I'm still here. Limping along.
Mother's day was about what I expected. I loved waking up to my kids piling on top of me with the cards they had made and purchased. Both of my boys had cute crafty things they had made at school, which are worth their weight in gold. I was always totally skeptical of my mother's teary-eyed joy when I would give her my handmade cards and gifts, but now I know she wasn't lying. They are truly priceless.
The rest of my weekend pretty much sucked off and on. Friday I found out that my daughter got into the pre school program. I thought I would be happy with the news, but it made me weepy on Friday and I have been fighting a downward funk ever since. I was supposed to be having a baby in July. AK going to school for almost 3 hours a day was going to be the time I could spend alone with the baby, as well as giving AK time to socialize and prepare for kindergarten. I keep thinking I should be happy, that I should be looking forward to a chunk of time without any children around, but I'm not. The silence of having the house all to myself is the last thing I want. It's not like there isn't a thousand things I could find to occupy my time for 2 hours and 45 minutes...it's just that I probably won't want to do a single one of them.
I truly don't know what to do or where to go from here. If I had transferred embryos and gotten a BFN, I would be where I am now, grieving and struggling. That's fine. Well, it's not FINE, but it is what it is. I was prepared for the giant tidal wave of loss-on-top of loss-on top of this-is-the-very-end that I'm drowning in. But, now I have the never ending suck of not knowing how to deal with my husband. I just don't know what to do. I guess it's like how two people stumble around each other after one of them has had an affair, when neither one of them wants to give up on the marriage and leave. Except that is something my husband would understand, my reaction to this he thinks is "childish"...any day now I should just get over it and everything will get back to normal. What he doesn't realize is that right now he could toss a woman on the floor in front of me and go all '50 shades of grey' on her ass and I wouldn't even care. I'm that numb inside. If it wasn't for our kids I would probably have changed the locks weeks ago.
I thought of you a lot this weekend. I get it, how much do I get it. Wanting to leave and yet wanting to stay. Wanting the impossible: for him to understand how much he has hurt you, and to make good on all his promises. Oh honey, I get it. And I hate hate hate that you get it, too.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you too. I hate that you get it, but at the same time I'm glad that somebody does. :( Maybe we should divorce our husbands and marry each other? ;)
DeleteI really don't hate him. I just really hate that I'm supposed to go through the rest of my married life like nothing happened. It's just not possible for me.
I can feel the pain in your words. I'm very sorry you are in limbo. It's very hard to be there.
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew what to say or do to help ease the pain in your heart. To help make all of this better. Please know that I'm thinking of you.
BTW: glad that Mother's Day was made joyous by the kids. I hope for handmade cards one day too
Thank you for your support and kind words. It helps more than you know. I wish that everyone will have the cards and kid presents. It reminds me that I have to get a firesafe box or something for these treasures.
DeleteI agree with Cristy. I am just so sorry you are dealing with this. Can you talk to your hubby about going to a therapist with you? I really think there needs to be a third party to help you in reaching him. He needs to understand your pain and anger.
DeleteI'm thinking of you as well dear.
I'm sorry. I'm just really really sorry.
ReplyDeleteMother's day kinda sucked around here too (hard to celebrate when 2 out of the 5 kids have a dead mom).
Ug. So sorry for them, and you.
DeleteOh, I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI know it doesn't solve the problem, but I don't think your clinic can possibly hang onto your embryos if you want to move them to another clinic (assuming your DH will consent at least to that). They may be able to refuse to transfer or destroy them, but I don't believe they can legally hold them hostage ... if that's any help.
Can you go on your own for counseling and possibly connect (with a counselor) who "gets it?" Because it certainly doesn't sound like the one you met with (post below this one) did.
The counselor we saw was the IVF counselor at the clinic. We are supposed to go to couples counseling, and hubby is supposed to go to individual counseling, but he has the names to make the appointments. Since he's the one that screwed the pooch, he can make the appts...but he is in full denial mode.
DeleteIf dh and I were in agreement about what to do w the embryos, we could probably walk out of there with them today, (if we had something signed by a lawyer/notary whatever), but we're not. :(
I've been thinking of you often... and so sad to hear about your w/end and your ongoing heartache. This journey is unfair enough... I wish you didn't have to face this added pain as well. Love to you always xoxo
ReplyDeleteThank you. I'm thinking of you, too. I've got everything crossed for you that I can. Xoxo.
DeleteI am so sorry this is hurting you so much. I know you and your husband sat and talked with comeone at the clinic but have you done anything outside of that? People shouldn't stay together just becuase they have kids but they do need to work really really hard to try and make it work because of the kids. You deserve to be happy. Again I am so so sorry!
ReplyDeleteI am still waiting for my husband to make an appt. with the marriage counselor. I would do it myself, but getting him to admit that there is still something wrong is a big part of the battle.
DeleteSometimes men just don't understand what we are feeling even when we clearly state to them that they are being big smelly asses! I'm hoping that when you get into marriage counseling the healing will begin. Good luck!
ReplyDelete'big smelly asses!' That brought a smile to my face, and that isn't easy these days. I hope you get in for an ultrasound today.
Deletethinking of you. I am so sorry. =0(
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kelli.
DeleteI'm sorry you're in such a crappy place ... I wish that your husband were offering you the kind of comfort and kindness and support that you so need. And I also hate to offer advice, so I will continue to be here, abiding with you ... and there's a lovely back room at our place if you ever want to come visit with the kids.
ReplyDeleteThank you. And feel free to give any advice, I'm stuck.
DeleteOh hon, there are no good words. Are you guys still meeting with the counselor, or was that only in regards to the cycle?
ReplyDeleteYou need a long hug. A 14-hour long hug where you can cry some of this out too.
My husband called today, but they are only there on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so they won't get back to us until Tues.
DeleteI would love a 14 hour long hug.
I think your analogy to an affair is a good one. What a tough time in your marriage. I admire you for trying to make it work...I'm sure it's so hard right now.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you...
XO
I read in the comments that your Hubby called. I am so happy to hear that. I hope he goes soon and can open up and figure out what is going on in his head. Hugz!
ReplyDelete