Copper kettles and warm woolen mittens just aint cuttin' it

Hey everyone in blog land. Just reporting that the D & C went well as can be expected. I really overdid it between Saturday and Christmas, and spent most of the day after Christmas pounding the ibuprofen and feeling sorry for myself.

I have spent a huge amount of time squeezing my kids until they push me away and being terribly over indulgent. Some of it because I'm just so thankful for their presence, but mostly because I'm tired and numb and don't see the reason why my kids need to be dressed before noon. I am trying to enjoy the things about this holiday season I like the most, but sometimes thinking about my favorite things just isn't enough, and this is one of those times.

2011 sucked ass. Our beautiful cat, our first pet that we took in as a kitten before we were married, died in September at the age of 15 years. My husband and I had terrible fights going round and round because of my desire to have another child. My wonderful husband gave in, and even came to be excited about the prospect of having another baby, only to have it come smack him in the face when we had the miscarriage. We had battles with our home owners insurance and had to tear down the garage...which is still lying mostly in a heap. And we got to see our lovely boy NB who LOVED school sooo much get further and further dragged down until the homework he used to beg for started driving him to tears. And I STILL have no idea for a color scheme for my dining room.

I wanted so much to have a baby to look forward to. Now I just have battles with the school and the drudgery of routine. There will be thousands of little joys and happy moments along the way, but they won't be the life changing ones I was hoping for. I am just so tired most of the time, and oh so very sad. I know that there will be happiness in the ordinary things, I just can't find it now.

Thank You, again

Thank you everyone for your kind words. In my virtual house, everything is clean and my fridge is stocked with delicious, mild food to eat. My kids all want their new friends to come back and play. It is a hard time, but your long distance support really helps. Even if it is only the virtual kind :)

In real life my husband had to go to work today. Of course, this had to go down during my husband's busiest time. I'm debating asking my mom to help me when the boys come off of the bus this afternoon. She is so busy right now, though, and I am not up to explaining everything about this pregnancy and my choice to get pregnant now that it is over.

I went in for my first OB appointment yesterday. I was sooo hoping that there wouldn't be anything to see. Unfortunately, the bean was still there, giving us all the finger. They scheduled me for a D & C on Friday morning. Joy joy joy. I can't believe there can still be something in there after the two days I've had!

I know it may be hard to believe, but I am over the moon about the new BFPs and heartbeats out there this week. After Christmas I'm going to start making baby hats and sending them out. My email address is Chickenpig2 at yaho.o dot com. Send me your mailing addresses for a hat at anytime.

not okay

It seems like every hour I forget that I'm not pregnant anymore, and then something reminds me that I'm not and my world crashes in again. I'm so tired I wish I could have a cup of coffee...oh right..I can. That would be a lovely name if we have a girl...but we aren't having anything now. That yellow would be perfect for a nursery...oh damn it all to hell. How can my body be in such agony but my head and heart just refuse to get the message?

It doesn't help that my sense of smell is still hitting me full force. I opened up a magazine from its protective plastic yesterday and the inky-plastic smell nearly made me vomit. I can't stand to be in the kitchen, everything stinks to high heaven. I don't want to eat anything. After I've finally got something in front of me that I want, I eat two bites and feel nauseous. All of them wonderfully appropriate pregnancy symptoms...if you're PREGNANT. *sigh* If this fetus had to pack up and leave, couldn't it take all of its baggage with it??

I'm so tired and crampy. Everything hurts. Nothing like a miscarriage to remind me that my abdomen is a giant web of scar tissue attaching everything to everything else. One of these days my doctor is going to tell me to kick my uterus to the curb. Maybe today.

I just want to curl up in bed with a heating pad and a giant bottle of Adv.il.
I wish it was 100 years ago. I wish my doctor made house calls. I wouldn't have to take a shower and get dressed to sit in his waiting room for an hour in a room full of happily pregnant women. I wish I had a nanny. Someone who would get the boys ready for school and get them off of the bus. Someone who would play with my daughter so I wouldn't have her begging for me on the other side of the bathroom door while I'm bleeding and quietly crying my eyes out. I wish I had a maid or two who would clean me up and bring me what I need, a cook to make the meals, and a housekeeper who would tell me not to worry about a thing and who would efficiently take care of the household. I wish it wasn't Christmas time. I wish this was all behind me. But most of all I wish that I could see the bean's beating heart today and that this was all just a horribly bad dream. I wish.

All over

The bean was only measuring around 7 weeks and change. No heartbeat. It was also shaped a little oddly, a very strange blob without a recognizable head or rump to measure. I'm having a stiff drink right now and waiting for the miscarriage to work itself out. I'm keeping my Wednesday appointment so they can check how things are progressing.

I haven't shed a tear. I feel oddly disconnected from the whole thing. I have three beautiful kids, and as much as I really, really want another baby it probably just isn't meant to be. My eggs are getting older, and with my husband's sperm being so crappy I'm sure it's just a recipe for disaster.

The hope and joy were so wonderful while they lasted, though. Good bye, my beautiful bean. You were wanted and loved more than you'll ever know.

Not good *updated*

I woke up this morning to cramping and bleeding. The phone line for the OB office is busy and it took me an hour for me to get my husband on the phone. I'm hoping that this is just bleeding from the progesterone gel, but it doesn't look good. Please give any good thoughts that you can spare for the bean and me.

The bleeding has turned much lighter and brownish. I finally got a hold of the OB office and they won't be able to see me until 1 PM. WTH? I'm still cramping like crazy, and although there wasn't much blood to speak of when I went to the bathroom, there was some tissue looking stuff (small amount) at the bottom of the bowl that made the water all ominously red. This shouldn't be happening. I just keep telling myself that I've been through this scary stuff before and still been pregnant at the other end. I just wish I didn't have to wait all day to find out if there is still any hope for this one.

Living in two time zones

I'm 8 weeks and 4 days pregnant today. I had my first OB appointment yesterday, but it was just an intake visit. I got to pee in a cup and have my blood drawn, but I didn't get to see the bean :( I really came close to begging the nurse, or maybe slipping her a twenty or something. She tried to reassure me by saying that if I "felt pregnant" that I was doing ok. The problem is that I don't always feel that pregnant. Yeah, my boobs are kind of sore, but the nausea is mostly gone the last couple of days. I was tired yesterday, but I had plenty of energy on Sunday and Monday. I know that there isn't anything I can do but wait, but it is taking sooooo long. How can I still be at only 8 weeks? I feel like I have been nervously marking time in the first trimester for 17 weeks already!

On the other hand, Christmas is rapidly approaching. We just got the tree up on Sunday. It is already Wednesday, and I'm still not finished decorating the thing. We have NO gifts purchased, except for the stocking stuff I've been buying here and there. Every other day there is something else that I have to do things for, Friday it was the Historical Society potluck, next week there are two school parties. And so on and so on. I want the 21st to come sooo badly because I will get to see the bean again. But on the other hand, I need this time to get stuff done. I want to be happy that I'm pregnant, not scared stiff. I want to be excited about Christmas, not tired and stressed. I think I will have to focus on Christmas and try to enjoy doing some of the things I love the best, shop like crazy this weekend, and hope that some of my pregnancy symptoms come back in force to reassure me. The 21st is coming and Christmas is coming no matter what, so I'd better make the most of it.

7w3days, awards and stuff

Today I am 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I had my follow up ultrasound today and all is well with the little bean. I had a scary moment lying on the table when my doc and his intern were studying the screen intently and looking puzzled and I was sure that there was no longer a fetus in there. Then they had to reassure me that there was indeed a fetus in there with a heartbeat pumping away and turn the screen to face me. I could see the bright spot flashing steadily, with a blob around it, but it was terribly fuzzy. (hence their puzzled expressions). They gave up trying to measure the little bugger after several minutes to get the heart rate (a respectable 152 bpm), and then had to go back to try and measure again. Eventually they got a decent measurement of 7w3d, right on target, but the pictures they gave me are so terrible that they are hardly worth having. Seeing the heartbeat again was wonderful, though, and well worth the painful prodding.


I have also been given an award. I would like to thank Pink Lip Gloss and Prenatals and Greetings from Nowhere, NM for this award:

I am a little fuzzy with the rules, but I think I have to state 7 things about myself and then give the award to 15(?!) bloggers and tell them that I've given them the award. Well...here goes nothing :)

1. I am a 14th generation American and I can trace at least one ancestor back the 11th century in England.

2. My husband and I met when we were both working at the Stap.les distribution center. (They pack up the orders that come in from the 1-800 number and ship them out overnight). He was working a Summer job and I was saving up for Graduate school.

3. My house was burned down by a drug addicted arsonist when I was 10 years old.

4. I play the flute. I was a marching band geek from when I was in 7th grade until I graduated from High School. Our marching band had a ton of respect though. We won both national and international awards.

5. I had a giant fibroid that was roughly the size of a grapefruit. I had to have it surgically removed and it benched me from ttc efforts for over a year. It was named 'Nessie, creature of the black lagoon'.

6. My favorite job was working at a living history museum. I cooked over an open fire, set type and worked a hand powered press, gave garden tours, and showed thousands of people where the restrooms were.

7. It took my husband and I 6 years of trying to conceive before we took home our twins. After that it took 4 more rounds of IVF to bring home my daughter and to get pregnant with this bean. I have officially been with my RE longer than I have been with any other doctor except my pediatrician as a child. He actually had a tear in his eye when I left his office today.

Now for the blogs. I nominate....

Everybody in my reader! I want to be more specific but I have to stop writing this RIGHT NOW so I don't have time to work out the hyper linky love. I'll get the hang of this, I promise.