Wordless Wednesday

in mourning 

a scrap of mourning fabric that my great-great grandmother pressed between the pages of her Bible

purchased in 1880  upon the death of her daughter, Catherine Louisa, at the age of 4

For Mo

and everyone else I know who has lost a child, of any age

and for those who are still trying, and mourn every cycle

Do you believe?

• Fridays still suck. I would have been 18 weeks last Friday. I have now officially been not pregnant as long as I was pregnant. 
• No progress has been made on my dining room. We need to purchase wall paper and to see if the paint color I have chosen will actually work. The ceiling needs to be put in primer. Since my husband agreed to prime/paint the ceiling because my mother is very short, and I can't purchase wallpaper without an infusion of cash, it is completely out of my hands at the moment. This bums me out. I think I will pick up the roller extension and or brush and paint something tonight. I can't paint while the kids are home and awake, which is why my mother is doing the painting. 
• Pablo decided to clean the pool early this month. No doubt he is being spiteful because I kicked him out from October until January. He should probably be cleaning someone ELSE'S pool right now. Jerk. 
• I am knitting baby hats. I hope to have both of them done by the end of this week. If they don't suck and I take them apart, grumbling under my breath all the while, and have to start over. I blame Downton Abby. I usually knit during football, because I can follow a game with less than half my attention. DA is far too engrossing. I am not the best knitter in the world, so I have to give more attention to my knitting than really good knitters do. 
• There have been some BFNs out there that have really made me sad. Sad because I really want everyone's cycle to work...even though I know it's not statistically possible. And sad because it reminds me how low my chances really are of getting, and staying, pregnant are at my age. It drives me crazy that I'm upset about a cycle failing that hasn't even gotten the chance to get underway yet. I have always taken IF one step at a time so I'm not wallowing in it. I know it is because in my heart of hearts I feel like I should be pregnant right now and should never have to do this again. Instead of focusing on all the great BFPs and growing bellies out there, it's only the negatives I see. That's just not ME and it's never BEEN me. 
• I have been able to knit baby hats, (which involves measuring baby doll Xs head for accuracy and using a baby hat one of my boys was given in the hospital as a model) play dolls with my daughter, and even walk around Target all without feeling miserable and sorry for myself. There are still times where I'm still sad, but I haven't cried in at least a couple of weeks. That feels great! Like I'm getting over the worst of the 'grief flu'. 
• I got a wonderful fortune cookie when we got Chinese take out this weekend. "Do you believe? Endurance and persistence will be rewarded." :)

Valentine's shmalentines *updated*

I am busy busy busy. I've been tagged, but I haven't had time to sit down and write a response. It's Valentine's day today, but I haven't bought a so much as a card for my hubby, although I snuck cards into the boys' lunch boxes this morning. All weekend the kids were sick, and yesterday I was sick, so I spent all day in bed sleeping. I'm not joking, I didn't wake up until 12:30. I'm still not feeling 100%. I remembered that the boys had to have valentines for all the kids in their classes as of 2 pm yesterday, and since I haven't been farther than 15 feet or so from a bathroom in two days, I had to send my husband out on an emergency valentine run. I was up until 11:30 last night addressing them...with two mad dashes to the toilet.

My clinic called me sometime yesterday afternoon. I was in bed at the time, and my husband came in with the phone and tossed it at me while literally snarling that it was my doctor before storming out of the room. When I went to answer it the line was dead, so I got out of bed and went after him. Once again my husband was angry, even though he promised that it was ok to move forward and that he wasn't going to be a prick about it. Once again I'm left with not knowing if I'm supposed to move forward or if I'm just supposed to dangle in the breeze with my pants down. I am so fed up, I can't even tell you. And tomorrow is cycle day 21 for me, so it is possible that the clinic was calling me to tell me to get blood drawn tomorrow so I can start Lupron, which would mean scrabbling to buy it today so it can be shipped. Of course I called them back yesterday, but it was already late in the afternoon so all I could do was leave a message. I'm hoping they get back to me early today so I know what's up. But before they do I have to call hubby at work and confirm that it is indeed ok for me to move forward. GAH! He drives me crazy. I don't need flowers or roses, I just need some consistency from this dude.

Anyway, I apologize if I haven't been keeping up with everyone's posts and whatnot. I'll be back on top of things.....sometime.

*UPDATE*  I called my tricky hubby to see if I had the go ahead or not. I emphasized the fact that I didn't want to do this without him on board 100%, and that this was the last time I wanted to hear any objections, and he told me to "go ahead and call the clinic". So I did. They called me back promptly, I'm pleased to say. My doctor knows that Pablo is due back from Boca..(or wherever he is off spoiling someone's day)...next week, and when he arrives I am to call them to schedule a saline ultrasound strait away to be sure that all the *products of conception* have been properly removed.  So...still on target for an April cycle most likely. YEAH!

Let's get the show on the road!

I called my clinic on Friday to tell them the bad news that my pregnancy didn't stick, and that I would be using my last cycle. As usual, I gave the message to the IVF nurse's line, since it wasn't about an appointment or an emergency. (the nurses always answer questions that day if made before 4, even if it is just to call you back and reassure you, they are great that way). When my nurse called me back (patients have a team assigned them, so I always have the same nurse) she felt so bad for me I almost started to cry. She said to me "I feel terrible because I know how much you wanted this." My doctor is out for 2 weeks so she couldn't tell me about my protocol, but they will be getting back to me as soon as he returns.

I can't wait. I know it sounds crazy to WANT to shoot yourself up with hormones, but I do. I really, really do. I know that right now, April will be the soonest I can cycle. (unless my doc gets back, sees me RIGHT away and puts me on the Lupron immediately. It could happen, but I'm betting not. The clinic checks to see if I've ovulated on day 21 of the cycle, and then starts the Lup that night if I have. Day 21 would be Feb 15 for me). The crazy thing is that if I get knocked up in April, I'll be due in December. The absolute latest I can cycle and still have a baby in 2012. I don't know why, but for some reason that feels important to me. Maybe because that is when the world is going to end??? ;)

Maybe it is just important so that I can move on with my life. Of course, I am moving on with my life. I'm still doing the things I planned to do, but not knowing for certain if I can ditch all the baby stuff and use the back bedroom for something else kind of throws a monkey wrench in at least part of my '2012 moving forward' scheme. And of course, not being able to get this cycle over with is a wall between me and processing my grief. I know that if/when I get that BFN (if the cycle gets far enough to get a BFN) the sh*t is really going to hit the fan. But that's ok....because it will all be done and gone and I can finally put way the the ttc portion of my life away for good. I am ready to be DONE. I want another child more than anything. But no matter what happens, I will be done.

But I've got one more cycle in me first. C'mon...bring on that big box of meds. I'm ready. Give me what you got!!! Because if I'm going down, I'm going down fighting. :)

running to stand still

Today is another Friday. That means I would have been 15 weeks today...at least I'm pretty sure. Out of the first trimester anyway. Probably starting to get a little bump, too, if past experience is any indicator. I would be looking forward to movement...and it would be the size of a cumquat or something.

Last year I was dreading Valentines Day. My husband and I were going out to a romantic local restaurant that serves a fixed menu of delicious gourmet food made only with local ingredients. I was dreading it, because I had been working up my nerve to ask my husband about using our remaining frozen embryos. I didn't do it. We were having a wonderful time, and I knew he would probably get angry at me just for asking. So I wasted another month...and another.

This year I'm dreading Valentine's Day. I don't want to be reminded that I'm basically at the same exact place I was last year...wanting a baby and not being able to move forward. Except that now my children are another year older, and my daughter is convinced that she wants a little brother or sister more than ever. Plus, I'm not exactly feeling romantic towards my husband these days.

It's another Friday. I've got no belly pics to show, no scan results, no follicle counts, no fertilization reports. But I'm making progress...really I am. I don't have ultrasound pictures to share, but I do have something.




Behold, my entry way. You will notice that I have hooks for jackets, and I have a system for paper...I'm not buried in junk mail and mittens!

And look...I've got wallpaper. Sort of.



And I bought a couple of flowers to take care of and brighten my day:



All of it great progress. I'm moving forward. But then there is this:The back bedroom. Sometimes known as "where dreams go to die" when I'm in a very bad mood. My future studio or a great guest room when I'm feeling better. And the future nursery, when I'm feeling hopeful.

And then there's this: My daughter and her twin brother and sister. A boy and a girl she tells me. And no, she is NOT the mommy, I am. Do you want to know why it isn't always better to have children to hold when you've had a miscarriage? This is it...in a nutshell.

love conquers all

I have to say thank you all for your continuing support. Some of your thoughts and prayers must have been heard, because I have been getting more support...both from my husband and my mom, and I can't think of any other reason for the sudden turn around.

I spent the weekend avoiding my husband completely. On Sunday I spent a good amount of time putting Christmas stuff into the attic. The attic entrance is in the back bedroom, the would be nursery. I ended up sitting on the floor and thinking that maybe I could just live in that room instead. I would still be there for my kids, and my husband and I could still be civil with each other, but we wouldn't have to be together. Then I could hear NB calling for me. He cautiously pushed the door open and came to me. He wrapped his arms around me and started talking all about his day, and pulled me back out of my loneliness and grief like only my kids can.

That night I helped get the kids through their evening routine with my husband, without speaking much to him other than the most necessary communication. I threw in a load of laundry...I made an effort to include none of my husband's clothes since I was feeling petty and miserable. I heated up a meager meal and brought it upstairs to watch Downton Abby in our bedroom by myself. Needless to say, thinking about this being the rest of my life filled my heart with sadness, but I didn't think that I could forgive him his cruelty and his coldness towards me, to be honest. But leaving just isn't an option. I need my kids like breathing, and I love my home so much and have worked so hard for it. I decided that I had to go downstairs and talk to my husband about everything.

In spite of my husband's roaring tirade the other night, it seems he does in fact remember telling me that we had agreed to using all three cycles given to us by insurance. He agreed that he had in fact sat next to me and said that he was 'on board' with having a fourth child...although he said that in all fairness I was already pregnant so what else was he supposed to say? He told me that he had been too stunned to comfort me when I started crying because it was "unexpected", and that when I ran into the bedroom and curled up on the bed, he covered me with blankets and I pulled away...so he didn't know what else to do. (I don't remember him touching me or pulling away from him). He wanted to know if I wanted a divorce, if I still loved him. I told him I was sorry that I wanted to try again, and that I have my reasons for wanting a fourth child, and that I have lots of other plans still underway for my life. He said that he couldn't stand to see me hurting and not be able to do anything about it. I told him the best thing he could do was to let me try again, and this time stand behind me 100%. I told him that the hardest thing about this wasn't losing a baby alone, it was being pregnant and being alone. I didn't show him the positive pregnancy tests because I thought he wouldn't care, he didn't ask to see the ultrasound pictures. I told my husband that if he got a promotion for the most wonderful job, how would he feel if he couldn't call me right away to share his happiness? Or if someone he loved dearly died but he didn't include me because he thought I wouldn't give a shit? Then he told me that I was right, that he thinks we should use our last cycle, and that he was sorry.

I think my husband was shaken by this pregnancy loss. I think he didn't want to open his heart to the pain of ttc again, and when he agreed, it caused him pain. I think he placed the blame on me, and he is right. I don't know why I would torture myself either, except that I feel compelled too, and I can't completely explain why. It is much more than just wanting another baby, it is about how our family feels, and it feels like someone is missing. I just hope that my husband can find it in his heart to forgive me if we suffer another loss. He is a tender hearted and vulnerable person and I am so thankful that he has agreed to trust me one more time and follow me where my heart leads. I just hope his trust in me is well placed.

another terrible, horrible night

Last night while getting ready for bed I commented to my husband about how I was looking forward to getting another cycle underway because of how stuck I have been feeling lately, and he totally freaked the flying f@#k out! He started shouting at me about how he doesn't want this, that he agreed to try once (a lie...we went over this last time, he agreed to keep trying until it worked or the last two cycles were used up, whatever came first). He shouted at me that I'm ruining our family...that he is too old...that he doesn't want this. It came totally out of the blue for me, since I thought we had gone through all of this exact same shit the last time.

He hasn't supported me at all through this miscarriage. The only other person who knows about it is my mom, and only because I needed someone to watch the kids while my husband dropped me off for the D & C. (and no, he didn't stay with me). My mom's comment to me? "It's all for the best" and she hasn't mentioned it since. I didn't even get a hug. Thanks mom. I went upstairs to lie down after the procedure and cried my eyes out, and those were the last tears I've shed, until last night that is. I broke down into tears because I just can't stand the pain anymore, and I don't have anything to hold onto except my kids...which is exactly why I want another baby to begin with. Did my husband try to comfort me? Tell me that he has been hurting too? Offer suggestions to help? No. He told me that I was crying to emotionally manipulate him into agreeing to another cycle. THAT HE ALREADY AGREED TO DO.

I lost a baby. OUR baby. I wanted it so very, very much. I endured shots...that I gave myself, even the PLO, an egg retrieval, a transfer, the 2ww.... and the one thing that has kept me going is that I have one more shot.

I don't know what to do right now. I don't think I can love the person who stood there while I was at the lowest point in my life, watch me sob uncontrollably without comforting me, and blame me for manipulating him. In fact, I don't think I ever hated anyone as much as I hate him right now. I thought that I had reached my lowest point and that there was nowhere to go but up. I was wrong.