I believe in love and disaster
Sometimes the two are just the same
I'm beginning to see, what is left of me will have to be free to survive
And I'll be sleeping by myself tonight
Eddie Vedder
I am still here. I'm still reeling from the shock of last week. My boys have been on vacation since last Friday so I've been acting my normal self on the outside during the day and crying and avoiding my husband at night. Yesterday I went to Mickey D's for dinner and ate in my car in the parking lot so I wouldn't have to sit with other people. I'm tired and sad, and tired of being sad. I'm sure my husband thinks that I will 'just get over it' and that if he keeps pretending it didn't happen then all the bad feelings will just gooooo awaaaaaaay. I'm sure that he thinks that the fact that I'm still here being the good mommy and the good wifey instead of stabbing him with a dull steak knife is proof positive that he's 'done the right thing'.
He must have called my desire to have another child and actually trying to make that dream come true CRAZY about 10 times or more between Friday and Monday. That's right, I'm crazy because I want something he doesn't want. The fact that he actually agreed to all three cycles, not just verbally but with his signature, and that he had his blood tested AND provided the clinic with a sperm sample, all while thinking I was crazy doesn't seem to phase him at all. I'm not the one whose thoughts and actions seem to be at odds with one another. Now because of his craziness our embryos are held hostage by the clinic. I'm sure they will stay there forever. The soonest appointment we can make, thanks to his crazy work schedule will be May 22, and nothing I can say will make any difference. I don't know why he couldn't just let nature be the bad guy. I was all prepared for this cycle to fail just fine all on it's own.
I don't know what I'm going to do, but I know what I'm NOT going to do. I'm never leaving my house or my kids without being forced, and I'm not giving my husband so much as the time of day until he makes this right.
Oh, sweetie, what a terrible thing to be going through. When my husband and I fight he's big on pretending nothing happened and I HATE HATE HATE it...nothing makes me madder. What your husband has done is awful...I can't even imagine.
ReplyDeleteYou're not crazy for wanting another baby...
I SO hope your husband makes this right, and sooner rather than later.
Hugs...
I feel for you with all my heart at the moment... I'm so sorry that you're going through this, esp how hard things must be with your husband. IF and IVF is hard enough... and to pull out at the last minute must be heart-breaking. Love to you always xoxo
ReplyDeleteHon it really sounds like you need to get him to a therapist. You two need to talk through these things before it tears you apart. There are obviously a lot of things he never voiced or thought of in going forward with IVF again. Unfortunately for you, it all exploded at a very inopportune time.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry.
My heart is seriously breaking and very angry for you all at the same time. I am so sorry that your husband is really confused right now? I hate that you are so sad but you definitely are not crazy for wanting to finish what you both started and agreed to. Keeping you in my heart :)
ReplyDeleteYou have been in my thoughts all week. I don't blame you one tiny little bit for being angry -- and I am amazed that you are holding it together and trying to present some semblance of normalcy for your kiddos. I remember a few years ago when Mo seriously considered being done with treatments and we had the discussion then -- if he was done, that was fine, but I wasn't. We weren't at the same place you guys are, but it felt like a dealbreaker. I remember a reader commenting that anyone who would deny their spouse a big dream or goal like this was beyond selfish, and that's definitely unacceptable in a marriage.
ReplyDeleteYou are in my heart girl, and I hope that by some miracle he comes around.
Big hugs,
Jo
I'm seriously angry at your spouse for his immature behavior. If he didn't want to expand his family he shouldn't have gone ahead and signed the paperwork, given his sample, done the blood work and made promises he had no plan to keep. I hope, given time, he will feel sheepish about his behavior and offer to rectify the damage he has done to your relationship.
ReplyDeleteThis feels so, so cold. I agree with the suggestion about therapy ... preferably for both of you, but at least for you. What has happened here is wrong, and you need to sort out what your next steps can be ... and feel supported in your decision. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI would've reacted the exact same way as you did. I'm mad FOR you...Of course you're pissed. He shouldn't have given you false hope, I'm really sorry you feel so sad. I really hope he agrees to some sort of counceling and I hope he realizes how wrong it was of him to do all these things.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it amazing what we can do. Be so strong in front of our kids and family members when we are hurting so bad inside. He was so wrong to keep everything inside, keep moving forward and blow up at the absolute worst time. I am so pissed for you right now! I hope you two can get some therapy and figure things out. Hugz!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I dragged my DH, who had kids from an earlier marriage and would have been quite content just to have me (no more kids) through years of treatment and into fatherhood once more, and into more treatment (but no success). But the point at which we stopped ... well, honestly I'd happily have kept going but we both agreed it was a logical, reasonable stopping point. Not the only possible one, but a fair one. Maybe the best one (lacking counterfactuals, of course, that's impossible to know). Anyway, I have some clue what navigating treatment with an ... unenthusiastic ... spouse is like, but no clue what it feels like to have someone (and not just any "someone," of course) jerk the rug out from under you like that. I am so, so, so sorry. I can totally see the McD's thing you mention, makes perfect sense to me. I have no words of wisdom, just am out here thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to read this, what a tough situation! going through with all that and then not get to finish it. And you are not crazy, not at all. I sure hope your husband comes around and your can somehow resolve this together.
ReplyDeleteYou -- first and foremost -- are not crazy. It's not a crazy desire. It is one that mirrors how you see what you have. You love your life; you want more of what makes you happy. And not to the point of a surfeit of children; a middle of the road amount.
ReplyDeleteNo problem has ever been solved by not talking about it, so your husband needs to stop calling you crazy and start trying to talk about this reasonably. Hopefully explaining himself in the process.
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. You are supposed to be partners, to be the two of you against the wicked world, to help and support each other, not hinder and call names... How can he call you crazy? You are so NOT crazy for wanting anoth child.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you're having to go through this. It does sound like at some point you and your husband do need to have a good sit down and work this out. However, it sounds like you both may need some time to calm down before this happens. Sending you a hug.
ReplyDeleteSorry, blogspot problems kept me from finishing.
ReplyDeleteI hope ou can get him to talk and you can get back to being spouses not house mates.
Thinking of you can wishing you only the best.
Mina
Here from LFCA... and so, so sorry you are going through this. I have known lots of couples who weren't on the same page when it came to IF treatment or trying again after loss (including me & dh, at one point)... but to back out just minutes away from retrieval seems totally unreasonable to me. I agree that you should seek counselling -- for yourself, if not together. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteOh God what a nightmare. I hope you find a way out.
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry. This seems horribly unfair.
ReplyDeleteAbiding with you.
Wow, so sorry I have not been here to support you. What a shocker of a time, and caused by the man who is supposed to be there in sickness and in health. But I'm not that surprised as I don't have an amazing magical dreamboat like the rest of the World. Mine has decided after 3yrs ttc that maybe he should get his sperm tested? Far out.. Talk about slow! Grrrrr...
ReplyDeleteLook, my secret weapon is washing, and in times like these I go out of my way to exclude his washing. Works a treat. Happy washing and I am thinking of you..xx I get it..
My 'dear' husband is working the night shift all week, and I was too much of a wuss to not do his laundry. And I have also been taking great pains to keep the children quiet during the hours he's resting. I should be letting them tear it up in the hallways. It's not like I'm getting any sleep these days. Jerk.
DeleteHi... I hope you're doing OK ? Thinking of you often at the moment and I’ve nominated you for a ‘One Lovely Blog’ Award via http://newyearmum.blogspot.com.au/2012/04/one-lovely-blog-award.html xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm doing ok. I sent off a baby hat to Jem yesterday, my hubby and I are being civil with each other. There is a job opening at the museum across the street from me which is right up my alley, and is actually a PAID position CRAZY. I haven't given up hope that I may someday get to transfer embryos before I hit menopause...so I'm taking it day by day.
DeleteThank you for the award. You rock :)
Here from LFCA. I am so angry with your husband. What a horrible way to treat you, very disrespectful. And at the worst possible time.
ReplyDeleteI am just checking in my friend love and kisses xx
ReplyDeleteOh wow. I'm here from LFCA. You are not crazy, and I'm so sad and angry for you! I can't believe he'd do that to you! I'm so sorry and I hope things get worked out somehow. Sending you hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I cannot imagine navigating such a difficult situation. I hope you and your husband are able to come to a place of compromise soon. Keeping you in my thoughts and in my heart.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog, reading a comment you left somewhere else. I cannot imagine being in this situation. I like to try to see the other side, but I really can't here. Your husband had so much time to make this decision, to change his mind. Coming in at that point in the process just seems so...wrong. Just so wrong. I don't know - I feel speechless that you have to deal with this and that you are in this position. *hugs*
ReplyDelete