Friday totally sucked. My husband decided to have a total freak out and change his mind before we were supposed to go in for the retrieval. We did end up going, but we were very late, and things did not go smoothly. The nurses found us a little office to sit and talk about what we wanted to do. We could either throw in the towel and do a cycle another time, or we could go through with the retrieval if my husband was willing, and put the embryos on ice for another time. They refused to do a transfer on Monday. After all the shit my husband put me through, he decided that he would go through with it. I'm not sure what the point was, since I'm sure those embryos will never see the light of day. We have used up our insurance, so we will have to pay for a thaw cycle out of pocket, and we have to go to the IVF counselor first...which I doubt I will get my husband to attend. And all I kept thinking was I'm supposed to be pregnant right now! What the hell would he do when the baby arrived in July? Disown it?
I would never have bought the medications if I didn't have his support. I wrote right here on this blog that I called him before I put in the order and confirmed that it was ok to move forward. Friday was not the time to back out. Now I can neither hope to become pregnant, or have the closure I so desperately wanted. Now I don't get to be finished...this cycle is indefinitely frozen at it's midpoint. I don't know if, or when, I'll know when to get rid of the crib upstairs. Now I am in limbo forever.
I had 16 eggs, 15 were mature, 8 fertilized. Not that it makes any difference.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Cycle day 9
It's go time! Trigger is tonight and retrieval is on Friday the 13th. I had lots of follicles that were over 17mm, I think around 15 total, with a an additional 9 or so measuring at 15. I have to stay up until 12:30 tonight to get the trigger shot, and then I have to get up at 6 tomorrow to drive into the city to have blood drawn. Monday is the transfer day, since they always transfer 3 day embryos at my clinic. The amount of embryos they will transfer depends strictly on quality. They have written down 2, 3, 4, or 5 embryos...assuming that we have embryos to transfer. I'm trying not to do any assuming. Past failure doesn't mean we won't have success. And of course...past success doesn't mean that this cycle won't crash and burn. I just keep saying to myself think positive think positive think positive.
I found myself looking at my giant chart and wondering what they will do with it. Will they burn it? Can I take it home? After Monday, will I ever be here again? And if I have embryos enough to freeze....what then? Will I have the strength to dispose of them and move on? Or will they continue to torture me? I must have stood in the waiting room at the lab staring at the chart on the wall that spells out all the odds for a good 5 minutes or more. 103 IVF cycles for women 41-42 last year. 29.9% walked away with a live baby, and of that percentage, 34.4% had multiples. I looked at the statistics and thought that somewhere in those numbers, between women who got pregnant and women who took home a baby, there was me...and by the looks of it a couple of other women like me...who got knocked up but didn't stay that way. Which number will I be this time? Nobody knows. You spin the wheel and you take your chances.
Thank you to everyone who has stuck by me. Good luck to all the women who are spinning the wheel with me. Good luck to us all.
I found myself looking at my giant chart and wondering what they will do with it. Will they burn it? Can I take it home? After Monday, will I ever be here again? And if I have embryos enough to freeze....what then? Will I have the strength to dispose of them and move on? Or will they continue to torture me? I must have stood in the waiting room at the lab staring at the chart on the wall that spells out all the odds for a good 5 minutes or more. 103 IVF cycles for women 41-42 last year. 29.9% walked away with a live baby, and of that percentage, 34.4% had multiples. I looked at the statistics and thought that somewhere in those numbers, between women who got pregnant and women who took home a baby, there was me...and by the looks of it a couple of other women like me...who got knocked up but didn't stay that way. Which number will I be this time? Nobody knows. You spin the wheel and you take your chances.
Thank you to everyone who has stuck by me. Good luck to all the women who are spinning the wheel with me. Good luck to us all.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Cycle day 7
It's cycle day 7, or at least that's what I was told. I've got follicles popping out all over. The intern giving me my scan today said that my ovaries were "over achievers". That's nice to know :) I have a conservative count of about 12-14 follicles measurable follicles, with several smaller ones in the running. My estrogen was high enough to dial down the Gonal a couple of notches. Next check is on Wednesday. I'm betting on a Friday or Saturday retrieval.
I have been plugging along. We've bought paint, curtains, and hold backs. We've all gotten sick, and gotten better again. We've dyed Easter eggs, started seeds indoors, and spent countless hours enjoying the flowers and the sunshine. I've also spent many hours researching about IEPs and disability law, while reading with NB from the school book I purchased from Amazon and trying to bring him up to speed. But most of my time is just spent waiting. I'm waiting for the school to set a date for NB's PPT. I'm waiting for the painting of the trim to be done and for wallpaper to arrive. I'm waiting for warmer spring weather. And most of all, I'm waiting for retrieval and transfer, the 2ww, and the results.
I wish I had a back up plan for the worst case scenario. It would be great to be able to plan a tropical vacation or something of that sort. A class on something fun and totally unnecessary would be cool...like basket weaving or print making. Maybe even a new pet is a possibility. Out of all the animals my husband and I have adopted over the years only one cat remains. It would be nice to have something small and fluffy to love, to help fill the hole in my heart. I'm so afraid of facing the earthquake and the tsunami with only my children to keep me anchored. I'm so afraid of drowning under a wave of grief and the drudgery of the every day grind. I want my children to be safe from the after shock, and for my husband to be there with a life boat.
I have been plugging along. We've bought paint, curtains, and hold backs. We've all gotten sick, and gotten better again. We've dyed Easter eggs, started seeds indoors, and spent countless hours enjoying the flowers and the sunshine. I've also spent many hours researching about IEPs and disability law, while reading with NB from the school book I purchased from Amazon and trying to bring him up to speed. But most of my time is just spent waiting. I'm waiting for the school to set a date for NB's PPT. I'm waiting for the painting of the trim to be done and for wallpaper to arrive. I'm waiting for warmer spring weather. And most of all, I'm waiting for retrieval and transfer, the 2ww, and the results.
I wish I had a back up plan for the worst case scenario. It would be great to be able to plan a tropical vacation or something of that sort. A class on something fun and totally unnecessary would be cool...like basket weaving or print making. Maybe even a new pet is a possibility. Out of all the animals my husband and I have adopted over the years only one cat remains. It would be nice to have something small and fluffy to love, to help fill the hole in my heart. I'm so afraid of facing the earthquake and the tsunami with only my children to keep me anchored. I'm so afraid of drowning under a wave of grief and the drudgery of the every day grind. I want my children to be safe from the after shock, and for my husband to be there with a life boat.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Socks! And other small and monumental things
Lindsay at Tiny Bits of Hope has sent me the most delicious socks through the sock exchange. (thanks to Cristy at Searching for our silver lining!). They are warm and cozy, perfect for the chilly damp of a New England spring. And they have polka dots...which I love. I wore them today (as you can see) because I couldn't wait, but I will be wearing them this Saturday when I have my next ultrasound, guaranteed.
Now I have to get some socks for my sock buddy. I'm working on it, I promise.
Yesterday I FINALLY got in for my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. Everything looked great, and I was all on track to start stims. Then I waltzed out the door without having my blood drawn. ARG! I can't believe I did that. So I had to go to the local lab bright and early today instead. Hopefully I will be able to start stims today. Geez Louise it's taking me forever to get started this cycle. Can you tell that subconsciously I'm dragging my feet? Because I think I am. Because if this cycle doesn't start...then it can't come to a painful end. I have become just a tad bit fatalistic about the whole thing. The way I see it, there are countless ways that this cycle can end badly, and only one way for it to end well.
When I started this last round of ttc, I was naively ignorant of the consequences. I wanted another baby, we had health insurance....I figured I was 'playing with house money'. This baby would be a total bonus, the icing on an already rich and wonderful cake. I thought I had nothing to lose. What did I know? I lost a piece of my heart. I was overjoyed to have three more chances for a baby, and if I hadn't gotten pregnant and miscarried, I would still be excited this last cycle. But the miscarriage sucked all the hope and all of the excitement of trying right out of me. I am still trying to put the pieces of my heart back in place, and not doing the greatest job of it, I have to say.
Good thing my heart doesn't talk to my uterus and ovaries, and that being sad, scared, and heartbroken hasn't kept me from getting pregnant in the past. There are icebergs in the water, but I'm still moving ahead.
Yesterday I FINALLY got in for my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. Everything looked great, and I was all on track to start stims. Then I waltzed out the door without having my blood drawn. ARG! I can't believe I did that. So I had to go to the local lab bright and early today instead. Hopefully I will be able to start stims today. Geez Louise it's taking me forever to get started this cycle. Can you tell that subconsciously I'm dragging my feet? Because I think I am. Because if this cycle doesn't start...then it can't come to a painful end. I have become just a tad bit fatalistic about the whole thing. The way I see it, there are countless ways that this cycle can end badly, and only one way for it to end well.
When I started this last round of ttc, I was naively ignorant of the consequences. I wanted another baby, we had health insurance....I figured I was 'playing with house money'. This baby would be a total bonus, the icing on an already rich and wonderful cake. I thought I had nothing to lose. What did I know? I lost a piece of my heart. I was overjoyed to have three more chances for a baby, and if I hadn't gotten pregnant and miscarried, I would still be excited this last cycle. But the miscarriage sucked all the hope and all of the excitement of trying right out of me. I am still trying to put the pieces of my heart back in place, and not doing the greatest job of it, I have to say.
Good thing my heart doesn't talk to my uterus and ovaries, and that being sad, scared, and heartbroken hasn't kept me from getting pregnant in the past. There are icebergs in the water, but I'm still moving ahead.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Sick and tired
Yet another lovely Friday in the chickenpen. This week our house has been taken over by the plague. It started on Wednesday night with my husband feeling poorly. Then early Thursday morning it spread to me, and last night poor NB fell ill. He's been such a brave, little trooper. AK has been wearing pull ups all day, poor thing, although she seems to be her chipper self. Only DA appears to be unaffected so far (knock on wood).
I was supposed to go to the clinic on Thursday, but for obvious reasons, it wasn't happening. The nurse told me to keep taking the Lupron and to call today if I couldn't make it. Well, I feel worse today than yesterday. According to the nurse everything is fine and I can keep taking the Lupron until Monday. I hope I can make it. I just feel so tired. I can't help but wonder if this is a sign that I should just give up. My heart already feels heavy. To be honest, I just don't have any hope that this cycle will work. I just want to dig a hole and crawl inside. I feel so shaky on my feet already, and I just know that the next wind is going to knock me down. I guess that all I can do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope I'm wrong.
I was supposed to go to the clinic on Thursday, but for obvious reasons, it wasn't happening. The nurse told me to keep taking the Lupron and to call today if I couldn't make it. Well, I feel worse today than yesterday. According to the nurse everything is fine and I can keep taking the Lupron until Monday. I hope I can make it. I just feel so tired. I can't help but wonder if this is a sign that I should just give up. My heart already feels heavy. To be honest, I just don't have any hope that this cycle will work. I just want to dig a hole and crawl inside. I feel so shaky on my feet already, and I just know that the next wind is going to knock me down. I guess that all I can do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope I'm wrong.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Just another Friday
This week sucked. It still sucks. Tuesday morning I found a tick imbedded in my daughter's neck. My husband had to bring her to urgent care to have it removed. They told us to be on the lookout for symptoms of tick born illness, and today she is mildly feverish, weepy, and all together out of sorts.
Tuesday night I had my sleep study to look forward to. Because I went to the walk in clinic weeks ago for experiencing bouts of shortness of breath, and my dodo husband mentioned that I snored OCCASIONALLY, the doctor decided I had anxiety due to a sleep disorder. WTH? So I had to pack my bag and sleep in a strange place for a night. It shouldn't have been a big deal...but it was. First off, the only small overnight bag I have is the one I purchased as my hospital bag when I was pregnant with the twins. I have only used it for overnight trips since their birth twice, and one of those was another trip to the hospital to have my daughter. Packing the bag with my sleepwear, robe and slippers, my Kindle, and my toiletries slowly filled me with sadness. Walking into the building with my pillow under my arm was so strangely like going into the hospital the day my daughter was born it was like deja vu. All the straps and monitors were very similar to baby monitors and stuff, all I needed was an IV and blood pressure cuff to make the ensemble complete. It sank me into a funk the whole next day.
Yesterday at parent teacher conferences NB's teacher and special education coordinator informed my husband and myself that they would be holding NB back in first grade because he wasn't attending in class and was spending most of his day whining for the last two weeks. This is in spite of the fact that he is on or above grade level academically. I have a communication notebook that goes back and forth to school every day. Do you think they would have mentioned this trend? Or mention that they wanted to review the possibility of holding him back in there even once? No...of course not. So now my husband and I have to go all angry mama bear on their asses and try to figure out if it is what is really best for my son.
On top of this, my poor husband has an infected tooth, and I have a wicked, splitting, Lupron headache. At least I'm not thinking about how many weeks I would have been...much.
Tuesday night I had my sleep study to look forward to. Because I went to the walk in clinic weeks ago for experiencing bouts of shortness of breath, and my dodo husband mentioned that I snored OCCASIONALLY, the doctor decided I had anxiety due to a sleep disorder. WTH? So I had to pack my bag and sleep in a strange place for a night. It shouldn't have been a big deal...but it was. First off, the only small overnight bag I have is the one I purchased as my hospital bag when I was pregnant with the twins. I have only used it for overnight trips since their birth twice, and one of those was another trip to the hospital to have my daughter. Packing the bag with my sleepwear, robe and slippers, my Kindle, and my toiletries slowly filled me with sadness. Walking into the building with my pillow under my arm was so strangely like going into the hospital the day my daughter was born it was like deja vu. All the straps and monitors were very similar to baby monitors and stuff, all I needed was an IV and blood pressure cuff to make the ensemble complete. It sank me into a funk the whole next day.
Yesterday at parent teacher conferences NB's teacher and special education coordinator informed my husband and myself that they would be holding NB back in first grade because he wasn't attending in class and was spending most of his day whining for the last two weeks. This is in spite of the fact that he is on or above grade level academically. I have a communication notebook that goes back and forth to school every day. Do you think they would have mentioned this trend? Or mention that they wanted to review the possibility of holding him back in there even once? No...of course not. So now my husband and I have to go all angry mama bear on their asses and try to figure out if it is what is really best for my son.
On top of this, my poor husband has an infected tooth, and I have a wicked, splitting, Lupron headache. At least I'm not thinking about how many weeks I would have been...much.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Yeah! Baby hats! *UPDATED*
I finished her baby hats, but I don't have her address yet. I took a couple of pictures, but my computer is being cranky and I'm having trouble uploading them.
So.....Whose next? I promise that this time I'll be a little more punctual. Baby hats are free to all followers. I make them in newborn size, but if you are in need of a larger size I can do that.
*UPDATE*
Hubby fixed the worm that attacked my computer, so now I have pictures! That is Baby Doll X modeling the hats.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)