not okay

It seems like every hour I forget that I'm not pregnant anymore, and then something reminds me that I'm not and my world crashes in again. I'm so tired I wish I could have a cup of coffee...oh right..I can. That would be a lovely name if we have a girl...but we aren't having anything now. That yellow would be perfect for a nursery...oh damn it all to hell. How can my body be in such agony but my head and heart just refuse to get the message?

It doesn't help that my sense of smell is still hitting me full force. I opened up a magazine from its protective plastic yesterday and the inky-plastic smell nearly made me vomit. I can't stand to be in the kitchen, everything stinks to high heaven. I don't want to eat anything. After I've finally got something in front of me that I want, I eat two bites and feel nauseous. All of them wonderfully appropriate pregnancy symptoms...if you're PREGNANT. *sigh* If this fetus had to pack up and leave, couldn't it take all of its baggage with it??

I'm so tired and crampy. Everything hurts. Nothing like a miscarriage to remind me that my abdomen is a giant web of scar tissue attaching everything to everything else. One of these days my doctor is going to tell me to kick my uterus to the curb. Maybe today.

I just want to curl up in bed with a heating pad and a giant bottle of Adv.il.
I wish it was 100 years ago. I wish my doctor made house calls. I wouldn't have to take a shower and get dressed to sit in his waiting room for an hour in a room full of happily pregnant women. I wish I had a nanny. Someone who would get the boys ready for school and get them off of the bus. Someone who would play with my daughter so I wouldn't have her begging for me on the other side of the bathroom door while I'm bleeding and quietly crying my eyes out. I wish I had a maid or two who would clean me up and bring me what I need, a cook to make the meals, and a housekeeper who would tell me not to worry about a thing and who would efficiently take care of the household. I wish it wasn't Christmas time. I wish this was all behind me. But most of all I wish that I could see the bean's beating heart today and that this was all just a horribly bad dream. I wish.