No, I'm not even sure if that is a word. Except for maybe a 19th century disease affecting women and poets.
I have come to that dreaded time of the cycle, where everything feels wrong and the doubt is pouring in like icy seawater into the holds of the Titanic. The alarm bells are ringing. So far one of our brave cyclesistas has already been dragged down by a BFN. My estrogen came back way too low today, so the amount of patches has been upped already. My body isn't responding quickly as it always has...all of this has left me floundering in a dark sea of melancholy that I can't shake.
What am I doing this for? Haven't I been hurt enough already? I don't expect this to work...but if I get pregnant and it's a chemical pregnancy...or worse, I miscarry, I will be devastated. I don't need this FET to work, but I want it to so very, very much. And more to the point, I want it to work for all the women whose blogs I have been reading...and I know it can't work for everyone. This makes me feel terribly bitter and sad in a way I can't put into words.
Mind your speed and have your life rafts ready.....Icebergs ahead.
I wish I had some inspiring words, but I just think at a certain point those feelings always creep in. I hope you're wrong and things are working out for you. ***hugs***
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're feeling this way. TTC blues are horrible and Trying to conceive is hard, it really is. If there'ss a woman out there going trough the same thing and feeling happy all the time, she needs to be slapped.
ReplyDeleteIt's a proces and you're going to make it trough. We all will.
Thank you, guys :)
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for the melancholy and the doubts...it's so hard to do all we have to do and feel so down about the possibility of success. Are you on Lupron right now? I felt pretty down for a while too and it seems to have gotten better once I got off Lupron. I also had a blood test where my estrogen was low and I felt so down and defeated by that...but my next blood draw it was where it should be and I started feeling so much more confident...hope the same happens for you.
ReplyDeleteI want so much for this to work for you!!!!
Thank you Kristen. I think it just hit me all at once that I really do want this to work. Not just for me, either, but for you and other women whose blogs that I have been reading. It's like we are all a small herd of delicate gazelles trying to cross a river, the lions are watching, and I know we aren't all going to make it to the other side. It's just so damned unfair! (ok...temper tantrum over :)
ReplyDeleteIt's impossible not to let your heart get involved. I hope it's smoother sailing from here on out. With bluer skies (and less ice) ahead.
ReplyDelete