Last year I was dreading Valentines Day. My husband and I were going out to a romantic local restaurant that serves a fixed menu of delicious gourmet food made only with local ingredients. I was dreading it, because I had been working up my nerve to ask my husband about using our remaining frozen embryos. I didn't do it. We were having a wonderful time, and I knew he would probably get angry at me just for asking. So I wasted another month...and another.
This year I'm dreading Valentine's Day. I don't want to be reminded that I'm basically at the same exact place I was last year...wanting a baby and not being able to move forward. Except that now my children are another year older, and my daughter is convinced that she wants a little brother or sister more than ever. Plus, I'm not exactly feeling romantic towards my husband these days.
It's another Friday. I've got no belly pics to show, no scan results, no follicle counts, no fertilization reports. But I'm making progress...really I am. I don't have ultrasound pictures to share, but I do have something.
Behold, my entry way. You will notice that I have hooks for jackets, and I have a system for paper...I'm not buried in junk mail and mittens!
And look...I've got wallpaper. Sort of.
And I bought a couple of flowers to take care of and brighten my day:
All of it great progress. I'm moving forward. But then there is this:
The back bedroom. Sometimes known as "where dreams go to die" when I'm in a very bad mood. My future studio or a great guest room when I'm feeling better. And the future nursery, when I'm feeling hopeful.And then there's this:
My daughter and her twin brother and sister. A boy and a girl she tells me. And no, she is NOT the mommy, I am. Do you want to know why it isn't always better to have children to hold when you've had a miscarriage? This is it...in a nutshell.
Oh, Chick, I am so sorry. I remember when I counted every Saturday. Sometimes, I wouldn't think about it being a Saturday immediately when I woke up. Then it would hit me sometime during the day. ANd I realize I am not one more week pregnant. The only thing I can tell you is that I promise you will at some point forget to track a Friday. And then you'll remember that you forgot to track, and you'll feel both sad and relieved.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you.
Hey, this is a happy post! I've got flowers! And my husband finally put up the hooks! :) Things are looking up :)
Delete(hugs)
ReplyDeleteUhg. Yeah. Exactly. That last picture kills me. Monkey doesn't ask for a baby brother or sister. He just tried to get in the car with our friends and their kids. Because he wants friends to live with.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the fact that she has gone from one baby to two, a boy and a girl means something? I did have a dream that I had boy/girl twins a couple of weeks ago...
DeleteAnd uhg is right. That huts.
DeleteYour nursery looks kinda like mine. Except for the fact that your crib is gorgeous and not put together yet. Mine's filled with old clothes and books ha!
ReplyDeleteAnd about your twin dream...you'd have one frickin' epic pregnancy, that's for sure. People often say children have a sixth sense...I hope your daughter is foreseeing things. Who know right? Impossible is nothing.
Thanks, it is a nice crib. And it was put together... in my daughter's room. Yes, she was in a crib until she was 3.
DeleteDo you see the red chair on the floor? That was in her room until a couple of days ago. She totally took the whole thing apart. Little minx :)
Oh my, we often don't think of it like that. Most often we feel that at least so and so has a child to hug but its truly not like that at all. We have to realize that you feel the hurt just as much as if you didn't have a child too and that your children will remind you of what you lost.
ReplyDeleteWishing I could hug you. Sorry I'm an emotional mess today.
I'm sorry you're a mess.
DeleteNot only does my daughter remind me of why I want another baby so badly, she begs me to play with her baby dolls and help her change and feed them. It is so hard sometimes...but I am her only playmate most of the time.
Hugs to you my dear. Glad you have some little flowers to brighten your day.
ReplyDeleteWow girl. Thank you for sharing those pictures with us. We don't have children yet but I can see this from your point of view now too. There's certainly NOTHING easy about a miscarriage no matter if you have children already or not. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I pray that you find some comfort and peace - know that we're here for you.
ReplyDeleteI have only seen the outside and those pics, but I love your house! I am glad you are making progress!
ReplyDeleteThank You! My house is quite a character all to itself, and possibly haunted to boot. Fixing it up keeps my mind off of all IF related crap. :)
DeleteDamn u woman! You write straight from my heart! Only you write a lot nicer than me.. If I had read this post earlier than today, I would have burst out crying. Realizing that you failed again sux arse. Ok, so I still want to cry about this post, but I'm on a packed train, and I'd look like a mad woman.
ReplyDeleteWhen my son discovered we had lost out last baby, he told me that it's ok, I can just get another one. Such innocent little words. I'd cry on the toilet, and pass my little heart. And I remember that sometimes the red wouldn't flush in one go, and he'd go to the toilet and say, "oh mum you are still sick". Gives me tears now, and that was 2yrs ago this July.
Thank you for helping everyone understand that it is hard for secondary infertiles too. We do have our place here, and "at least you have one" doesn't cut it.
No, it doesn't. My first miscarriage before I had my kids was bad because I didn't know if it would ever work. This last one was harder because I know what I'll be missing. Either way...miscarriages suck balls.
DeleteI've been thinking a lot about my last miscarriage ... it was right around Valentine's Day, 3 years ago, after which I spent another year and change in the hell of unexplained secondary infertility. This time *last* year I had just given birth to my daughter. My other miscarriages were both in January ... so this whole time of year is fraught with a mix of emotions for me. At some point, I'm going to write about it, but this post does a beautiful job of expressing how the beauty and the joy and the pain are all mixed together, especially if you have one child and are still TTC. Thanks for being so present at my blog lately ... finally added myself to yours, and I am now your 55th follower. That sounds lucky, since I like the number 5. Maybe it'll be lucky for you.
ReplyDelete*hug*
I wrote a post about how dates keep going in a circle. November/December are the months for me. I've gotten pregnant in October twice, and miscarried both of them...one in November and one in December. I've gotten pregnant in November, and given birth in November. I guess our bodies get in a rut? It's just weird how that happens.
Delete10 is my lucky number. so 5 + 5?? Works for me :)