I wish that I had the courage to POAS right now. But I don't. I do have a lot of symptoms that seem to be saying 'pregnant', at least most of the time. While I know that I very well may be deluding myself, I don't have a problem with that. I'm all for living in the moment and believing that I'm pregnant. You can all call me a naive idiot later, I don't mind.
Buuuut on the other hand... Like everyone else, I would really just like to know NOW. I would love to not be stressing all day when that dreaded phone call comes in. If I could trust the results right now from taking a test I would do it. But here's the catch, my betas are always on the low side. When I was pregnant with my twins, my beta at 11dp3dt was 101. If I should be so lucky to be pregnant now, that would mean on Wed HCG would be about 50, and today 25. With my daughter, I had a whopping HCG of 40. That would mean maybe 20 on Wed and only 10 today. With my chemical pregnancy, that totally made me feel pregnant btw, my HCG was only 25.
The weird thing is, that every time I've been pregnant, whether it ended well or not, I have felt pregnant. I was so confident when I was pregnant with my daughter that when I answered the phone I said "I'm pregnant, right?". The thing is, no one but me thought I was going to stay that way. With a number that started out on the low side, and then only went up to 65, I was given about a 15% chance or less of that embryo turning into a baby. When the third beta came back, and it had struggled up to a respectable 117, my RE was so convinced it was an ectopic he had me come in for an early US. I was calm as a cucumber. I just knew that it was going to be ok. Which is strange in itself, because normally I'm totally pessimistic.
Right now, I feel like I'm floating on a bubble. One wrong move and it just...might...pop. I'm trying not to obsess about the symptoms, at the same time I'm trying not to be confident in what they might mean. What I wish is that just for once I could be confident enough to POAS and believe the results. But since I can't even get a couple of beta tests to make me confident in the results, that's not going to happen. *sigh*
Maybe if I'm still feeling pregnant on Wednesday?..... :)
Monday, November 7, 2011
Friday, November 4, 2011
Day 7
One week down, one to go! Halfway through the dreaded 2ww and all is well. That is to say, I feel a plethora of symptoms, real, imagined, and progesterone induced. What it all adds up to remains to be seen until next week, but the fact that I'm still feeling anything (besides the typical sore boobs) is helping me to remain hopeful and positive. Here's the list for anyone whose playing along:
*typical progesterone symptoms that don't mean much.
P.S. Thank you to everyone that responded to my letter. You guys are great :)
- sore boobs, which are also very sensitive to cold and touch*
- constant twitches, pulls, and etc in my abdomen
- constant hunger*
- fatigue
- thirst
- more frequent urination
- feeling warmer than usual, sometimes uncomfortably so
- and as of yesterday, a little bit of nausea, and basically not feeling well, as if I'm coming down with something
*typical progesterone symptoms that don't mean much.
P.S. Thank you to everyone that responded to my letter. You guys are great :)
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
a letter
Dear embryos,
I know that you guys only consist of a few cells, but I am already in love. I am staring at your picture right now, and let me tell you, you are all gorgeous. None of you are "perfect", but what is perfection, anyway? I have already memorized how each of you look. I can see you when I close my eyes, just like I will memorize your faces if you should make it that far.
Please stay. I say this to all of you, even if the thought of having all three of you snuggling in for the long haul makes me a little scared. I can take it, I promise. My body is strong and healthy, if not as young as it once was. I promise I will eat healthy food, drink plenty of water, and take my vitamins. I know my life is a little hectic, but I do get plenty of rest, and I will take even more if you stick around.
Please stay. You have three brothers and sisters who will love to play with you. Yes, they'll be a bit older than you, but they are for the most part, kind and gentle. I will try and keep your sister from fussing with you too much. We have a big house, with plenty of room for you to make your own, and lots of places perfect for playing hide and seek. We have a big yard with a play scape, woods to explore (when you're older!) and even a safe parking lot perfect for bike riding.
Please stay. Your Dad and I have so much love to give. We don't have all the money in the world, but we have enough to give you a comfortable life. We love life, and we love kids, and we love to play. It would be my pleasure to ignore the dishes and just play on the floor with you. Your Dad and I love to spend time picking out the perfect pumpkin and then carving it, or making Christmas cookies. But we also love just doing the ordinary things. Your Dad is crazy in the grocery store! We're not perfect, nobody is, but we are loving, and we try...we really try, to be the best, most patient parents we can be.
I love you. I will love you. I would love to see what babies, what children, you could become.
Please stay
Your adoring mother
I know that you guys only consist of a few cells, but I am already in love. I am staring at your picture right now, and let me tell you, you are all gorgeous. None of you are "perfect", but what is perfection, anyway? I have already memorized how each of you look. I can see you when I close my eyes, just like I will memorize your faces if you should make it that far.
Please stay. I say this to all of you, even if the thought of having all three of you snuggling in for the long haul makes me a little scared. I can take it, I promise. My body is strong and healthy, if not as young as it once was. I promise I will eat healthy food, drink plenty of water, and take my vitamins. I know my life is a little hectic, but I do get plenty of rest, and I will take even more if you stick around.
Please stay. You have three brothers and sisters who will love to play with you. Yes, they'll be a bit older than you, but they are for the most part, kind and gentle. I will try and keep your sister from fussing with you too much. We have a big house, with plenty of room for you to make your own, and lots of places perfect for playing hide and seek. We have a big yard with a play scape, woods to explore (when you're older!) and even a safe parking lot perfect for bike riding.
Please stay. Your Dad and I have so much love to give. We don't have all the money in the world, but we have enough to give you a comfortable life. We love life, and we love kids, and we love to play. It would be my pleasure to ignore the dishes and just play on the floor with you. Your Dad and I love to spend time picking out the perfect pumpkin and then carving it, or making Christmas cookies. But we also love just doing the ordinary things. Your Dad is crazy in the grocery store! We're not perfect, nobody is, but we are loving, and we try...we really try, to be the best, most patient parents we can be.
I love you. I will love you. I would love to see what babies, what children, you could become.
Please stay
Your adoring mother
Monday, October 31, 2011
Running over the same old ground
On this day seven years ago I got my first positive beta ever. Today, I transferred 3 decent looking 3 day old embryos. On November 11 I go in for my pregnancy test. Four years ago on November 11, I transferred two embryos, one of which became my daughter. I seem to be running over the same dates and times while ttc, wearing a groove. I hope that this November 11 is another bright spot on my November timeline, along with the transfer of my daughter and the birth of my boys on the 29th.
The transfer went ok. It was done by a doctor in the practice whom I'm not familiar with very much, except for his picture on the brochures and stuff. His bedside manner left something to be desired, compared to my doctor who jokes with me and gives me great feedback about the embryos. He had a great touch though, and I didn't have the discomfort I had last time.
There was no problem with the snow and the power. On the way back home, though, we ran into a lot of crap. First off we wanted to grab a bite to eat because it was lunch time. There was an incredible line at the diner because people were looking for a place with power to eat, although it moved very quickly. Then we needed to get gas and ended up waiting in line for almost an hour to put enough gas in our tank to get home. Now I'm sitting in my recliner at home while my husband takes the kiddies out trick or treating :( They looked so amazing in their costumes, and they were soooo excited to be going out that they could barely stand still.
It feels good to be PUPO :) In spite of not being able to go out, I'm enjoying the quiet time in the house, and I am in a really good mood. I hope that I can carry it forward for the next 11 days.
The transfer went ok. It was done by a doctor in the practice whom I'm not familiar with very much, except for his picture on the brochures and stuff. His bedside manner left something to be desired, compared to my doctor who jokes with me and gives me great feedback about the embryos. He had a great touch though, and I didn't have the discomfort I had last time.
There was no problem with the snow and the power. On the way back home, though, we ran into a lot of crap. First off we wanted to grab a bite to eat because it was lunch time. There was an incredible line at the diner because people were looking for a place with power to eat, although it moved very quickly. Then we needed to get gas and ended up waiting in line for almost an hour to put enough gas in our tank to get home. Now I'm sitting in my recliner at home while my husband takes the kiddies out trick or treating :( They looked so amazing in their costumes, and they were soooo excited to be going out that they could barely stand still.
It feels good to be PUPO :) In spite of not being able to go out, I'm enjoying the quiet time in the house, and I am in a really good mood. I hope that I can carry it forward for the next 11 days.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
C'mon lucky seven!!!
Out of the 16 eggs retrieved, 11 were mature, and 7 fertilized. Those aren't bad numbers for me. I usually have a lot less mature eggs, probably because I have always ended up coasting for the last few days until retrieval to prevent hyper stimulation.
Transfer day is Monday at 10:30. I hope that at least 3 of the 7 embryos are good enough to transfer. I would love to have enough to freeze one or two for a final FET if needed, but I'm not counting on it. The problem with our severe male factor is that even the good looking sperm often don't have great DNA, we never know what lies in wait for us.
In other news, we have our first winter storm! Storm Alfred has been dumping heavy, wet snow on us all day and is supposed to continue until dawn. We will probably have a foot of snow by the time it winds down. Much of the state of Ct already is experiencing power outages. We still have power...for now. (dum dum dum...ominous music). I hope that they have back up power at the clinic! (I'm sure they have generators. most likely, right?).
Transfer day is Monday at 10:30. I hope that at least 3 of the 7 embryos are good enough to transfer. I would love to have enough to freeze one or two for a final FET if needed, but I'm not counting on it. The problem with our severe male factor is that even the good looking sperm often don't have great DNA, we never know what lies in wait for us.
In other news, we have our first winter storm! Storm Alfred has been dumping heavy, wet snow on us all day and is supposed to continue until dawn. We will probably have a foot of snow by the time it winds down. Much of the state of Ct already is experiencing power outages. We still have power...for now. (dum dum dum...ominous music). I hope that they have back up power at the clinic! (I'm sure they have generators. most likely, right?).
Friday, October 28, 2011
Retrieval day
Everything went smooth and swimmingly. Even the IV was painless. Coming out of the anesthesia I had a strangely distorted sense of time, it seemed to take forever for my husband to arrive at my bedside, although the nurse and DH assured me that it had taken only a few minutes to collect him from the waiting room.
We've got 16 eggs! Not too shabby given my age. Tomorrow they'll call with our fertilization results. I can't wait :)
My husband is outside getting everything out of the garage. Our insurance company is going to drop our homeowner's insurance if we don't knock it down by Monday. And it snowed last night! Enough so that there was snow on the roofs of many cars driving in this morning. I bought the makings for my daughter's costume, but I still don't have the fabric for NB's hat. Things are getting just a little crazy around here. Here's to hoping that we have a new baby to add to the chaos next year!
We've got 16 eggs! Not too shabby given my age. Tomorrow they'll call with our fertilization results. I can't wait :)
My husband is outside getting everything out of the garage. Our insurance company is going to drop our homeowner's insurance if we don't knock it down by Monday. And it snowed last night! Enough so that there was snow on the roofs of many cars driving in this morning. I bought the makings for my daughter's costume, but I still don't have the fabric for NB's hat. Things are getting just a little crazy around here. Here's to hoping that we have a new baby to add to the chaos next year!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Things are popping out all over!
I've got follicles. Not the usual huge amount, but since I'm 41 now I'll take what I can get :) There are 15 follicles of a good size, a good handful of which are 19 or higher. Trigger is tonight, retrieval Friday, transfer on Monday.
With only 15 follicles right now I really don't know how well things will go. Even though I have produced good eggs in the past, (and hopefully Friday, too) our fertilization rates are kind of crappy. Out of 21, 19, and 22 eggs...if I remember the numbers correctly I have only had two good ones to transfer, and 4 to freeze with each cycle. I hope like crazy that I can get at least three embryos to transfer, but I'm not holding out any hope for more than that.
I'm going to be so happy when I am in the downward stretch of this roller coaster with embryos on board. I'm bloated and uncomfortable and a little stressed out about the whole timing of everything. Transfer day is Halloween, and I have been given strict instructions to NOT go Trick or Treating with the kids. This saddens me deeply, and I still haven't finished 2 of the 3 costumes. I know that you just can't tell going into a fresh IVF cycle when everything is going to happen, and if I hadn't had to delay stims because of my weird lining I would have gone through retrieval already, but I still feel guilty.
With only 15 follicles right now I really don't know how well things will go. Even though I have produced good eggs in the past, (and hopefully Friday, too) our fertilization rates are kind of crappy. Out of 21, 19, and 22 eggs...if I remember the numbers correctly I have only had two good ones to transfer, and 4 to freeze with each cycle. I hope like crazy that I can get at least three embryos to transfer, but I'm not holding out any hope for more than that.
I'm going to be so happy when I am in the downward stretch of this roller coaster with embryos on board. I'm bloated and uncomfortable and a little stressed out about the whole timing of everything. Transfer day is Halloween, and I have been given strict instructions to NOT go Trick or Treating with the kids. This saddens me deeply, and I still haven't finished 2 of the 3 costumes. I know that you just can't tell going into a fresh IVF cycle when everything is going to happen, and if I hadn't had to delay stims because of my weird lining I would have gone through retrieval already, but I still feel guilty.
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