On this day seven years ago I got my first positive beta ever. Today, I transferred 3 decent looking 3 day old embryos. On November 11 I go in for my pregnancy test. Four years ago on November 11, I transferred two embryos, one of which became my daughter. I seem to be running over the same dates and times while ttc, wearing a groove. I hope that this November 11 is another bright spot on my November timeline, along with the transfer of my daughter and the birth of my boys on the 29th.
The transfer went ok. It was done by a doctor in the practice whom I'm not familiar with very much, except for his picture on the brochures and stuff. His bedside manner left something to be desired, compared to my doctor who jokes with me and gives me great feedback about the embryos. He had a great touch though, and I didn't have the discomfort I had last time.
There was no problem with the snow and the power. On the way back home, though, we ran into a lot of crap. First off we wanted to grab a bite to eat because it was lunch time. There was an incredible line at the diner because people were looking for a place with power to eat, although it moved very quickly. Then we needed to get gas and ended up waiting in line for almost an hour to put enough gas in our tank to get home. Now I'm sitting in my recliner at home while my husband takes the kiddies out trick or treating :( They looked so amazing in their costumes, and they were soooo excited to be going out that they could barely stand still.
It feels good to be PUPO :) In spite of not being able to go out, I'm enjoying the quiet time in the house, and I am in a really good mood. I hope that I can carry it forward for the next 11 days.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
C'mon lucky seven!!!
Out of the 16 eggs retrieved, 11 were mature, and 7 fertilized. Those aren't bad numbers for me. I usually have a lot less mature eggs, probably because I have always ended up coasting for the last few days until retrieval to prevent hyper stimulation.
Transfer day is Monday at 10:30. I hope that at least 3 of the 7 embryos are good enough to transfer. I would love to have enough to freeze one or two for a final FET if needed, but I'm not counting on it. The problem with our severe male factor is that even the good looking sperm often don't have great DNA, we never know what lies in wait for us.
In other news, we have our first winter storm! Storm Alfred has been dumping heavy, wet snow on us all day and is supposed to continue until dawn. We will probably have a foot of snow by the time it winds down. Much of the state of Ct already is experiencing power outages. We still have power...for now. (dum dum dum...ominous music). I hope that they have back up power at the clinic! (I'm sure they have generators. most likely, right?).
Transfer day is Monday at 10:30. I hope that at least 3 of the 7 embryos are good enough to transfer. I would love to have enough to freeze one or two for a final FET if needed, but I'm not counting on it. The problem with our severe male factor is that even the good looking sperm often don't have great DNA, we never know what lies in wait for us.
In other news, we have our first winter storm! Storm Alfred has been dumping heavy, wet snow on us all day and is supposed to continue until dawn. We will probably have a foot of snow by the time it winds down. Much of the state of Ct already is experiencing power outages. We still have power...for now. (dum dum dum...ominous music). I hope that they have back up power at the clinic! (I'm sure they have generators. most likely, right?).
Friday, October 28, 2011
Retrieval day
Everything went smooth and swimmingly. Even the IV was painless. Coming out of the anesthesia I had a strangely distorted sense of time, it seemed to take forever for my husband to arrive at my bedside, although the nurse and DH assured me that it had taken only a few minutes to collect him from the waiting room.
We've got 16 eggs! Not too shabby given my age. Tomorrow they'll call with our fertilization results. I can't wait :)
My husband is outside getting everything out of the garage. Our insurance company is going to drop our homeowner's insurance if we don't knock it down by Monday. And it snowed last night! Enough so that there was snow on the roofs of many cars driving in this morning. I bought the makings for my daughter's costume, but I still don't have the fabric for NB's hat. Things are getting just a little crazy around here. Here's to hoping that we have a new baby to add to the chaos next year!
We've got 16 eggs! Not too shabby given my age. Tomorrow they'll call with our fertilization results. I can't wait :)
My husband is outside getting everything out of the garage. Our insurance company is going to drop our homeowner's insurance if we don't knock it down by Monday. And it snowed last night! Enough so that there was snow on the roofs of many cars driving in this morning. I bought the makings for my daughter's costume, but I still don't have the fabric for NB's hat. Things are getting just a little crazy around here. Here's to hoping that we have a new baby to add to the chaos next year!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Things are popping out all over!
I've got follicles. Not the usual huge amount, but since I'm 41 now I'll take what I can get :) There are 15 follicles of a good size, a good handful of which are 19 or higher. Trigger is tonight, retrieval Friday, transfer on Monday.
With only 15 follicles right now I really don't know how well things will go. Even though I have produced good eggs in the past, (and hopefully Friday, too) our fertilization rates are kind of crappy. Out of 21, 19, and 22 eggs...if I remember the numbers correctly I have only had two good ones to transfer, and 4 to freeze with each cycle. I hope like crazy that I can get at least three embryos to transfer, but I'm not holding out any hope for more than that.
I'm going to be so happy when I am in the downward stretch of this roller coaster with embryos on board. I'm bloated and uncomfortable and a little stressed out about the whole timing of everything. Transfer day is Halloween, and I have been given strict instructions to NOT go Trick or Treating with the kids. This saddens me deeply, and I still haven't finished 2 of the 3 costumes. I know that you just can't tell going into a fresh IVF cycle when everything is going to happen, and if I hadn't had to delay stims because of my weird lining I would have gone through retrieval already, but I still feel guilty.
With only 15 follicles right now I really don't know how well things will go. Even though I have produced good eggs in the past, (and hopefully Friday, too) our fertilization rates are kind of crappy. Out of 21, 19, and 22 eggs...if I remember the numbers correctly I have only had two good ones to transfer, and 4 to freeze with each cycle. I hope like crazy that I can get at least three embryos to transfer, but I'm not holding out any hope for more than that.
I'm going to be so happy when I am in the downward stretch of this roller coaster with embryos on board. I'm bloated and uncomfortable and a little stressed out about the whole timing of everything. Transfer day is Halloween, and I have been given strict instructions to NOT go Trick or Treating with the kids. This saddens me deeply, and I still haven't finished 2 of the 3 costumes. I know that you just can't tell going into a fresh IVF cycle when everything is going to happen, and if I hadn't had to delay stims because of my weird lining I would have gone through retrieval already, but I still feel guilty.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
This is how we make the babies
Monday I drove in to the clinic. It was a beautiful sunny day. Traffic was light (for once) and I was right on time. I've got follicles. Lots and lots of follicles. Some pretty good, 17, 14's...and lots of 12's both on the right and the left. I go back tomorrow for another check, and if all looks good, I'll probably trigger on Thursday night and have the retrieval on Saturday.
Driving in all I could think of is how different it is for us. Tomorrow will be CD14 for me, the time I would normally be ovulating if I wasn't suppressing everything. If we were a normal fertile couple, my husband and I would just have sex, like everyone else in the world. Maybe we would wake up early and do it quickly, listening for the patter of little feet running down the hall to interrupt us. Maybe we would have a night of romance, have a candlelit dinner and watch a romantic movie. But that isn't for us. Our babies are made with us not even in the same room as each other. The babymaking process is clinical, calculated, scientific...and cold.
Tomorrow I'll drive in to the clinic again. As I do, somewhere there will be a college student picking her panties up off of a stranger's floor and doing the walk of shame...pregnant. There will be a young married woman who wakes up and quietly tiptoes to the bathroom and hopes, maybe today?....pregnant. Moments of passion, love, lust, and even violence everywhere making babies, but not here. My husband and I are state of the art. Nothing but science and cutting edge technology for us!
Wake me up early tomorrow, because I've got to go make us a baby :)
Driving in all I could think of is how different it is for us. Tomorrow will be CD14 for me, the time I would normally be ovulating if I wasn't suppressing everything. If we were a normal fertile couple, my husband and I would just have sex, like everyone else in the world. Maybe we would wake up early and do it quickly, listening for the patter of little feet running down the hall to interrupt us. Maybe we would have a night of romance, have a candlelit dinner and watch a romantic movie. But that isn't for us. Our babies are made with us not even in the same room as each other. The babymaking process is clinical, calculated, scientific...and cold.
Tomorrow I'll drive in to the clinic again. As I do, somewhere there will be a college student picking her panties up off of a stranger's floor and doing the walk of shame...pregnant. There will be a young married woman who wakes up and quietly tiptoes to the bathroom and hopes, maybe today?....pregnant. Moments of passion, love, lust, and even violence everywhere making babies, but not here. My husband and I are state of the art. Nothing but science and cutting edge technology for us!
Wake me up early tomorrow, because I've got to go make us a baby :)
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Everything is a GO!
Wednesday's appointment was a little weird. From one angle, everything looked hunky dory, from another, the lining looked like a comet, with the lining as the tail and a strange blip thing at the end. It could be a polyp...could be a bit of left over lining...they have no clue. My regular RE is in Florida and isn't coming back until Monday, so the rest of the docs, interns, and a bevy of med students had an impromptu conference in the office and hallway. It looked kind of like a group of kids trying to figure out what to do when their parents are out of town. In the end, the doctor that checked me came into the room where I was sitting with the nurse and said that they decided I should proceed with the cycle as planned. Woot! So...I've started with 300 units of Gona.l F every night with a blood test on Saturday. I'll take it! 300 units seems a little high to me, though. I know I'm 41 and all, but when I did this last time when I was 37 I got over 52 follicles and touch of OHSS to go along with them. I hope that they can manage to keep me walking that fine line between stimming too slowly and not getting many eggs, and stimming too quickly and then having to slow down so that fewer eggs are mature at retrieval.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Baseline
Ug. I am sick to death of driving to my clinic. The traffic today was so bad going into the city that I was a half an hour late for my appointment, and I gave myself what should have been an extra half an hour or so already! I had to pee so badly that my eyes were literally watering, but there was no where to go in bumper to bumper traffic. Arg! I didn't even have a partially full bladder or anything when I left because it was unnecessary at this appointment. Good thing.
The ultrasound went ok. I have about 6 follicles on one side, 5 on the other, which isn't bad for a baseline count. But, I had fluid in my uterus which made the doctor nervous so they want me to go back for another baseline on Wednesday. My husband was already pissed off today because I was so late coming home, and when I told him that I would have to go back on Wed he REALLY got his panties in a twist. Between the white knuckle drive, the killer Lupro.n headaches, and DH's griping I was ready to just break down in tears and give in and throw in the towel.
Thankfully, we worked things out, I get to drop the Lup down to 5 units tonight, and DH even offered to drive me to the appointment on Wed. I hope the extra fluid that the intern saw on US turns out to be nothing and that I can start stims soon. Fingers crossed.
The ultrasound went ok. I have about 6 follicles on one side, 5 on the other, which isn't bad for a baseline count. But, I had fluid in my uterus which made the doctor nervous so they want me to go back for another baseline on Wednesday. My husband was already pissed off today because I was so late coming home, and when I told him that I would have to go back on Wed he REALLY got his panties in a twist. Between the white knuckle drive, the killer Lupro.n headaches, and DH's griping I was ready to just break down in tears and give in and throw in the towel.
Thankfully, we worked things out, I get to drop the Lup down to 5 units tonight, and DH even offered to drive me to the appointment on Wed. I hope the extra fluid that the intern saw on US turns out to be nothing and that I can start stims soon. Fingers crossed.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Remembering
Today is Remembrance Day. October 15th has been set aside for a day to think about those who have a miscarriage, stillbirth, or a child who has died very young. At 7:00 o'clock, wherever you happen to be, if you are remembering a loss, it is the time to light a candle for an hour and reflect.
I am not one for this kind of reflection...at least not for myself. I have had a miscarriage very early on at 8 weeks. At the time I was devastated, but I don't mourn now. I had a chemical pregnancy which broke my heart at the time, but now barely lingers in my memory. The sadness that breaks my heart today is for others: For Cecily, who lost her twins Nicholas and Zachary when they were just on the cusp of viability. For Missconception who just lost her twins at 20 weeks. For Eve who lost her boy William, for Chon, for Jen, for Mo, For Tertia, for Kristen, For Alex at Firsttimetwins who lost her twin baby girls.....for everyone. There aren't enough candles in my house. There aren't enough candles in the World to shine a light big enough for everyone to see. These children were real. Our grief is real. See us!
Today I remember Catherine Louisa. She would have been my Grandfather's aunt, had she lived. She was born, and died, between censuses. She was a mysterious gap between children on my family tree. Then we found my Great great grandmother's bible, and there she was. My ancestor Sarah's grief was pressed between almost every page in the form of a poem, a black scrap of mourning silk, an obituary, a mourning card, and endless scraps of paper filled with sadness. No one who ever looked upon Catherine's face is still alive to remember her. Her body was buried far away from the rest of our family in up state New York...all alone. I light my candle for her.
I am not one for this kind of reflection...at least not for myself. I have had a miscarriage very early on at 8 weeks. At the time I was devastated, but I don't mourn now. I had a chemical pregnancy which broke my heart at the time, but now barely lingers in my memory. The sadness that breaks my heart today is for others: For Cecily, who lost her twins Nicholas and Zachary when they were just on the cusp of viability. For Missconception who just lost her twins at 20 weeks. For Eve who lost her boy William, for Chon, for Jen, for Mo, For Tertia, for Kristen, For Alex at Firsttimetwins who lost her twin baby girls.....for everyone. There aren't enough candles in my house. There aren't enough candles in the World to shine a light big enough for everyone to see. These children were real. Our grief is real. See us!
Today I remember Catherine Louisa. She would have been my Grandfather's aunt, had she lived. She was born, and died, between censuses. She was a mysterious gap between children on my family tree. Then we found my Great great grandmother's bible, and there she was. My ancestor Sarah's grief was pressed between almost every page in the form of a poem, a black scrap of mourning silk, an obituary, a mourning card, and endless scraps of paper filled with sadness. No one who ever looked upon Catherine's face is still alive to remember her. Her body was buried far away from the rest of our family in up state New York...all alone. I light my candle for her.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Back to Day One...again
Thank you to my friends and readers who pointed out that it was probably the Lupr.on that was making me all brooding and full of doubt. You would think that after so many years I would be aware of this, but no, every cycle the crappy mood takes me by surprise. The black mood has lifted, as it always does, leaving me feeling more hopeful about it all. In short, I'm a ninny.
Today is cycle day one. That means that Pablo* is here and tomorrow I get my happy box o'meds. Yeah! I love tearing into the big medicine chest. Gimme gimme. The clinic should be calling sometime this afternoon to schedule my day 3 baseline ultrasound appointment. As usual, it all seems to be happening so fast. If all goes well, in two weeks or so I'll be having an egg retrieval...and then an embryo transfer. I promise I will be trying to stay hopeful and positive and try not to drift into the swamp of despair. No promises, though.
Last night I had the most vivid dream. I was holding a newborn cradled in my forearm, with his head in my palm and his little feet touching my stomach. We were in the kitchen and my husband was working at the counter and it was pitch dark outside. It seemed so real that when I woke up I could still feel the weight of the baby's head in my hand. I can remember his features and still see the fuzzy white footie sleeper. I have had dreams like this before, and I wish that I could say for certain that it means something, because sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't. In any case, vivid dreams like these give me the warm, hopeful fuzzies.
*my period is not a maiden aunt Flo, but a jealous pool boy who shuts the pool down for a week before going on his merry way.
Today is cycle day one. That means that Pablo* is here and tomorrow I get my happy box o'meds. Yeah! I love tearing into the big medicine chest. Gimme gimme. The clinic should be calling sometime this afternoon to schedule my day 3 baseline ultrasound appointment. As usual, it all seems to be happening so fast. If all goes well, in two weeks or so I'll be having an egg retrieval...and then an embryo transfer. I promise I will be trying to stay hopeful and positive and try not to drift into the swamp of despair. No promises, though.
Last night I had the most vivid dream. I was holding a newborn cradled in my forearm, with his head in my palm and his little feet touching my stomach. We were in the kitchen and my husband was working at the counter and it was pitch dark outside. It seemed so real that when I woke up I could still feel the weight of the baby's head in my hand. I can remember his features and still see the fuzzy white footie sleeper. I have had dreams like this before, and I wish that I could say for certain that it means something, because sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't. In any case, vivid dreams like these give me the warm, hopeful fuzzies.
*my period is not a maiden aunt Flo, but a jealous pool boy who shuts the pool down for a week before going on his merry way.
Friday, October 7, 2011
The double edged sword
Today is not a good day. It's not a particularly bad day, but it aint great. I hate waiting, and while being on day three of the Lupron isn't exactly waiting, it doesn't feel like I'm going anywhere, either. I have been filled today with a sadness and longing, just an ache to have a baby here with nowhere to put it. My blog reader is full of posts of pregnant bloggers and those whose cycles who are underway, or those in the 2ww. All I can think of is why, why, why would I want to put myself through this again? Why couldn't I just let it be.
It is a double edge sword. I want another baby, and this renewed insurance is my chance to make that happen. I have tried all my life to live so I will have as few regrets as possible. When I was rethinking my life's plan, back when we still didn't want kids, I came to the conclusion that parents don't regret having children, but that I would most certainly regret NOT having them. Right now, I feel most certainly that I would love another child, and doing IVF is the only chance to make that happen. If I don't take this chance that's being given me, I'm sure I would regret it.
But the other edge of the sword is pain. Trying to conceive just makes me think of having a baby more than when I was just living day to day. It means joining in the race again, but this time I am over 40, the flea bitten nag that should have been put out to pasture. Everyone around me seems to be the age I was when I got pregnant the first time (34) or even younger than that. They are getting pregnant like crazy. Once this would have made me feel hopeful and positive, but now I just feel left behind...again. I spent years being left behind and being lapped by other people by the time I had my kids, why would I want to do this to myself? Especially now that my chances of success are so much slimmer than before. And my TTC history is so baffling in its total lack of consistency. Years of not getting pregnant, over a year benched from a fibroid, getting pregnant, miscarrying, having twins, not getting pregnant, chemical pregnancy... There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. It's such a mixed bag. And yet, my treatment and protocol never changes.
Two sides. On one there is pain, sadness, and hope. On the other, pain, sorrow, and regret. But only one side has the chance, no matter how slim, of another baby. Which edge would you choose?
It is a double edge sword. I want another baby, and this renewed insurance is my chance to make that happen. I have tried all my life to live so I will have as few regrets as possible. When I was rethinking my life's plan, back when we still didn't want kids, I came to the conclusion that parents don't regret having children, but that I would most certainly regret NOT having them. Right now, I feel most certainly that I would love another child, and doing IVF is the only chance to make that happen. If I don't take this chance that's being given me, I'm sure I would regret it.
But the other edge of the sword is pain. Trying to conceive just makes me think of having a baby more than when I was just living day to day. It means joining in the race again, but this time I am over 40, the flea bitten nag that should have been put out to pasture. Everyone around me seems to be the age I was when I got pregnant the first time (34) or even younger than that. They are getting pregnant like crazy. Once this would have made me feel hopeful and positive, but now I just feel left behind...again. I spent years being left behind and being lapped by other people by the time I had my kids, why would I want to do this to myself? Especially now that my chances of success are so much slimmer than before. And my TTC history is so baffling in its total lack of consistency. Years of not getting pregnant, over a year benched from a fibroid, getting pregnant, miscarrying, having twins, not getting pregnant, chemical pregnancy... There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. It's such a mixed bag. And yet, my treatment and protocol never changes.
Two sides. On one there is pain, sadness, and hope. On the other, pain, sorrow, and regret. But only one side has the chance, no matter how slim, of another baby. Which edge would you choose?
Monday, October 3, 2011
It's all spirk.
Yesterday: We set up the twins' bunk beds for the very first time. The minimum age recommended for bunk beds is 6, and they'll be there at the end of November. I can't believe it! And to really put me over the top weepy, DA lost his first tooth while running around outside. We took pictures and everything. Hubby got the privilege of sneaking the money from the tooth fairy under his pillow.
The twins invented a new word to join the handful of other twinwords they've created. This one is 'spirk'. My geeky husband says it's the name of Captain Kirk and Spock's love child. The meaning appears to be a sound made while burping and/or an adjective of some sort. When my husband and I say it, they break out into uncontrollable fits of laughter, so it may also be a curse word or something disgusting.
Today: I bought Lupr.on and needles from a pharmacy in Maine that my clinic uses for all its fertility medications. It cost me $22.18. The balance of the meds I'll need will set me back an additional $235. The pharmacist informed me that I had saved over four thousand dollars! Four thousand dollars for medications. It boggles the mind. And they probably only cost 100 dollars to produce total. I am alternately grateful that I have insurance, totally stunned by the cost, and unbelievably guilt at how many people have to pay that amount out of pocket. Spirk!
Tomorrow: I get to wake up at some ungodly hour to get my blood drawn at the nearest Que.st labs, about a 30 minute drive away, to make sure I've ovulated. If I have, I get to start shooting up this evening. Yeeehaaa. Or maybe I should say SPIRK!!!*
*I was informed by NB that spirk is indeed the correct spelling. I would go with sperk myself, but what do I know?
The twins invented a new word to join the handful of other twinwords they've created. This one is 'spirk'. My geeky husband says it's the name of Captain Kirk and Spock's love child. The meaning appears to be a sound made while burping and/or an adjective of some sort. When my husband and I say it, they break out into uncontrollable fits of laughter, so it may also be a curse word or something disgusting.
Today: I bought Lupr.on and needles from a pharmacy in Maine that my clinic uses for all its fertility medications. It cost me $22.18. The balance of the meds I'll need will set me back an additional $235. The pharmacist informed me that I had saved over four thousand dollars! Four thousand dollars for medications. It boggles the mind. And they probably only cost 100 dollars to produce total. I am alternately grateful that I have insurance, totally stunned by the cost, and unbelievably guilt at how many people have to pay that amount out of pocket. Spirk!
Tomorrow: I get to wake up at some ungodly hour to get my blood drawn at the nearest Que.st labs, about a 30 minute drive away, to make sure I've ovulated. If I have, I get to start shooting up this evening. Yeeehaaa. Or maybe I should say SPIRK!!!*
*I was informed by NB that spirk is indeed the correct spelling. I would go with sperk myself, but what do I know?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)