It Feels Like the First Time. (well....not exactly)

Finally, I have a transfer date. August 2. Tomorrow is my baseline ultrasound, day 1, and I get to drop the dreaded Lu.pron down to 5. Which is a giant relief, because the headaches and the constant draggy feeling is driving me crazy. That's just how it is, though, the minute you can't stand it anymore you get to move one to....yippee....estrogen patches!!!! woo. hoo.

Can you tell that I am...shall we say....underwhelmed? unenthusiastic? under...something. I can remember that first time my husband and I "flew without a net". How excited I was! I couldn't sleep. I just lay there in the dark thinking...This could be it. I could be pregnant. We could have a BABY. O my frickin G.od we could have a BABY!!!

Well, not so much. If you have any of the handful of posts I've written you know that it didn't work out that way. But I was enthusiastic about my first round of IVF. I had that wonderful feeling of butterflies in my chest. What joy that was. What a wonderful feeling to have that hope back. I had just about forgotten that feeling entirely after having spent two years trying with nothing to show for it...not even a moment where I thought "maybe I could be pregnant". But, then that cycle didn't work...or the next one... and somewhere along the line I stopped having that loving feeling. I would have hope, but it was polluted with a huge pile of skepticism. Then I had the miscarriage and I totally didn't care anymore...

This cycle is a total bonus for me. It is a total freebie. It is the strangest feeling in the world, going through IVF as if it is happening to someone else. I'm not afraid....but I'm also not skeptical. I don't feel anger, or longing, or jealousy. But I also don't feel hopeful. I wasn't giddy when I got my big box of meds. There were no jitters when I gave myself that first shot. I am so glad that I have this chance...to try and conceive free and clear of doubts or expectations, like it's the very first time. But man, what I wouldn't give to have some of those first time butterflies back.