Last night while getting ready for bed I commented to my husband about how I was looking forward to getting another cycle underway because of how stuck I have been feeling lately, and he totally freaked the flying f@#k out! He started shouting at me about how he doesn't want this, that he agreed to try once (a lie...we went over this last time, he agreed to keep trying until it worked or the last two cycles were used up, whatever came first). He shouted at me that I'm ruining our family...that he is too old...that he doesn't want this. It came totally out of the blue for me, since I thought we had gone through all of this exact same shit the last time.
He hasn't supported me at all through this miscarriage. The only other person who knows about it is my mom, and only because I needed someone to watch the kids while my husband dropped me off for the D & C. (and no, he didn't stay with me). My mom's comment to me? "It's all for the best" and she hasn't mentioned it since. I didn't even get a hug. Thanks mom. I went upstairs to lie down after the procedure and cried my eyes out, and those were the last tears I've shed, until last night that is. I broke down into tears because I just can't stand the pain anymore, and I don't have anything to hold onto except my kids...which is exactly why I want another baby to begin with. Did my husband try to comfort me? Tell me that he has been hurting too? Offer suggestions to help? No. He told me that I was crying to emotionally manipulate him into agreeing to another cycle. THAT HE ALREADY AGREED TO DO.
I lost a baby. OUR baby. I wanted it so very, very much. I endured shots...that I gave myself, even the PLO, an egg retrieval, a transfer, the 2ww.... and the one thing that has kept me going is that I have one more shot.
I don't know what to do right now. I don't think I can love the person who stood there while I was at the lowest point in my life, watch me sob uncontrollably without comforting me, and blame me for manipulating him. In fact, I don't think I ever hated anyone as much as I hate him right now. I thought that I had reached my lowest point and that there was nowhere to go but up. I was wrong.
I am so sorry you are going through this...again. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are going through this. I hope that the dust will settle and you both will able to talk things out. I complete understand where you are are coming from with wanting to give it another try yet he dosent. Im in a similar boat.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you. I am so sorry that you are feeling so alone. I am so sorry that the two people that should support you the most don't. Hopefully you and your husband can work this out. Maybe he needs a littl bit more time. Have you thought of maybe going to talk to someone about these problems? It may help him to get a 3rd persons point of view. Atleast on how he hasn't been supportive to you during this. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteLet me first say how awful I feel for you right now. I know there is nothing I can say to help ease your hurt. I wish I could. I do know that every person reacts differently to lose and stress. Maybe your husband is in a very dark place right now. I really and truly hope you guys can talk through this and come to some sort of compromise. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetheart, there are no good words. The whole situation - from loss to lack of support - sucks so hard. I hope that writing this out brought some internal calm even if you have to still deal with the external chaos this morning. Sending love.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. Sending a hug from far away.
ReplyDeleteSorry that you are having to go through this. Hopefully he will come around. If he doesn't then I hope that you both can reach an understanding. Thinking of you and sending you love and understanding.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
ReplyDeleteI am at a loss for words. No one should have to suffer a miscarriage without some love and support.
I thought I was the only one who blogged and had a less than perfect partner when ttc. Everyone says how amazing and supportive their husbands are, and mine is far from it on this topic. I am genuinely sorry you fall into that category with me. When I miscarried at just over 7wks last preg, I took myself to hospital. He used our son as an excuse not to be with me. He went to work as normal, and left me puffy and red faced to take our son to kindy and answer questions as to why I had a week off work. Mine won't even get his swimmers tested after 3yrs ttc! How many fights do you think we have had over that one? Considering I've been tested indie out and I'm fine..
ReplyDeleteFrom reading this now, I have to say that I believe this male fckwit personality comes out in secondary infertility. Our men are content with the child/children they have. They believe it's easier not to keep fighting. Be happy with what we have. A mc is not experienced first hand by them. They can sleep at night. They don't know why we cry. They don't know how we loved something we never held.
So a word of warning to those with perfect husbands ttc#1, the men may not be as chirpy 2nd time round, or even 3rd, 4th if you are that lucky.
Sorry for the novel comment, but I can honestly share your feelings and empathize.
Oh my dear. I am so, so, so sorry. Hard times can really bring out the worst in people, especially in a marriage. I don't know what to say other than I'm here for you, in the limited way that I can be.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry honey. Sending you a big hug! Praying he some how understands a realizes what is going on and you can talk it through.
ReplyDelete*HUG* I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
ReplyDeleteUgh, hugs to you. This shit is the worst!!! Plus, it really takes a toll on our relationships. Maybe you guys can talk again after everyone settles down? He is probably hurting too. Men just show it differently!
ReplyDeleteIF puts the worst stress on a marriage. I highly recommend couple's therapy. It saved my marriage. I have the feeling your man just wants all this to disappear. Only it's not.
ReplyDeletePlease know you have our support and understanding.
maybe think twice about it and give yourself some time.. 4 kids alone would be very hard on you, and your children if your marriage didnt work out.. maybe just be happy with what you have.. 3 kids and a husband to grow old with.. some of us dont even have that..
ReplyDeleteYou are right. I don't want another child with someone who doesn't want one. My pain comes from the fact that he sat next to me just a couple of weeks before the miscarriage and said "I just want you to know that I'm on board with this whole 4th kid thing." And I made him promise me that when we agreed to do this, that he wasn't doing it under duress. It is the turn around that has me so hurt and confused. I don't even want to adopt a pet with someone who doesn't want one. But he had no right to say the things he said to me, and that's where I'm left right now.
DeleteOh, sweetie, I am so, so, so, so sorry. I can't imagine the pain you are in right now.
ReplyDeleteIF can be so hard on a marriage. When I had a miscarriage, everyone was great, but going through 2 drawn-out chemical pregnancies I got very little support from my husband/family (mom). I remember laying on the floor just hysterically sobbing over what was happening and my husband totally ignoring me. So incredibly painful. And one of our cycles when we got a terrible fertilization report and I was so upset and needed comfort and he just got in the car and left. Overall my husband has been pretty middle of the road with all of this...great support with some thing (our miscarriage, this pregnancy), totally not getting it/abandoning me with others. I feel your pain...
And know there are a lot of us out here that understand what a big deal a miscarriage is, and how badly you want another baby...
XOXO
Oh my gosh. I'm so very sorry. My husband isn't "warm and fuzzy" when it comes to comforting me, but we have never had it out like that. I think I would strangle him if he yelled at me like that. Follow your heart. I hope you can find more support, even if it is through blogging. It has been a tremendous help for me. Hang in there...
ReplyDeletePlease tell me someone didn't just write, "be thankful for what you already have".. Seriously..? I wouldn't care if someone had 10 kids. If their right was taken taken away due to infertility, they still need that support..
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure where she was going with that. I assumed she meant that I wouldn't want to tip the boat with an unwanted 4th child, which is correct. Spending my life with a man who says that I'm crying to manipulate him into having another kid? Not so cool. My husband is a great guy, normally, so I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and go with he doesn't want to try again because he's afraid of being hurt...but just because I have three kids and a husband that doesn't mean my life is rosey posey.
Delete*hugs* I'm so sorry for this extra pain you are going through. I hope writing this out and some sleep help you settle your mind a bit. And maybe it'll help your husband too. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteomg - my heart is breaking for you - I am so sorry you are going through this alone. This could be your husbands way of grieving - not that that excuses the behaviour - but sometimes we lash out when we are in pain :(
ReplyDeleteMy DH said many stupid things while we were TTC and during times when I was very upset... He always apologized later and we were able to rationally talk.
I can't even imagine my husband reacting like that. If that happened, I'd highly reconsider so many things about our married/my life.
ReplyDeleteIf you need to vent, you know we are all here to listen.
I'm wishing you some sort of peace and answers to get through your days, I know that life can really suck a major lemon.
xoxoxoxoxo.
We've certainly had times like that... huuuge arguments related to loss, IF and support (or lack of it).. and it's one of the reasons why I needed to take a break from blogging.. to regroup. I'm slowly catching up on your posts... and hope everything is OK b/n you soon xoxo
ReplyDelete