Just another day

Cycle day 10 and all is well. The nurse called and my estrogen finally seems to be where they want it, after increasing the patches and taking little estrace pills twice a day. Whew. I go on Wednesday to have blood work and an ultrasound to check my lining. Hopefully my uterus is perking up and getting ready for company or I'm going to have to give it a strong talking to.

I've been allowing myself to think happy baby thoughts. I've thought about what color I would paint the baby's room. I've walked into the laundry room to put clothes in the dryer and have thought "I wonder if NOW that I have a decent washer and dryer that isn't in a creepy basement, if doing cloth diapers would be a doable option?" And I have played with baby doll X, something I normally avoid doing unless AK, or maybe NB, begs me to help dress it.

I have to explain about Baby doll X. BDX is a baby doll (obviously) of lifelike size and proportions that I bought while pregnant with the twins. It is 21" long, bald, with a cute newborn squinched up face, with spiky blond eyelashes around it's dark baby blue eyes. It is jointed with a weighted down bean-bag body that flops about in a creepily realistic fashion. It was purchased for only 16 bucks at a big lot discount store. It's intended purpose was to help my husband and I get used to the feeling of handling a newborn, and to use it as a stand in dummy as we adjusted straps and fiddled with car seats. BDX worked great in this regard. But, after we had two of the real thing, the doll got parked in the closet, and then I lent it to my mom for use in her pre school classroom.

Along with BDX went bags of newborn sized clothing, and I didn't give it a second thought. Until we were expecting baby AK. It was summer, school was out, and my mom had the bright idea of bringing over baby dolls to help the boys get acclimated to the idea of having a sibling. NB promptly grabbed BDX and dashed it to the floor saying "Baby NO!", while DA dragged BDX 's cousin around by the arm and down the stairs. I rescued X, and I was surprised by how naturally it curled up on my shoulder, how realistically it's head turned in the direction of my breast while I cradled it in my arms. The memories came flooding back, and I found myself absentmindedly patting it's padded bottom as I gently bounced and swayed. Ahhhh.... Now I remember.

Flash forward about 3 years. My good friend has given AK a beautiful doll cradle for Christmas, but she has no dolls. My mom is now retired, but she brought home all her stuff, including Baby doll X, so once again the doll comes back. It is a little bit worse for wear this time around. It is over 5 years old by now, after all, and has been through the wars.

The baby doll has been dressed in hand me down overalls, the cutest things that the boys used to wear all the time, with a hat that DB wore home from the hospital. I pick it up and it snuggles up against my shoulder in that familiar way. But this time it is different. It is just a toy. It has no useful purpose here except to fill AK's cradle. Holding it fills me with sadness and a sense of loss. I'm not pregnant this time around, and I most likely never will be again. AK and NB enjoy rocking X in the cradle until it falls out, making me cringe. They strip it naked and leave it dangling in positions that make me want to snatch it away from harm. It stirs a desire inside, it grows into a wish, and I try to shut the feelings up in a box. I start to avoid the doll until it is just another part of the toy filled background. But it doesn't work. The box has been blown wide open.

Yesterday, I went into the parlor and sat down on the floor by the doll cradle. BDX was once again abandoned on the floor, it's clothes askew, diaper off, with it's arms all akimbo. And I found myself straitening it. I snapped on the cloth diaper and dressed it, swaddled and held it close. Aaaahhh..... And for the first time AK sits down next to me and gently pats the dolls head and sings it a little song. And I can't stop myself from thinking "Maybe next year, this scene will be for real."

At the very least, maybe it will help boost my estrogen levels a little bit. :)