* WARNING* If you can't handle hearing a parent complain, THIS IS NOT FOR YOU* (you totally rock if you hear Eddie Vedder in your head when you read THIS IS NOT FOR YOU!) I have about four or five different posts in the queue that I would like to write. But writing a thought provoking post requires actual THOUGHT...and I've got nothing. Well, not exactly nothing. I've had lots of thoughts on various issues, I thought about responses to the questions I was tagged with, but they flew out of my head somewhere. I've had lots of thoughts on PAIL vrs the ALI community, and when I've had a minute to read other people's blogs and comment I've done so. I had a blog post for PAIL about breastfeeding just about written in my head, but I think I've missed the deadline now. I'm not sure...but my thoughts are gone anyway.
The truth is that I have a small window in the evening when I normally write. It was from around 6 or so until 7:30 ish most weekdays. My husband has been coming home from work, bathing the kids and making them dinner. I usually do homework with the boys and clean the bathtub before quietly retreating the relatively peaceful quiet of our bedroom. But for some unknown reason, this time has started to shrink and decay. Yesterday my DH didn't make it home from work until almost 7. When I finally got upstairs, my brain was too fried and I ended up knitting instead for about 15 minutes. Not only has the amount of time shrunk, but the quality of the time as well. More often than not, my husband has had at least one kid 'slip under the radar' and end up in our bed keeping me company.Don't get me wrong, more often than not it is a nice time to connect with the boys, but sometimes I just need my space. It happened tonight, but when NB started to pester me about what I was writing I kindly brought him downstairs and put on Thomas. I'm going to have to find some other time, or some other place, to blog if I'm ever going to write anything interesting again.
The truth is, I feel burnt out. The boredom of the daily routine is grinding me down. The weariness of being repeatedly sad is grinding me down. These past couple of weeks I have been having a hard time hearing my inner voice. This is the part about parenting that really sucks. Being a parent doesn't suck, and the kids never do. It's all the brain/time/soul sucking stuff around it that does. It is the same brain/time/soul sucking stuff that kills you when you're not a parent...but you can't put it off because it's not for you. When we didn't have kids, I didn't cook, because my husband likes to. I didn't have to step into a grocery store. If my husband didn't feel like shopping or cooking, we just went out to eat. I would eat peanut butter and sandwiches every day if there was nothing in the house. Now I'm always cooking and grocery shopping...and I can't put into words how much I hate it. But...the kids need to eat well. My boys also can't aim worth a damn. Seriously. I have to clean both toilets almost every single day. That's ok...I write a lot of blog posts in my head while cleaning toilets. It's just that by the time I get to sit down and actually write.? Well....you've all seen the result. To make a crappy post short, my brain needs a vacation. It isn't that I can't make the time, it's just that I don't have the mental space.
On the ttc front, for anyone that's still following along: I had to go back to the lab on Monday because I hadn't ovulated on Friday. I was told Monday afternoon that I had ovulated too recently to start the Lupron yet, but I have been scheduled to start it on Saturday. Just the first hiccup in this cycle, and probably not the last.
I know what you mean about needing your own space something.... even just a quiet moment to refresh and recharge - precious time :) Sorry that there's been a hiccup... I encountered one today too... why can't this ART thing be easier :( Thinking of you xoxo
ReplyDeleteIt gets better. My husband told me that his company wants to send him to Pearl Harbor to work for at least 2-3 months. Single parenting will rot whatever brain I have left.
DeleteEven though I don't have children, I can relate about needing some space. And it sucks that your's is slowly decaying. Years ago, I babysat for a woman going through the same thing. Her way of dealing with it was to hire me for a couple of hours once a week. The instructions were that enough though she was in the house, everyone was to pretend she was not around. The job was perfect for me, as it gave me some training working with small children plus I really enjoyed the kids. Wishing you the best as you prepare for the next cycle.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how women who work from home do it, honestly, unless they have help or send the little ones to daycare. My shrinking time is directly related to infertility. If I have to get my blood drawn in the AM, hubby is late to work, ergo he comes home late = brain drain. Thanks for the good wishes!
DeleteThanks so much for posting this. I have moments when I am so terrified of parenting because, while I know it will be very difficult, having never done it I don't know *what* about it will be difficult. Will it just be feeling constantly exhausted? Feeling inadequate or clueless about what to do? Feeling like you never have a moment to yourself? All of the above? It's the fear of the unknown that makes me fear parenting.
ReplyDeleteThis is the only post that has tried to explain what it is about parenting that's hard. And I appreciate it : )
I think if we all had housekeepers, or cooks, or personal shoppers or whatever we could enjoy just being parents.
DeleteI can absolutely understand what you are saying about the boredom of day to day life. I find myself getting caught in that place. So you will start your Lupron this Saturday?
ReplyDeleteIt sometimes feels like "Groundhog Day" around here.
DeleteYup, 10 units on Saturday.
Yep. My brain suck is laundry. It's mind numbing AND never-freaking-ending. (Which reminds me. I never changed over the sheets from the washer into the dryer this morning. No joke, this will make the THIRD TIME I HAVE WASHED THEM because I can't stay on top of making sure they get into the dryer. Bah.)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I keep hearing that you need space for you. I have been trying to steal my time in my runs. But you need a quiet corner to blog. Maybe outside the house.
You're definitely not alone.
xoxo
HA! I used to do that all the time. Then the funky smell would set in and I couldn't get rid of it. Now my laundry closet is right next to my kitchen, so I don't forget stuff in the washer.
DeleteThis is perfect: "Being a parent doesn't suck, and the kids never do. It's all the brain/time/soul sucking stuff around it that does."
ReplyDeleteIt's like the grading and form-filling-out side of teaching. I loved doing lesson plans, I loved being in front of the students, I loved what is overall considered "teaching." But the grading is draining. It has to get done, but it's a time suck and a drain.
Exactly!!!
DeleteYup routine while efficient for the most part can be a real brain drainer. It seems like the more I do try to make "me time" the less of it I get. One day I'll get back to painting water colors and working on my novel. All has been on hold for 5 years and I don't even have kids!
ReplyDeleteI hope you get that time. Part of the problem is when I do get downtime, there are so many things waiting that I would like to do. Read that book I've been waiting to read, watch that show/movie I've been waiting to see, knit, blog, the list piles up like everything else.
DeleteIt's not always like this. I'm sure to get my 'me' time back again. Even if it's just an hour here and there.
ReplyDeleteYes, it is. He was gone from April through July last year, and the year before that he was gone for just the month of July. It really sucks. The upside is that the company will pay to fly me to Hawaii, or for him to fly home, once a month.
Off topic, but re: the IVF study, she can break it up into several smaller phone conversations, too. : )
ReplyDeleteI will look into it, definitely.
Delete(((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThanks for the hugs :) Right back at ya.
DeleteSorry about your personal time shrinking. :(
ReplyDeleteSo excited for your next cycle to start!
Thanks. I'm excited too!
DeleteAre you living in my head? Because this is exactly what I've been thinking lately. I'm weary. Sick of the toilet cleaning, and the laundry, and the cooking, and the never ending cycle of it all. It's soul-sucking for me lately. Thanks for making me feel a little less alone.
ReplyDeleteYou're not! I really enjoy reading your recipes, btw. Even though I wouldn't know how to make half of them in an edible fashion.
DeleteDay to day can really suck the life out of you. I hope you find some more time for you to enjoy with yourself.
ReplyDeleteI've been knitting every second a get a minute, but it has been difficult even to get those minutes. K's babies were born the other day, so I'm late!
Delete