NY NY is a happening town. My friend and I had a great time walking, eating, and trying to see some things that we hadn't seen before. The city is amazing in so many ways. The wildest thing to me is that I've seen New York so much on TV and in movies that walking around there feels a little unreal, like I've stepped through the looking glass. It's almost like if you reach out and tough the walls they'll be made of wood instead of stone. Totally surreal.
My friend and I took the train into the city, then took a subway downtown. We walked around Chinatown looking for a dumpling place she'd heard good things about. We found it, it was a tiny little place, and it was immaculate. I swear we could have eaten off the floor. The food was every bit as good as hoped for, and cheap too.
The weather was strange. Every time we came out of a place, the weather had changed. It was breezy and overcast when we popped into the restaurant, but sunny and hot when we came out. We went into the Asian market, and when we came out it was sprinkling. I swear, all day, different weather. On one occasion we came out of a gallery and it was pouring. Then after two minutes of waiting under an overhang, the sky cleared and it became sunny and hot again. Freaky.
And there were pregnant women everywhere. We went to a fabric and fiber store called Purl and it was filled with nesting pregnant women. Everywhere I turned there was a pregnant woman buying yarn to knit a blankie or fabric for a quilt. Even the woman who worked there that cut my fabric was hugely pregnant. I wanted to be pregnant too...so badly.
Where there wasn't pregnant women there were babies, and toddlers in strollers. Sometimes pregnant women with a friend with a baby in a stroller. I saw a man pick up a stroller with an infant in it, prop it on his hip, and walk up a flight of subway stairs. It made my heart stop for a minute. On the train back home there was a little girl who looked so much like my daughter it made my heart hurt. Then I chided myself for not being able to take a day away from my kids without being sad...and stole another peak at her.
We got back to the train station in CT and there were more pregnant women. The bathroom was full of them. I sat in the stall and remembered the last time I came to NY. I was having my period then, too, and I'll never forget the date because it would be my last period for over a year...the LMP the OB asks for every time you visit. By the next month I would be pregnant with the twins.
I had a great time, but I would have given anything to have been unable to go because I was pregnant. If not that, it would be great to be about to start another cycle. At least the giant boulder of sadness that was weighing me down has become nothing more than a pebble. It is amazing, though, how much a little pebble can rub you raw.
I've got to talk to my husband about trying again. I know it won't be easy. I know he'll probably say no. But I have to try. I just have to.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Bad things come in threes
First off, my period. It sucks ass. It feels like my ute is trying to drop out of my body, and I'm fine with that. Go...just go. If I'm not going to be using you anymore, you might as well get out of here. Don't let the cervix hit you on the way out. My boobs hurt, my head hurts, my gut hurts, I feel nauseous and I'm having hot flashes. It's like my body is trying to be pregnant and go through menopause at the same time.
Second, my glasses broke. The temple snapped off. I am legally blind in one eye, and the other is quite crappy, so I need glasses to see everything. I spent the last two days super gluing the things together and trying to see out of a lens that was smeared with the stuff (and no, nail polish remover didn't get the glue off. bleh) I ended up going to the mall twice to get a new pair. Now I have a sparkly new pair...Yeah! But the left eye is KILLING me. I'm sure the doctor didn't care for the fact that I CAN'T SEE OUT OF MY LEFT EYE. No bumping up of the prescription will help. Trying to correct it will either make me see double and/or give me splitting headaches. If my eye doesn't adjust within a couple of days, that means I will have to go back. I'm not happy.
Third on the list, the minivan is seriously malfunctioning. On the way to the mall yesterday it overheated two times, requiring massive amounts of coolant being thrown into it that was purchased at two separate roadside gas stations. There was no puddles of coolant anywhere, but the back of the van was awash in oily coolant residue. This has led my husband to believe that the van has blown a head gasket. I am not happy about this. I am in fact seething with resentment. I didn't want to drop around 400 dollars for an eye doctor's appointment and a pair of glasses,( which in some weird twist is NOT covered by our insurance, so costs more than our last round of assisted reproduction). I do not want to drop over 600 fat ones to fix the van. I want to try to convince my husband to let me do another round of IVF, which now that our deductible has been met should be cheap. But with these expenses piling up, my husband is just that more unlikely to meet me half way on this...heck he wasn't likely to begin with. These unexpected expenses just leave me with no wiggle room at all.
On a good note, I am getting away with a friend to NYC on Sunday. Here's to hoping that my left eye and my ute start to cooperate with the rest of my body instead of causing me pain. I'm now going to curl up around a heating pad with my eyes closed for a while. Maybe next time I post I won't be feeling so damned sorry for myself. If I am, feel free to kick me in the ass.
Second, my glasses broke. The temple snapped off. I am legally blind in one eye, and the other is quite crappy, so I need glasses to see everything. I spent the last two days super gluing the things together and trying to see out of a lens that was smeared with the stuff (and no, nail polish remover didn't get the glue off. bleh) I ended up going to the mall twice to get a new pair. Now I have a sparkly new pair...Yeah! But the left eye is KILLING me. I'm sure the doctor didn't care for the fact that I CAN'T SEE OUT OF MY LEFT EYE. No bumping up of the prescription will help. Trying to correct it will either make me see double and/or give me splitting headaches. If my eye doesn't adjust within a couple of days, that means I will have to go back. I'm not happy.
Third on the list, the minivan is seriously malfunctioning. On the way to the mall yesterday it overheated two times, requiring massive amounts of coolant being thrown into it that was purchased at two separate roadside gas stations. There was no puddles of coolant anywhere, but the back of the van was awash in oily coolant residue. This has led my husband to believe that the van has blown a head gasket. I am not happy about this. I am in fact seething with resentment. I didn't want to drop around 400 dollars for an eye doctor's appointment and a pair of glasses,( which in some weird twist is NOT covered by our insurance, so costs more than our last round of assisted reproduction). I do not want to drop over 600 fat ones to fix the van. I want to try to convince my husband to let me do another round of IVF, which now that our deductible has been met should be cheap. But with these expenses piling up, my husband is just that more unlikely to meet me half way on this...heck he wasn't likely to begin with. These unexpected expenses just leave me with no wiggle room at all.
On a good note, I am getting away with a friend to NYC on Sunday. Here's to hoping that my left eye and my ute start to cooperate with the rest of my body instead of causing me pain. I'm now going to curl up around a heating pad with my eyes closed for a while. Maybe next time I post I won't be feeling so damned sorry for myself. If I am, feel free to kick me in the ass.
Monday, August 15, 2011
broken
I woke up this morning after having a bad dream that the clinic hadn't actually put my embryos in culture but had transferred them by mistake into someone else. I opened my eyes to see my son in front of me holding his precious balloon from the party in his hand. It had had flown out of his hands and been thrashed to bits by the ceiling fan, and his face looked every bit as sad and broken as I felt. "Can I plea ea ea ease have another one?" he sobbed. I held him in my arms and said "Of course."
Since Saturday that's all I've wanted. Another chance. All Sunday morning I ran about cleaning in a fog of misery. I threw out the trash that had the pregnancy tests and estrogen patches and cried inside. I took AK's cradle out of the parlor and put it, with baby doll X, back into her room and tried not to look at it lying there in the little outfit I had bought...hoping I would get to use it, and I cried inside. I put piles of flotsam and jetsam in the back room and tried not to look around and imagine it as the nursery, and failed, and cried some more...inside. When the party started it was like opposite day for me. Where I used to walk around with a hidden bubble of happiness and hope, I instead walked around with a bubble of sadness in my gut. I would be having a great time and then suddenly 'pop' something inside would break a little and I would feel broken and said, while still trying to smile.
Today I felt better, most of the time, but every once in a while a feeling sort of like squirrels running around in my gut came out of nowhere. All I could think was "I am so unhappy...what can I do what can I do what can I do?" but I had no answers. Then my husband came home so I could take AK to her annual well visit, and the clinic called. My husband answered the phone and handed it to me...and the embryos didn't make it to freeze. I felt like a giant hole had opened up at my feet. The nurse was asking me if I planned to try another cycle, or if it was just a "use up the embryos kind of thing" and my husband kept shaking his head NO NO NO. I mumbled something about talking it over and hung up the phone. I made it through the doctor's visit, AK was a great, and through taking the kids through the balloon store, but all the way home my heart kept dropping. I couldn't look at my husband, I couldn't open my mouth. I didn't want to start crying.
I made it upstairs. I blocked the bedroom door. And I haven't stopped crying since. I can see the picture of my embryos in my mind. They look so beautiful, the cells like perfect soap bubbles...popping one by one. And I just want someone to tell me I can get another one. Is that too much to ask? I guess it is.
Since Saturday that's all I've wanted. Another chance. All Sunday morning I ran about cleaning in a fog of misery. I threw out the trash that had the pregnancy tests and estrogen patches and cried inside. I took AK's cradle out of the parlor and put it, with baby doll X, back into her room and tried not to look at it lying there in the little outfit I had bought...hoping I would get to use it, and I cried inside. I put piles of flotsam and jetsam in the back room and tried not to look around and imagine it as the nursery, and failed, and cried some more...inside. When the party started it was like opposite day for me. Where I used to walk around with a hidden bubble of happiness and hope, I instead walked around with a bubble of sadness in my gut. I would be having a great time and then suddenly 'pop' something inside would break a little and I would feel broken and said, while still trying to smile.
Today I felt better, most of the time, but every once in a while a feeling sort of like squirrels running around in my gut came out of nowhere. All I could think was "I am so unhappy...what can I do what can I do what can I do?" but I had no answers. Then my husband came home so I could take AK to her annual well visit, and the clinic called. My husband answered the phone and handed it to me...and the embryos didn't make it to freeze. I felt like a giant hole had opened up at my feet. The nurse was asking me if I planned to try another cycle, or if it was just a "use up the embryos kind of thing" and my husband kept shaking his head NO NO NO. I mumbled something about talking it over and hung up the phone. I made it through the doctor's visit, AK was a great, and through taking the kids through the balloon store, but all the way home my heart kept dropping. I couldn't look at my husband, I couldn't open my mouth. I didn't want to start crying.
I made it upstairs. I blocked the bedroom door. And I haven't stopped crying since. I can see the picture of my embryos in my mind. They look so beautiful, the cells like perfect soap bubbles...popping one by one. And I just want someone to tell me I can get another one. Is that too much to ask? I guess it is.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
no.
BFN for me.
I don't know where I'm going from here. I still don't know if I have a blast or not from the two remaining embryos they put in culture.
I'm feeling sad and sick at heart. But I have a cold beer in my hand, and I'm crazy busy trying to get the house clean for tomorrow's party. I'll try to find some time to have a good cry later. At least this crazy 2ww is over.
I don't know where I'm going from here. I still don't know if I have a blast or not from the two remaining embryos they put in culture.
I'm feeling sad and sick at heart. But I have a cold beer in my hand, and I'm crazy busy trying to get the house clean for tomorrow's party. I'll try to find some time to have a good cry later. At least this crazy 2ww is over.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Pee, trees, and bees
Thank you Jo for pointing me to peeonastick.com. Not only did I find that I was using an unreliable test, but I learned that it's sensitivity is only 25. With my usually low beta numbers and bad doubling times, it is unlikely that I would see a positive result until my actual beta day. So, back to the drawing board.
In other news...I've got bees! As in honeybees, a whole buzzing nest of honeybees. We have a very large 200 year old black walnut in our backyard that has three trunks branching out of a single base. Or I should say, had three trunks. Now it has only two. The third is lying on the ground right now. The poor tree is sickly :( Since the base has three trunks, it has left an opening in the center, allowing moisture and insects to wreck havoc on two of the three trunks. My husband and I were in the process of trying to figure out what to do about it, cut it down? call a tree service? put it up for auction on ebay? when one of the trunks came crashing to the ground three days ago.
While playing in the backyard with the kids, I noticed a low hum, like an ac unit running in the background. Flying around a hole in the tree that would have normally been at least 20 feet in the air, was a squadron of bees...or wasps....I wasn't sure. In any case, I knew that no one was going to be going near that tree with a chainsaw anytime soon.
My husband asked questions of some guys at work, and it turns out somebody knew a guy who knew a guy who deals with honey bees. So...last night D went out and took some pictures and emailed them to the bee dude, who is now coming here on Saturday to do a bee nest-ectomy. I'm hoping that I can at least get a chunk of honey comb out of the deal. At least the bees will be safe in a new home. Honeybees have been falling prey to some kind of mite or fungus that is killing them off in droves, and from the pictures we took it appears that this hive is miraculously healthy! (when they are sick a white fuzz appears on their faces, and none of the bees in the picture appear to be afflicted according to bee dude). Yeah! The bees will have a new home and we'll be safe to saw to our hearts' content.
In other news...I've got bees! As in honeybees, a whole buzzing nest of honeybees. We have a very large 200 year old black walnut in our backyard that has three trunks branching out of a single base. Or I should say, had three trunks. Now it has only two. The third is lying on the ground right now. The poor tree is sickly :( Since the base has three trunks, it has left an opening in the center, allowing moisture and insects to wreck havoc on two of the three trunks. My husband and I were in the process of trying to figure out what to do about it, cut it down? call a tree service? put it up for auction on ebay? when one of the trunks came crashing to the ground three days ago.
While playing in the backyard with the kids, I noticed a low hum, like an ac unit running in the background. Flying around a hole in the tree that would have normally been at least 20 feet in the air, was a squadron of bees...or wasps....I wasn't sure. In any case, I knew that no one was going to be going near that tree with a chainsaw anytime soon.
My husband asked questions of some guys at work, and it turns out somebody knew a guy who knew a guy who deals with honey bees. So...last night D went out and took some pictures and emailed them to the bee dude, who is now coming here on Saturday to do a bee nest-ectomy. I'm hoping that I can at least get a chunk of honey comb out of the deal. At least the bees will be safe in a new home. Honeybees have been falling prey to some kind of mite or fungus that is killing them off in droves, and from the pictures we took it appears that this hive is miraculously healthy! (when they are sick a white fuzz appears on their faces, and none of the bees in the picture appear to be afflicted according to bee dude). Yeah! The bees will have a new home and we'll be safe to saw to our hearts' content.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...
Thank you everyone for helping me step off the edge. This 2ww has been driving me crazy since before it even started, and I knew it would. I have never POAS before, and obviously for a good reason, because I can't handle it.
I am usually very zen during the 2ww. I walk around with a little bubble of hope in my chest. I enjoy thinking to myself that 'right now I could be pregnant'. This time around though, I am just full of anxiety. The hope doesn't feel good, it feels like a lie I'm telling myself. I don't feel good about any of it. I guess I was hoping that I would get a faint BFP and put my mind at ease, although I knew reading the packaging how unlikely it was that I would see one. Maybe I'm just sabotaging myself? If so, it is probably because I would rather feel sad than nervous, if it makes any sense.
The good news is that it is Thursday. I only have tomorrow and Saturday to go, and they will be busy days. Sunday is my birthday, and I will be surrounded by friends and family in my new home, and if I get that BFN that I think I'll be getting, I'll be able to drink and celebrate my birthday. Even if my smile won't be as bright as it could be. And maybe, just maybe, I am wrong. At the very least, some of my anxiety is starting to fade and to become acceptance.
In the meantime, do any of you pee stick people know how good the test I took was? It was a CVS brand with a plus or negative sign instead of two lines. Any information regarding it's usefulness or lack thereof would be appreciated. (I know I should have gone with Jo's suggestion of using the Equate from Wal.mart, but my hubby bought it).
I am usually very zen during the 2ww. I walk around with a little bubble of hope in my chest. I enjoy thinking to myself that 'right now I could be pregnant'. This time around though, I am just full of anxiety. The hope doesn't feel good, it feels like a lie I'm telling myself. I don't feel good about any of it. I guess I was hoping that I would get a faint BFP and put my mind at ease, although I knew reading the packaging how unlikely it was that I would see one. Maybe I'm just sabotaging myself? If so, it is probably because I would rather feel sad than nervous, if it makes any sense.
The good news is that it is Thursday. I only have tomorrow and Saturday to go, and they will be busy days. Sunday is my birthday, and I will be surrounded by friends and family in my new home, and if I get that BFN that I think I'll be getting, I'll be able to drink and celebrate my birthday. Even if my smile won't be as bright as it could be. And maybe, just maybe, I am wrong. At the very least, some of my anxiety is starting to fade and to become acceptance.
In the meantime, do any of you pee stick people know how good the test I took was? It was a CVS brand with a plus or negative sign instead of two lines. Any information regarding it's usefulness or lack thereof would be appreciated. (I know I should have gone with Jo's suggestion of using the Equate from Wal.mart, but my hubby bought it).
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
BFN?????
8dp3dt I POAS and got a negative. It is still too early to give up hope, but I'm wishing that I hadn't caved. I will keep the second test in the pack to take on Saturday morning to make the wait easier. I'm feeling very sad, though, and defeated.
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