Futility

Today I'm feeling the futility of everything I do. I don't feel sad...or blah...or angry...just bogged down. The only cure for feeling this way that I know of is to DO something, but I feel hopelessly stuck.

I cook the boys a healthy meal...but I know they won't eat most of it, and that the remainder will get tossed on the floor.

I put them both on the potty but I know that DA won't do anything, and will scream NO NO NO at the top of his lungs while doing it.

I put AK down for her nap, but I know that the bassinet is too small, and that what she really needs is a crib. But where will I put it?

I know that everything will work out eventually, but right now I am stuck. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I don't have the faintest idea on how to get from here to there.

I never used to feel this way while doing IVF and trying to get pregnant. I know that other people feel the hopelessness of it all...that they feel angry. Maybe even betrayed by their God. But I never did. I believed, no, I knew that I would be a parent one day. One way or another I would be. Sure, most of the time I didn't think that I would have a biological child, but I would have a child. I just had to work at it.

I didn't hate IVF. I felt like I was doing something. Sometimes I actually enjoyed it. Measuring out the meds, going to appointments, getting blood drawn. I was DOING something, going somewhere, taking action. I was moving on down the road. I didn't know all the twists and turns but I knew I was going somewhere. There was a beginning, a middle, and someday there would be an ending.

And now I have my ending. But the end was just the beginning, and now I spend a lot of days floating around. I liked my life having a goal, a project. Now I have lots of goals and tons of projects, but I can't see how to do them, or even start.

I need a bigger house, but how will we get one if we can't sell this one? And how will I sell it if I can't get the projects done that will make it sellable? How can I find time to do those projects when I can't even find time to shower? How I can I stand myself when there are so many others who would be begging to have these problems? To have three kids in a tiny house that they bought when they thought they would be lucky to even have ONE?

How do you toilet train twin three year old boys? Seriously..how do you? Because I haven't a clue, apparently.

How do I get there from here? And where is there?

Better Full Than Empty

So...This is my Blog. For a first post this is going to be kind of lame, because I have a shortage of time, and too many thoughts. My hands are full...my life is full. Sometimes too full.

I have twin boys that just turned 3 in November, and a 6 month old daughter. All of them are taking a nap upstairs, or supposed to be...but one of the boys is running about and making a fracas, his brother is sleeping, and their sister is due to wake up any minute to get fed.

This is my life now. There was many ways it could have gone. When passers by see me in our local Target with our boys, usually one of them screaming, the other one throwing things in the cart, and the baby calmly studying her toes they quite often comment "Boy...you sure have your hands full." Yes...yes I do. But it almost never happened. The effort, the money, the science, the time, the heartbreak, the patience and the luck...most of all, the luck, it took to get all three of them here is mind boggling.

Yes, my hands are full. My heart is full...my life is full. But, better full than empty.