I called my clinic on Friday to tell them the bad news that my pregnancy didn't stick, and that I would be using my last cycle. As usual, I gave the message to the IVF nurse's line, since it wasn't about an appointment or an emergency. (the nurses always answer questions that day if made before 4, even if it is just to call you back and reassure you, they are great that way). When my nurse called me back (patients have a team assigned them, so I always have the same nurse) she felt so bad for me I almost started to cry. She said to me "I feel terrible because I know how much you wanted this." My doctor is out for 2 weeks so she couldn't tell me about my protocol, but they will be getting back to me as soon as he returns.
I can't wait. I know it sounds crazy to WANT to shoot yourself up with hormones, but I do. I really, really do. I know that right now, April will be the soonest I can cycle. (unless my doc gets back, sees me RIGHT away and puts me on the Lupron immediately. It could happen, but I'm betting not. The clinic checks to see if I've ovulated on day 21 of the cycle, and then starts the Lup that night if I have. Day 21 would be Feb 15 for me). The crazy thing is that if I get knocked up in April, I'll be due in December. The absolute latest I can cycle and still have a baby in 2012. I don't know why, but for some reason that feels important to me. Maybe because that is when the world is going to end??? ;)
Maybe it is just important so that I can move on with my life. Of course, I am moving on with my life. I'm still doing the things I planned to do, but not knowing for certain if I can ditch all the baby stuff and use the back bedroom for something else kind of throws a monkey wrench in at least part of my '2012 moving forward' scheme. And of course, not being able to get this cycle over with is a wall between me and processing my grief. I know that if/when I get that BFN (if the cycle gets far enough to get a BFN) the sh*t is really going to hit the fan. But that's ok....because it will all be done and gone and I can finally put way the the ttc portion of my life away for good. I am ready to be DONE. I want another child more than anything. But no matter what happens, I will be done.
But I've got one more cycle in me first. C'mon...bring on that big box of meds. I'm ready. Give me what you got!!! Because if I'm going down, I'm going down fighting. :)
Do you want my left over Lupron???
ReplyDeleteI've got left over Lupron :) But thanks. And you're right, my insurance does cover my meds after I meet my deductible.
DeleteI am so happy that you and dh were able to sit down and compromise on this last cycle. Since ivf is so expensive, I think you absolutely made the right decision by going forward and hopefully this Christmas you will have a new addition to you beautiful family. Oh btw I know ive said this before, but im absolutely in love with your home. So much history and character.
ReplyDeleteThank You! I hope my husband doesn't panic and have a sudden change of heart.
DeleteThanks for the appreciation. I think I will write a post just about my house one of these days :) It deserves it.
Hooray! I'm happy that you're happy.
ReplyDeleteI am happy! And terribly impatient, apparently.
DeleteGood luck, missy!!! Thinking of you lots! xoxo
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, too. I need the luck...thanks for passing me some.
DeleteWoohoo!! Hoping we can be cycle buddies :)
ReplyDeleteI said the same thing on your blog! It helps to have someone with you that's been there.
DeleteI'm glad the decision is to move forward. Hoping all goes well.
ReplyDeleteThank You.
DeleteNever mind. Your insurance probably covers your meds.
ReplyDeleteYeah to getting the show on the road!!!
Can't see as I blame you wanting to give it one last "shot" so to speak. Good Luck and I hope this one sticks. I'll be reading and hoping with you.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I need all the hope and help I can get.
DeleteHey thanks for visiting my blog! I love that IVF has been so successful for you in the past, and that you're ready to shoot yourself up again. I wish you much much luck!
ReplyDeleteThank you for visiting my blog :) I love your positive take on the IF process.
DeleteHere is hoping this is your year for your 2012 take home baby. I'm glad to see that IVF has been successful for you in the past. Gives so much hope.
ReplyDeleteI'm a regular IVF buffet of success, failure, and everything in between :) I wish you the best of luck in your journey ahead.
DeleteI hope so very much that this cycle will be a success! I can tell for the short time I have been following just how badly you want this.
ReplyDeleteOh, I do, I really, really do. But I'm just as ready to be done with all of the IF crap...and I can't let it go until I'm finally free to let it go.
DeleteYou go girl! We've never met but I can tell you're a fighter! Give it all you've got, we're rooting for you!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I'm fighting like a honey badger :)
DeleteI hope and pray that this cycle will bring you your very wanted baby. I admire your spirit! And I can totally understand about wanting this cycle done, no matter what the outcome. Being in a state of limbo is so hard...
ReplyDeleteXO
Thank you! Rub that beautiful belly of yours for luck for me, would you? :)
DeleteHoping and praying so hard that this cycle brings you your baby. I will be finding out on the 19th if this worked. If it did I will rub my belly(cuz I'm chubby and already have one) every night for you for good luck!!!!
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best of luck. Ooooh I hope you have a baby belly to rub for me. That would be awesome :)
DeleteI'm here waving a banner, chanting and fired up for you too. I'd say I was 'rooting' for you, but in Australia it means something different, and it would weird if I was 'rooting' for you.
ReplyDeleteChannel that positive fighting feeling into keeping you in the game. C'mon!!
I have a feeling I know what 'rooting' for me in Australia would be...and I'll give that a pass ;)
DeleteHow about you've got my back? Or does that sound potentially nasty, too? :)
I would be doing the exact same thing if I was in your position. And I'm right there with you on the whole 2012 baby thing. For some reason, that's important to me too. I really, really hope this cycle brings you your baby. I'm ready to see a BFP on this blog darnit! Baby dust, I wish you the best of luck and I can't wait to see a "I'm pregnant!" post. I'm officially your cheerleader!
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm yours!!!
DeleteI'm with you... esp your last line !! Sounds like this is going to be a big year for us... I may only have one cycle left in me... but I'm going to give it everything too. Will be great to be sharing it with you xoxo
ReplyDeleteI hope we make it together! XXX!
DeleteI just love your attitude so much. Very inspiring.
ReplyDeleteHoping the cycle moves forward as quickly as possible and can't wait to root you on through the process.
Thank you! I hope it moves forward. :)
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