Today is Remembrance Day. October 15th has been set aside for a day to think about those who have a miscarriage, stillbirth, or a child who has died very young. At 7:00 o'clock, wherever you happen to be, if you are remembering a loss, it is the time to light a candle for an hour and reflect.
I am not one for this kind of reflection...at least not for myself. I have had a miscarriage very early on at 8 weeks. At the time I was devastated, but I don't mourn now. I had a chemical pregnancy which broke my heart at the time, but now barely lingers in my memory. The sadness that breaks my heart today is for others: For Cecily, who lost her twins Nicholas and Zachary when they were just on the cusp of viability. For Missconception who just lost her twins at 20 weeks. For Eve who lost her boy William, for Chon, for Jen, for Mo, For Tertia, for Kristen, For Alex at Firsttimetwins who lost her twin baby girls.....for everyone. There aren't enough candles in my house. There aren't enough candles in the World to shine a light big enough for everyone to see. These children were real. Our grief is real. See us!
Today I remember Catherine Louisa. She would have been my Grandfather's aunt, had she lived. She was born, and died, between censuses. She was a mysterious gap between children on my family tree. Then we found my Great great grandmother's bible, and there she was. My ancestor Sarah's grief was pressed between almost every page in the form of a poem, a black scrap of mourning silk, an obituary, a mourning card, and endless scraps of paper filled with sadness. No one who ever looked upon Catherine's face is still alive to remember her. Her body was buried far away from the rest of our family in up state New York...all alone. I light my candle for her.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Back to Day One...again
Thank you to my friends and readers who pointed out that it was probably the Lupr.on that was making me all brooding and full of doubt. You would think that after so many years I would be aware of this, but no, every cycle the crappy mood takes me by surprise. The black mood has lifted, as it always does, leaving me feeling more hopeful about it all. In short, I'm a ninny.
Today is cycle day one. That means that Pablo* is here and tomorrow I get my happy box o'meds. Yeah! I love tearing into the big medicine chest. Gimme gimme. The clinic should be calling sometime this afternoon to schedule my day 3 baseline ultrasound appointment. As usual, it all seems to be happening so fast. If all goes well, in two weeks or so I'll be having an egg retrieval...and then an embryo transfer. I promise I will be trying to stay hopeful and positive and try not to drift into the swamp of despair. No promises, though.
Last night I had the most vivid dream. I was holding a newborn cradled in my forearm, with his head in my palm and his little feet touching my stomach. We were in the kitchen and my husband was working at the counter and it was pitch dark outside. It seemed so real that when I woke up I could still feel the weight of the baby's head in my hand. I can remember his features and still see the fuzzy white footie sleeper. I have had dreams like this before, and I wish that I could say for certain that it means something, because sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't. In any case, vivid dreams like these give me the warm, hopeful fuzzies.
*my period is not a maiden aunt Flo, but a jealous pool boy who shuts the pool down for a week before going on his merry way.
Today is cycle day one. That means that Pablo* is here and tomorrow I get my happy box o'meds. Yeah! I love tearing into the big medicine chest. Gimme gimme. The clinic should be calling sometime this afternoon to schedule my day 3 baseline ultrasound appointment. As usual, it all seems to be happening so fast. If all goes well, in two weeks or so I'll be having an egg retrieval...and then an embryo transfer. I promise I will be trying to stay hopeful and positive and try not to drift into the swamp of despair. No promises, though.
Last night I had the most vivid dream. I was holding a newborn cradled in my forearm, with his head in my palm and his little feet touching my stomach. We were in the kitchen and my husband was working at the counter and it was pitch dark outside. It seemed so real that when I woke up I could still feel the weight of the baby's head in my hand. I can remember his features and still see the fuzzy white footie sleeper. I have had dreams like this before, and I wish that I could say for certain that it means something, because sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't. In any case, vivid dreams like these give me the warm, hopeful fuzzies.
*my period is not a maiden aunt Flo, but a jealous pool boy who shuts the pool down for a week before going on his merry way.
Friday, October 7, 2011
The double edged sword
Today is not a good day. It's not a particularly bad day, but it aint great. I hate waiting, and while being on day three of the Lupron isn't exactly waiting, it doesn't feel like I'm going anywhere, either. I have been filled today with a sadness and longing, just an ache to have a baby here with nowhere to put it. My blog reader is full of posts of pregnant bloggers and those whose cycles who are underway, or those in the 2ww. All I can think of is why, why, why would I want to put myself through this again? Why couldn't I just let it be.
It is a double edge sword. I want another baby, and this renewed insurance is my chance to make that happen. I have tried all my life to live so I will have as few regrets as possible. When I was rethinking my life's plan, back when we still didn't want kids, I came to the conclusion that parents don't regret having children, but that I would most certainly regret NOT having them. Right now, I feel most certainly that I would love another child, and doing IVF is the only chance to make that happen. If I don't take this chance that's being given me, I'm sure I would regret it.
But the other edge of the sword is pain. Trying to conceive just makes me think of having a baby more than when I was just living day to day. It means joining in the race again, but this time I am over 40, the flea bitten nag that should have been put out to pasture. Everyone around me seems to be the age I was when I got pregnant the first time (34) or even younger than that. They are getting pregnant like crazy. Once this would have made me feel hopeful and positive, but now I just feel left behind...again. I spent years being left behind and being lapped by other people by the time I had my kids, why would I want to do this to myself? Especially now that my chances of success are so much slimmer than before. And my TTC history is so baffling in its total lack of consistency. Years of not getting pregnant, over a year benched from a fibroid, getting pregnant, miscarrying, having twins, not getting pregnant, chemical pregnancy... There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. It's such a mixed bag. And yet, my treatment and protocol never changes.
Two sides. On one there is pain, sadness, and hope. On the other, pain, sorrow, and regret. But only one side has the chance, no matter how slim, of another baby. Which edge would you choose?
It is a double edge sword. I want another baby, and this renewed insurance is my chance to make that happen. I have tried all my life to live so I will have as few regrets as possible. When I was rethinking my life's plan, back when we still didn't want kids, I came to the conclusion that parents don't regret having children, but that I would most certainly regret NOT having them. Right now, I feel most certainly that I would love another child, and doing IVF is the only chance to make that happen. If I don't take this chance that's being given me, I'm sure I would regret it.
But the other edge of the sword is pain. Trying to conceive just makes me think of having a baby more than when I was just living day to day. It means joining in the race again, but this time I am over 40, the flea bitten nag that should have been put out to pasture. Everyone around me seems to be the age I was when I got pregnant the first time (34) or even younger than that. They are getting pregnant like crazy. Once this would have made me feel hopeful and positive, but now I just feel left behind...again. I spent years being left behind and being lapped by other people by the time I had my kids, why would I want to do this to myself? Especially now that my chances of success are so much slimmer than before. And my TTC history is so baffling in its total lack of consistency. Years of not getting pregnant, over a year benched from a fibroid, getting pregnant, miscarrying, having twins, not getting pregnant, chemical pregnancy... There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. It's such a mixed bag. And yet, my treatment and protocol never changes.
Two sides. On one there is pain, sadness, and hope. On the other, pain, sorrow, and regret. But only one side has the chance, no matter how slim, of another baby. Which edge would you choose?
Monday, October 3, 2011
It's all spirk.
Yesterday: We set up the twins' bunk beds for the very first time. The minimum age recommended for bunk beds is 6, and they'll be there at the end of November. I can't believe it! And to really put me over the top weepy, DA lost his first tooth while running around outside. We took pictures and everything. Hubby got the privilege of sneaking the money from the tooth fairy under his pillow.
The twins invented a new word to join the handful of other twinwords they've created. This one is 'spirk'. My geeky husband says it's the name of Captain Kirk and Spock's love child. The meaning appears to be a sound made while burping and/or an adjective of some sort. When my husband and I say it, they break out into uncontrollable fits of laughter, so it may also be a curse word or something disgusting.
Today: I bought Lupr.on and needles from a pharmacy in Maine that my clinic uses for all its fertility medications. It cost me $22.18. The balance of the meds I'll need will set me back an additional $235. The pharmacist informed me that I had saved over four thousand dollars! Four thousand dollars for medications. It boggles the mind. And they probably only cost 100 dollars to produce total. I am alternately grateful that I have insurance, totally stunned by the cost, and unbelievably guilt at how many people have to pay that amount out of pocket. Spirk!
Tomorrow: I get to wake up at some ungodly hour to get my blood drawn at the nearest Que.st labs, about a 30 minute drive away, to make sure I've ovulated. If I have, I get to start shooting up this evening. Yeeehaaa. Or maybe I should say SPIRK!!!*
*I was informed by NB that spirk is indeed the correct spelling. I would go with sperk myself, but what do I know?
The twins invented a new word to join the handful of other twinwords they've created. This one is 'spirk'. My geeky husband says it's the name of Captain Kirk and Spock's love child. The meaning appears to be a sound made while burping and/or an adjective of some sort. When my husband and I say it, they break out into uncontrollable fits of laughter, so it may also be a curse word or something disgusting.
Today: I bought Lupr.on and needles from a pharmacy in Maine that my clinic uses for all its fertility medications. It cost me $22.18. The balance of the meds I'll need will set me back an additional $235. The pharmacist informed me that I had saved over four thousand dollars! Four thousand dollars for medications. It boggles the mind. And they probably only cost 100 dollars to produce total. I am alternately grateful that I have insurance, totally stunned by the cost, and unbelievably guilt at how many people have to pay that amount out of pocket. Spirk!
Tomorrow: I get to wake up at some ungodly hour to get my blood drawn at the nearest Que.st labs, about a 30 minute drive away, to make sure I've ovulated. If I have, I get to start shooting up this evening. Yeeehaaa. Or maybe I should say SPIRK!!!*
*I was informed by NB that spirk is indeed the correct spelling. I would go with sperk myself, but what do I know?
Friday, September 30, 2011
Back on the IVF pony
My clinic called yesterday to let me know the results of the doctor pow wow. They feel that I responded so well last time (50 something follicles, with 22 eggs retrieved, pregnancy and live birth) that they don't foresee a need to change my protocol. On day 21 of my cycle they will have me do blood work to make sure I've ovulated and then I can start the Lupron that day. They also need my husband to have blood tested. So, just like that we are off to the races! Day 21 of my cycle is next Wed, so I have until then to talk with the financial office and make sure that we are all paid up and we are good to go. Trying is better than not trying, having it work is better than it not working, but you can't get it to work if you don't get to try. Here we go!!!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Boston and beyond
Saturday and Sunday were wonderful. Dh and I got into Boston in time to grab some lunch. We did the touristy thing and went on a Duck tour before checking into our hotel. We've gone on one every time we've gone to Boston, so it is kind of turning into a joke for us. Next time, my husband says, no Duck tour. *
The hotel room was beautiful. It was a suite, actually, with a lovely living room like space and kitchenette, and separate bedroom. It was on the 35th floor so we had an amazing view of the Charles river from both rooms. The cars looked like ants from up there. We "hung out"** in the hotel for a while and then D took a nap while I familiarized myself with the room service menu and wrestled with the phone to set a wake up call. Both the alarm and the wake up call went off at 6, and after freshening up we set out to grab a bite of dinner and to walk to the theater district to see the Blue Man Group perform at the Charles theater. The performance was amazing, and the walk back to the hotel was romantic. It was a beautiful night and all around us were people having a good time. We toyed with the idea of grabbing a drink at one of the bars on the street, but we were exhausted so we headed back and crashed like rocks.
Sunday we relaxed and enjoyed the hotel room. We ordered in room service for breakfast, which was absolutely delicious, and with the view we had it was better than eating at any restaurant. Then we checked out and headed to the T to Bean Hill to see a house museum there and to grab lunch before heading home.
The museum was amazing. I enjoyed talking to the tour guide and just soaking up the beautiful architecture and furnishings. It was getting on 2 when the tour wrapped up, and we were starving. We were also missing the kids. We had called them that morning, and we had intended to be home by 4, but it was looking like we wouldn't be home until much later. We walked a couple of blocks and found an Irish pub. After enjoying some good Irish food and Guinness, and watching the Patriots getting smacked around by the Bills, we headed back.
It took us forever to get out of the parking garage, they only had one lane open for incoming and outgoing cars. We didn't get home until 5:45 or so and I have never been so happy to be home. :)
But.... After a few days of being home a post-vacation malaise has settled in. The beginning of Fall makes me feel like I should be DOING something. More than just cleaning the house and helping the boys with their homework, at any rate. . I have done several cycles during the fall months, including the first one where the transfer date was the day after our anniversary. Many of the bloggers I follow are pregnant now or have recently done a transfer, leaving me with the melancholy feeling that I'm standing in an empty train station with nowhere to go and no ticket to get there. On top of that the tour of the historic house museum has left me with an ache for my old job, any museum job really. But I know the chances of getting another job that pays anything is extremely slim. I can volunteer my time, but I will have to find something else to do that will pay me money, and that will most likely mean going back to school. But for what??
All of this melancholy and twitchiness under the skin with nowhere for it to go.
* A duck tour is a tour of the city in a DUCK boat. They were originally military transport vehicles, they can drive on land and go in the water so they make great tourist traps.
** made the beast with two backs
The hotel room was beautiful. It was a suite, actually, with a lovely living room like space and kitchenette, and separate bedroom. It was on the 35th floor so we had an amazing view of the Charles river from both rooms. The cars looked like ants from up there. We "hung out"** in the hotel for a while and then D took a nap while I familiarized myself with the room service menu and wrestled with the phone to set a wake up call. Both the alarm and the wake up call went off at 6, and after freshening up we set out to grab a bite of dinner and to walk to the theater district to see the Blue Man Group perform at the Charles theater. The performance was amazing, and the walk back to the hotel was romantic. It was a beautiful night and all around us were people having a good time. We toyed with the idea of grabbing a drink at one of the bars on the street, but we were exhausted so we headed back and crashed like rocks.
Sunday we relaxed and enjoyed the hotel room. We ordered in room service for breakfast, which was absolutely delicious, and with the view we had it was better than eating at any restaurant. Then we checked out and headed to the T to Bean Hill to see a house museum there and to grab lunch before heading home.
The museum was amazing. I enjoyed talking to the tour guide and just soaking up the beautiful architecture and furnishings. It was getting on 2 when the tour wrapped up, and we were starving. We were also missing the kids. We had called them that morning, and we had intended to be home by 4, but it was looking like we wouldn't be home until much later. We walked a couple of blocks and found an Irish pub. After enjoying some good Irish food and Guinness, and watching the Patriots getting smacked around by the Bills, we headed back.
It took us forever to get out of the parking garage, they only had one lane open for incoming and outgoing cars. We didn't get home until 5:45 or so and I have never been so happy to be home. :)
But.... After a few days of being home a post-vacation malaise has settled in. The beginning of Fall makes me feel like I should be DOING something. More than just cleaning the house and helping the boys with their homework, at any rate. . I have done several cycles during the fall months, including the first one where the transfer date was the day after our anniversary. Many of the bloggers I follow are pregnant now or have recently done a transfer, leaving me with the melancholy feeling that I'm standing in an empty train station with nowhere to go and no ticket to get there. On top of that the tour of the historic house museum has left me with an ache for my old job, any museum job really. But I know the chances of getting another job that pays anything is extremely slim. I can volunteer my time, but I will have to find something else to do that will pay me money, and that will most likely mean going back to school. But for what??
All of this melancholy and twitchiness under the skin with nowhere for it to go.
* A duck tour is a tour of the city in a DUCK boat. They were originally military transport vehicles, they can drive on land and go in the water so they make great tourist traps.
** made the beast with two backs
Friday, September 23, 2011
Waiting...
D's EEG came back 'normal' yesterday. Now we wait for the cardiologist appointment in October. He seems totally healthy, and active as always. Other than making sure he is eating well, which we do anyway, of course, and watching him like a hawk I'm not sure what I can do to make sure he doesn't pass out again. Thankfully he doesn't have a seizure disorder (most likely), because that is a terrible thing for a child to face, and the anti seizure medications are brutal. I jump every time the phone rings because I think it is the school calling. And for some reason, the phone is ringing all the time and I usually never get calls...the local paper trying to sell a subscription, some construction company that keeps calling my husband because some guy out there with the same name does plumbing contract work. I never had problems with my blood pressure before, even when pregnant with the twins, but I'm pretty sure if I had a cuff handy it would be spiking by now.
In other news, my husband and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary on Wednesday. I use the term celebrated loosely because hubby spent the day fixing the brakes on the van. That night we cooked up some seafood and ate in the kitchen with the lights turned down low to stir up some romance. This Saturday we are going to stay in a swanky hotel in Boston using up my husband's points that he earned by sleeping in not-so-swanky hotels in Virginia while on travel. More than three months of sleeping apart, with me being the single parent and hubby missing me and the kids dreadfully, has bought us one night of wedded bliss. It will be the first time I've slept apart from all of the kids in over 6 years. (I slept away from the boys for 3 nights while in the hospital having AK). This is going to be an adventure. Thankfully, my mom will be watching the kids, and besides being an awesome Mom and teacher, like all teachers she is trained in CPR and first aid. But still, the worry will be coming with us. Hopefully we can put it down for a little while.
As for the baby making front, I called the clinic last week. It took a couple of days for the nurse on the IVF team to get back to me. I knew they would be swamped. She told me that it had been a long time since they worked up a protocol for me, so the whole team was going to have to meet next Tuesday, and she would be getting back to me after that to tell me what the next move would be. The whole team??? That's a lot of people just sitting around and talking about my ovaries and ute. Hopefully I can get on board the IVF train before it shuts down for the December/January holiday season. We all know how this stuff works. You wait, and wait, go through testing and then BANG you're stimming and retrieving in the blink of an eye. I'm looking forward to this chance.
If everything comes crashing down and I don't make it to transfer, or when I'm crazy during the 2ww, please remind me how much I wanted this chance, won't you?
In other news, my husband and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary on Wednesday. I use the term celebrated loosely because hubby spent the day fixing the brakes on the van. That night we cooked up some seafood and ate in the kitchen with the lights turned down low to stir up some romance. This Saturday we are going to stay in a swanky hotel in Boston using up my husband's points that he earned by sleeping in not-so-swanky hotels in Virginia while on travel. More than three months of sleeping apart, with me being the single parent and hubby missing me and the kids dreadfully, has bought us one night of wedded bliss. It will be the first time I've slept apart from all of the kids in over 6 years. (I slept away from the boys for 3 nights while in the hospital having AK). This is going to be an adventure. Thankfully, my mom will be watching the kids, and besides being an awesome Mom and teacher, like all teachers she is trained in CPR and first aid. But still, the worry will be coming with us. Hopefully we can put it down for a little while.
As for the baby making front, I called the clinic last week. It took a couple of days for the nurse on the IVF team to get back to me. I knew they would be swamped. She told me that it had been a long time since they worked up a protocol for me, so the whole team was going to have to meet next Tuesday, and she would be getting back to me after that to tell me what the next move would be. The whole team??? That's a lot of people just sitting around and talking about my ovaries and ute. Hopefully I can get on board the IVF train before it shuts down for the December/January holiday season. We all know how this stuff works. You wait, and wait, go through testing and then BANG you're stimming and retrieving in the blink of an eye. I'm looking forward to this chance.
If everything comes crashing down and I don't make it to transfer, or when I'm crazy during the 2ww, please remind me how much I wanted this chance, won't you?
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