I've been reading around the blogosphere lately, infertility blogs for the most part. (no surprise) And something has come to my attention. Women who become pregnant after infertility are a guilt ridden, apologetic, lot. I admit, I have succumbed to this phenomena as well. I have a fair share of survivor's guilt, or maybe it's just common sense. I don't want to throw the fact that I have been successful in anybody's face who may be reading this blog. I understand that I have signed up with other women who are undergoing treatment at the same time as I am. I have rolled out the red welcome mat, so to speak, to people who are trying RIGHT NOW to conceive. Chances are they don't want to read about my problems in the parenting trenches.
On the other hand, I am reading the blogs of women who are trying to get pregnant, and some that have recently become pregnant, and I want to continue reading their blogs. I'm hooked. I want to read about ongoing treatments AND ongoing pregnancies. But...I don't want to keep reading the apologies.
When you have had your head in a toilet bowl for 12 hrs straight because you're pregnant with twins, there is no need to preface your post with "I know I shouldn't be complaining about pregnancy symptoms, and I am really, really, grateful just to BE pregnant, BUT....." . You don't have to apologize. We get it. And if there are readers who don't get it, they should.
Listen up infertility universe, I'm talking to YOU. It is hard for us to get pregnant. And here's the kicker, it can be just as hard to BE pregnant. And after THAT (you're not going to want to hear this...sorry) it can be just as hard to parent. Yup, that's right, all three can really, really, suck. And at all three stages, we should have EVERY RIGHT TO COMPLAIN!
Complaining doesn't make you ungrateful. Having a hard day doesn't make you unworthy. Having to wait doesn't make being pregnant or parenting easier for us. (wish it did, but nope).
So bring it on, ladies. I will be reading your blogs, whether I get pregnant this cycle or not. I dare you all to say "I'm glad to be finally pregnant, but DAMN some days it just sucks!"
No apologies necessary :) Honest.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Happy Day!
Today, at 9:40 AM, my little baby AK turned 3 years old. Three already, I can't believe it.
AND, Kristen, over at Buck up Butturcup got a HUGE BFP today!!!!!!
Happiness. :)
I can't wait for more of those to roll in, because I know they're out there. Maybe even one for me????? (hint, hint, infertility universe).
I got my call from the nurse. Transfer is scheduled for 11:30 AM on Tuesday, but I have to show up there at 11:00 with a full bladder. It's going to be a busy two week wait for me. We've got a combined birthday party for myself and Princess Adele Fussy Pants on Sunday the 14th. It won't be the first party we've had here at the 'Doctor Willia.m Harr.is'* residence, but it will be the biggest one so far, if we can get everyone to attend. It will also be the first time some of my rather stuck up relatives will see the house, so you know, it's got to look all perty.
I have begun my preparation for this time the best I can so far. Yesterday I cleaned the upstairs bathroom, including all the somewhat harsh chemicals that are only needed infrequently. Hubby will only have to touch it up for the party. The rest of today and Monday will involve heavy floor cleaning, because due to bleeding and spotting I've had during pregnancies in the past, especially right after vacuuming, I am justifiably wary of cleaning them after transfer. After transfer, and a very brief rest, I'll probably continue straitening, laundry, dusting, window cleaning, stuff that doesn't need lifting or stretching. My biggest concern is the garden, which right now looks like ass, and I won't want to be working in it in the sun. If I am lucky enough to get pregnant, I won't care about letting it go to seed until the fall, but I don't want it looking this way for company. Maybe tonight and Monday I can tackle the lion's share of the weeds....
Other than that, I've got a stack of books from the library, shopping for AK to do, and maybe a knitting project? I'm looking forward to having those embryos thawed and hopefully setting up shop!!!! This cycle is taking FOREVER.
Congrats again to Kristen!!!! Looking forward to doubling betas and a great ultrasound (fingers crossed, knock on wood and all that :)
*Dr Will.am Har.ris is the gentleman who built our house, somewhere betweein 1796 and 1818, records vary. He might not actually have built it, but purchased it from a different doctor in 1820. I've broken up the gents name, because if you google him you will be able to see my house :) and find this blog.
AND, Kristen, over at Buck up Butturcup got a HUGE BFP today!!!!!!
Happiness. :)
I can't wait for more of those to roll in, because I know they're out there. Maybe even one for me????? (hint, hint, infertility universe).
I got my call from the nurse. Transfer is scheduled for 11:30 AM on Tuesday, but I have to show up there at 11:00 with a full bladder. It's going to be a busy two week wait for me. We've got a combined birthday party for myself and Princess Adele Fussy Pants on Sunday the 14th. It won't be the first party we've had here at the 'Doctor Willia.m Harr.is'* residence, but it will be the biggest one so far, if we can get everyone to attend. It will also be the first time some of my rather stuck up relatives will see the house, so you know, it's got to look all perty.
I have begun my preparation for this time the best I can so far. Yesterday I cleaned the upstairs bathroom, including all the somewhat harsh chemicals that are only needed infrequently. Hubby will only have to touch it up for the party. The rest of today and Monday will involve heavy floor cleaning, because due to bleeding and spotting I've had during pregnancies in the past, especially right after vacuuming, I am justifiably wary of cleaning them after transfer. After transfer, and a very brief rest, I'll probably continue straitening, laundry, dusting, window cleaning, stuff that doesn't need lifting or stretching. My biggest concern is the garden, which right now looks like ass, and I won't want to be working in it in the sun. If I am lucky enough to get pregnant, I won't care about letting it go to seed until the fall, but I don't want it looking this way for company. Maybe tonight and Monday I can tackle the lion's share of the weeds....
Other than that, I've got a stack of books from the library, shopping for AK to do, and maybe a knitting project? I'm looking forward to having those embryos thawed and hopefully setting up shop!!!! This cycle is taking FOREVER.
Congrats again to Kristen!!!! Looking forward to doubling betas and a great ultrasound (fingers crossed, knock on wood and all that :)
*Dr Will.am Har.ris is the gentleman who built our house, somewhere betweein 1796 and 1818, records vary. He might not actually have built it, but purchased it from a different doctor in 1820. I've broken up the gents name, because if you google him you will be able to see my house :) and find this blog.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Bloggy Love
Yeah, now that's more like it! E2 blood work came back at a respectable 400 *whew*. When I had blood drawn Thursday the nurse said "I don't know what the doctor will say. I don't think he'll cancel your transfer because your lining looks good...but we'll have to wait and see." Whaaaaat???
I have decided officially that 1) quest lab results run a little high 2) my clinic's lab numbers run a little low. Between the two of them I don't know which way is up. I know one thing for sure, I always test low for everything, betas included, I think I really metabolize hormones super fast. I know that my lining looks good and I don't have to do more blood work until Monday morning. I'll be sure to pop one of those estrogen pills right before I go.
I can't wait to transfer those embryos. I feel like I am in the 2ww already, and I still have 4 more days to go before they put them I!! . Aaarg I hate to wait. This 2ww is going to be the worse wait ever. And it's not like I don't have a ton of stuff to do around here, because I do, I just can't focus on anything but this Tour de Crotch. Last Lu.pron shot tonight. (yeah!) Progesterone shots start tomorrow (boo!) along with medrol, and doxy.
Thank you to everyone that has come on this blog these past couple of weeks. And thank all of you for WRITING such wonderful blogs. Thank you for letting me into your lives and cycles, so I can keep my mind off of my own. Thank you for sharing your book ideas, your diet success stories, your feelings about infertility, your highs and your lows this month. And thank you for holding my hand and giving me such kind and helpful comments here. Your kindness and patience with me has been appreciated most of all.
I know it isn't easy for most of you to come here and read posts on a 'parenting after infertility' blog. I know that this blog could be a mine field at any time, especially when you are chock up to the gills with hormones. Sometimes I am embarrassed by all that I have. I can't give everyone the luck I've had with insurance, or my luck with my past cycles, but I wish I could. I really, really do. And I promise not to talk about my kids too much. Some other time, most likely, but not now.
I started trying to conceive in the year 2000. That was a loooong time ago. I have learned a lot about infertility and its treatment over the years, but I still have stuff to learn, and I'm learning it from YOU guys, all of you. :) Thank you.
(but I won't start naming names, because then I would leave somebody out, and that would suck donkey balls.)
I have decided officially that 1) quest lab results run a little high 2) my clinic's lab numbers run a little low. Between the two of them I don't know which way is up. I know one thing for sure, I always test low for everything, betas included, I think I really metabolize hormones super fast. I know that my lining looks good and I don't have to do more blood work until Monday morning. I'll be sure to pop one of those estrogen pills right before I go.
I can't wait to transfer those embryos. I feel like I am in the 2ww already, and I still have 4 more days to go before they put them I!! . Aaarg I hate to wait. This 2ww is going to be the worse wait ever. And it's not like I don't have a ton of stuff to do around here, because I do, I just can't focus on anything but this Tour de Crotch. Last Lu.pron shot tonight. (yeah!) Progesterone shots start tomorrow (boo!) along with medrol, and doxy.
Thank you to everyone that has come on this blog these past couple of weeks. And thank all of you for WRITING such wonderful blogs. Thank you for letting me into your lives and cycles, so I can keep my mind off of my own. Thank you for sharing your book ideas, your diet success stories, your feelings about infertility, your highs and your lows this month. And thank you for holding my hand and giving me such kind and helpful comments here. Your kindness and patience with me has been appreciated most of all.
I know it isn't easy for most of you to come here and read posts on a 'parenting after infertility' blog. I know that this blog could be a mine field at any time, especially when you are chock up to the gills with hormones. Sometimes I am embarrassed by all that I have. I can't give everyone the luck I've had with insurance, or my luck with my past cycles, but I wish I could. I really, really do. And I promise not to talk about my kids too much. Some other time, most likely, but not now.
I started trying to conceive in the year 2000. That was a loooong time ago. I have learned a lot about infertility and its treatment over the years, but I still have stuff to learn, and I'm learning it from YOU guys, all of you. :) Thank you.
(but I won't start naming names, because then I would leave somebody out, and that would suck donkey balls.)
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Plan B
Cd12 and things are moving right along. I'm not sure what my E2 level is yet, but my lining is a lush and cushy 13mm. I really want to just get this show on the road, already!!!
Usually at this time in the cycle I start thinking about what my next course of action will be if I don't get pregnant. It helps with the sting of a BFN for me when I have a plan. But with this cycle I don't have a plan, and that is starting to worry me a bit.
I do have a little bit of a plan. After these two embryos I will still have two, if I don't have to thaw all four to get one or two to transfer. Since my newly minted insurance pays for 3 cycles, I will still have the money to do another FET. IF I have the inclination, that is, and right now I'm not sure if I do. I'm tired of this, to be honest, sick of the shots, the monitoring, the blood draws, and the waiting. But I know I will have to. However this cycle pans out, I'll still have to do something with those embryos, and not wanting to dispose of them is how I got here in the first place. Maybe it's better if this cycle DOESN'T work.
But what happens when BOTH cycles don't work, and I'm left with this empty feeling in my gut? And one cycle still sitting there taunting me? The image I have of my life in the future has opened up to include juggling my life with a new baby and I don't want to shut that door. Life without that possibility suddenly seems dimmer and sadder to me...just a little. I'll have to start thinking harder about Plan B. Hopefully I can come up with something more tantalizing than toilet training.
Usually at this time in the cycle I start thinking about what my next course of action will be if I don't get pregnant. It helps with the sting of a BFN for me when I have a plan. But with this cycle I don't have a plan, and that is starting to worry me a bit.
I do have a little bit of a plan. After these two embryos I will still have two, if I don't have to thaw all four to get one or two to transfer. Since my newly minted insurance pays for 3 cycles, I will still have the money to do another FET. IF I have the inclination, that is, and right now I'm not sure if I do. I'm tired of this, to be honest, sick of the shots, the monitoring, the blood draws, and the waiting. But I know I will have to. However this cycle pans out, I'll still have to do something with those embryos, and not wanting to dispose of them is how I got here in the first place. Maybe it's better if this cycle DOESN'T work.
But what happens when BOTH cycles don't work, and I'm left with this empty feeling in my gut? And one cycle still sitting there taunting me? The image I have of my life in the future has opened up to include juggling my life with a new baby and I don't want to shut that door. Life without that possibility suddenly seems dimmer and sadder to me...just a little. I'll have to start thinking harder about Plan B. Hopefully I can come up with something more tantalizing than toilet training.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Just another day
Cycle day 10 and all is well. The nurse called and my estrogen finally seems to be where they want it, after increasing the patches and taking little estrace pills twice a day. Whew. I go on Wednesday to have blood work and an ultrasound to check my lining. Hopefully my uterus is perking up and getting ready for company or I'm going to have to give it a strong talking to.
I've been allowing myself to think happy baby thoughts. I've thought about what color I would paint the baby's room. I've walked into the laundry room to put clothes in the dryer and have thought "I wonder if NOW that I have a decent washer and dryer that isn't in a creepy basement, if doing cloth diapers would be a doable option?" And I have played with baby doll X, something I normally avoid doing unless AK, or maybe NB, begs me to help dress it.
I have to explain about Baby doll X. BDX is a baby doll (obviously) of lifelike size and proportions that I bought while pregnant with the twins. It is 21" long, bald, with a cute newborn squinched up face, with spiky blond eyelashes around it's dark baby blue eyes. It is jointed with a weighted down bean-bag body that flops about in a creepily realistic fashion. It was purchased for only 16 bucks at a big lot discount store. It's intended purpose was to help my husband and I get used to the feeling of handling a newborn, and to use it as a stand in dummy as we adjusted straps and fiddled with car seats. BDX worked great in this regard. But, after we had two of the real thing, the doll got parked in the closet, and then I lent it to my mom for use in her pre school classroom.
Along with BDX went bags of newborn sized clothing, and I didn't give it a second thought. Until we were expecting baby AK. It was summer, school was out, and my mom had the bright idea of bringing over baby dolls to help the boys get acclimated to the idea of having a sibling. NB promptly grabbed BDX and dashed it to the floor saying "Baby NO!", while DA dragged BDX 's cousin around by the arm and down the stairs. I rescued X, and I was surprised by how naturally it curled up on my shoulder, how realistically it's head turned in the direction of my breast while I cradled it in my arms. The memories came flooding back, and I found myself absentmindedly patting it's padded bottom as I gently bounced and swayed. Ahhhh.... Now I remember.
Flash forward about 3 years. My good friend has given AK a beautiful doll cradle for Christmas, but she has no dolls. My mom is now retired, but she brought home all her stuff, including Baby doll X, so once again the doll comes back. It is a little bit worse for wear this time around. It is over 5 years old by now, after all, and has been through the wars.
The baby doll has been dressed in hand me down overalls, the cutest things that the boys used to wear all the time, with a hat that DB wore home from the hospital. I pick it up and it snuggles up against my shoulder in that familiar way. But this time it is different. It is just a toy. It has no useful purpose here except to fill AK's cradle. Holding it fills me with sadness and a sense of loss. I'm not pregnant this time around, and I most likely never will be again. AK and NB enjoy rocking X in the cradle until it falls out, making me cringe. They strip it naked and leave it dangling in positions that make me want to snatch it away from harm. It stirs a desire inside, it grows into a wish, and I try to shut the feelings up in a box. I start to avoid the doll until it is just another part of the toy filled background. But it doesn't work. The box has been blown wide open.
Yesterday, I went into the parlor and sat down on the floor by the doll cradle. BDX was once again abandoned on the floor, it's clothes askew, diaper off, with it's arms all akimbo. And I found myself straitening it. I snapped on the cloth diaper and dressed it, swaddled and held it close. Aaaahhh..... And for the first time AK sits down next to me and gently pats the dolls head and sings it a little song. And I can't stop myself from thinking "Maybe next year, this scene will be for real."
At the very least, maybe it will help boost my estrogen levels a little bit. :)
I've been allowing myself to think happy baby thoughts. I've thought about what color I would paint the baby's room. I've walked into the laundry room to put clothes in the dryer and have thought "I wonder if NOW that I have a decent washer and dryer that isn't in a creepy basement, if doing cloth diapers would be a doable option?" And I have played with baby doll X, something I normally avoid doing unless AK, or maybe NB, begs me to help dress it.
I have to explain about Baby doll X. BDX is a baby doll (obviously) of lifelike size and proportions that I bought while pregnant with the twins. It is 21" long, bald, with a cute newborn squinched up face, with spiky blond eyelashes around it's dark baby blue eyes. It is jointed with a weighted down bean-bag body that flops about in a creepily realistic fashion. It was purchased for only 16 bucks at a big lot discount store. It's intended purpose was to help my husband and I get used to the feeling of handling a newborn, and to use it as a stand in dummy as we adjusted straps and fiddled with car seats. BDX worked great in this regard. But, after we had two of the real thing, the doll got parked in the closet, and then I lent it to my mom for use in her pre school classroom.
Along with BDX went bags of newborn sized clothing, and I didn't give it a second thought. Until we were expecting baby AK. It was summer, school was out, and my mom had the bright idea of bringing over baby dolls to help the boys get acclimated to the idea of having a sibling. NB promptly grabbed BDX and dashed it to the floor saying "Baby NO!", while DA dragged BDX 's cousin around by the arm and down the stairs. I rescued X, and I was surprised by how naturally it curled up on my shoulder, how realistically it's head turned in the direction of my breast while I cradled it in my arms. The memories came flooding back, and I found myself absentmindedly patting it's padded bottom as I gently bounced and swayed. Ahhhh.... Now I remember.
Flash forward about 3 years. My good friend has given AK a beautiful doll cradle for Christmas, but she has no dolls. My mom is now retired, but she brought home all her stuff, including Baby doll X, so once again the doll comes back. It is a little bit worse for wear this time around. It is over 5 years old by now, after all, and has been through the wars.
The baby doll has been dressed in hand me down overalls, the cutest things that the boys used to wear all the time, with a hat that DB wore home from the hospital. I pick it up and it snuggles up against my shoulder in that familiar way. But this time it is different. It is just a toy. It has no useful purpose here except to fill AK's cradle. Holding it fills me with sadness and a sense of loss. I'm not pregnant this time around, and I most likely never will be again. AK and NB enjoy rocking X in the cradle until it falls out, making me cringe. They strip it naked and leave it dangling in positions that make me want to snatch it away from harm. It stirs a desire inside, it grows into a wish, and I try to shut the feelings up in a box. I start to avoid the doll until it is just another part of the toy filled background. But it doesn't work. The box has been blown wide open.
Yesterday, I went into the parlor and sat down on the floor by the doll cradle. BDX was once again abandoned on the floor, it's clothes askew, diaper off, with it's arms all akimbo. And I found myself straitening it. I snapped on the cloth diaper and dressed it, swaddled and held it close. Aaaahhh..... And for the first time AK sits down next to me and gently pats the dolls head and sings it a little song. And I can't stop myself from thinking "Maybe next year, this scene will be for real."
At the very least, maybe it will help boost my estrogen levels a little bit. :)
Thursday, July 21, 2011
What's In a Name? Part Dos, historical edition
Here are some names that are in my family tree. Go ahead and take 'em, they're all due to be big hits on the baby name parade again. I dare you ;)
For the gents:
Makepeace
Ebenezer
Almanzo
Ezekiel
Hilliard (this one was my Grandfather's. It goes waaay back)
Eckford
For the ladies:
Freelove (no, I'm not kidding, this was a biggie before the Revolution)
Mehitabel
Jezebel
Lydia
Charity, Patience, Prudence, Temperance, Faith, Hope, Chastity and Honor
and #1 on the colonial hit list for the fairer sex: Elisabeth
aka Beth, Betty, Bitsy, Betsy, Eliza, Liza, and Lisa
The most popular name for men around here, prior to the 19th century, appears to be William or James. The most popular for women, besides Lydia and Elisabeth (already mentioned) might be Hannah, Anna or Anne, or Katherine.
Names that are noticeably absent would be Mary, John, Matthew, Mark, or Luke. There were some, but these are Puritan names we're talking about, and they wouldn't want to appear 'papish' (Catholic). When Puritans went to the Bible they went waaaay back and obscure.
So, what do you think? It's time to give the good old Puritanical names a chance, don't you think? The 19th century has had it's day, with all it's Emmas, Lucies, and whatnot. Time to bring about the old school list. ;)
For the gents:
Makepeace
Ebenezer
Almanzo
Ezekiel
Hilliard (this one was my Grandfather's. It goes waaay back)
Eckford
For the ladies:
Freelove (no, I'm not kidding, this was a biggie before the Revolution)
Mehitabel
Jezebel
Lydia
Charity, Patience, Prudence, Temperance, Faith, Hope, Chastity and Honor
and #1 on the colonial hit list for the fairer sex: Elisabeth
aka Beth, Betty, Bitsy, Betsy, Eliza, Liza, and Lisa
The most popular name for men around here, prior to the 19th century, appears to be William or James. The most popular for women, besides Lydia and Elisabeth (already mentioned) might be Hannah, Anna or Anne, or Katherine.
Names that are noticeably absent would be Mary, John, Matthew, Mark, or Luke. There were some, but these are Puritan names we're talking about, and they wouldn't want to appear 'papish' (Catholic). When Puritans went to the Bible they went waaaay back and obscure.
So, what do you think? It's time to give the good old Puritanical names a chance, don't you think? The 19th century has had it's day, with all it's Emmas, Lucies, and whatnot. Time to bring about the old school list. ;)
No More Debbie Downer for me!
Begone, bad thoughts! Begone I say! I started out at the beginning of this FET cycle thankful to have the chance to grab for that brass ring just one...more...time, and Damn It (Janet!) I'm going to stay that way! Hopeful and Thankful. (and nonononono those are NOT going to be the names of my next set of twins. Bite your tongue!).
I have been upset more for other bloggers than myself. Women who need this cycle to work a heck of a lot more than I do. Unfortunately, luck doesn't work that way. There isn't some cosmic number of BFP's out there being parsimoniously handed out like trophies at a state fair. Sure, all of us won't win, but we all COULD.
But....and this is a BIG but (yeah, yeah I said Big But). I already have children. Three children, to be exact: soft, squishy, squirmy, often smelly, loud, messy, and occasionally bratty children. This FET is a total bonus. At the very beginning I intended to make it like a romp, and infertile holiday if you will. I was going to throw 'cautiously optimistic' to the winds and do as the fertiles do. I was going to pick nursery colors before I had my legs up in the stirrups. I was going to start picking out baby names and drop coy hints on Fartbook that we were going to 'start trying' . What the heck? But I haven't been able to quite pull it off, as my last post would attest. Somewhere along the line it stopped being just about me, but about all the brave women I'm cycling with (sorry, that makes it sound like we are all racing in the Tour de Crotch, it is VERY hot here). Somewhere along the line it stopped being just a lark, and an honest to g.od cycle with honest to g.od consequences. Somewhere along the line it stopped being just IVF #7, but the chance at baby #4. A baby....a soft, squishy, often smelly baby, a mix of my husband and me. Now all I want to do is curl up in a ball and mumble over and over "please, please,PLEASE let it work. oh please please please."
Hopeful and Thankful :)
I have been upset more for other bloggers than myself. Women who need this cycle to work a heck of a lot more than I do. Unfortunately, luck doesn't work that way. There isn't some cosmic number of BFP's out there being parsimoniously handed out like trophies at a state fair. Sure, all of us won't win, but we all COULD.
But....and this is a BIG but (yeah, yeah I said Big But). I already have children. Three children, to be exact: soft, squishy, squirmy, often smelly, loud, messy, and occasionally bratty children. This FET is a total bonus. At the very beginning I intended to make it like a romp, and infertile holiday if you will. I was going to throw 'cautiously optimistic' to the winds and do as the fertiles do. I was going to pick nursery colors before I had my legs up in the stirrups. I was going to start picking out baby names and drop coy hints on Fartbook that we were going to 'start trying' . What the heck? But I haven't been able to quite pull it off, as my last post would attest. Somewhere along the line it stopped being just about me, but about all the brave women I'm cycling with (sorry, that makes it sound like we are all racing in the Tour de Crotch, it is VERY hot here). Somewhere along the line it stopped being just a lark, and an honest to g.od cycle with honest to g.od consequences. Somewhere along the line it stopped being just IVF #7, but the chance at baby #4. A baby....a soft, squishy, often smelly baby, a mix of my husband and me. Now all I want to do is curl up in a ball and mumble over and over "please, please,PLEASE let it work. oh please please please."
Hopeful and Thankful :)
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