Today is not a good day. It's not a particularly bad day, but it aint great. I hate waiting, and while being on day three of the Lupron isn't exactly waiting, it doesn't feel like I'm going anywhere, either. I have been filled today with a sadness and longing, just an ache to have a baby here with nowhere to put it. My blog reader is full of posts of pregnant bloggers and those whose cycles who are underway, or those in the 2ww. All I can think of is why, why, why would I want to put myself through this again? Why couldn't I just let it be.
It is a double edge sword. I want another baby, and this renewed insurance is my chance to make that happen. I have tried all my life to live so I will have as few regrets as possible. When I was rethinking my life's plan, back when we still didn't want kids, I came to the conclusion that parents don't regret having children, but that I would most certainly regret NOT having them. Right now, I feel most certainly that I would love another child, and doing IVF is the only chance to make that happen. If I don't take this chance that's being given me, I'm sure I would regret it.
But the other edge of the sword is pain. Trying to conceive just makes me think of having a baby more than when I was just living day to day. It means joining in the race again, but this time I am over 40, the flea bitten nag that should have been put out to pasture. Everyone around me seems to be the age I was when I got pregnant the first time (34) or even younger than that. They are getting pregnant like crazy. Once this would have made me feel hopeful and positive, but now I just feel left behind...again. I spent years being left behind and being lapped by other people by the time I had my kids, why would I want to do this to myself? Especially now that my chances of success are so much slimmer than before. And my TTC history is so baffling in its total lack of consistency. Years of not getting pregnant, over a year benched from a fibroid, getting pregnant, miscarrying, having twins, not getting pregnant, chemical pregnancy... There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. It's such a mixed bag. And yet, my treatment and protocol never changes.
Two sides. On one there is pain, sadness, and hope. On the other, pain, sorrow, and regret. But only one side has the chance, no matter how slim, of another baby. Which edge would you choose?
I totally i understand feeling like you've been lapped by everyone else in the pregnancy department. That is exactly how I am feeling today & it sucks like hell. I say go after your dreams if you want baby#4 do it!
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you are feeling this way...it's so hard. I always feel sad on Lupron so this might be drug-induced...not that it makes it any easier.
I'm glad you're trying again but you're so right, it brings with it all the hope and longing...it's hard to have to deal with that but you are strong and you can do it!
Sooooooo hoping this cycle works out for you. Think of you often and sending lots of positive energy your way.
XOXO
Such a difficult choice. But then again, not really. You can't win if you don't gamble right? I'm pretty sure you'd regret never trying if you don't. Here's hoping for "the grand prize", and soon!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you...hoping you're feeling a little better.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
This is very, very thought provoking and I'm really glad you posted this.
ReplyDeleteYou are right: I remember reading in a survey of UAS Today's older readers that none of them regretted having the children they had and quite a few people regretted not having more children. That survey has haunted me since my last miscarriage.
I am here via jjraffe's Time Warp Tuesday post, in which she linked to you and this post and talked about how she admired your courage and certainty in trying again.
ReplyDeleteI love how you ended your post: "Two sides. On one there is pain, sadness, and hope. On the other, pain, sorrow, and regret. But only one side has the chance, no matter how slim, of another baby."
So well said. As for which edge I choose... I chose the side of risking pain, sadness and hope many times and got a wide variety of outcomes, of course the babies that those choices brought me and my family were well worth the sacrifices we made to get there.
As for now, whether or not to go down that road again, as I shared in the post on my blog today, we are still not sure whether or not we want to be done (but leaning towards not trying to have more).
After all we have been through I don't think I would regret not trying to have more and sometimes I think I might regret trying and taking more time away from my two living children in effort to try to have another and/or give them another sibling. But that is just my perspective and experience, as my older child spend a good amount of his younger years with a mom who was consumed by trying to have another child and often in the midst of the roller coaster ride that is ART cycles and/or recovering from surgeries, the birth and death of one of his siblings, etc.
Anyway, obviously this post struck a chord with me. I thank you for sharing and really appreciate your perspective on all of this. I wish you the best in this cycle and in trying to expand your family.