Happy Day!

Today, at 9:40 AM, my little baby AK turned 3 years old. Three already, I can't believe it.

AND, Kristen, over at Buck up Butturcup got a HUGE BFP today!!!!!!

Happiness. :)


I can't wait for more of those to roll in, because I know they're out there. Maybe even one for me????? (hint, hint, infertility universe).


I got my call from the nurse. Transfer is scheduled for 11:30 AM on Tuesday, but I have to show up there at 11:00 with a full bladder. It's going to be a busy two week wait for me. We've got a combined birthday party for myself and Princess Adele Fussy Pants on Sunday the 14th. It won't be the first party we've had here at the 'Doctor Willia.m Harr.is'* residence, but it will be the biggest one so far, if we can get everyone to attend. It will also be the first time some of my rather stuck up relatives will see the house, so you know, it's got to look all perty.

I have begun my preparation for this time the best I can so far. Yesterday I cleaned the upstairs bathroom, including all the somewhat harsh chemicals that are only needed infrequently. Hubby will only have to touch it up for the party. The rest of today and Monday will involve heavy floor cleaning, because due to bleeding and spotting I've had during pregnancies in the past, especially right after vacuuming, I am justifiably wary of cleaning them after transfer. After transfer, and a very brief rest, I'll probably continue straitening, laundry, dusting, window cleaning, stuff that doesn't need lifting or stretching. My biggest concern is the garden, which right now looks like ass, and I won't want to be working in it in the sun. If I am lucky enough to get pregnant, I won't care about letting it go to seed until the fall, but I don't want it looking this way for company. Maybe tonight and Monday I can tackle the lion's share of the weeds....

Other than that, I've got a stack of books from the library, shopping for AK to do, and maybe a knitting project? I'm looking forward to having those embryos thawed and hopefully setting up shop!!!! This cycle is taking FOREVER.

Congrats again to Kristen!!!! Looking forward to doubling betas and a great ultrasound (fingers crossed, knock on wood and all that :)

*Dr Will.am Har.ris is the gentleman who built our house, somewhere betweein 1796 and 1818, records vary. He might not actually have built it, but purchased it from a different doctor in 1820. I've broken up the gents name, because if you google him you will be able to see my house :) and find this blog.

Bloggy Love

Yeah, now that's more like it! E2 blood work came back at a respectable 400 *whew*. When I had blood drawn Thursday the nurse said "I don't know what the doctor will say. I don't think he'll cancel your transfer because your lining looks good...but we'll have to wait and see." Whaaaaat???
I have decided officially that 1) quest lab results run a little high 2) my clinic's lab numbers run a little low. Between the two of them I don't know which way is up. I know one thing for sure, I always test low for everything, betas included, I think I really metabolize hormones super fast. I know that my lining looks good and I don't have to do more blood work until Monday morning. I'll be sure to pop one of those estrogen pills right before I go.

I can't wait to transfer those embryos. I feel like I am in the 2ww already, and I still have 4 more days to go before they put them I!! . Aaarg I hate to wait. This 2ww is going to be the worse wait ever. And it's not like I don't have a ton of stuff to do around here, because I do, I just can't focus on anything but this Tour de Crotch. Last Lu.pron shot tonight. (yeah!) Progesterone shots start tomorrow (boo!) along with medrol, and doxy.

Thank you to everyone that has come on this blog these past couple of weeks. And thank all of you for WRITING such wonderful blogs. Thank you for letting me into your lives and cycles, so I can keep my mind off of my own. Thank you for sharing your book ideas, your diet success stories, your feelings about infertility, your highs and your lows this month. And thank you for holding my hand and giving me such kind and helpful comments here. Your kindness and patience with me has been appreciated most of all.

I know it isn't easy for most of you to come here and read posts on a 'parenting after infertility' blog. I know that this blog could be a mine field at any time, especially when you are chock up to the gills with hormones. Sometimes I am embarrassed by all that I have. I can't give everyone the luck I've had with insurance, or my luck with my past cycles, but I wish I could. I really, really do. And I promise not to talk about my kids too much. Some other time, most likely, but not now.

I started trying to conceive in the year 2000. That was a loooong time ago. I have learned a lot about infertility and its treatment over the years, but I still have stuff to learn, and I'm learning it from YOU guys, all of you. :) Thank you.

(but I won't start naming names, because then I would leave somebody out, and that would suck donkey balls.)

Plan B

Cd12 and things are moving right along. I'm not sure what my E2 level is yet, but my lining is a lush and cushy 13mm. I really want to just get this show on the road, already!!!

Usually at this time in the cycle I start thinking about what my next course of action will be if I don't get pregnant. It helps with the sting of a BFN for me when I have a plan. But with this cycle I don't have a plan, and that is starting to worry me a bit.

I do have a little bit of a plan. After these two embryos I will still have two, if I don't have to thaw all four to get one or two to transfer. Since my newly minted insurance pays for 3 cycles, I will still have the money to do another FET. IF I have the inclination, that is, and right now I'm not sure if I do. I'm tired of this, to be honest, sick of the shots, the monitoring, the blood draws, and the waiting. But I know I will have to. However this cycle pans out, I'll still have to do something with those embryos, and not wanting to dispose of them is how I got here in the first place. Maybe it's better if this cycle DOESN'T work.

But what happens when BOTH cycles don't work, and I'm left with this empty feeling in my gut? And one cycle still sitting there taunting me? The image I have of my life in the future has opened up to include juggling my life with a new baby and I don't want to shut that door. Life without that possibility suddenly seems dimmer and sadder to me...just a little. I'll have to start thinking harder about Plan B. Hopefully I can come up with something more tantalizing than toilet training.

Just another day

Cycle day 10 and all is well. The nurse called and my estrogen finally seems to be where they want it, after increasing the patches and taking little estrace pills twice a day. Whew. I go on Wednesday to have blood work and an ultrasound to check my lining. Hopefully my uterus is perking up and getting ready for company or I'm going to have to give it a strong talking to.

I've been allowing myself to think happy baby thoughts. I've thought about what color I would paint the baby's room. I've walked into the laundry room to put clothes in the dryer and have thought "I wonder if NOW that I have a decent washer and dryer that isn't in a creepy basement, if doing cloth diapers would be a doable option?" And I have played with baby doll X, something I normally avoid doing unless AK, or maybe NB, begs me to help dress it.

I have to explain about Baby doll X. BDX is a baby doll (obviously) of lifelike size and proportions that I bought while pregnant with the twins. It is 21" long, bald, with a cute newborn squinched up face, with spiky blond eyelashes around it's dark baby blue eyes. It is jointed with a weighted down bean-bag body that flops about in a creepily realistic fashion. It was purchased for only 16 bucks at a big lot discount store. It's intended purpose was to help my husband and I get used to the feeling of handling a newborn, and to use it as a stand in dummy as we adjusted straps and fiddled with car seats. BDX worked great in this regard. But, after we had two of the real thing, the doll got parked in the closet, and then I lent it to my mom for use in her pre school classroom.

Along with BDX went bags of newborn sized clothing, and I didn't give it a second thought. Until we were expecting baby AK. It was summer, school was out, and my mom had the bright idea of bringing over baby dolls to help the boys get acclimated to the idea of having a sibling. NB promptly grabbed BDX and dashed it to the floor saying "Baby NO!", while DA dragged BDX 's cousin around by the arm and down the stairs. I rescued X, and I was surprised by how naturally it curled up on my shoulder, how realistically it's head turned in the direction of my breast while I cradled it in my arms. The memories came flooding back, and I found myself absentmindedly patting it's padded bottom as I gently bounced and swayed. Ahhhh.... Now I remember.

Flash forward about 3 years. My good friend has given AK a beautiful doll cradle for Christmas, but she has no dolls. My mom is now retired, but she brought home all her stuff, including Baby doll X, so once again the doll comes back. It is a little bit worse for wear this time around. It is over 5 years old by now, after all, and has been through the wars.

The baby doll has been dressed in hand me down overalls, the cutest things that the boys used to wear all the time, with a hat that DB wore home from the hospital. I pick it up and it snuggles up against my shoulder in that familiar way. But this time it is different. It is just a toy. It has no useful purpose here except to fill AK's cradle. Holding it fills me with sadness and a sense of loss. I'm not pregnant this time around, and I most likely never will be again. AK and NB enjoy rocking X in the cradle until it falls out, making me cringe. They strip it naked and leave it dangling in positions that make me want to snatch it away from harm. It stirs a desire inside, it grows into a wish, and I try to shut the feelings up in a box. I start to avoid the doll until it is just another part of the toy filled background. But it doesn't work. The box has been blown wide open.

Yesterday, I went into the parlor and sat down on the floor by the doll cradle. BDX was once again abandoned on the floor, it's clothes askew, diaper off, with it's arms all akimbo. And I found myself straitening it. I snapped on the cloth diaper and dressed it, swaddled and held it close. Aaaahhh..... And for the first time AK sits down next to me and gently pats the dolls head and sings it a little song. And I can't stop myself from thinking "Maybe next year, this scene will be for real."

At the very least, maybe it will help boost my estrogen levels a little bit. :)

What's In a Name? Part Dos, historical edition

Here are some names that are in my family tree. Go ahead and take 'em, they're all due to be big hits on the baby name parade again. I dare you ;)

For the gents:

Makepeace
Ebenezer
Almanzo
Ezekiel
Hilliard (this one was my Grandfather's. It goes waaay back)
Eckford

For the ladies:

Freelove (no, I'm not kidding, this was a biggie before the Revolution)
Mehitabel
Jezebel
Lydia
Charity, Patience, Prudence, Temperance, Faith, Hope, Chastity and Honor
and #1 on the colonial hit list for the fairer sex: Elisabeth
aka Beth, Betty, Bitsy, Betsy, Eliza, Liza, and Lisa

The most popular name for men around here, prior to the 19th century, appears to be William or James. The most popular for women, besides Lydia and Elisabeth (already mentioned) might be Hannah, Anna or Anne, or Katherine.

Names that are noticeably absent would be Mary, John, Matthew, Mark, or Luke. There were some, but these are Puritan names we're talking about, and they wouldn't want to appear 'papish' (Catholic). When Puritans went to the Bible they went waaaay back and obscure.

So, what do you think? It's time to give the good old Puritanical names a chance, don't you think? The 19th century has had it's day, with all it's Emmas, Lucies, and whatnot. Time to bring about the old school list. ;)

No More Debbie Downer for me!

Begone, bad thoughts! Begone I say! I started out at the beginning of this FET cycle thankful to have the chance to grab for that brass ring just one...more...time, and Damn It (Janet!) I'm going to stay that way! Hopeful and Thankful. (and nonononono those are NOT going to be the names of my next set of twins. Bite your tongue!).

I have been upset more for other bloggers than myself. Women who need this cycle to work a heck of a lot more than I do. Unfortunately, luck doesn't work that way. There isn't some cosmic number of BFP's out there being parsimoniously handed out like trophies at a state fair. Sure, all of us won't win, but we all COULD.

But....and this is a BIG but (yeah, yeah I said Big But). I already have children. Three children, to be exact: soft, squishy, squirmy, often smelly, loud, messy, and occasionally bratty children. This FET is a total bonus. At the very beginning I intended to make it like a romp, and infertile holiday if you will. I was going to throw 'cautiously optimistic' to the winds and do as the fertiles do. I was going to pick nursery colors before I had my legs up in the stirrups. I was going to start picking out baby names and drop coy hints on Fartbook that we were going to 'start trying' . What the heck? But I haven't been able to quite pull it off, as my last post would attest. Somewhere along the line it stopped being just about me, but about all the brave women I'm cycling with (sorry, that makes it sound like we are all racing in the Tour de Crotch, it is VERY hot here). Somewhere along the line it stopped being just a lark, and an honest to g.od cycle with honest to g.od consequences. Somewhere along the line it stopped being just IVF #7, but the chance at baby #4. A baby....a soft, squishy, often smelly baby, a mix of my husband and me. Now all I want to do is curl up in a ball and mumble over and over "please, please,PLEASE let it work. oh please please please."

Hopeful and Thankful :)

Melancholia

No, I'm not even sure if that is a word. Except for maybe a 19th century disease affecting women and poets.

I have come to that dreaded time of the cycle, where everything feels wrong and the doubt is pouring in like icy seawater into the holds of the Titanic. The alarm bells are ringing. So far one of our brave cyclesistas has already been dragged down by a BFN. My estrogen came back way too low today, so the amount of patches has been upped already. My body isn't responding quickly as it always has...all of this has left me floundering in a dark sea of melancholy that I can't shake.

What am I doing this for? Haven't I been hurt enough already? I don't expect this to work...but if I get pregnant and it's a chemical pregnancy...or worse, I miscarry, I will be devastated. I don't need this FET to work, but I want it to so very, very much. And more to the point, I want it to work for all the women whose blogs I have been reading...and I know it can't work for everyone. This makes me feel terribly bitter and sad in a way I can't put into words.

Mind your speed and have your life rafts ready.....Icebergs ahead.

Never Tell Me the Odds

When I went for my baseline ultrasound and blood work last week, I was struck by a recent change to my RE clinic. Outside of the discreet office door on the third floor was a giant display, and I mean HUGE display, of the clinics statistics. They were good, very good, which is why they are so proud to post them. Why not flaunt it if you got it, right?

The ongoing pregnancy rate, in the age range of 30-35 was 57% . That is the percentage of women under 35 who walked in the door this year, unable to get pregnant, who walked out carrying a viable pregnancy. That's more than half, heck, it's almost a third. The next age range I can't remember, and the over 40, was 24%. Nearly a quarter of the women over forty walked out with a viable pregnancy this year.

This is where I get confused. According to my RE, I'm not a 40 year old trying to get pregnant, but a 37 year old,(the age of my eggs when these embryos were created) which is why he is only transferring two embryos. Soooo....does that make me more in the 35-40 age range category (which numbers I didn't take in, naturally). Hmmm.... Well, I know which age range they'll be putting me if I should get knocked up.

My own odds are something else entirely. Since I have had my fibroid removed, I have gotten pregnant every. single. cycle. Granted, out of those 4 pregnancies only two made it out the door as viable pregnancies. But still, 4 cycles, 2 viable pregnancies...pretty good odds, right? I'm beginning to see why everyone in the clinic smiles when I walk in the door.

Then why am I feeling that this cycle isn't going to end well? *sigh*

what's in a name?

A very brief post...

My husband and I have a gift of giving our animals trendy names, years in advance. So...if anyone out there wants to know what NOT to name their child, you can run it past us :)

A sampling: Evelyn, Chloe, and Bella

All beautiful names, but trendy as all get out. None of them were trendy when we used them, however. The youngest pet in this menagerie is 12.

Happy...and starting to get excited.

Yesterday our beautiful cat Evelyn returned from whatever rock she had been hiding under for the past 4 days. We have three cats, and normally we do a head count every night, get them inside and fed. On Saturday, my husband asked me if I had seen Evie at all that day, and I could only remember seeing her Friday night. We called, and searched, and listened and called again...but no Evie. Monday I could have sworn I heard her crying, but more calling and searching just made me feel like I was slowly losing my mind. By Tuesday night, both my husband and I were resigned to the fact that she probably wasn't coming home. It is very unusual for our cats to wander, and if they are gone for more than a day we know something bad has happened. Once, Bella got locked in a neighbor's garage, another time Evie was trapped under our porch, severely dehydrated and close to death. I was sure that something terrible had happened to her, and so I began to mourn her in my heart. Until around 5 yesterday...

It was a beautiful evening. There was a sun-shower, and I was walking around the house looking to see if I could see a rainbow. I looked up, into the trees...the sun was shining through the raindrops and the world was glowing with a beautiful golden afternoon light, and I remember thinking "everything is going to be ok." I was filled with a wonderful sense of calm and peace...and then I felt a tickling sensation around my ankle. There she was! Gaunt looking, but none the worse for wear, appearing out of nowhere. Right now she is curled up sleeping on my bedroom floor, recovering from whatever misadventure she got herself into. Crazy cat, she probably has about 4 lives left, but she just took about 10 years off of mine :)

As for the FET of '11, I'm finally starting to feel some excitement. I had my third day blood work and ultrasound today, and my schedule for blood work, estrogen patches, and transfer. Everything looks good internally, no cysts, fibroids or other problems, I even have some follicles! The intern who gave the ultrasound said "you must produce a lot of eggs" I agreed, then told her that my eggs had never been the problem. The nurse who overlooked my chart and went over the FET schedule gave me a handful of undated Quest lab slips that I would need for "when I got pregnant" so I could run in and get my progesterone checked. I said "Boy, you are really optimistic about this" and she just gave me a really amused look and said "You DO have a really good track record." And I do. I am probably the most fertile infertile in that place.

In any case...I'm starting to feel that old familiar feeling. Like this cycle might actually go someplace. At the very least, I have my cat back.

It Feels Like the First Time. (well....not exactly)

Finally, I have a transfer date. August 2. Tomorrow is my baseline ultrasound, day 1, and I get to drop the dreaded Lu.pron down to 5. Which is a giant relief, because the headaches and the constant draggy feeling is driving me crazy. That's just how it is, though, the minute you can't stand it anymore you get to move one to....yippee....estrogen patches!!!! woo. hoo.

Can you tell that I am...shall we say....underwhelmed? unenthusiastic? under...something. I can remember that first time my husband and I "flew without a net". How excited I was! I couldn't sleep. I just lay there in the dark thinking...This could be it. I could be pregnant. We could have a BABY. O my frickin G.od we could have a BABY!!!

Well, not so much. If you have any of the handful of posts I've written you know that it didn't work out that way. But I was enthusiastic about my first round of IVF. I had that wonderful feeling of butterflies in my chest. What joy that was. What a wonderful feeling to have that hope back. I had just about forgotten that feeling entirely after having spent two years trying with nothing to show for it...not even a moment where I thought "maybe I could be pregnant". But, then that cycle didn't work...or the next one... and somewhere along the line I stopped having that loving feeling. I would have hope, but it was polluted with a huge pile of skepticism. Then I had the miscarriage and I totally didn't care anymore...

This cycle is a total bonus for me. It is a total freebie. It is the strangest feeling in the world, going through IVF as if it is happening to someone else. I'm not afraid....but I'm also not skeptical. I don't feel anger, or longing, or jealousy. But I also don't feel hopeful. I wasn't giddy when I got my big box of meds. There were no jitters when I gave myself that first shot. I am so glad that I have this chance...to try and conceive free and clear of doubts or expectations, like it's the very first time. But man, what I wouldn't give to have some of those first time butterflies back.

Chickenpig makes a bold decision...damn the consequences

First off, before I write this I want both of the people who read my blog to know that my husband and I are not independently wealthy but that we are incredibly lucky. Well...to qualify that...we are lucky in some things. We both had very bad luck in the father department. We apparently had terrible luck when it came to buying a house...until recently. And we did have the bad luck of having infertility, hubby with his crappy sperm and me with my gigantic fibroid. Where we do have the luck is with our insurance. And with my body's amazing ability to produce many healthy eggs in one go. We also have been very lucky to have two healthy pregnancies that resulted in three wonderful, healthy children. Very, very lucky.

I also am lucky enough to have frozen embryos. Four of the little totsicles. The only reason we have the totsicles is because in 2007 we thought our insurance luck had run out. We wanted to transfer the two remaining embryos we had in storage, and when we began the process we got a letter from our insurance company telling us that the meds we had ordered were not covered because we exceeded our lifetime quota for infertility. We knew that wasn't right because our insurance had no cap. With a little research and a lot of calls to HR we figured out that the company would be switching over to a lifetime cap of 3 cycles for IF in 2008, just a few months away, and that the insurance ppl had been getting ahead of themselves. The FET ended in a chemical pregnancy, and more than anything I wanted to try again, and I knew that it was now or never. We could scrape and afford the 3,550 price tag for a FET, but there was no way we would go into debt to do a fresh cycle when the insurance changed. So we bit the bullet and did a fresh cycle right before year's end....and got pregnant.

Now it is three years later, and I have been agonizing about what to do with them since AK was still a baby. Should I put them up for embryo adoption? Dispose of them? Donate them to science? And the storage fees are piling up. My husband is no help, either. I think he feels if he just ignores them the clinic will just dispose of them...no harm no foul. But he doesn't face the fact that he will still have to pay. And like I mentioned earlier...we're not independently wealthy.

I would like to be able to let go of these embryos, but I just can't. I hold my kids and I can't imagine having a brother or sister of theirs and giving it up.(Not that anyone would want them, considering the things that run in the family, like autism, mental illness, and addiction) I can't imagine destroying them, or giving them up for science. I am pro choice, and I have never believed that life begins at conception, and I would never dream of telling someone else what to do with her body. But I have had to admit to myself since my twins were thawed, transferred, and grown into babies before my eyes....there is something there. It is a potential something, four somethings, and I can't look myself in the eye and lie about it. I just can't. So I'm doing the only thing I can do, I'm going to transfer them.

I admit it is selfish. I admit that it's greedy. I admit that I'm crazy. But at least I am lucky. My husband's workplace dropped our insurance in 2008 for a plan that costs us more and gives us less coverage. But what it also gives us....that's right....three more cycles covered by insurance. 90% covered, after our deductible, not to exceed $750.

So...how much do you hate me now? Not completely, I hope, because I don't want to do this alone. My husband, the understanding soul that he is, has agreed to my logic, and bent before the sometimes overwhelming power of my will, but he is not happy about it. Perhaps he will relish the act of shooting hormones into the upper quadrant of my ample buttocks, and so enact his revenge? I don't know. What I do know is that my future has split into two distinct paths, one where I get pregnant and one where I don't...and I am incredibly over the moon excited about just having the chance.

Tonight, I will be injecting myself with 10 units of Lupron, for the 5th day in a row, and I'm loving every minute of it.