Today it has been a year since I found out I was pregnant with the bean. In another 4 weeks or so it will have been a year since I lost the bean. Happy times.
I'm no closer to trying again than I was 5 months ago. I feel like I was forced off of the IVF cycle train onto a platform in the middle of nowhere, and no train ever comes. I'm not sure what to do here. Should I jump off the platform and start walking? Wait for a train? Give up and decide that the platform is a great place to hang out indefinitely?
I'm so tired of being angry at my husband. I'm not all the time, but often enough, and rightfully so. He hasn't done anything about finding us a couples counselor or trying to bridge the gap between us. That's not to say that he hasn't been nice, or sweet, or that I haven't tried to do nice things for him and be sweet back. But sometimes I just get so angry. I am also tired of being sad. I don't want to be sad anymore...or hopeful...or to want another baby anymore. But I DO want, and I can't help it, and I can't make myself stop wishing or hoping that things will change.
I know how old my baby would have been. I feel its absence all the time. I missed the little costumed bundle on Halloween. I missed the baby in the backseat today when we visited the aquarium. I miss the crying in the night when I am lying in bed awake.
Kant says that the recipe for happiness is to have something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for. Well...I love my children desperately, but I have nothing much to do except laundry and yard work until I get my job back in the Spring...and as for something to hope for, I don't have much.
Thank You to all of the kind people who have dropped by here during my self enforced exile. Reading about pregnancies and babies is still very painful, but I still read your posts. I'm trying to crawl my way back, and I wish you all the best. I'm going to try to comment more and post more, even though I don't have anything to say.
I'm glad you're back, even if you feel like you don't have anything to say. I had been wondering how you were doing.
ReplyDeleteI'm happy to see you and just so sorry you are in this place right now. I wish I could say something to make it all better...
ReplyDeleteWe're still here to listen if you need an ear. I wish you hope and happiness in the coming days. Keep your head up my dear.
I'm glad you came back to update us, even if it's not happy news. Loss anniversaries are the worst. I have so many between BFN's, m/c dates, missed due dates. It's overwhelming. Have you thought about seeing a counselor on your own if your hubby isn't jumping on the couples counseling yet? If nothing else, it'll show him you're serious about finding healing even if he isn't participating yet. I hope you keep using us as a way to vent. We all want you to find your peace and happiness!
ReplyDeleteSo glad you are back, but am sorry about how you are feeling. Wish there was something I could say or do. Just know we are thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you're back, I have thought about you a lot in the past months. I was happy to see a post from you in my reader.
ReplyDelete-Lulu (formerly from Closer to Fine)
I'm glad you posted. I missed your voice. Being in limbo makes it somewhat impossible to live Kant's recipe. Sending a hug as you guys make your way to different ground. Hopefully soon.
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you back. I have thought of you often. Still praying that everything will work out for you.
ReplyDeleteI know just how that goes momma. My husband and I are in a similar ocean apart. He got a V after we lost our daughter Stella full term, today is her due date. She wouldve been 2 years old. Her birthday was Oct 28th. I want another child SO BADLY and he opted out and got a V instead. I also feel very very angry at him, A LOT. Its a pretty damnd complecated marriage and I always get the shit end of the stick. Prayers to you and yours. ((((HUGS))))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry! Did he discuss getting the V with you first? That just sucks :(
DeleteI am so happy to see & read your post today but so sad that you are still feeling pain. I am also so sorry that things are not well with you & your husband. Would it be possible for you to look into a couples counselor? I really thing that if you 2 went and spoke to someone and a 3rd person, and outsider, maybe he would understand better how you are feeling. ***HUGS*** & prayers!
ReplyDeleteI am so happy to see you here again. I've been thinking of you! ((huGS))
ReplyDeleteHoping that someday soon your spouse will want to do a fet.
ReplyDeleteYou have been in my thoughts. Glad to hear from you.
ReplyDeleteOh Chick. I'm so very sorry that you are in this place. I'm very happy to see you, but heartbroken with this news.
ReplyDeleteAs unfair as this may seem, I think it may be time to give your husband an ultimatum about seeking counseling. Honestly, I think his mindset is such that he doesn't understand how much pain he's caused. The wounds from 5 months ago are still fresh and having someone to address what happened may be very helpful with healing. You both deserve to be happy in life and I think this is the road.
Thinking of you and sending love.
I am so sorry that you are here ... and am holding you in my heart. I was heartbroken for you when I read your husband's words so long ago ... and it pains me to know that those wounds are still open. Sending love and light.
ReplyDeleteSending love and hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy to see you back here. Holding out hope that you and DH can keep working on things.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy to hear from you! I missed you. Lots of Hugz!
ReplyDeleteI'm so, so glad to see you back in the world. Sending big, big loves.
ReplyDelete