Chickenpig makes a bold decision...damn the consequences

First off, before I write this I want both of the people who read my blog to know that my husband and I are not independently wealthy but that we are incredibly lucky. Well...to qualify that...we are lucky in some things. We both had very bad luck in the father department. We apparently had terrible luck when it came to buying a house...until recently. And we did have the bad luck of having infertility, hubby with his crappy sperm and me with my gigantic fibroid. Where we do have the luck is with our insurance. And with my body's amazing ability to produce many healthy eggs in one go. We also have been very lucky to have two healthy pregnancies that resulted in three wonderful, healthy children. Very, very lucky.

I also am lucky enough to have frozen embryos. Four of the little totsicles. The only reason we have the totsicles is because in 2007 we thought our insurance luck had run out. We wanted to transfer the two remaining embryos we had in storage, and when we began the process we got a letter from our insurance company telling us that the meds we had ordered were not covered because we exceeded our lifetime quota for infertility. We knew that wasn't right because our insurance had no cap. With a little research and a lot of calls to HR we figured out that the company would be switching over to a lifetime cap of 3 cycles for IF in 2008, just a few months away, and that the insurance ppl had been getting ahead of themselves. The FET ended in a chemical pregnancy, and more than anything I wanted to try again, and I knew that it was now or never. We could scrape and afford the 3,550 price tag for a FET, but there was no way we would go into debt to do a fresh cycle when the insurance changed. So we bit the bullet and did a fresh cycle right before year's end....and got pregnant.

Now it is three years later, and I have been agonizing about what to do with them since AK was still a baby. Should I put them up for embryo adoption? Dispose of them? Donate them to science? And the storage fees are piling up. My husband is no help, either. I think he feels if he just ignores them the clinic will just dispose of them...no harm no foul. But he doesn't face the fact that he will still have to pay. And like I mentioned earlier...we're not independently wealthy.

I would like to be able to let go of these embryos, but I just can't. I hold my kids and I can't imagine having a brother or sister of theirs and giving it up.(Not that anyone would want them, considering the things that run in the family, like autism, mental illness, and addiction) I can't imagine destroying them, or giving them up for science. I am pro choice, and I have never believed that life begins at conception, and I would never dream of telling someone else what to do with her body. But I have had to admit to myself since my twins were thawed, transferred, and grown into babies before my eyes....there is something there. It is a potential something, four somethings, and I can't look myself in the eye and lie about it. I just can't. So I'm doing the only thing I can do, I'm going to transfer them.

I admit it is selfish. I admit that it's greedy. I admit that I'm crazy. But at least I am lucky. My husband's workplace dropped our insurance in 2008 for a plan that costs us more and gives us less coverage. But what it also gives us....that's right....three more cycles covered by insurance. 90% covered, after our deductible, not to exceed $750.

So...how much do you hate me now? Not completely, I hope, because I don't want to do this alone. My husband, the understanding soul that he is, has agreed to my logic, and bent before the sometimes overwhelming power of my will, but he is not happy about it. Perhaps he will relish the act of shooting hormones into the upper quadrant of my ample buttocks, and so enact his revenge? I don't know. What I do know is that my future has split into two distinct paths, one where I get pregnant and one where I don't...and I am incredibly over the moon excited about just having the chance.

Tonight, I will be injecting myself with 10 units of Lupron, for the 5th day in a row, and I'm loving every minute of it.