BFN for me.
I don't know where I'm going from here. I still don't know if I have a blast or not from the two remaining embryos they put in culture.
I'm feeling sad and sick at heart. But I have a cold beer in my hand, and I'm crazy busy trying to get the house clean for tomorrow's party. I'll try to find some time to have a good cry later. At least this crazy 2ww is over.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Pee, trees, and bees
Thank you Jo for pointing me to peeonastick.com. Not only did I find that I was using an unreliable test, but I learned that it's sensitivity is only 25. With my usually low beta numbers and bad doubling times, it is unlikely that I would see a positive result until my actual beta day. So, back to the drawing board.
In other news...I've got bees! As in honeybees, a whole buzzing nest of honeybees. We have a very large 200 year old black walnut in our backyard that has three trunks branching out of a single base. Or I should say, had three trunks. Now it has only two. The third is lying on the ground right now. The poor tree is sickly :( Since the base has three trunks, it has left an opening in the center, allowing moisture and insects to wreck havoc on two of the three trunks. My husband and I were in the process of trying to figure out what to do about it, cut it down? call a tree service? put it up for auction on ebay? when one of the trunks came crashing to the ground three days ago.
While playing in the backyard with the kids, I noticed a low hum, like an ac unit running in the background. Flying around a hole in the tree that would have normally been at least 20 feet in the air, was a squadron of bees...or wasps....I wasn't sure. In any case, I knew that no one was going to be going near that tree with a chainsaw anytime soon.
My husband asked questions of some guys at work, and it turns out somebody knew a guy who knew a guy who deals with honey bees. So...last night D went out and took some pictures and emailed them to the bee dude, who is now coming here on Saturday to do a bee nest-ectomy. I'm hoping that I can at least get a chunk of honey comb out of the deal. At least the bees will be safe in a new home. Honeybees have been falling prey to some kind of mite or fungus that is killing them off in droves, and from the pictures we took it appears that this hive is miraculously healthy! (when they are sick a white fuzz appears on their faces, and none of the bees in the picture appear to be afflicted according to bee dude). Yeah! The bees will have a new home and we'll be safe to saw to our hearts' content.
In other news...I've got bees! As in honeybees, a whole buzzing nest of honeybees. We have a very large 200 year old black walnut in our backyard that has three trunks branching out of a single base. Or I should say, had three trunks. Now it has only two. The third is lying on the ground right now. The poor tree is sickly :( Since the base has three trunks, it has left an opening in the center, allowing moisture and insects to wreck havoc on two of the three trunks. My husband and I were in the process of trying to figure out what to do about it, cut it down? call a tree service? put it up for auction on ebay? when one of the trunks came crashing to the ground three days ago.
While playing in the backyard with the kids, I noticed a low hum, like an ac unit running in the background. Flying around a hole in the tree that would have normally been at least 20 feet in the air, was a squadron of bees...or wasps....I wasn't sure. In any case, I knew that no one was going to be going near that tree with a chainsaw anytime soon.
My husband asked questions of some guys at work, and it turns out somebody knew a guy who knew a guy who deals with honey bees. So...last night D went out and took some pictures and emailed them to the bee dude, who is now coming here on Saturday to do a bee nest-ectomy. I'm hoping that I can at least get a chunk of honey comb out of the deal. At least the bees will be safe in a new home. Honeybees have been falling prey to some kind of mite or fungus that is killing them off in droves, and from the pictures we took it appears that this hive is miraculously healthy! (when they are sick a white fuzz appears on their faces, and none of the bees in the picture appear to be afflicted according to bee dude). Yeah! The bees will have a new home and we'll be safe to saw to our hearts' content.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...
Thank you everyone for helping me step off the edge. This 2ww has been driving me crazy since before it even started, and I knew it would. I have never POAS before, and obviously for a good reason, because I can't handle it.
I am usually very zen during the 2ww. I walk around with a little bubble of hope in my chest. I enjoy thinking to myself that 'right now I could be pregnant'. This time around though, I am just full of anxiety. The hope doesn't feel good, it feels like a lie I'm telling myself. I don't feel good about any of it. I guess I was hoping that I would get a faint BFP and put my mind at ease, although I knew reading the packaging how unlikely it was that I would see one. Maybe I'm just sabotaging myself? If so, it is probably because I would rather feel sad than nervous, if it makes any sense.
The good news is that it is Thursday. I only have tomorrow and Saturday to go, and they will be busy days. Sunday is my birthday, and I will be surrounded by friends and family in my new home, and if I get that BFN that I think I'll be getting, I'll be able to drink and celebrate my birthday. Even if my smile won't be as bright as it could be. And maybe, just maybe, I am wrong. At the very least, some of my anxiety is starting to fade and to become acceptance.
In the meantime, do any of you pee stick people know how good the test I took was? It was a CVS brand with a plus or negative sign instead of two lines. Any information regarding it's usefulness or lack thereof would be appreciated. (I know I should have gone with Jo's suggestion of using the Equate from Wal.mart, but my hubby bought it).
I am usually very zen during the 2ww. I walk around with a little bubble of hope in my chest. I enjoy thinking to myself that 'right now I could be pregnant'. This time around though, I am just full of anxiety. The hope doesn't feel good, it feels like a lie I'm telling myself. I don't feel good about any of it. I guess I was hoping that I would get a faint BFP and put my mind at ease, although I knew reading the packaging how unlikely it was that I would see one. Maybe I'm just sabotaging myself? If so, it is probably because I would rather feel sad than nervous, if it makes any sense.
The good news is that it is Thursday. I only have tomorrow and Saturday to go, and they will be busy days. Sunday is my birthday, and I will be surrounded by friends and family in my new home, and if I get that BFN that I think I'll be getting, I'll be able to drink and celebrate my birthday. Even if my smile won't be as bright as it could be. And maybe, just maybe, I am wrong. At the very least, some of my anxiety is starting to fade and to become acceptance.
In the meantime, do any of you pee stick people know how good the test I took was? It was a CVS brand with a plus or negative sign instead of two lines. Any information regarding it's usefulness or lack thereof would be appreciated. (I know I should have gone with Jo's suggestion of using the Equate from Wal.mart, but my hubby bought it).
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
BFN?????
8dp3dt I POAS and got a negative. It is still too early to give up hope, but I'm wishing that I hadn't caved. I will keep the second test in the pack to take on Saturday morning to make the wait easier. I'm feeling very sad, though, and defeated.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Bring on da Crazy!!!!
sung to the tune of 'my bonnie lies over the ocean'
The two week wait is driving me crazy
The two week wait is driving me mad
The two week wait is making me crazy
But beta day could make me sad
Bring back, bring back, oh bring back the happy to me, to me
Bring back, bring back, oh bring back the happy to me.
I've officially lost my mind. I thought I had until Wednesday to start slipping, but no, today is the day. You would think that I would be an old pro at this by now. I did too. You would think that because I'm going for a 'bonus baby' that it wouldn't matter to me either way. I thought that too, and apparently I'm wrong on that score too.
Why is it so HARD. I thought that I would have plenty to distract me. But no, the 2ww is distracting me from everything else. The mundane day to day tasks of laundry, dishes, and toy pick up allow me too much leeway to obsess about symptoms. I can't focus on any of the books I've bought or borrowed. And none of the other tricks I've used in the past will work for me. Before I've bought a cute baby outfit, or started knitting a blanket, something positive and hopeful...but I've always done it with the excuse that I can give the outfit and/or blanket to someone else when it doesn't work out, but now I've got nothing*.
The biggest thing that has always carried me through is the idea that I can try again. I still have the ace in the hole of two more cycles covered by insurance, but I'm not holding out any hope that I have any remaining embryos to use. And I know, I'm about 90% certain that my husband will put his foot down about trying a fresh cycle. To be honest, I don't really want to do one either. The chances of getting pregnant with my own eggs will be slim and the chance of miscarriage high. If only I had a blast in the hole I would feel so much better. (umm...that doesn't sound too good ;)
What I really want is to not want this soooo much. Aaaaarg!
*I think I may dabble in this option anyway. I can always send stuff to my internet buddies who have already gotten their BFP's, you know who you are. :)
The two week wait is driving me crazy
The two week wait is driving me mad
The two week wait is making me crazy
But beta day could make me sad
Bring back, bring back, oh bring back the happy to me, to me
Bring back, bring back, oh bring back the happy to me.
I've officially lost my mind. I thought I had until Wednesday to start slipping, but no, today is the day. You would think that I would be an old pro at this by now. I did too. You would think that because I'm going for a 'bonus baby' that it wouldn't matter to me either way. I thought that too, and apparently I'm wrong on that score too.
Why is it so HARD. I thought that I would have plenty to distract me. But no, the 2ww is distracting me from everything else. The mundane day to day tasks of laundry, dishes, and toy pick up allow me too much leeway to obsess about symptoms. I can't focus on any of the books I've bought or borrowed. And none of the other tricks I've used in the past will work for me. Before I've bought a cute baby outfit, or started knitting a blanket, something positive and hopeful...but I've always done it with the excuse that I can give the outfit and/or blanket to someone else when it doesn't work out, but now I've got nothing*.
The biggest thing that has always carried me through is the idea that I can try again. I still have the ace in the hole of two more cycles covered by insurance, but I'm not holding out any hope that I have any remaining embryos to use. And I know, I'm about 90% certain that my husband will put his foot down about trying a fresh cycle. To be honest, I don't really want to do one either. The chances of getting pregnant with my own eggs will be slim and the chance of miscarriage high. If only I had a blast in the hole I would feel so much better. (umm...that doesn't sound too good ;)
What I really want is to not want this soooo much. Aaaaarg!
*I think I may dabble in this option anyway. I can always send stuff to my internet buddies who have already gotten their BFP's, you know who you are. :)
Monday, August 8, 2011
7 Dwarfs
Grumpy: I still haven't gotten the letter from the clinic that is supposed to tell me if either of my
remaining embryos made it to the blast stage to be frozen. Grr... I called their answer
line, but I'm not betting they'll give me an answer. It's too hot. The house is a mess.
Bitch, bitch bitch, bitch, grumble, grumble.
I'm also convinced about every other minute that a) I can't possibly be pregnant and
b) if I'm feeling any symptoms they are either in my head or related to the hormones
I'm taking.
Happy: I feel symptoms! Yeah! And Jo saw two lines today. It's another day down, my birthday
is coming, and I could be pregnant! Yeah!
Dopey: Did I swap out the estrogen patch yesterday? I don't remember...I'll swap it today just
in case. Did I give AK her medicine? Where did I put my water glass?
Hungry: All the time. I want greasy garbage fried in lard and smothered in goo. NOW!
Sleepy: I'm so tired. I just want to take a nap.
Crampy: A twinge here, a cramp there, an ache every which way.
and Doc: Drink your water. Stay cool. Are you sure you should be lifting that? You didn't swap
out your patches yesterday, did you? You need to take your estrogen 3X a day. Now
go drink some more water! And don't forget that baby aspirin.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Everything is gonna be alright
I went to get my blood drawn to check my estrogen and progesterone levels this morning. Since Que.st labs isn't open on the weekends, this involved driving over an hour to my clinic just to get it done. Yesterday my husband had the bright idea of making this a family outing, we would get the kids up and dressed and out the door, quick dash in to get my blood drawn while they all waited, and then off to the neat little restaurant the two of us ate at transfer day, then to the little mall on the way home to see if the shirts he'd ordered were in.
It seemed easy enough. Except that I had to get up at the ass-crack of dawn to get in the shower. I woke up feeling a little...oogy. A little nauseous, everything seemed to smell a little strongly, and my coffee tasted bitter and metallic.* And then, the heavens opened up! It was POURING, buckets, cats, dogs, and elephants. On the way to the car, everyone got wet, and the drive was, in a word, tense. My husband was driving and he kept going way too fast. No matter how many times I asked him to slow down the speed kept creeping up there until I was ready to throttle him, and the road was barely visible in the downpour.
We got to the clinic alive. While dashing into the building I noticed that in spite of the fact that my shirt was nearly soaked there was a huge white stain right over my right boob, which I then remembered was toothpaste that I thought I had taken care of. Wrong. I dashed to the ladies to try and clean it, but the stuff was on there. Grrr....
I came out to find that hubby and the kids had been splashing in puddles to keep the troupes entertained. Everyone was wet and muddy, but thankfully smiling. On to the restaurant...
Where, naturally, being that it is Sunday morning, was totally PACKED. There wasn't even anywhere to sit and wait. The kids were thrilled, though, and the wait was promised to be short. Then hubby pointed at my boob and said "You know, you've got a little something there on your shirt." Yeah, I know, thanks.
We finally get to sit down, but the kitchen is swamped. The kids get crankier and we only have packets of jelly and hubby's cell phone to entertain them. But when the food arrived it was very good, which is a good thing because I felt like I could eat a horse. Then I started to hear the music. I'm not sure if they just put it on, or if I had been too distracted to notice, or if someone cranked the volume. It was Dave Matthews singing a cover of a Bob Marley tune, and all of my kids started bobbing to the music.
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright now
Everything is gonna be alright
Then my little Nate beamed his beautifulest smile and said "I'm so HAPPY!"
Everything is going to be alright, indeed, no matter how this cycle goes. It's gonna be all right. :)
*vaguely interesting possible pregnancy symptoms. They have since abated, but since HSG and it's symptoms are strongest in the AM, especially early on, this is typical for me. Doctor said that prog and estrogen are right where they want to see them. Yeah!
It seemed easy enough. Except that I had to get up at the ass-crack of dawn to get in the shower. I woke up feeling a little...oogy. A little nauseous, everything seemed to smell a little strongly, and my coffee tasted bitter and metallic.* And then, the heavens opened up! It was POURING, buckets, cats, dogs, and elephants. On the way to the car, everyone got wet, and the drive was, in a word, tense. My husband was driving and he kept going way too fast. No matter how many times I asked him to slow down the speed kept creeping up there until I was ready to throttle him, and the road was barely visible in the downpour.
We got to the clinic alive. While dashing into the building I noticed that in spite of the fact that my shirt was nearly soaked there was a huge white stain right over my right boob, which I then remembered was toothpaste that I thought I had taken care of. Wrong. I dashed to the ladies to try and clean it, but the stuff was on there. Grrr....
I came out to find that hubby and the kids had been splashing in puddles to keep the troupes entertained. Everyone was wet and muddy, but thankfully smiling. On to the restaurant...
Where, naturally, being that it is Sunday morning, was totally PACKED. There wasn't even anywhere to sit and wait. The kids were thrilled, though, and the wait was promised to be short. Then hubby pointed at my boob and said "You know, you've got a little something there on your shirt." Yeah, I know, thanks.
We finally get to sit down, but the kitchen is swamped. The kids get crankier and we only have packets of jelly and hubby's cell phone to entertain them. But when the food arrived it was very good, which is a good thing because I felt like I could eat a horse. Then I started to hear the music. I'm not sure if they just put it on, or if I had been too distracted to notice, or if someone cranked the volume. It was Dave Matthews singing a cover of a Bob Marley tune, and all of my kids started bobbing to the music.
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright now
Everything is gonna be alright
Then my little Nate beamed his beautifulest smile and said "I'm so HAPPY!"
Everything is going to be alright, indeed, no matter how this cycle goes. It's gonna be all right. :)
*vaguely interesting possible pregnancy symptoms. They have since abated, but since HSG and it's symptoms are strongest in the AM, especially early on, this is typical for me. Doctor said that prog and estrogen are right where they want to see them. Yeah!
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