Everything went smooth and swimmingly. Even the IV was painless. Coming out of the anesthesia I had a strangely distorted sense of time, it seemed to take forever for my husband to arrive at my bedside, although the nurse and DH assured me that it had taken only a few minutes to collect him from the waiting room.
We've got 16 eggs! Not too shabby given my age. Tomorrow they'll call with our fertilization results. I can't wait :)
My husband is outside getting everything out of the garage. Our insurance company is going to drop our homeowner's insurance if we don't knock it down by Monday. And it snowed last night! Enough so that there was snow on the roofs of many cars driving in this morning. I bought the makings for my daughter's costume, but I still don't have the fabric for NB's hat. Things are getting just a little crazy around here. Here's to hoping that we have a new baby to add to the chaos next year!
Friday, October 28, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Things are popping out all over!
I've got follicles. Not the usual huge amount, but since I'm 41 now I'll take what I can get :) There are 15 follicles of a good size, a good handful of which are 19 or higher. Trigger is tonight, retrieval Friday, transfer on Monday.
With only 15 follicles right now I really don't know how well things will go. Even though I have produced good eggs in the past, (and hopefully Friday, too) our fertilization rates are kind of crappy. Out of 21, 19, and 22 eggs...if I remember the numbers correctly I have only had two good ones to transfer, and 4 to freeze with each cycle. I hope like crazy that I can get at least three embryos to transfer, but I'm not holding out any hope for more than that.
I'm going to be so happy when I am in the downward stretch of this roller coaster with embryos on board. I'm bloated and uncomfortable and a little stressed out about the whole timing of everything. Transfer day is Halloween, and I have been given strict instructions to NOT go Trick or Treating with the kids. This saddens me deeply, and I still haven't finished 2 of the 3 costumes. I know that you just can't tell going into a fresh IVF cycle when everything is going to happen, and if I hadn't had to delay stims because of my weird lining I would have gone through retrieval already, but I still feel guilty.
With only 15 follicles right now I really don't know how well things will go. Even though I have produced good eggs in the past, (and hopefully Friday, too) our fertilization rates are kind of crappy. Out of 21, 19, and 22 eggs...if I remember the numbers correctly I have only had two good ones to transfer, and 4 to freeze with each cycle. I hope like crazy that I can get at least three embryos to transfer, but I'm not holding out any hope for more than that.
I'm going to be so happy when I am in the downward stretch of this roller coaster with embryos on board. I'm bloated and uncomfortable and a little stressed out about the whole timing of everything. Transfer day is Halloween, and I have been given strict instructions to NOT go Trick or Treating with the kids. This saddens me deeply, and I still haven't finished 2 of the 3 costumes. I know that you just can't tell going into a fresh IVF cycle when everything is going to happen, and if I hadn't had to delay stims because of my weird lining I would have gone through retrieval already, but I still feel guilty.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
This is how we make the babies
Monday I drove in to the clinic. It was a beautiful sunny day. Traffic was light (for once) and I was right on time. I've got follicles. Lots and lots of follicles. Some pretty good, 17, 14's...and lots of 12's both on the right and the left. I go back tomorrow for another check, and if all looks good, I'll probably trigger on Thursday night and have the retrieval on Saturday.
Driving in all I could think of is how different it is for us. Tomorrow will be CD14 for me, the time I would normally be ovulating if I wasn't suppressing everything. If we were a normal fertile couple, my husband and I would just have sex, like everyone else in the world. Maybe we would wake up early and do it quickly, listening for the patter of little feet running down the hall to interrupt us. Maybe we would have a night of romance, have a candlelit dinner and watch a romantic movie. But that isn't for us. Our babies are made with us not even in the same room as each other. The babymaking process is clinical, calculated, scientific...and cold.
Tomorrow I'll drive in to the clinic again. As I do, somewhere there will be a college student picking her panties up off of a stranger's floor and doing the walk of shame...pregnant. There will be a young married woman who wakes up and quietly tiptoes to the bathroom and hopes, maybe today?....pregnant. Moments of passion, love, lust, and even violence everywhere making babies, but not here. My husband and I are state of the art. Nothing but science and cutting edge technology for us!
Wake me up early tomorrow, because I've got to go make us a baby :)
Driving in all I could think of is how different it is for us. Tomorrow will be CD14 for me, the time I would normally be ovulating if I wasn't suppressing everything. If we were a normal fertile couple, my husband and I would just have sex, like everyone else in the world. Maybe we would wake up early and do it quickly, listening for the patter of little feet running down the hall to interrupt us. Maybe we would have a night of romance, have a candlelit dinner and watch a romantic movie. But that isn't for us. Our babies are made with us not even in the same room as each other. The babymaking process is clinical, calculated, scientific...and cold.
Tomorrow I'll drive in to the clinic again. As I do, somewhere there will be a college student picking her panties up off of a stranger's floor and doing the walk of shame...pregnant. There will be a young married woman who wakes up and quietly tiptoes to the bathroom and hopes, maybe today?....pregnant. Moments of passion, love, lust, and even violence everywhere making babies, but not here. My husband and I are state of the art. Nothing but science and cutting edge technology for us!
Wake me up early tomorrow, because I've got to go make us a baby :)
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Everything is a GO!
Wednesday's appointment was a little weird. From one angle, everything looked hunky dory, from another, the lining looked like a comet, with the lining as the tail and a strange blip thing at the end. It could be a polyp...could be a bit of left over lining...they have no clue. My regular RE is in Florida and isn't coming back until Monday, so the rest of the docs, interns, and a bevy of med students had an impromptu conference in the office and hallway. It looked kind of like a group of kids trying to figure out what to do when their parents are out of town. In the end, the doctor that checked me came into the room where I was sitting with the nurse and said that they decided I should proceed with the cycle as planned. Woot! So...I've started with 300 units of Gona.l F every night with a blood test on Saturday. I'll take it! 300 units seems a little high to me, though. I know I'm 41 and all, but when I did this last time when I was 37 I got over 52 follicles and touch of OHSS to go along with them. I hope that they can manage to keep me walking that fine line between stimming too slowly and not getting many eggs, and stimming too quickly and then having to slow down so that fewer eggs are mature at retrieval.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Baseline
Ug. I am sick to death of driving to my clinic. The traffic today was so bad going into the city that I was a half an hour late for my appointment, and I gave myself what should have been an extra half an hour or so already! I had to pee so badly that my eyes were literally watering, but there was no where to go in bumper to bumper traffic. Arg! I didn't even have a partially full bladder or anything when I left because it was unnecessary at this appointment. Good thing.
The ultrasound went ok. I have about 6 follicles on one side, 5 on the other, which isn't bad for a baseline count. But, I had fluid in my uterus which made the doctor nervous so they want me to go back for another baseline on Wednesday. My husband was already pissed off today because I was so late coming home, and when I told him that I would have to go back on Wed he REALLY got his panties in a twist. Between the white knuckle drive, the killer Lupro.n headaches, and DH's griping I was ready to just break down in tears and give in and throw in the towel.
Thankfully, we worked things out, I get to drop the Lup down to 5 units tonight, and DH even offered to drive me to the appointment on Wed. I hope the extra fluid that the intern saw on US turns out to be nothing and that I can start stims soon. Fingers crossed.
The ultrasound went ok. I have about 6 follicles on one side, 5 on the other, which isn't bad for a baseline count. But, I had fluid in my uterus which made the doctor nervous so they want me to go back for another baseline on Wednesday. My husband was already pissed off today because I was so late coming home, and when I told him that I would have to go back on Wed he REALLY got his panties in a twist. Between the white knuckle drive, the killer Lupro.n headaches, and DH's griping I was ready to just break down in tears and give in and throw in the towel.
Thankfully, we worked things out, I get to drop the Lup down to 5 units tonight, and DH even offered to drive me to the appointment on Wed. I hope the extra fluid that the intern saw on US turns out to be nothing and that I can start stims soon. Fingers crossed.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Remembering
Today is Remembrance Day. October 15th has been set aside for a day to think about those who have a miscarriage, stillbirth, or a child who has died very young. At 7:00 o'clock, wherever you happen to be, if you are remembering a loss, it is the time to light a candle for an hour and reflect.
I am not one for this kind of reflection...at least not for myself. I have had a miscarriage very early on at 8 weeks. At the time I was devastated, but I don't mourn now. I had a chemical pregnancy which broke my heart at the time, but now barely lingers in my memory. The sadness that breaks my heart today is for others: For Cecily, who lost her twins Nicholas and Zachary when they were just on the cusp of viability. For Missconception who just lost her twins at 20 weeks. For Eve who lost her boy William, for Chon, for Jen, for Mo, For Tertia, for Kristen, For Alex at Firsttimetwins who lost her twin baby girls.....for everyone. There aren't enough candles in my house. There aren't enough candles in the World to shine a light big enough for everyone to see. These children were real. Our grief is real. See us!
Today I remember Catherine Louisa. She would have been my Grandfather's aunt, had she lived. She was born, and died, between censuses. She was a mysterious gap between children on my family tree. Then we found my Great great grandmother's bible, and there she was. My ancestor Sarah's grief was pressed between almost every page in the form of a poem, a black scrap of mourning silk, an obituary, a mourning card, and endless scraps of paper filled with sadness. No one who ever looked upon Catherine's face is still alive to remember her. Her body was buried far away from the rest of our family in up state New York...all alone. I light my candle for her.
I am not one for this kind of reflection...at least not for myself. I have had a miscarriage very early on at 8 weeks. At the time I was devastated, but I don't mourn now. I had a chemical pregnancy which broke my heart at the time, but now barely lingers in my memory. The sadness that breaks my heart today is for others: For Cecily, who lost her twins Nicholas and Zachary when they were just on the cusp of viability. For Missconception who just lost her twins at 20 weeks. For Eve who lost her boy William, for Chon, for Jen, for Mo, For Tertia, for Kristen, For Alex at Firsttimetwins who lost her twin baby girls.....for everyone. There aren't enough candles in my house. There aren't enough candles in the World to shine a light big enough for everyone to see. These children were real. Our grief is real. See us!
Today I remember Catherine Louisa. She would have been my Grandfather's aunt, had she lived. She was born, and died, between censuses. She was a mysterious gap between children on my family tree. Then we found my Great great grandmother's bible, and there she was. My ancestor Sarah's grief was pressed between almost every page in the form of a poem, a black scrap of mourning silk, an obituary, a mourning card, and endless scraps of paper filled with sadness. No one who ever looked upon Catherine's face is still alive to remember her. Her body was buried far away from the rest of our family in up state New York...all alone. I light my candle for her.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Back to Day One...again
Thank you to my friends and readers who pointed out that it was probably the Lupr.on that was making me all brooding and full of doubt. You would think that after so many years I would be aware of this, but no, every cycle the crappy mood takes me by surprise. The black mood has lifted, as it always does, leaving me feeling more hopeful about it all. In short, I'm a ninny.
Today is cycle day one. That means that Pablo* is here and tomorrow I get my happy box o'meds. Yeah! I love tearing into the big medicine chest. Gimme gimme. The clinic should be calling sometime this afternoon to schedule my day 3 baseline ultrasound appointment. As usual, it all seems to be happening so fast. If all goes well, in two weeks or so I'll be having an egg retrieval...and then an embryo transfer. I promise I will be trying to stay hopeful and positive and try not to drift into the swamp of despair. No promises, though.
Last night I had the most vivid dream. I was holding a newborn cradled in my forearm, with his head in my palm and his little feet touching my stomach. We were in the kitchen and my husband was working at the counter and it was pitch dark outside. It seemed so real that when I woke up I could still feel the weight of the baby's head in my hand. I can remember his features and still see the fuzzy white footie sleeper. I have had dreams like this before, and I wish that I could say for certain that it means something, because sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't. In any case, vivid dreams like these give me the warm, hopeful fuzzies.
*my period is not a maiden aunt Flo, but a jealous pool boy who shuts the pool down for a week before going on his merry way.
Today is cycle day one. That means that Pablo* is here and tomorrow I get my happy box o'meds. Yeah! I love tearing into the big medicine chest. Gimme gimme. The clinic should be calling sometime this afternoon to schedule my day 3 baseline ultrasound appointment. As usual, it all seems to be happening so fast. If all goes well, in two weeks or so I'll be having an egg retrieval...and then an embryo transfer. I promise I will be trying to stay hopeful and positive and try not to drift into the swamp of despair. No promises, though.
Last night I had the most vivid dream. I was holding a newborn cradled in my forearm, with his head in my palm and his little feet touching my stomach. We were in the kitchen and my husband was working at the counter and it was pitch dark outside. It seemed so real that when I woke up I could still feel the weight of the baby's head in my hand. I can remember his features and still see the fuzzy white footie sleeper. I have had dreams like this before, and I wish that I could say for certain that it means something, because sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't. In any case, vivid dreams like these give me the warm, hopeful fuzzies.
*my period is not a maiden aunt Flo, but a jealous pool boy who shuts the pool down for a week before going on his merry way.
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