Progress has been made. My husband and I agreed on a wallpaper choice for the dining room*, and it is almost completely in primer (thanks mom!). This weekend I hope to have a board up in our kitchen with the hand forged hooks for the kids coats. This Sunday I plan to meet with my sister for lunch, and then go to the giant antique store in hopes of finding something I can buy with my Christmas present money. Soon I'm planning to tackle the paper issue by buying...something to help organize. Maybe 3 different somethings, for different groupings of paper? I'm obviously still working on that one.
I am taking baby steps forward day by day. But I feel like there are two of me moving forward side by side. There is the happier, more positive me...and then there is the depressed me. I seem to feel the sadness around the corner, even as I'm having a good time or focusing on something I have to do. I don't know why I thought that making a conscious effort to move forward would actually make the sadness go away. At least the sad me isn't up front and center all the time. The hardest part is thinking of doing the last cycle of IVF. It frightens me so much that the cycle will be the end, my absolute last chance. I hope that I am able to do it soon and get it out of the way so I will know if I have to grieve completely and move on...or if I get to buy another hook for the wall.
*This is Rosalie in blue.
Big hugs. Just take care of yourself, and know that you are in a lot of people's prayers.
ReplyDeleteYay to wall paper! What bright spark recommended that. You sound marginally better which is better than not better. Always thinking of you. xx
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are slowly starting to feel a little better. Everyone is different but it takes a long time. You will never forget about the pregnancy. You will always think "what if" and know that's ok.
ReplyDeleteI don't remember when I managed to stop counting weeks. I do know that it was probably way longer than you want to hear. You will get there, though. I felt guilty the first Saturday I realized I hadn't remembered.
ReplyDeleteGive yourself time before you do your final IVF. LEt your body and mind and heart heal. I know it feels intolerable to wait, but in the grand scheme, a little while extra won't matter.
Thinking if your always.
Ohhhh that place has such nice wallpaper!
ReplyDelete(hugs) I hope you continue to feel a little better each day.
I think what you have are also two griefs (grieves?) that are also side by side, which may be adding to the dividing effect emotionally. You are mourning the loss of the baby AND you are premourning the idea of that final IVF cycle. Of wanting the answer of whether it worked, but only if it's one answer and not the other. It's an impossibly difficult place you're in. Go easy on yourself. Healing will come in the future, and right now, you just need to feel what you're going to feel. And spend the Christmas money because anything that feels good in the moment is worth it right now.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
ReplyDeleteAlthough it's only been one day since my d&c, I can understand the feeling of two of you walking side by side. That's how I felt this week while at work. Putting on the "I'm just as normal as I ever was (or wasn't)" act for my coworkers and boss, but at home or in the car or anywhere else, feeling as if I could just burst into tears at any given moment.
I agree with Liz's comment up above. Even if you are feeling slightly better, it's got to be an improvement, right? I hope that you keep on feeling slightly better.
Regarding the wallpaper... love it! Which color of the Rosalie pattern will you be using?
And finally, thank you for your kind words on my blog this past week. I really appreciate your insight. Although I hate that you know all too well how I feel. <3
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I know for me I knew how far along I would've been until what would've been our due date.
ReplyDeleteI saw a quote soon after our loss that said "A bad day is not a relapse and a good day is not recovery." It helped me to understand that each day held it's own challenges and not to put too much pressure on myself when I wasn't as "good" as I thought I should be.
I hope it helps in some small way, know that we are thinking of you. xoxo
Sorry there is a part of you that is sad. Two weeks is nothing though...it's totally OK to still be sad. But glad you are trying to move forward in such a positive manner!
ReplyDeleteThe wallpaper you chose is so beautiful! I always want to wallpaper things, but my husband's always shot down the idea. If I have a space just for me in our next hours (eg an office) I'm totally doing it.
And in regards to your IVF cycle...I've always been afraid of reaching the end...it's a hard thing to contemplate...we all want so much for our stories to have happy endings, but seeing the ending as happy without a baby is a challenge at best, impossible at worst.
Lots and lots of hugs to you...
XOXO
Seems like you are making lots of progress with your house and keeping busy. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hope you keep feeling better.
ReplyDeleteThank you, guys, your support means so much.
ReplyDeleteChon, thanks for pushing the wallpaper. It helps to get finally inspired. We both like the blue Rosalie. It has lots of reds/oranges/greens and some blue as accents, so we will have fun choosing a color to go below the chair rail.
I am getting better. A little each day.
I also get a lot of hope from Mel's blog. The post on miscarriage gives me a little boost because it says that chances of getting pregnant go up after a D&C. I really hope that's true, it's a nice sliver of silver lining to hold onto.
thinking of you and wish I could give you a hug. little steps, right?! you/we can do it...it's all we can do.
ReplyDeleteThe fact you are even trying to move on and can lift your chin up just that little bit is remarkable. I think I wallowed in self pity for way too long. I came to the exact crossroads you are in...the LAST time. It felt so scary knowing this was it. In some ways, a little liberating to think about being done, but mostly such a heavy burden to carry. That last time I can't even say I had a lot of hope left...it was more going through the motions (I knew them all to well) and while I knew it wasn't good to mentally be so negative, I guess I couldn't handle it unless I kind of detached myself emotionally. That last time worked for me. I truly hope your story has a similar ending. But for now, just continue putting one foot in front of the other. You really are doing great. Time will help ease the sting. XX!
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