Futility

Today I'm feeling the futility of everything I do. I don't feel sad...or blah...or angry...just bogged down. The only cure for feeling this way that I know of is to DO something, but I feel hopelessly stuck.

I cook the boys a healthy meal...but I know they won't eat most of it, and that the remainder will get tossed on the floor.

I put them both on the potty but I know that DA won't do anything, and will scream NO NO NO at the top of his lungs while doing it.

I put AK down for her nap, but I know that the bassinet is too small, and that what she really needs is a crib. But where will I put it?

I know that everything will work out eventually, but right now I am stuck. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I don't have the faintest idea on how to get from here to there.

I never used to feel this way while doing IVF and trying to get pregnant. I know that other people feel the hopelessness of it all...that they feel angry. Maybe even betrayed by their God. But I never did. I believed, no, I knew that I would be a parent one day. One way or another I would be. Sure, most of the time I didn't think that I would have a biological child, but I would have a child. I just had to work at it.

I didn't hate IVF. I felt like I was doing something. Sometimes I actually enjoyed it. Measuring out the meds, going to appointments, getting blood drawn. I was DOING something, going somewhere, taking action. I was moving on down the road. I didn't know all the twists and turns but I knew I was going somewhere. There was a beginning, a middle, and someday there would be an ending.

And now I have my ending. But the end was just the beginning, and now I spend a lot of days floating around. I liked my life having a goal, a project. Now I have lots of goals and tons of projects, but I can't see how to do them, or even start.

I need a bigger house, but how will we get one if we can't sell this one? And how will I sell it if I can't get the projects done that will make it sellable? How can I find time to do those projects when I can't even find time to shower? How I can I stand myself when there are so many others who would be begging to have these problems? To have three kids in a tiny house that they bought when they thought they would be lucky to even have ONE?

How do you toilet train twin three year old boys? Seriously..how do you? Because I haven't a clue, apparently.

How do I get there from here? And where is there?