I would give my left ovary right now to just be able to HOPE for a chance at a FET. Not the hope that my lining would be good, that the embryos would thaw, that I would have at least one to transfer, that one would stick...but just the hope that I may actually do it.
I am tired of having the same conversations with my husband over and over. The last time I only mentioned that we HAD to go to counseling, that he had no choice, and he blew up at me. At the end of fight #whothehellisstillcounting he said that maybe he would consider going through with a FET, after counseling. It was like I had been swimming against a rip tide and I suddenly could see the shore, just for a minute. It was hope. But by the time I was snuggled in our bed, I realized that he was just putting me off again. And even if he wasn't, I can't trust anything he says.
This is so unbelievably unfair. If we were a fertile couple, we would have agreed to try after going around and around, and I would have ditched the birth control. Then after trying one month, he would have balked again. Then he would agree to try again. Then we would get pregnant. Then we would lose the baby. We would fight again, and he would agree to try one more time. Then we would have sex, and he would freak out! He would be screaming that there was no way he wanted another child. And he would tell me to take the morning after pill and rant and rave that he was forced into this against his will and that if I became pregnant I would have to have an abortion. WHAT? Hold on...that's illegal. But because I'm infertile, my embryos can exist in a frozen state at three days of life for all eternity. It's not right. I didn't flush birth control pills down the toilet, poke holes in condoms, or sleep with a random guy to get pregnant. It's not even like we got pregnant by accident, because accidents happen to fertile people, not people like us. He signed a permission form. He got his blood tested...including an AIDS test...which he had to sign. He had to give me our prescription card to pay for the medications. He had to watch our children while I drove to the clinic over and over again getting follicle checks and blood draws. And then, the icing on the cake, after he had his freak out and didn't want to go through with it, he spanked into a cup and agreed to have embryos created. GAH!!!
All I wanted was some hope. An actual baby would be nice, but the hope that I could actually get pregnant would be a nice start.
I absolutely hate that you are still stuck in limbo. It is hard enough that we have to fight with infertility, clinics, fertile, but you always expect to have your husband on board and supportive.
ReplyDeleteI do to :( I really have to tell my husband to let me go through with it or destroy them. I just haven't the heart for the destruction thing, I think.
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ReplyDeleteMy children aren't suffering. Not for one minute of a single day. My marriage isn't suffering either. I am the only one that is. I use this blog to rant about my problems with infertility. If you saw my family out and about you would never guess that my husband and I disagree on this issue, or that I would love to have another baby.
DeleteI love all of my children. If you read any of my blog you would realize that I wanted another for a lot of reasons. But mostly I want to finish this suspended cycle because the pain of miscarriage.
Also, in case you haven't been reading, I have been trying very hard to work on my marriage. It is my husband that denies that I am hurting. But he is trying too.
And for your information, my daughter is lonely. Her twin brothers are 3 years older and shut her out. She calls every girl she meets her sister and wants to take her home. There is more to this than you know.
Also, I have already told my husband that divorce is not an option. And you call ME selfish? I would rather spend every minute of my life regretting that I didn't have another child and resenting my husband, than to leave my kids and break up our home.
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DeleteI don't NEED to do anything. I didn't do anything wrong. I wanted another child, and my husband and I discussed it. I lost a child and he hasn't been supportive, or honest. There is no crime in wanting something, even if your spouse does not. I didn't cheat, lie, or do anything dishonest. All I did was state my case and tell my husband how I felt and why. I still do. I resent him lying to me, repeatedly, yes, and I resent him stopping a cycle at midpoint because he wasn't honest with himself. But we are working on it. Just as couples who have one person who has had an affair can work on it.
DeleteOf course I am the one who has to move forward. Why do you think I am here writing on this blog? It is how I work out my frustration and try to work out my feelings. I think you need to work out your feelings and to stop reading here if you have issue with it. It's called free therapy. Just like any woman who has had husband cheat on her, because really for me it's about getting over the fact that my husband lied to me and himself, I have to decide what to do with my feelings. Our relationship isn't 'unstable'. My aborted cycle was in April of last year and we still haven't done anything about it. Do I have a right to be frustrated? Hell Yes, I do! But if you think my husband and I are stomping about mad at each other, not talking and creating tension, your seriously mistaken. Most of my pain is from my miscarriage, and where I am sad on occasion, I can't do anything about that, nor should I have to. Also, I have had depression, lady, and trust me, I'm not depressed. Occasionally melancholy and sad, but not depressed.
Frankly, I think you have issues with the fact that I have three children and you do not. If that isn't the case, have the balls to show your face and say who you really are. Right now, I'm on the computer drinking my coffee. I made my kids breakfast to order, and now they are watching cartoons and LAUGHING while my husband sleeps in, because it is Saturday and it's his turn. Later my daughter and I will make him coffee in bed, and we'll probably visit the home improvement warehouse so my husband can finish the vanity install. Don't we all sound miserable?
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DeleteHoping that you and your spouse can come to some sort of resolution before much longer. The heartache of losing a child is so devastating to a family and especially so to the mother that carried.
ReplyDeleteIt has been too long. My husband is one of those guys that tends to go with the flow, a bit of a procrastinator. I feel pressure to do something and move forward, but he doesn't.
DeleteI don't think we're here to judge you ... at least, that's not what *I'm* here for. Feel supported to do what you need to do in order to be healthy, to be strong, to take care of yourself and your children. Abiding with you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your support. I use this blog to vent and to tear my hear out, but on a day to day basis it is mostly just business as usual. It's just that there is always this business in the background.
DeleteI'm not here to judge either. Losing a child is heartbreaking and I'm guessing that losing the "possibility" of having a child could be just as painful. I also hope that you and your husband can come to an agreement and move forward. Living in limbo has got to be difficult.
ReplyDeleteThe only person living in limbo is me. He got is way and I'm just left to deal with it.
DeleteThank you for being supportive. My life isn't as bad as it seems here, it just seems like I am only moved to blog on bad days lately.
You do not at ALL have to justify yourself here on your own blog! I'm sure you have a very good life and love your family more than anything. It's just hard to suffer a loss. I also think it would be very hard having frozen embies just left sitting there. Had we had our baby and not miscarried, I would have eventually wanted to use our Frozen embies too. I just can't see leaving them sit there when there is the possibility of them growing into babies to love. I hope that you and your husband can find a middle ground and come to a peaceful resolution.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words. I do love my husband, very much. I think if I hadn't had a miscarriage, I wouldn't be as pushed to use those embryos. I just hate leaving my heart hurting this way without trying to heal it, you know?
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