I am currently hiding upstairs away from my husband. I heated myself up some dinner and crept to the bedroom to eat it alone. I haven't spoken to him since we had our talk yesterday, and right now, I'm not sure when I'll want to talk to him.
I laid out everything on the table. I told him how I felt. And he doesn't care.
The heart of the matter is that the kids make me happy. I feel loved, needed, and appreciated. But not by him. My husband told me that I need to 'get a life'. I thought I had one. I told him that as much as he doesn't want a child, I want another child, and that somehow we have to compromise. He told me that he already compromised by letting me do a FET and that's it.
I respect his position. I do. But I am lonely and I'm sad. And I don't know how I'm going to look at the man who said 'no' to my dreams for the rest of my life. I have to pack up the dream I've held on to for two years now and say goodbye first. But it is so incredibly hard.
I never thought I would get another chance. I didn't think we had the insurance, and there was no way I would bankrupt us for another child. But then I was handed this gift of three more cycles. It is like being handed a winning lottery ticket, but my husband won't allow me to scratch it. I don't know where to go from here.
I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteThe first place you might want to consider going is to a counselor. What I'm learning from this process - which includes tough conversations with my hubby and times when neither of us want to look at each other, let alone talk to each other - is that our men are scared, too. They manifest it in different ways. They aren't quite sure they're scared, even. But they are. And sometimes their fear is rooted more in what they see infertility doing to their marriage. My hubby hates how sad and angry I get. The disappointments are almost too much for him to take because he hates seeing me so sad. Your hubby might - without realizing it - be trying to avoid another colossal meltdown of your relationship if things don't work out (I obviously don't know your relationship, but I know mine!). He might not realize that he's dashing your dreams and making you think twice about being with him your whole life. That's why I think you need a counselor. So you can better understand each other.
Try to find a counselor who specializes in infertility. I'm seeing one now and it makes quite a difference (over a regular old counselor).
Good luck. You love him. He loves you. Infertility just makes everything so ugly sometimes.
I am delurking to say I'm so sorry about your BFN, especially given the last shot, and also to say that I'm really sorry about the disagreement about whether or not you should try to have more kids. I don't know if you've already read this, but the blogger Swistle (http://swistle.blogspot.com) had what I thought was really good, insightful posts chronicling how she came to be at peace with the not-having of additional children when she and her husband were having the same disagreement.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I do want to say that I have family members where the "she wanted another kid, he didn't" compromise was for him to reluctantly acquiese to having another kid, and it led to a lot of really long term issues, even decades later. Since he didn't really feel engaged as a parent ('you get up with the baby, I didn't sign up for this', propagated throughout the parenting experience) and that in turn really destroyed the marital relationship. So, while I know that I am open to more kids than the spouse, seeing that situation unfold made me realize that even more than wanting X number of kids, I want my spouse to be fully on board with co-parenting the kids we do have. But, it's a horrid choice to make and I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this.
I wish I had some wise words, but I just don't. The only thing I can think is that fortune turns all the time, as do ways of thinking. This might be a temporary "no".
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are dealing with this and I wish I had something to say. Please know I am thinking of you and wish I could do something more.
ReplyDelete: ( I'm so sorry to read this. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but mainly I'll just say I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you are going through a tough time.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear of your difficult time. I hope you are able to work everything out - counseling may be a good idea. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and sending prayers your way!
I am so sorry. My hubby also wants to do only one IVF cycle (our insurance doesn't pay for any anyway). It took a long time for h im to come round (he is more in favour of adoption after two failed IUIs).
ReplyDeleteI can tell you what helped us. I tried to get interested in adoption and be more open to it. Just talking as if I accepted it helped him to come round to IVF. I don't know what to say to you, though, your situation is so different. Maybe prayer?! I dunno...
Sending lots of love and hugs your way.
Men can be so insensitive sometimes!
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