Tomorrow hubby and I are going in for our counseling session at the fertility clinic. I am incredibly depressed and anxious about this visit. I also feel a little bit angry...ok, a LOT angry. I don't think that anyone should be able to weigh in on how many children my husband and I have except for my husband and me. Yes, my husband is all kinds of messed up and confused, and I don't want to have a child with someone that is feeling so ambivalent...but I don't think that it is their place to stand guard over our embryos. I also feel that part of their motivation for making us put the embryos on ice is a financial one. If they had gone through with the transfer it would be on our insurance, but since a thaw cycle will technically be a separate cycle, they can bill us all over again for something that would be have just been part of the fresh cycle...if they had allowed us to move forward. My husband turned around and said "Just go ahead and do it" 10 minutes after throwing his fit, but they wouldn't let us move forward. If he can have cold feet in the moment, why isn't he allowed to change his mind back just as fast? He will probably have a whole different list of feelings tomorrow, and another 6 months from now.
I am tired of feeling so utterly hopeless. Something that was so close...I was actually pregnant...is now slipping into impossibility. It was a goal, then a dream, and now it is just a fantasy. Some people fantasize about winning the lottery, becoming an American Idol contestant, or finding something incredibly rare and valuable in their attic...I fantasize about having more time. I have given up so much to be a parent, over a decade of my life, and I have put my career indefinitely on hold, and I am watching them grow up and leave bit by bit, day by day. Having another child would give me that time. What do I dream for now? If I won a million dollars tomorrow, I know what I would spend it on, my children...and the chance to have more time being a parent. Going through the 2ww is hard enough, but never being allowed to go through it and get to the other side is just torture. As far as dreams go, nothing compares to the chance to create a new person within your body or to raise a child, at least for me. A new car? who needs it. A stylish wardrobe? whatever. An exciting, profitable career? nice...but at the end of the day I would still give it all to go back in time one day to when my twins were babies. I'd give anything to have one more day helping my daughter learn how to walk. But I can't. One day soon my boys won't blow kisses at me from the school bus, or need me to sing them songs at night, or run to me to give them hugs. One day my daughter will be getting on the school bus and not looking back. I don't want to stop them from growing up, I just want more time. I know that another baby would mean just a few more years, but it is a few more years of everything. I have done everything within my power to make that dream come true, and now I am helpless to finish the deal.
I am thinking of you throughout this difficult time. I am still a little confused on how the clinic is holding your embryos hostage. YOu are absolutely right, it is your decision and if your husband made a split second decision he has the right to change his mind. The clinic should be obligated to your wishes, end of story. Hoping tomorrow you will have better luck and be able to move on with your next cycle.
ReplyDeleteThis made me cry. Hard. Because I so get it. I want the twins to grow up, want them to have their own lives. But I'd give anything to go back in time fo.r a day and get to have them as babies again
ReplyDeleteI can just feel your heart breaking as I read this post. I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking of you a lotlately, and appreciate the heartfelt support. I hope Hubby steps up (and how!) and can agree to move forward. I would also consider asking the clinic to waive part of their fees on a fet since they ltimately made the decision that you cold not transfer. They may not be able to do anything about the anestesiologist, but certainly the doc could waive his fees. I have had re's work with me over less than this. Keeping you in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteReading this post brought tears to my eyes. I can feel your pain coming from this post, mingled with anger and confusion. To be blindsided in such a way is just awful and I'm so sorry that instead of spending today in the middle of the 2ww, you are instead going for counseling at the fertility clinic.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I hope that today is useful. That by talking with the counselor, you and your husband begin the process of healing and open the lines for communication. It was completely unfair of him to blindside you and I hope that today's meeting is the beginning of him understanding that. And that he can never do that again.
Sending you hugs and lots of love during this time.
Hopefully you and your husband are able to work things out. Best of luck tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteAlso thinking of you. I'm hoping things work out and you are able to help one of those embryos learn to tie their shoes in a few years. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you... and feel so hurt for you that this has been put on hold under these circumstances. I can relate to what you're saying about wanting more time... and another opportunity to be a parent. Hopefully our time will come and that opportunity will appear again. My heart is with you and hope your appt tomorrow bring steps forward xoxo
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and hope tomorrow is helpful. oxo
ReplyDeleteThinking of you as well. Hope today goes better than expected.
ReplyDeleteOh, love. I'm so sorry. Hoping that it goes OK today, and sending you love, either way. I've been watching N grow up lately, and watching things change, for her and for me ... I can't say I understand, but I understand ... if that makes any sense.
ReplyDeleteWish I were there to do something kind for you.
This is a beautiful post. First of all i'd like to say that I agree. Who are they to tell you what to do with your embryo's. And second, I agree. You can have al the money in the world, but what compares to raising a person? Nothing. I hope today went well. You're in my prayers and thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI feel the exact same way about wanting more kids. I think hving kids will be the best years of my life and want to stretch it out.
ReplyDeleteHope thing go well at the clinic. Thinking of you...
XO