Yesterday I FINALLY got in for my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. Everything looked great, and I was all on track to start stims. Then I waltzed out the door without having my blood drawn. ARG! I can't believe I did that. So I had to go to the local lab bright and early today instead. Hopefully I will be able to start stims today. Geez Louise it's taking me forever to get started this cycle. Can you tell that subconsciously I'm dragging my feet? Because I think I am. Because if this cycle doesn't start...then it can't come to a painful end. I have become just a tad bit fatalistic about the whole thing. The way I see it, there are countless ways that this cycle can end badly, and only one way for it to end well.
When I started this last round of ttc, I was naively ignorant of the consequences. I wanted another baby, we had health insurance....I figured I was 'playing with house money'. This baby would be a total bonus, the icing on an already rich and wonderful cake. I thought I had nothing to lose. What did I know? I lost a piece of my heart. I was overjoyed to have three more chances for a baby, and if I hadn't gotten pregnant and miscarried, I would still be excited this last cycle. But the miscarriage sucked all the hope and all of the excitement of trying right out of me. I am still trying to put the pieces of my heart back in place, and not doing the greatest job of it, I have to say.
Good thing my heart doesn't talk to my uterus and ovaries, and that being sad, scared, and heartbroken hasn't kept me from getting pregnant in the past. There are icebergs in the water, but I'm still moving ahead.
Keeping my fingers crossed that this cycle has a wonderful ending. I think the reason I put off our 2nd and final ivf is because im scared of failure again.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Don't let my nerves affect you. Be brave! :)
Delete"The way I see it, there are countless ways that this cycle can end badly, and only one way for it to end well."
ReplyDeleteGawd...if that isn't SO true.
If only it weren't. :(
DeleteSuch cute socks! Loosing a pregnancy is so heartbreaking. It is only natural that you would be scared to try again. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteThey are cute! And so soft too.
DeleteIt is, and I hadn't really thought of that particular possibility before I started. Thanks for your support.
So so glad you liked the socks (nothing like a warm pair of socks for our unpredictable New England weather!) I hope they bring you good luck on your upcoming cyce. I will be thinking of you and hope we both get good news at the end of the month :)
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you every time I give myself a shot. You can do it! Best of luck to you, too.
DeleteHugs to you. I have tons of hope for you and this cycle. :)
ReplyDeleteBTW I posted about your hats today on my blog (with pics)... :)
Hang in there...
XO
I'm glad you have hope. What will be will be :)
DeleteI want to say something bubbly to cheer you up but I just want to give you a massive hug instead. Fingers crossed for this cycle!
ReplyDeleteThank You! I think it is mostly the Lupron talking. I'll feel more positive as the cycle progresses...maybe.
DeleteThe icebergs make it hard to go anywhere ... but I'm glad you're testing the waters. Hang in there ... xo
ReplyDeleteI've got the Titanic on the brain. I'm not sure if that's a good sign...
DeleteHmm...these feelings seem oddly familiar...
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm thinking of you. XXX
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of Hugz and love! xoxo
ReplyDeleteThank you. Same to you!
DeleteFingers and toes crossed for you.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, these feelings seem very, very familiar.
Thank You. And those feelings are far too familiar for comfort, aren't they? If only they were less common.
DeleteI'm thinking of you! I think it's only natural to try to protect yourself after suffering such a hard loss, but you are so brave to try again. Stay brave and take it one day at a time. I'll be praying for that one amazing outcome!
ReplyDeleteThank You! I appreciate all the prayers I get :)
DeleteKnow what you mean... I was sad, but also a little bit relieved, the other day when our cycle was delayed and later realised that maybe this relief was about wanting to delay the possible bad news if it doesn't work. Thinking of you as you start this cycle... FXd for you all the way xoxo
ReplyDeletePS. I've gone public again... so will hopefully be easier to follow :) xo
I haven't had any problems following you :) And I've got everything crossed for you too. XO.
Delete