If I can make it there I'll make it anywhere.

NY NY is a happening town. My friend and I had a great time walking, eating, and trying to see some things that we hadn't seen before. The city is amazing in so many ways. The wildest thing to me is that I've seen New York so much on TV and in movies that walking around there feels a little unreal, like I've stepped through the looking glass. It's almost like if you reach out and tough the walls they'll be made of wood instead of stone. Totally surreal.

My friend and I took the train into the city, then took a subway downtown. We walked around Chinatown looking for a dumpling place she'd heard good things about. We found it, it was a tiny little place, and it was immaculate. I swear we could have eaten off the floor. The food was every bit as good as hoped for, and cheap too.

The weather was strange. Every time we came out of a place, the weather had changed. It was breezy and overcast when we popped into the restaurant, but sunny and hot when we came out. We went into the Asian market, and when we came out it was sprinkling. I swear, all day, different weather. On one occasion we came out of a gallery and it was pouring. Then after two minutes of waiting under an overhang, the sky cleared and it became sunny and hot again. Freaky.

And there were pregnant women everywhere. We went to a fabric and fiber store called Purl and it was filled with nesting pregnant women. Everywhere I turned there was a pregnant woman buying yarn to knit a blankie or fabric for a quilt. Even the woman who worked there that cut my fabric was hugely pregnant. I wanted to be pregnant too...so badly.

Where there wasn't pregnant women there were babies, and toddlers in strollers. Sometimes pregnant women with a friend with a baby in a stroller. I saw a man pick up a stroller with an infant in it, prop it on his hip, and walk up a flight of subway stairs. It made my heart stop for a minute. On the train back home there was a little girl who looked so much like my daughter it made my heart hurt. Then I chided myself for not being able to take a day away from my kids without being sad...and stole another peak at her.

We got back to the train station in CT and there were more pregnant women. The bathroom was full of them. I sat in the stall and remembered the last time I came to NY. I was having my period then, too, and I'll never forget the date because it would be my last period for over a year...the LMP the OB asks for every time you visit. By the next month I would be pregnant with the twins.

I had a great time, but I would have given anything to have been unable to go because I was pregnant. If not that, it would be great to be about to start another cycle. At least the giant boulder of sadness that was weighing me down has become nothing more than a pebble. It is amazing, though, how much a little pebble can rub you raw.

I've got to talk to my husband about trying again. I know it won't be easy. I know he'll probably say no. But I have to try. I just have to.