazy hallway mess, it is mostly furniture, curtains, and odds and ends from the parlor, and assorted junk which collects on tables that are being ignored.
There were supposed to be a couple more shots from the other direction but it seems that the camera battery went belly up.
I have been perusing Pinterest and getting a few ideas. I have got to be careful of that site, I could spend all day there! Anyway... feed back much appreciated. Even if it is only "My g-d those are some butt ugly '70s chairs you've got there!" (yes, they are, and wickedly uncomfortable to boot).
Sunday, November 13, 2011
call for help from the artistic designer types
I've got a dining room dilemma. I really, really wanted our dark cave of a dining room to be painted before the dark months of Winter, but I'm all out of ideas. My husband and I have three huge, beautiful wide boards that were being used as a work bench in our garage that we plan to re purpose as a dining table. Other than that, though, I'm stumped. If we are going to paint soon, and I really want to paint soon, I need color ideas and design ideas and I'm drawing a complete blank.
This room is pretty big and in the center-back of our house. It has only two windows that face East, but there are doors that are open to the parlor and front hallway that get good afternoon light. There is a chair rail around the entire room. The ceiling height is nice at around 11 feet, but the former owners painted the ceiling the same color as the walls, which is all a dark, greyish green.
The chandelier could also use to be replaced. It is older in style, but it has a modern finish, and feels heavy and clunky. I know they were going for intimate and cozy, not a bad idea for a dining room, but what we got is dark, depressing and cave like.
I was thinking blue at one point, and blue would still be nice, but I haven't been inspired by the blues I've seen. If anyone out there has any ideas, dining rooms they've seen, things they think would work, web sites to point me too...I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks in advance!
This room is pretty big and in the center-back of our house. It has only two windows that face East, but there are doors that are open to the parlor and front hallway that get good afternoon light. There is a chair rail around the entire room. The ceiling height is nice at around 11 feet, but the former owners painted the ceiling the same color as the walls, which is all a dark, greyish green.
The chandelier could also use to be replaced. It is older in style, but it has a modern finish, and feels heavy and clunky. I know they were going for intimate and cozy, not a bad idea for a dining room, but what we got is dark, depressing and cave like.
I was thinking blue at one point, and blue would still be nice, but I haven't been inspired by the blues I've seen. If anyone out there has any ideas, dining rooms they've seen, things they think would work, web sites to point me too...I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks in advance!
Friday, November 11, 2011
Beta day :)
First numbers look good. HCG came in at 69, which is a good 'singleton' number for me. Progesterone came in at a respectable 25. Whew! My only gripe is that my clinic no longer does a follow up beta until four days now because some insurance companies griped, so I won't know if this pregnancy is going in the right direction until Tuesday. But for now, I'm solidly pregnant, and feeling it! I'll take that! :)
I'm feeling pretty queasy in the stomach between meals and the smell sensitivity is starting to kick in. As familiar as it all is, I am every bit as happy this time around as I've ever been. I want to go out and celebrate with virgin cocktails! But I'll have to settle for celebrating by cleaning up the play room and cleaning a bathroom or two YIPPEEEE!!! At least I'll be doing it with a huge grin on my face :) Happy Day!!!
I'm feeling pretty queasy in the stomach between meals and the smell sensitivity is starting to kick in. As familiar as it all is, I am every bit as happy this time around as I've ever been. I want to go out and celebrate with virgin cocktails! But I'll have to settle for celebrating by cleaning up the play room and cleaning a bathroom or two YIPPEEEE!!! At least I'll be doing it with a huge grin on my face :) Happy Day!!!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Future perfect
Today, according to the IVF pregnancy calendar I used, I am almost 4 weeks pregnant. I find it amazing that two weeks ago while I was having my eggs removed from my body, I was already 2 weeks pregnant. It seems unbelievably optimistic to call the bunch of cells that only started to stick about a week ago 4 weeks old already. While they are fast forwarding, can't we fly straight though to 8 weeks? 11? I want to go past these weeks of uncertainty and vulnerability.
Yes, I looked at a due date calendar. I may have even perused gender neutral baby clothes on Amazo.n. It isn't naivete or optimism, but sanity survival mode. And hope, it is also a boat load of hope. And we all know what a two headed bitch hope can be.
For now, the future is bright. I'm pregnant with a zygote-future baby that is the size of a poppy seed. How can so much happiness hang on something the size of a poppy seed? I guess I'll just wait and see. I'll keep counting my symptoms and keeping track like they are clutch of baby chicks, and peeing on sticks to make sure that in fact, yes, I did see a second line and that it is in fact darker than yesterday. I'm just relieved that along with my giant portion of uncertainty I have been given a whopping side dish of happy.
Yes, I looked at a due date calendar. I may have even perused gender neutral baby clothes on Amazo.n. It isn't naivete or optimism, but sanity survival mode. And hope, it is also a boat load of hope. And we all know what a two headed bitch hope can be.
For now, the future is bright. I'm pregnant with a zygote-future baby that is the size of a poppy seed. How can so much happiness hang on something the size of a poppy seed? I guess I'll just wait and see. I'll keep counting my symptoms and keeping track like they are clutch of baby chicks, and peeing on sticks to make sure that in fact, yes, I did see a second line and that it is in fact darker than yesterday. I'm just relieved that along with my giant portion of uncertainty I have been given a whopping side dish of happy.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Two Lines!!!
I went and bought a two pack tests this morning. I figured I would test today, get a negative, and try again Friday morning before my beta. Buuuuuut......No, two lines instead!!! The second is a little fainter than the control line, but it is definitely there, even without squinting :) I'm pregnant, y'all!
I have never, ever had a positive on a stick before. I also almost hurled in the sink this morning, and that has never happened to me before 6 weeks. :) Hmmmm.....
I have never, ever had a positive on a stick before. I also almost hurled in the sink this morning, and that has never happened to me before 6 weeks. :) Hmmmm.....
Monday, November 7, 2011
To POAS, or not to POAS, that is the question
I wish that I had the courage to POAS right now. But I don't. I do have a lot of symptoms that seem to be saying 'pregnant', at least most of the time. While I know that I very well may be deluding myself, I don't have a problem with that. I'm all for living in the moment and believing that I'm pregnant. You can all call me a naive idiot later, I don't mind.
Buuuut on the other hand... Like everyone else, I would really just like to know NOW. I would love to not be stressing all day when that dreaded phone call comes in. If I could trust the results right now from taking a test I would do it. But here's the catch, my betas are always on the low side. When I was pregnant with my twins, my beta at 11dp3dt was 101. If I should be so lucky to be pregnant now, that would mean on Wed HCG would be about 50, and today 25. With my daughter, I had a whopping HCG of 40. That would mean maybe 20 on Wed and only 10 today. With my chemical pregnancy, that totally made me feel pregnant btw, my HCG was only 25.
The weird thing is, that every time I've been pregnant, whether it ended well or not, I have felt pregnant. I was so confident when I was pregnant with my daughter that when I answered the phone I said "I'm pregnant, right?". The thing is, no one but me thought I was going to stay that way. With a number that started out on the low side, and then only went up to 65, I was given about a 15% chance or less of that embryo turning into a baby. When the third beta came back, and it had struggled up to a respectable 117, my RE was so convinced it was an ectopic he had me come in for an early US. I was calm as a cucumber. I just knew that it was going to be ok. Which is strange in itself, because normally I'm totally pessimistic.
Right now, I feel like I'm floating on a bubble. One wrong move and it just...might...pop. I'm trying not to obsess about the symptoms, at the same time I'm trying not to be confident in what they might mean. What I wish is that just for once I could be confident enough to POAS and believe the results. But since I can't even get a couple of beta tests to make me confident in the results, that's not going to happen. *sigh*
Maybe if I'm still feeling pregnant on Wednesday?..... :)
Buuuut on the other hand... Like everyone else, I would really just like to know NOW. I would love to not be stressing all day when that dreaded phone call comes in. If I could trust the results right now from taking a test I would do it. But here's the catch, my betas are always on the low side. When I was pregnant with my twins, my beta at 11dp3dt was 101. If I should be so lucky to be pregnant now, that would mean on Wed HCG would be about 50, and today 25. With my daughter, I had a whopping HCG of 40. That would mean maybe 20 on Wed and only 10 today. With my chemical pregnancy, that totally made me feel pregnant btw, my HCG was only 25.
The weird thing is, that every time I've been pregnant, whether it ended well or not, I have felt pregnant. I was so confident when I was pregnant with my daughter that when I answered the phone I said "I'm pregnant, right?". The thing is, no one but me thought I was going to stay that way. With a number that started out on the low side, and then only went up to 65, I was given about a 15% chance or less of that embryo turning into a baby. When the third beta came back, and it had struggled up to a respectable 117, my RE was so convinced it was an ectopic he had me come in for an early US. I was calm as a cucumber. I just knew that it was going to be ok. Which is strange in itself, because normally I'm totally pessimistic.
Right now, I feel like I'm floating on a bubble. One wrong move and it just...might...pop. I'm trying not to obsess about the symptoms, at the same time I'm trying not to be confident in what they might mean. What I wish is that just for once I could be confident enough to POAS and believe the results. But since I can't even get a couple of beta tests to make me confident in the results, that's not going to happen. *sigh*
Maybe if I'm still feeling pregnant on Wednesday?..... :)
Friday, November 4, 2011
Day 7
One week down, one to go! Halfway through the dreaded 2ww and all is well. That is to say, I feel a plethora of symptoms, real, imagined, and progesterone induced. What it all adds up to remains to be seen until next week, but the fact that I'm still feeling anything (besides the typical sore boobs) is helping me to remain hopeful and positive. Here's the list for anyone whose playing along:
*typical progesterone symptoms that don't mean much.
P.S. Thank you to everyone that responded to my letter. You guys are great :)
- sore boobs, which are also very sensitive to cold and touch*
- constant twitches, pulls, and etc in my abdomen
- constant hunger*
- fatigue
- thirst
- more frequent urination
- feeling warmer than usual, sometimes uncomfortably so
- and as of yesterday, a little bit of nausea, and basically not feeling well, as if I'm coming down with something
*typical progesterone symptoms that don't mean much.
P.S. Thank you to everyone that responded to my letter. You guys are great :)
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
a letter
Dear embryos,
I know that you guys only consist of a few cells, but I am already in love. I am staring at your picture right now, and let me tell you, you are all gorgeous. None of you are "perfect", but what is perfection, anyway? I have already memorized how each of you look. I can see you when I close my eyes, just like I will memorize your faces if you should make it that far.
Please stay. I say this to all of you, even if the thought of having all three of you snuggling in for the long haul makes me a little scared. I can take it, I promise. My body is strong and healthy, if not as young as it once was. I promise I will eat healthy food, drink plenty of water, and take my vitamins. I know my life is a little hectic, but I do get plenty of rest, and I will take even more if you stick around.
Please stay. You have three brothers and sisters who will love to play with you. Yes, they'll be a bit older than you, but they are for the most part, kind and gentle. I will try and keep your sister from fussing with you too much. We have a big house, with plenty of room for you to make your own, and lots of places perfect for playing hide and seek. We have a big yard with a play scape, woods to explore (when you're older!) and even a safe parking lot perfect for bike riding.
Please stay. Your Dad and I have so much love to give. We don't have all the money in the world, but we have enough to give you a comfortable life. We love life, and we love kids, and we love to play. It would be my pleasure to ignore the dishes and just play on the floor with you. Your Dad and I love to spend time picking out the perfect pumpkin and then carving it, or making Christmas cookies. But we also love just doing the ordinary things. Your Dad is crazy in the grocery store! We're not perfect, nobody is, but we are loving, and we try...we really try, to be the best, most patient parents we can be.
I love you. I will love you. I would love to see what babies, what children, you could become.
Please stay
Your adoring mother
I know that you guys only consist of a few cells, but I am already in love. I am staring at your picture right now, and let me tell you, you are all gorgeous. None of you are "perfect", but what is perfection, anyway? I have already memorized how each of you look. I can see you when I close my eyes, just like I will memorize your faces if you should make it that far.
Please stay. I say this to all of you, even if the thought of having all three of you snuggling in for the long haul makes me a little scared. I can take it, I promise. My body is strong and healthy, if not as young as it once was. I promise I will eat healthy food, drink plenty of water, and take my vitamins. I know my life is a little hectic, but I do get plenty of rest, and I will take even more if you stick around.
Please stay. You have three brothers and sisters who will love to play with you. Yes, they'll be a bit older than you, but they are for the most part, kind and gentle. I will try and keep your sister from fussing with you too much. We have a big house, with plenty of room for you to make your own, and lots of places perfect for playing hide and seek. We have a big yard with a play scape, woods to explore (when you're older!) and even a safe parking lot perfect for bike riding.
Please stay. Your Dad and I have so much love to give. We don't have all the money in the world, but we have enough to give you a comfortable life. We love life, and we love kids, and we love to play. It would be my pleasure to ignore the dishes and just play on the floor with you. Your Dad and I love to spend time picking out the perfect pumpkin and then carving it, or making Christmas cookies. But we also love just doing the ordinary things. Your Dad is crazy in the grocery store! We're not perfect, nobody is, but we are loving, and we try...we really try, to be the best, most patient parents we can be.
I love you. I will love you. I would love to see what babies, what children, you could become.
Please stay
Your adoring mother
Monday, October 31, 2011
Running over the same old ground
On this day seven years ago I got my first positive beta ever. Today, I transferred 3 decent looking 3 day old embryos. On November 11 I go in for my pregnancy test. Four years ago on November 11, I transferred two embryos, one of which became my daughter. I seem to be running over the same dates and times while ttc, wearing a groove. I hope that this November 11 is another bright spot on my November timeline, along with the transfer of my daughter and the birth of my boys on the 29th.
The transfer went ok. It was done by a doctor in the practice whom I'm not familiar with very much, except for his picture on the brochures and stuff. His bedside manner left something to be desired, compared to my doctor who jokes with me and gives me great feedback about the embryos. He had a great touch though, and I didn't have the discomfort I had last time.
There was no problem with the snow and the power. On the way back home, though, we ran into a lot of crap. First off we wanted to grab a bite to eat because it was lunch time. There was an incredible line at the diner because people were looking for a place with power to eat, although it moved very quickly. Then we needed to get gas and ended up waiting in line for almost an hour to put enough gas in our tank to get home. Now I'm sitting in my recliner at home while my husband takes the kiddies out trick or treating :( They looked so amazing in their costumes, and they were soooo excited to be going out that they could barely stand still.
It feels good to be PUPO :) In spite of not being able to go out, I'm enjoying the quiet time in the house, and I am in a really good mood. I hope that I can carry it forward for the next 11 days.
The transfer went ok. It was done by a doctor in the practice whom I'm not familiar with very much, except for his picture on the brochures and stuff. His bedside manner left something to be desired, compared to my doctor who jokes with me and gives me great feedback about the embryos. He had a great touch though, and I didn't have the discomfort I had last time.
There was no problem with the snow and the power. On the way back home, though, we ran into a lot of crap. First off we wanted to grab a bite to eat because it was lunch time. There was an incredible line at the diner because people were looking for a place with power to eat, although it moved very quickly. Then we needed to get gas and ended up waiting in line for almost an hour to put enough gas in our tank to get home. Now I'm sitting in my recliner at home while my husband takes the kiddies out trick or treating :( They looked so amazing in their costumes, and they were soooo excited to be going out that they could barely stand still.
It feels good to be PUPO :) In spite of not being able to go out, I'm enjoying the quiet time in the house, and I am in a really good mood. I hope that I can carry it forward for the next 11 days.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
C'mon lucky seven!!!
Out of the 16 eggs retrieved, 11 were mature, and 7 fertilized. Those aren't bad numbers for me. I usually have a lot less mature eggs, probably because I have always ended up coasting for the last few days until retrieval to prevent hyper stimulation.
Transfer day is Monday at 10:30. I hope that at least 3 of the 7 embryos are good enough to transfer. I would love to have enough to freeze one or two for a final FET if needed, but I'm not counting on it. The problem with our severe male factor is that even the good looking sperm often don't have great DNA, we never know what lies in wait for us.
In other news, we have our first winter storm! Storm Alfred has been dumping heavy, wet snow on us all day and is supposed to continue until dawn. We will probably have a foot of snow by the time it winds down. Much of the state of Ct already is experiencing power outages. We still have power...for now. (dum dum dum...ominous music). I hope that they have back up power at the clinic! (I'm sure they have generators. most likely, right?).
Transfer day is Monday at 10:30. I hope that at least 3 of the 7 embryos are good enough to transfer. I would love to have enough to freeze one or two for a final FET if needed, but I'm not counting on it. The problem with our severe male factor is that even the good looking sperm often don't have great DNA, we never know what lies in wait for us.
In other news, we have our first winter storm! Storm Alfred has been dumping heavy, wet snow on us all day and is supposed to continue until dawn. We will probably have a foot of snow by the time it winds down. Much of the state of Ct already is experiencing power outages. We still have power...for now. (dum dum dum...ominous music). I hope that they have back up power at the clinic! (I'm sure they have generators. most likely, right?).
Friday, October 28, 2011
Retrieval day
Everything went smooth and swimmingly. Even the IV was painless. Coming out of the anesthesia I had a strangely distorted sense of time, it seemed to take forever for my husband to arrive at my bedside, although the nurse and DH assured me that it had taken only a few minutes to collect him from the waiting room.
We've got 16 eggs! Not too shabby given my age. Tomorrow they'll call with our fertilization results. I can't wait :)
My husband is outside getting everything out of the garage. Our insurance company is going to drop our homeowner's insurance if we don't knock it down by Monday. And it snowed last night! Enough so that there was snow on the roofs of many cars driving in this morning. I bought the makings for my daughter's costume, but I still don't have the fabric for NB's hat. Things are getting just a little crazy around here. Here's to hoping that we have a new baby to add to the chaos next year!
We've got 16 eggs! Not too shabby given my age. Tomorrow they'll call with our fertilization results. I can't wait :)
My husband is outside getting everything out of the garage. Our insurance company is going to drop our homeowner's insurance if we don't knock it down by Monday. And it snowed last night! Enough so that there was snow on the roofs of many cars driving in this morning. I bought the makings for my daughter's costume, but I still don't have the fabric for NB's hat. Things are getting just a little crazy around here. Here's to hoping that we have a new baby to add to the chaos next year!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Things are popping out all over!
I've got follicles. Not the usual huge amount, but since I'm 41 now I'll take what I can get :) There are 15 follicles of a good size, a good handful of which are 19 or higher. Trigger is tonight, retrieval Friday, transfer on Monday.
With only 15 follicles right now I really don't know how well things will go. Even though I have produced good eggs in the past, (and hopefully Friday, too) our fertilization rates are kind of crappy. Out of 21, 19, and 22 eggs...if I remember the numbers correctly I have only had two good ones to transfer, and 4 to freeze with each cycle. I hope like crazy that I can get at least three embryos to transfer, but I'm not holding out any hope for more than that.
I'm going to be so happy when I am in the downward stretch of this roller coaster with embryos on board. I'm bloated and uncomfortable and a little stressed out about the whole timing of everything. Transfer day is Halloween, and I have been given strict instructions to NOT go Trick or Treating with the kids. This saddens me deeply, and I still haven't finished 2 of the 3 costumes. I know that you just can't tell going into a fresh IVF cycle when everything is going to happen, and if I hadn't had to delay stims because of my weird lining I would have gone through retrieval already, but I still feel guilty.
With only 15 follicles right now I really don't know how well things will go. Even though I have produced good eggs in the past, (and hopefully Friday, too) our fertilization rates are kind of crappy. Out of 21, 19, and 22 eggs...if I remember the numbers correctly I have only had two good ones to transfer, and 4 to freeze with each cycle. I hope like crazy that I can get at least three embryos to transfer, but I'm not holding out any hope for more than that.
I'm going to be so happy when I am in the downward stretch of this roller coaster with embryos on board. I'm bloated and uncomfortable and a little stressed out about the whole timing of everything. Transfer day is Halloween, and I have been given strict instructions to NOT go Trick or Treating with the kids. This saddens me deeply, and I still haven't finished 2 of the 3 costumes. I know that you just can't tell going into a fresh IVF cycle when everything is going to happen, and if I hadn't had to delay stims because of my weird lining I would have gone through retrieval already, but I still feel guilty.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)