Yeah, now that's more like it! E2 blood work came back at a respectable 400 *whew*. When I had blood drawn Thursday the nurse said "I don't know what the doctor will say. I don't think he'll cancel your transfer because your lining looks good...but we'll have to wait and see." Whaaaaat???
I have decided officially that 1) quest lab results run a little high 2) my clinic's lab numbers run a little low. Between the two of them I don't know which way is up. I know one thing for sure, I always test low for everything, betas included, I think I really metabolize hormones super fast. I know that my lining looks good and I don't have to do more blood work until Monday morning. I'll be sure to pop one of those estrogen pills right before I go.
I can't wait to transfer those embryos. I feel like I am in the 2ww already, and I still have 4 more days to go before they put them I!! . Aaarg I hate to wait. This 2ww is going to be the worse wait ever. And it's not like I don't have a ton of stuff to do around here, because I do, I just can't focus on anything but this Tour de Crotch. Last Lu.pron shot tonight. (yeah!) Progesterone shots start tomorrow (boo!) along with medrol, and doxy.
Thank you to everyone that has come on this blog these past couple of weeks. And thank all of you for WRITING such wonderful blogs. Thank you for letting me into your lives and cycles, so I can keep my mind off of my own. Thank you for sharing your book ideas, your diet success stories, your feelings about infertility, your highs and your lows this month. And thank you for holding my hand and giving me such kind and helpful comments here. Your kindness and patience with me has been appreciated most of all.
I know it isn't easy for most of you to come here and read posts on a 'parenting after infertility' blog. I know that this blog could be a mine field at any time, especially when you are chock up to the gills with hormones. Sometimes I am embarrassed by all that I have. I can't give everyone the luck I've had with insurance, or my luck with my past cycles, but I wish I could. I really, really do. And I promise not to talk about my kids too much. Some other time, most likely, but not now.
I started trying to conceive in the year 2000. That was a loooong time ago. I have learned a lot about infertility and its treatment over the years, but I still have stuff to learn, and I'm learning it from YOU guys, all of you. :) Thank you.
(but I won't start naming names, because then I would leave somebody out, and that would suck donkey balls.)
Friday, July 29, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Plan B
Cd12 and things are moving right along. I'm not sure what my E2 level is yet, but my lining is a lush and cushy 13mm. I really want to just get this show on the road, already!!!
Usually at this time in the cycle I start thinking about what my next course of action will be if I don't get pregnant. It helps with the sting of a BFN for me when I have a plan. But with this cycle I don't have a plan, and that is starting to worry me a bit.
I do have a little bit of a plan. After these two embryos I will still have two, if I don't have to thaw all four to get one or two to transfer. Since my newly minted insurance pays for 3 cycles, I will still have the money to do another FET. IF I have the inclination, that is, and right now I'm not sure if I do. I'm tired of this, to be honest, sick of the shots, the monitoring, the blood draws, and the waiting. But I know I will have to. However this cycle pans out, I'll still have to do something with those embryos, and not wanting to dispose of them is how I got here in the first place. Maybe it's better if this cycle DOESN'T work.
But what happens when BOTH cycles don't work, and I'm left with this empty feeling in my gut? And one cycle still sitting there taunting me? The image I have of my life in the future has opened up to include juggling my life with a new baby and I don't want to shut that door. Life without that possibility suddenly seems dimmer and sadder to me...just a little. I'll have to start thinking harder about Plan B. Hopefully I can come up with something more tantalizing than toilet training.
Usually at this time in the cycle I start thinking about what my next course of action will be if I don't get pregnant. It helps with the sting of a BFN for me when I have a plan. But with this cycle I don't have a plan, and that is starting to worry me a bit.
I do have a little bit of a plan. After these two embryos I will still have two, if I don't have to thaw all four to get one or two to transfer. Since my newly minted insurance pays for 3 cycles, I will still have the money to do another FET. IF I have the inclination, that is, and right now I'm not sure if I do. I'm tired of this, to be honest, sick of the shots, the monitoring, the blood draws, and the waiting. But I know I will have to. However this cycle pans out, I'll still have to do something with those embryos, and not wanting to dispose of them is how I got here in the first place. Maybe it's better if this cycle DOESN'T work.
But what happens when BOTH cycles don't work, and I'm left with this empty feeling in my gut? And one cycle still sitting there taunting me? The image I have of my life in the future has opened up to include juggling my life with a new baby and I don't want to shut that door. Life without that possibility suddenly seems dimmer and sadder to me...just a little. I'll have to start thinking harder about Plan B. Hopefully I can come up with something more tantalizing than toilet training.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Just another day
Cycle day 10 and all is well. The nurse called and my estrogen finally seems to be where they want it, after increasing the patches and taking little estrace pills twice a day. Whew. I go on Wednesday to have blood work and an ultrasound to check my lining. Hopefully my uterus is perking up and getting ready for company or I'm going to have to give it a strong talking to.
I've been allowing myself to think happy baby thoughts. I've thought about what color I would paint the baby's room. I've walked into the laundry room to put clothes in the dryer and have thought "I wonder if NOW that I have a decent washer and dryer that isn't in a creepy basement, if doing cloth diapers would be a doable option?" And I have played with baby doll X, something I normally avoid doing unless AK, or maybe NB, begs me to help dress it.
I have to explain about Baby doll X. BDX is a baby doll (obviously) of lifelike size and proportions that I bought while pregnant with the twins. It is 21" long, bald, with a cute newborn squinched up face, with spiky blond eyelashes around it's dark baby blue eyes. It is jointed with a weighted down bean-bag body that flops about in a creepily realistic fashion. It was purchased for only 16 bucks at a big lot discount store. It's intended purpose was to help my husband and I get used to the feeling of handling a newborn, and to use it as a stand in dummy as we adjusted straps and fiddled with car seats. BDX worked great in this regard. But, after we had two of the real thing, the doll got parked in the closet, and then I lent it to my mom for use in her pre school classroom.
Along with BDX went bags of newborn sized clothing, and I didn't give it a second thought. Until we were expecting baby AK. It was summer, school was out, and my mom had the bright idea of bringing over baby dolls to help the boys get acclimated to the idea of having a sibling. NB promptly grabbed BDX and dashed it to the floor saying "Baby NO!", while DA dragged BDX 's cousin around by the arm and down the stairs. I rescued X, and I was surprised by how naturally it curled up on my shoulder, how realistically it's head turned in the direction of my breast while I cradled it in my arms. The memories came flooding back, and I found myself absentmindedly patting it's padded bottom as I gently bounced and swayed. Ahhhh.... Now I remember.
Flash forward about 3 years. My good friend has given AK a beautiful doll cradle for Christmas, but she has no dolls. My mom is now retired, but she brought home all her stuff, including Baby doll X, so once again the doll comes back. It is a little bit worse for wear this time around. It is over 5 years old by now, after all, and has been through the wars.
The baby doll has been dressed in hand me down overalls, the cutest things that the boys used to wear all the time, with a hat that DB wore home from the hospital. I pick it up and it snuggles up against my shoulder in that familiar way. But this time it is different. It is just a toy. It has no useful purpose here except to fill AK's cradle. Holding it fills me with sadness and a sense of loss. I'm not pregnant this time around, and I most likely never will be again. AK and NB enjoy rocking X in the cradle until it falls out, making me cringe. They strip it naked and leave it dangling in positions that make me want to snatch it away from harm. It stirs a desire inside, it grows into a wish, and I try to shut the feelings up in a box. I start to avoid the doll until it is just another part of the toy filled background. But it doesn't work. The box has been blown wide open.
Yesterday, I went into the parlor and sat down on the floor by the doll cradle. BDX was once again abandoned on the floor, it's clothes askew, diaper off, with it's arms all akimbo. And I found myself straitening it. I snapped on the cloth diaper and dressed it, swaddled and held it close. Aaaahhh..... And for the first time AK sits down next to me and gently pats the dolls head and sings it a little song. And I can't stop myself from thinking "Maybe next year, this scene will be for real."
At the very least, maybe it will help boost my estrogen levels a little bit. :)
I've been allowing myself to think happy baby thoughts. I've thought about what color I would paint the baby's room. I've walked into the laundry room to put clothes in the dryer and have thought "I wonder if NOW that I have a decent washer and dryer that isn't in a creepy basement, if doing cloth diapers would be a doable option?" And I have played with baby doll X, something I normally avoid doing unless AK, or maybe NB, begs me to help dress it.
I have to explain about Baby doll X. BDX is a baby doll (obviously) of lifelike size and proportions that I bought while pregnant with the twins. It is 21" long, bald, with a cute newborn squinched up face, with spiky blond eyelashes around it's dark baby blue eyes. It is jointed with a weighted down bean-bag body that flops about in a creepily realistic fashion. It was purchased for only 16 bucks at a big lot discount store. It's intended purpose was to help my husband and I get used to the feeling of handling a newborn, and to use it as a stand in dummy as we adjusted straps and fiddled with car seats. BDX worked great in this regard. But, after we had two of the real thing, the doll got parked in the closet, and then I lent it to my mom for use in her pre school classroom.
Along with BDX went bags of newborn sized clothing, and I didn't give it a second thought. Until we were expecting baby AK. It was summer, school was out, and my mom had the bright idea of bringing over baby dolls to help the boys get acclimated to the idea of having a sibling. NB promptly grabbed BDX and dashed it to the floor saying "Baby NO!", while DA dragged BDX 's cousin around by the arm and down the stairs. I rescued X, and I was surprised by how naturally it curled up on my shoulder, how realistically it's head turned in the direction of my breast while I cradled it in my arms. The memories came flooding back, and I found myself absentmindedly patting it's padded bottom as I gently bounced and swayed. Ahhhh.... Now I remember.
Flash forward about 3 years. My good friend has given AK a beautiful doll cradle for Christmas, but she has no dolls. My mom is now retired, but she brought home all her stuff, including Baby doll X, so once again the doll comes back. It is a little bit worse for wear this time around. It is over 5 years old by now, after all, and has been through the wars.
The baby doll has been dressed in hand me down overalls, the cutest things that the boys used to wear all the time, with a hat that DB wore home from the hospital. I pick it up and it snuggles up against my shoulder in that familiar way. But this time it is different. It is just a toy. It has no useful purpose here except to fill AK's cradle. Holding it fills me with sadness and a sense of loss. I'm not pregnant this time around, and I most likely never will be again. AK and NB enjoy rocking X in the cradle until it falls out, making me cringe. They strip it naked and leave it dangling in positions that make me want to snatch it away from harm. It stirs a desire inside, it grows into a wish, and I try to shut the feelings up in a box. I start to avoid the doll until it is just another part of the toy filled background. But it doesn't work. The box has been blown wide open.
Yesterday, I went into the parlor and sat down on the floor by the doll cradle. BDX was once again abandoned on the floor, it's clothes askew, diaper off, with it's arms all akimbo. And I found myself straitening it. I snapped on the cloth diaper and dressed it, swaddled and held it close. Aaaahhh..... And for the first time AK sits down next to me and gently pats the dolls head and sings it a little song. And I can't stop myself from thinking "Maybe next year, this scene will be for real."
At the very least, maybe it will help boost my estrogen levels a little bit. :)
Thursday, July 21, 2011
What's In a Name? Part Dos, historical edition
Here are some names that are in my family tree. Go ahead and take 'em, they're all due to be big hits on the baby name parade again. I dare you ;)
For the gents:
Makepeace
Ebenezer
Almanzo
Ezekiel
Hilliard (this one was my Grandfather's. It goes waaay back)
Eckford
For the ladies:
Freelove (no, I'm not kidding, this was a biggie before the Revolution)
Mehitabel
Jezebel
Lydia
Charity, Patience, Prudence, Temperance, Faith, Hope, Chastity and Honor
and #1 on the colonial hit list for the fairer sex: Elisabeth
aka Beth, Betty, Bitsy, Betsy, Eliza, Liza, and Lisa
The most popular name for men around here, prior to the 19th century, appears to be William or James. The most popular for women, besides Lydia and Elisabeth (already mentioned) might be Hannah, Anna or Anne, or Katherine.
Names that are noticeably absent would be Mary, John, Matthew, Mark, or Luke. There were some, but these are Puritan names we're talking about, and they wouldn't want to appear 'papish' (Catholic). When Puritans went to the Bible they went waaaay back and obscure.
So, what do you think? It's time to give the good old Puritanical names a chance, don't you think? The 19th century has had it's day, with all it's Emmas, Lucies, and whatnot. Time to bring about the old school list. ;)
For the gents:
Makepeace
Ebenezer
Almanzo
Ezekiel
Hilliard (this one was my Grandfather's. It goes waaay back)
Eckford
For the ladies:
Freelove (no, I'm not kidding, this was a biggie before the Revolution)
Mehitabel
Jezebel
Lydia
Charity, Patience, Prudence, Temperance, Faith, Hope, Chastity and Honor
and #1 on the colonial hit list for the fairer sex: Elisabeth
aka Beth, Betty, Bitsy, Betsy, Eliza, Liza, and Lisa
The most popular name for men around here, prior to the 19th century, appears to be William or James. The most popular for women, besides Lydia and Elisabeth (already mentioned) might be Hannah, Anna or Anne, or Katherine.
Names that are noticeably absent would be Mary, John, Matthew, Mark, or Luke. There were some, but these are Puritan names we're talking about, and they wouldn't want to appear 'papish' (Catholic). When Puritans went to the Bible they went waaaay back and obscure.
So, what do you think? It's time to give the good old Puritanical names a chance, don't you think? The 19th century has had it's day, with all it's Emmas, Lucies, and whatnot. Time to bring about the old school list. ;)
No More Debbie Downer for me!
Begone, bad thoughts! Begone I say! I started out at the beginning of this FET cycle thankful to have the chance to grab for that brass ring just one...more...time, and Damn It (Janet!) I'm going to stay that way! Hopeful and Thankful. (and nonononono those are NOT going to be the names of my next set of twins. Bite your tongue!).
I have been upset more for other bloggers than myself. Women who need this cycle to work a heck of a lot more than I do. Unfortunately, luck doesn't work that way. There isn't some cosmic number of BFP's out there being parsimoniously handed out like trophies at a state fair. Sure, all of us won't win, but we all COULD.
But....and this is a BIG but (yeah, yeah I said Big But). I already have children. Three children, to be exact: soft, squishy, squirmy, often smelly, loud, messy, and occasionally bratty children. This FET is a total bonus. At the very beginning I intended to make it like a romp, and infertile holiday if you will. I was going to throw 'cautiously optimistic' to the winds and do as the fertiles do. I was going to pick nursery colors before I had my legs up in the stirrups. I was going to start picking out baby names and drop coy hints on Fartbook that we were going to 'start trying' . What the heck? But I haven't been able to quite pull it off, as my last post would attest. Somewhere along the line it stopped being just about me, but about all the brave women I'm cycling with (sorry, that makes it sound like we are all racing in the Tour de Crotch, it is VERY hot here). Somewhere along the line it stopped being just a lark, and an honest to g.od cycle with honest to g.od consequences. Somewhere along the line it stopped being just IVF #7, but the chance at baby #4. A baby....a soft, squishy, often smelly baby, a mix of my husband and me. Now all I want to do is curl up in a ball and mumble over and over "please, please,PLEASE let it work. oh please please please."
Hopeful and Thankful :)
I have been upset more for other bloggers than myself. Women who need this cycle to work a heck of a lot more than I do. Unfortunately, luck doesn't work that way. There isn't some cosmic number of BFP's out there being parsimoniously handed out like trophies at a state fair. Sure, all of us won't win, but we all COULD.
But....and this is a BIG but (yeah, yeah I said Big But). I already have children. Three children, to be exact: soft, squishy, squirmy, often smelly, loud, messy, and occasionally bratty children. This FET is a total bonus. At the very beginning I intended to make it like a romp, and infertile holiday if you will. I was going to throw 'cautiously optimistic' to the winds and do as the fertiles do. I was going to pick nursery colors before I had my legs up in the stirrups. I was going to start picking out baby names and drop coy hints on Fartbook that we were going to 'start trying' . What the heck? But I haven't been able to quite pull it off, as my last post would attest. Somewhere along the line it stopped being just about me, but about all the brave women I'm cycling with (sorry, that makes it sound like we are all racing in the Tour de Crotch, it is VERY hot here). Somewhere along the line it stopped being just a lark, and an honest to g.od cycle with honest to g.od consequences. Somewhere along the line it stopped being just IVF #7, but the chance at baby #4. A baby....a soft, squishy, often smelly baby, a mix of my husband and me. Now all I want to do is curl up in a ball and mumble over and over "please, please,PLEASE let it work. oh please please please."
Hopeful and Thankful :)
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Melancholia
No, I'm not even sure if that is a word. Except for maybe a 19th century disease affecting women and poets.
I have come to that dreaded time of the cycle, where everything feels wrong and the doubt is pouring in like icy seawater into the holds of the Titanic. The alarm bells are ringing. So far one of our brave cyclesistas has already been dragged down by a BFN. My estrogen came back way too low today, so the amount of patches has been upped already. My body isn't responding quickly as it always has...all of this has left me floundering in a dark sea of melancholy that I can't shake.
What am I doing this for? Haven't I been hurt enough already? I don't expect this to work...but if I get pregnant and it's a chemical pregnancy...or worse, I miscarry, I will be devastated. I don't need this FET to work, but I want it to so very, very much. And more to the point, I want it to work for all the women whose blogs I have been reading...and I know it can't work for everyone. This makes me feel terribly bitter and sad in a way I can't put into words.
Mind your speed and have your life rafts ready.....Icebergs ahead.
I have come to that dreaded time of the cycle, where everything feels wrong and the doubt is pouring in like icy seawater into the holds of the Titanic. The alarm bells are ringing. So far one of our brave cyclesistas has already been dragged down by a BFN. My estrogen came back way too low today, so the amount of patches has been upped already. My body isn't responding quickly as it always has...all of this has left me floundering in a dark sea of melancholy that I can't shake.
What am I doing this for? Haven't I been hurt enough already? I don't expect this to work...but if I get pregnant and it's a chemical pregnancy...or worse, I miscarry, I will be devastated. I don't need this FET to work, but I want it to so very, very much. And more to the point, I want it to work for all the women whose blogs I have been reading...and I know it can't work for everyone. This makes me feel terribly bitter and sad in a way I can't put into words.
Mind your speed and have your life rafts ready.....Icebergs ahead.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Never Tell Me the Odds
When I went for my baseline ultrasound and blood work last week, I was struck by a recent change to my RE clinic. Outside of the discreet office door on the third floor was a giant display, and I mean HUGE display, of the clinics statistics. They were good, very good, which is why they are so proud to post them. Why not flaunt it if you got it, right?
The ongoing pregnancy rate, in the age range of 30-35 was 57% . That is the percentage of women under 35 who walked in the door this year, unable to get pregnant, who walked out carrying a viable pregnancy. That's more than half, heck, it's almost a third. The next age range I can't remember, and the over 40, was 24%. Nearly a quarter of the women over forty walked out with a viable pregnancy this year.
This is where I get confused. According to my RE, I'm not a 40 year old trying to get pregnant, but a 37 year old,(the age of my eggs when these embryos were created) which is why he is only transferring two embryos. Soooo....does that make me more in the 35-40 age range category (which numbers I didn't take in, naturally). Hmmm.... Well, I know which age range they'll be putting me if I should get knocked up.
My own odds are something else entirely. Since I have had my fibroid removed, I have gotten pregnant every. single. cycle. Granted, out of those 4 pregnancies only two made it out the door as viable pregnancies. But still, 4 cycles, 2 viable pregnancies...pretty good odds, right? I'm beginning to see why everyone in the clinic smiles when I walk in the door.
Then why am I feeling that this cycle isn't going to end well? *sigh*
The ongoing pregnancy rate, in the age range of 30-35 was 57% . That is the percentage of women under 35 who walked in the door this year, unable to get pregnant, who walked out carrying a viable pregnancy. That's more than half, heck, it's almost a third. The next age range I can't remember, and the over 40, was 24%. Nearly a quarter of the women over forty walked out with a viable pregnancy this year.
This is where I get confused. According to my RE, I'm not a 40 year old trying to get pregnant, but a 37 year old,(the age of my eggs when these embryos were created) which is why he is only transferring two embryos. Soooo....does that make me more in the 35-40 age range category (which numbers I didn't take in, naturally). Hmmm.... Well, I know which age range they'll be putting me if I should get knocked up.
My own odds are something else entirely. Since I have had my fibroid removed, I have gotten pregnant every. single. cycle. Granted, out of those 4 pregnancies only two made it out the door as viable pregnancies. But still, 4 cycles, 2 viable pregnancies...pretty good odds, right? I'm beginning to see why everyone in the clinic smiles when I walk in the door.
Then why am I feeling that this cycle isn't going to end well? *sigh*
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