Frozen

Yesterday was both a non event and a total nightmare. My husband and the counselor talked like old buddies about his stress and going to a marriage counselor, all while my life was on fire. I felt like standing up and yelling "That's great, but can't you see I'm burning? How do I get to make it stop?!?"  I told her I would rather destroy the embryos than have them sitting there for the rest of my life. I just want it to be over. It will never be over. They won't let us destroy them, they won't let us transfer them. The counselor must have mentioned 5 times at least how we have three children and 15 years invested in this marriage. I know lady, and he has all of our children hostage. Thanks for reminding me that I have no choice but to hurt or be hurt.

I was blessed on the way up with the sensation of holding a young baby against my shoulder. I could feel the shape of the back of it's head cupped in my hand. I could the feel the weight against my shoulder and the porcelain smooth skin at the temple where I kissed it. I held that baby again when I got home, sitting on the swings in the rain, crying again. I took the baby off my shoulder and laid it on the ground and said goodbye. I can't stop the wishing or the longing, but the hope stops here.