I haven't had much to say the last few days. School started on Tuesday, and the boys got ready, ate their breakfast, and got on the bus same as they did last year. It has been raining for days, there is a lot of flooding in the North East, which means that we haven't gone out to play. It is so quiet right now in the house you could hear a mouse scamper across the floor, or a ghost, or a cat if it should run across either mouse or ghost. It has been too damp and dark for my mom to finish painting the parlor (the painting is a birthday gift because she is retired, so she has more time than money). I feel pretty much at loose ends, so to speak. I knew I would.
My mom came over on Tuesday, with the intention of painting, but she stayed to see the boys when they got off the bus. We sat and had a cup of coffee to ward off the chill. She has a way of seeing into my thoughts and knowing when 'something is up'. Maybe all moms do? As we sat, and AK nibbled on her breakfast my mom said "There she sits, your last one. It won't be long before she's off to school, too. Your last baby." Then she gave me one of those knowing mom looks, like she was trying to squeeze a confession out of me. I have a feeling that she knows I don't want AK to be my last, she always seems to know. But I'm not telling.
Right now I'm just frozen in place. I felt good knowing that I had embryos in the bank. But as you know, I tried to make the dream into a reality, and now it's over. Having the chance to get pregnant again feels good sitting in my back pocket. I'm afraid. Who really WANTS to do IVF? We do it because there is not other way, but whose in a rush to actually jump in? I'm not. I thought I would be, but I've got my toes curled around the diving board for dear life. On the other hand, I really want to have another child. And the years between AK and her uncreated sibling are stretching. If I don't do it soon, I won't do it at all. What if I don't do it and my husband thinks I've suddenly gone sane and changed my mind? We can't have that now, can we? So what is going to make me jump? Who will push me?
Pushing you. Just do it!
ReplyDeleteI will...on Monday.
ReplyDeleteHere from Stirrup Queens. Push!! But then again, I think you'll know when you're ready. Good luck either way!!
ReplyDeleteMothers are so intuitive. I am not sure if you liked it that she read your mind so well. But I guess, there is a lot of food for thought brewing for you.
ReplyDeleteI can tell you just one thing - Go for it.
I loved the comment you left me. And you reminded me of a very very basic truth that I seemed to have overlooked - " Infertility, like all medical issues, IMHO, is a private medical condition, and how much ppl choose to share is completely their own business...even if it may seem smug. " Thank you so much for that.
Good Luck.
Hugs to you. IVF is so hard, I can understand your hesitation. You'll make the call when the time is right.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks as always for your insightful comment on my blog...always love hearing your input. Funny, I am starting prenatal yoga and going to see a therapist next week. :)
Kristen, you're kidding? Really? I wish I'd had your common sense back then. :)
ReplyDelete